minority nursing student

A Couple is a Family, too.

2010-09-23T06:26:00.000-07:00

My father called and asked "I don't have any grandchildren on the way yet, do I?" with his beautiful laughter. This is the #1 most frequently asked question by me and my husband's families. The words vary ever so slightly (when are ya'll havin kids? why don't ya'll have some kids? what are ya'll waiting for? how long ya'll been married again? when am I going to be an uncle/an aunt/a grandma, great grandma?) I can almost handle those now, but this one I hate: "When are ya'll gonna start a family?"

Arrrrggh. We are a family. Right now, as we are. We don't need to have children to be a family. I have had a brief, but intellectual conversation about this before (afterall, it doesn't take long if you get right down to it) and yes, we realize that we are a "couple," but we also realize that we are a two-person f-a-m-i-l-y. Would we say that a woman and her child are not a family because there are only two of them, and there is no father? No. We (and the imaginary woman and child) eat dinner together, play together, and celebrate holdiays together just like everyone else. I think people forget this when they ask us for stuff. People ask us to do things that they wouldn't dare ask a family with children to do. Like, go to the grocery store for them on Christmas morning. "I couldn't call Eli because her kids are opening their presents" or "I didn't want to bother Viv because she might be getting the kids ready for bed." It never occurs to them that me and my husband might be opening the presents that we got eachother, or that we were in the middle of giving eachother massages. Yes, I realize that we can just turn off the phone, but that's not the point. The point is, we deserve the same respect and consideration as those with children. We are more than willing to lend a hand, and we voluntarily do more than our fair share because we wholeheartedly understand the challenges of raising children and the gift of a little more time that we have been granted because we don't have children. However, please be mindful that one of the very few things that we are allowed in the world of infertility is our time spent alone together, and we don't take kindly to it being abused or taken for granted. We cherish our "family time" just like you.

WOW. That felt good.

A Tribute

2010-09-23T06:25:00.002-07:00

Yesterday was my husband's birthday. We had a blast. The best part was the steak, lobster, and shrimp!

We're clicking and vibing more than usual lately (as in the last 6 months). Probably because he's being a lot more responsible than usual, and probably because I've been reading so many articles lately about the state of black men in this country right now that I feel especially blessed to have at least a sane black man. I don't know how he does it. He's more engaged in his life right now than ever, despite the fact that it seems life just keeps getting tougher. I am amazed by his growth and proud to still be married to him despite how many times I've said I'd rather not be. He's smarter than most people realize, more beautiful than any other man I know, and makes me laugh more than anyone else has ever been able to.

God I love this man.

My Birthday Weekend!

2010-09-23T06:25:00.001-07:00

I saw my frist Broadway play this past weekend! Saturday was my birthday and we (my husband and me) celebrated in Harlem while visiting a friend. The Color Purple was wonderful. In fact, the whole weekend was beautiful. The whole time I was in the moment of it and I felt like I had arrived at a place in my life that I was waiting to get to. That's weird, but basically for once I was doing something exactly as I had hoped/imagined I would be doing it, with who I imagnied I'd be doing it with in my adult life...instead of waiting to be old enough/rich enough/free enough to do it...the time had finally come, and it felt like it was only the beginning of what my life is finally going to be like...it was so exciting!

This will be a good year for me, I feel it now.

What a Weekend!

2010-09-23T06:25:00.000-07:00

I dropped my cousin off to the airport today after a wonderful weekend. I didn't want to see her go. I wish my generation - especially the ones I'm close to - would all live in the same city or at least very, very close to one another...I think our lives would be different, better. When I think about all the Sunday dinners, trips, birthday parties and a million other things that take place in families like mine it makes me wonder how we (my generation) will ever continue those things if we all continue to spread out from eachother. I think if we had of started out somewhere other than Omaha, NE we might have had a chance, but since no one under 40 wants to live in Nebraska we've ended up all over the place. It'd be nice if we could come to a mutual understanding on a general area to live...I miss my people.

Anyway we had a great weekend while it lasted! I had plenty of stuff planned and some downtime, too. We went to the city Saturday and spent the night there with our other cousin and his girlfriend. We ate at P.Diddy's place (Justin's) and at Sylvia's in Harlem. We had good drinks every where we went (we were so sick over the weekend from all of the liquer mixing; we're getting too old for this) We partied at a club called Eugene's and it was great, but scary because they did not obey the maximum capacity rules and eventually we had to leave from fear of being trampled or a fire breaking out...especially since it was clear that some serious weed smoking was going on. And I was made because it cost $30 for girls and $40 for boys to get in and I had to be searched and patted to get in. But the party was worth the pain...even if not worth the money.

For some reason I've been getting hit on a lot lately, and NYC was no different, except the men were so much more aggressive it seemed...there was a lot of "stuck up" "conceited" "bourgeoisie" name calling going on. And I kept thinking, "if you weren't trying to practically have sex with me on the dance floor, I would dance with you more!" I mean, whatever happened to the respectful bump and grind? I turned down a drink from a guy who was too much to handle and he got an attitude...I thought I was being nice...I mean, spend your money on a girl you actually have a chance to take home, or who is at least single...I know these drinks are expensive! (And I can afford my own...but if he had of been a little less aggressive, I would have gotten something)

We also went to a club that was having an African dance party and I got to practice a little French which was fun. My cousin lost her mind in that club! LOL I ain't mad at her though, get it, get it! LOL

It's a Miracle!

2010-09-23T06:24:00.002-07:00

We have cable. And a home phone. And .... THE INTERNET! Aren't we progressive? LOL It really is a little shocking that we went this long without it all because we really do like TV, and not having a computer with internet last semester was really a setback. (Did I mention we bought a computer last week?) I mean really, I was missing out on a lot of last minute information before exams because people like to send out emails at 2 am while we're studying...and whenever I needed to use the computer to study I had to go to school for the entire 4 or 5 hour study session. Whether or not I will be able to concentrate enough to actually study home will be another issue...

But I am glad that now I can record all my favorite TV shows while I'm studying, and watch them all on the weekend without any guilt! Oh, and I get to watch Oprah again! I've missed an entire season already! I could have done without the phone, but the package deal was cheaper than the cable and internet alone...I really don't understand that, but whatever.

It's a happy day in this house! Can't wait until the man gets home...he might even drop a tear for the cable - he's been waiting sooo long! LOL

PS: Mama, Oaxaca is in Mexico! (Not *that* far) Go here to learn about it!

I Love Me Some Him

2010-09-23T06:24:00.001-07:00

Today is the man's birthday.

For an entire year he has taken care of me as I navigated nursing school. For an entire year he has worked to turn other people's ideas about him on their head. And for an entire year I have been amazed by his strength, his growth, and his ability to provide for me.

I am so thankful.

How I Know There is a God

2010-09-23T06:24:00.000-07:00

Last semester I was selected (randomly) to participate in a writing workshop series (I posted about it here) headed by a prominent surgeon and writer at the university. But on the day the class was supposed to start I got the dreaded "maybe you're not cut out for nursing school" letter (this post and this one). So, of course, I couldn't attend because I was somewhere losing my mind over the situation.

Well, I had the unpleasant opportunity to meet this man a couple months later under the following circumstances:

We had a creative writing awards ceremony for which he was a special guest. The school rented this snazzy upscale old-money establishment to host the function. I arrived dressed well, as I always do, and volunteered to greet people at the door of the cocktail area with another student. Up comes this man who starts to talk to me.

Him: "You guys did a really good job with the place. Can I have something to drink?"

Me: "Sure sir, it's right in there." (pointing to the cocktail room, where he was headed anyway)

(At this point I'm thinking, he thinks I work here.)

Him: "Oh." -He stumbled a little, and I steadied him by the elbow.- "Thanks, gosh I need you to just lead me around all night" -chuckle- "What time will you be serving the food?" (or something like that)

Me: "Hmm. I believe they are serving it already, right in there."

Him: "Oh, you don't work here?" (Mmm hmm, I knew it.)

Me: "No. Actually I'm a student."

Him: "A student where?"

Me: "Here." (This is all I said because I'm thinking, this is a school function, what school do you think I go to?)

Him: "Where?" (I know, it's oh-so-friggin unbelievable)

Me: "Here. At the university."

Him: "Oh. Oh. Ok, I see. Well you have to excuse me, I'm an old man."

Yeah. OK. So after he excuses himself, a girl who had witnessed the exchange comes up and asks if I know who he is. She tells me he is the man who taught the workshop series and is a very important man, with old, famous books and such. I say "I don't give a damn" and she laughs. My frustration lasted only a few moments (free wine at the event helped me a little, LOL) and I truly gave this man the benefit of the doubt - old age + privlege can sometimes = true ignorance, and not necessarily racism.

But then something else happened:

We were assigned a reading for this special workshop we're having this Friday with the medical students. We were given two books of short stories with an assigned reading from each. The stories are supposed to be about power - how to appropriately use the power we are given as primary care providers. Today in class I was bored and needed something to read. I hadn't looked at the books yet and didn't know who wrote them, I just pulled out the first one and started reading the story assigned. The context of the story is that a black man comes into the ER escorted by police with a big gash across his forehead and non-cooperative. The surgeon is tired and in no mood for the situation. The police man are not doing a good job of keeping the man calm. Here are some excerpts:

"...A huge black man is escorted by four policeman into the emergency room. He is handcuffed. At the door, the man rears...Again and again he throws his head and shoulders forward, then back, rearing, roaring. The police man ride him like parasites. Had he horns, he would gore them...The man is hugely drunk - toxic, fuming, murderous, - a great mystic beast...his very wildness which suggests less a human than a great and beautiful animal...He roars something, not quite language..."

and on and on and on, until we learn that the doctor stitches the man's ears down to the table so that he will be still (or he will rip his own ears off.)

I cried when I read this passage. I thought, how is it that they can get away with assigning this reading. I know the excuse is going to be that we assigned something that would definitely spark discussion for Friday, and this piece is about power. But AT WHAT COST? There is ONE black male student in our entire school. How dare you?

My Last Official Post

2007-08-23T05:20:00.000-07:00

Well, the moment has arrived...

I have tagged entires to organize them.

The post before this one was to help people find this blog if they do a google search.

I'm moving on over to my new blog:
minority midwifery student

I'll check here periodically in case people ask questions, but otherwise, join me over there!

minority nursing students

2007-08-23T05:17:00.000-07:00

minority nursing student
minority nursing students
black nursing student
black nursing students
brown nursing student
brown nursing students
minorities in nursing school
blacks in nursing school

Laziness

2007-08-06T18:00:00.000-07:00

School's out. I've been a hermit for days. I mean seriously, as in haven't left the house. It's felt so good, too. I have managed to cook everyday, but that's about it. I really should scrub the house before we go on vacation Thursday so I don't have to do it before school starts. That "we" is still questionable since he hasn't gotten all of his days off yet.

I've been thinking about how I am supposed to be moving over to the other blog since I am done with the nursing portion of my midwifery program. That blog is titled minority midwifery student. I named these blogs this way so that they are easy to find on a Google search. It's hard to let go of this thing...I've had it since 2005. But I have to because I need a fresh start. Before I do, I am going to be adding labels so that new folks can easily find what they need, and new blogs as references even though I personally might not have frequented them so that this place ends up being as comprehensive as possible for future nursing students.

Horoscope

2007-07-22T13:53:00.000-07:00

I love Tarot.com's horoscopes. Here's mine for today:

No matter which way you are swimming, the current seems always to be going the other way. It feels like everyone is working against you. Whatever you do, step around that all too familiar Piscean victim consciousness. You really don't have time or energy to waste on such selfish behavior. Everything is about to change and you need to be ready to take advantage of it.

Somebody, PLEASE, Take Me Away From HERE

2007-07-19T16:49:00.000-07:00

I hate group work.

Have I said that before? Oh, a million times you say? One more time...I HATE GROUP WORK. I've taken the "not going to argue with you" stance and it's so much less stressful, except that I lose a little control over my grade. I just keep reminding myself that this is Pass/Fail, and then I ask myself, "Am I going to fail the rotation if I don't improve this power point?" No, of course not. How do I know? Because a 90 friggin percent on that crappy, no, not crappy, HORRENDOUS, paper I turned in. So, now what?

Breathe.

Then move the hell on.

Dragging

2007-07-18T04:32:00.000-07:00

This last rotation is dragging. I don't even want to talk about it because I just want it to be over. Stuck in the middle of group work (ugh) and bored out of my mind. Blog's been dead because my mind has turned to mush, and I'm stuck in that moment where everyday you go through the same motions without much thought. When I have a list of things to do, I check them off one by one robotically.

Update the blog. Check.

First Year Grades

2007-07-07T07:03:00.000-07:00

The academic year is over and most grades are posted:

4 Passes (Biomed, Pharmacology, Medical Surgical Nursing, Maternal Newborn)

6 High Passes (Pathophysiology, Nutrition, Pediatrics, Psych-Mental Health, Anatomy & Community Health - which is actually not posted yet, but I just got a 95 on the final, so I will earn a HP in the course)

& 1 Honors (Issues in Nursing)

I am surprised by these stats. In the moment of it all, it seemed to me I was only passing everything, so I didn't realize that I had gathered so many HPs along the way. It is not shocking to me that my only Honor's grade would be in Issues of Nursing. It was the only class that focused purely on writings about nursing and class discussions. There were no facts to memorize, and the majority of our grade (70%) was based on a final paper we had to write.

As I look at these grades, I am amazed and I am proud. I always feel like I am catching up to everyone else, especially those who spent all their lives in day schools, boarding schools, ivies, and the like, and those who majored in biological sciences and other health care related fields.

I am debating whether I will work one or two days at the library next year, or none at all. We had our pre-first year meeting at the end of the semester and were told we have 8 classes for fall semester. I am trying to imagine this. 8 classes, including: Research, Statistics, Advanced Pharm, Antepartum, Gynecology, Advanced Pathophys, Avanced Physical Assessment, & Professional Issues and Leadership. When I looked at the class line up from last year I noticed that last year the midwifery specialty's heaviest semester was the spring semester. They have pulled two classes from the spring and moved them up to the fall, so that the fall semester will be heaviest (credit-wise). That's a lot of classes. I really hope they are looking at the structure again over this summer and maybe will make some changes (ie: move a class back) because 8 grad level courses is really A LOT to have at one time. They are also adding a course onto the program that would allow us to graduate with both the CNM and the WHNP. More about why a CNM would want to do that later.

So, anyway, thinking about my course load next year, and my grades this year, it occurs to me that I can do this, which, no matter how many times I tell myself this, or how many times I do it, is always news to me.

First Day of Community Health Clinical

2007-07-05T16:56:00.000-07:00

We, the students, arrived at 8am. What time did our preceptor arrive?

9:20, all surprised that we were there. I was so frustrated. And then she tried to be sly and ask us what our understanding of what we were supposed to do on a daily basis was. Huh? We don't know, why don't you tell us! She was so unprepared. And then she said she would only see us for the first few days and then would be taking a vacation for the next couple weeks. I asked "So, you won't be here when we finish this rotation either?" Her reply? "No." She didn't even know the basics of our schedule.

How can this be?

Another nurse, an RN, who made a much better impression than she did, is going to help us. You know what I think? I think the RN should get the title of *Ivy* Instructor and the pay, too. This is an example of my school taking advantage of a nurse. They are paying our preceptor because she has the advanced degree - even though she is not going to be there at all...while the RN gets nothing for her time - not even the right to say she officially precepted students.

My classmates are all over the place, in the states, in South America, South Africa, and New Zealand to name a few. I am starting to wish I were, too.

2007-07-04T19:47:00.000-07:00

The street's blocked off.
Fireworks are being shot into the air - illegally, cause that's just how it is in Omaha.
My family is gathered and eating BBQ.
One of my best friends called me (it's her birthday today) and her life is good.
And my brother is having a blast, I'm sure.

I can not call. It would make me crazy.

Somebody kiss them for me.

Community Health Final Exam...

2007-06-27T07:01:00.000-07:00

is OVER.

Thank God.

This also means that

all of my academic exams for the year are OVER.

Thank God.

My lowest projected score for this exam is a 79%, which means I should pass the class. Of course I'll never know until the grades are actually posted, but my hopes are high.

High enough to PARTY as though I've already conquered my first year of accelerated nursing at ivy1. The Wii party is on and poppin' at 6pm. Imagine drunken, tired nursing students trying to concentrate as they play Big Brain Academy or Cooking Mama Cook-Off! Or try to maintain balance long enough to swing a bat, roll the bowling ball, or hit the tiny tennis ball! I forsee hilarity in my future - especially since we're all delirious and high on caffeine from our all nighters.

I am so. friggin. excited.

The End of the Road

2007-06-26T19:53:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is the Community Health final exam and I am so nervous. The information is just so broad and random. As it often does when you've been studying for a long time, it's all running together. Why would the professor make the midterm over four units and the final over eight? And why can't she ever answer a question directly? I went to every class, I hope that puts me over the edge this time. On top of it our papers were due today and I handed in a mess. I have some hope because I've been turning in the same stuff all year and it gets me excellent grades and so just like that my own writing standards have plummeted. And then there's the fact that my paper was missing large chunks because I refused to put in plagiarized parts from my group mates. But of course I didn't realize they were plagiarized until the paper was due, so my paper was a little incomplete and lacked good flow. And (yep there's more) I left off three sources in my works cited list because I simply ran out of time. My friend asked for an extension, but I just handed it over so I could get back to studying for the final. It really was a mess...but I also thought my annotated bibs were crappy and I got a 100% on both of them, so here's hoping to at least an 80%, but I won't be upset if I don't get it.

It's the end of the academic portion of the year and I feel it in every bone and muscle of my body. This exam is a true hurdle. I have no room for error. I've decided that tomorrow I am going to party like I passed even though I wont know for a while...so tomorrow me and the man are throwing a Wii cocktail party. Everyone has RSVP'd which tells me that everyone else feels it, too.

By this time tomorrow I hope I can no longer remember my own name.

What Can We Do?

2007-06-21T19:02:00.000-07:00

I notice I grind my teeth. Badly. In my sleep, when I'm tense, and especially when I'm irritated and trying to bite my tongue. I went to happy hour Tuesday night and we (myself and 4 other girls) got on the topic of educating young girls about their bodies and sex. I am all for education, seriously, I am. But then folks began to talk about how we need to teach girls that their body is a "temple" and it's "sacred" and virginity should be saved and on and on and on. I just can't get with this virtue script. I prefer terms like "informed choice" and "responsibility" and "self-empowerment." I guess all of these can co-exist, but the more we talked the less I believed it. It seemed like the old abstinence vs. protection debate, and although everyone claimed that what they were saying had nothing to do with their religious beliefs, I continue to think otherwise. What was most irritating to me was their intention to take this message to the masses of folks living in impoverished environments. All year, hearing folks talk about the communities they want to work in has made me tense. It seems like such a good idea...after all, we have race in common. But then it doesn't because it is overwhelmingly obvious that we don't share too much more than that simply because our upbringings were so vastly different. So what you have is boarding school educated brown people with ivy league degrees trying to run primary health care clinics in the middle of public housing settings. This could work. It does work. But at the same time, I think it's problematic because the differences in lifestyle is definitely noticeable. There is so much judgement that people don't even realize they are passing, and I feel it even as a college educated woman. So how must the people in these communities feel? Does this affect "compliance" to the plan of care created by the provider? In class people actually suggest things like Morning Star chicken nuggets to these families. And I'd love for someone to show a single mother with five kids how to eat organic fruits and vegetables everyday on the food budget she has. And kiss my butt organic, whole grain, and fruits and vegetables aren't more expensive than hot dogs, wonder bread, and ramen noodles. I keep saying, somebody has to tell the truth. But today I realized that they can't tell the truth I'm talking about because it isn't their truth to tell. They just don't get it. They can't get it because they haven't lived it. This was really a revelation for me because it allowed me to forgive them. You can't be mad because somebody who hasn't walked a mile in your shoes doesn't know what it's like to walk a mile in your shoes. It only makes sense that people make comments, suggestions and judgements based on their life experiences...what else can they make them with? This is why we don't simply need people of color in health care provider roles, we need people from the communities that lack these providers to actually obtain the education to be the providers in their own communities. I gave my school much credit for the diversity of our class, but I soon realized that while they picked more people who picked a colored box on the form, we are still very much lacking the economic diversity among brown folks. Most of the brown people I know at school come from an environment of privelege, even if only middle class privelege and I tell you, that makes class discussions so frustrating.

Pediatrics Final

2007-06-19T08:19:00.000-07:00

I just took the final exam and I'm glad it's over. There were 50 questions, 15 of which through me for a loop. Let's hope I get a quarter of those right and therefore pass the exam. I had a small buffer so everything should be fine. I still haven't gotten my annotated bib grade, but that should help, too. But let me tell you what didnt' help...text message from my cousin at 1230 this morning! Mo, I'm kill ya! LOL It took me almost an hour to get back to sleep!!!

One more final to go, next week - community health. I can't wait to get this crap over with. I have no buffer, in fact I have a deficit to make up for.

Stress.

When I Can't Sleep, I Surf

2007-06-18T07:01:00.000-07:00

Random stuff I read (or re-read) on the internet last night...

~Michale Moore's new film, Sicko, has been successfully pirated and put up in its entirety on YouTube. But of course they keep removing it as soon as it's put up...but why? especially when Michael Moore had this to say:

"I don't agree with the copyright laws and I don't have a problem with people downloading the movie and sharing it with people as long as they're not trying to make a profit off my labor. I would oppose that ... I do well enough already, and I made this film because I want the world to change. The more people who see it the better, so I'm happy this is happening." (Full Article)

~In class today we (again) talked about poverty in Africa, Kenya to be exact. The topic was global health care and community health. All that was going through my head was...are there not any other poor nations in this world? And when does my lecture on domestic poverty come? I won't hold my breath. Look at this chart comparing the living wage vs. the minimum wage in Omaha, NE and then check it out for your city, too.

~I want my class, in the absence of real discussions on the topic, to just read this page for their own knowledge. What a nice, neat little overview. And if you have more time, check out the resources from which the page was created, especially this one which we never talk about.

~I forwarded this nifty little resource about racial and ethnic health disparities among women to my friends and one of my teachers. I have a friend whose research interests concern Asian/Pacific Islander women's reproductive health and the lack of research documenting it. So when I looked at this chart, what I immediately noticed was that there were no statistics available for this population. According to her, this is not unusual.

~Lastly, I was completely entranced by this article in the Miami Herald news paper. Notice that it is part 2 of a series of articles, of which parts 1-3 are currently available. I will try to remember to post a reminder when the remaining articles become available.

All of the pictures for this post come from these articles. I just love this last one!

Errors in Preparing for an Exam

2007-06-14T08:31:00.000-07:00

I went to talk to my community health professor (you should always do this when you don't get a good grade on a test and you don't know exactly why) to analyze my test. Actually my friend and usual study partner went with me, so I'm going to tell you both of our errors when it came to this exam:

1. I read every article assigned and could have answered multiple questions on any of them. The problem was that she asked ONE friggin question about these (oh 10 or so) articles! It was such a waste of time in that these classes are only 6 weeks long, only 2 tests determine your grade, and all tests are only multiple choice. You really don't have time to study stuff that won't be tested. I should have spent more time on the lecture material. but how would I have known this? I asked her before the exam if we would be tested over the articles and she said yes. But as I was studying the lecture material I thought, this is so much information...the test is only 50 questions...the first thing the teacher would avoid on this exam are the articles because they don't produce multiple choice questions as easily. I thought all of that out, but then told myself that I was over-thinking my strategy! LOL I should've stuck with my gut!

2. Almost all the questions I missed came from one lecture. So, there was one lecture that I just didn't study enough...don't know how that happened really, I study them all the same length of time...now I gotta figure out what it was about that lecture. Maybe I was glossing over the definitions or something...

3. The other questions I missed were just tricky questions. Twice I had the right answer and changed it. Go with your gut, I guess.

4. My friend got mixed up on some definitions...like the difference between community-based nurses, public health nurses, and community health nurses...easy to do because they're so close and for some of the definitions it seems that only one thing separates them and if you don't know that one thing, you're screwed. Pay attention to the nuances between definitions that sound strikingly similar.

5. About objectives. Objectives are a mixed bag. Professors think they are really doing something when they give objectives, but sometimes their objectives pretty much tell you to know everything. Objectives that do not narrow down the study material are useless, I wish they would get that. Also, there were questions on the exam that were clearly NOT on the objectives, and when someone mentioned this to her she said "Oh, yeah I see that." WTF?! I guess my advice is to do the objectives, but only as a learning process - not as a method of narrowing down the info that you're going to study. (even though that's the point of objectives - to guide you to the important material)

I SO Hate School Right Now

2007-06-11T09:57:00.001-07:00

As I was writing my annotated bib last night, a thought occured to me: these articles do not address the health care issues of children...and therefore the topic is not appropriate for the assignment. Arrrgh %$#(@).

In the June 4th post I mentioned an article that lead me to my topic. However, when a kid starts kindergarten is not a relevant health care topic (in hindsight, I say DUH). Last night after I realized my mistake I tried to make it work. I tried to tie into cognitive developement and mental health care but, alas, I couldn't make it fit - there were no articles that fit what I was trying to do. So, at 10:30 last night, I was forced to START ALL OVER. You know, from the beginning. It was a sight to see as I threw my adult temper tantrum - which, to my credit, was mainly internal and I did not take it out on the man who was, of course, supportive. He kindly got out of my way as I silently packed up my stuff and headed to school to start the 5 hour journey that would eventually lead to an annotated bib on the intersection of foster care and health care.

Sleep. Please. For the love of God, sleep.

Community Health Midterm

2007-06-09T06:05:00.000-07:00

I spend a lot of my nursing school career at the bottom of the class. It's a frustrating place to be. For our community health midterm the scores ranged from 73-98. A 74 is passing. Guess who got the 73? Prime example of how going to class isn't what makes a grade - I go to this class every day, I hardly go to Peds and did 15% points better on that exam. I am not an auditory learner, in fact I think class is a waste of time when the teacher is reading from PowerPoint because I could read that whole lecture in 20 mins, and then start working on memorizing it and get a lot more bang for my 2 hours, especially since we don't have class discussions (which I like). My professor will be surprised by my grade because I am the person in class who actually reads all the articles. Twice before the grades were posted she said "I'm sure you did great!" I said, "the grade I get is never an indication of how hard I studied" and it's true. Yeah I know, it's not how hard you study, but rather how effectively you study. By the time I figure out how to study for each class, the class is over! But my grade on this test is the result of studying at the last minute (the last few days before the exam instead of the day the class started) and not knowing what to expect or study because I had never taken one of her exams before. Also, I didn't study for this exam with my study partner, and I think that made the difference.

It's moments like these when I think, there is no PhD in my future because I am just t-i-r-e-d of school. It's raining and all I want to do is wrap myself in a quilt and read something tinted black.

Student Group Woes

2007-06-08T05:46:00.000-07:00

Starting a group on campus is very much like being a parent. You have these ideas about wanting to have a baby (start a group) and you look for a partner (a co-founder) who shares the same ideals. You do all the work of deciding to get pregnant, and how and where to give birth. Those are just logistics, but they matter. (You need a place and time to meet) You have values you want to instill, you know, stand up for yourself,be aware of where you come from, be cognizant of why you act the way you do. Be careful of your surroundings and those who inhabit them because wolves, too, come in sheep's clothing. You want to teach them the power of their voice,and encourage them to use it. Leadership, integrity, critical thinking. But at some point, as all parents know, you have to let them go. You lose all control over their ideas, their dreams, and their actions. You have to step back. Let them fall. And you can only hope that once they do, because they will, they will have the strength to get back up, and that they haven't made the kinds of mistakes that will make their lives much harder over the long term. So, here I am, a parent of this brown folks group, watching her children trample all over all of efforts she has made to give them a safe space to vent, to encourage, to remember who they are and where they came from - watching them learn hard lessons (and learning a few of my own) about what real leadership is, and the consequences of not stepping up to take control of your own life (and your own group). I wanted to say, you have invited a stranger to come in and tell you about yourself...but who knows you better than you know yourself except those who have been where you are standing? Is it possible to even have this conversation after I neglected to first teach you about internalized racism? How can I be disappointed that you allowed her to convince you that "race has nothing to do with it," when I did not prepare you for the possibility of such an articulate assault? Still, I give you some of the responsibility. You had the power to say "I disagree," but you didn't, and that is what bothers me most, worries me most. I'm thinking, "were you even listening when I said you have be sure of the purpose and mission of your life(the group)?" But what can I do? What can one do when their peers win the vote, when those with the least to lose, out-vote those who needed this the most? And what can I do if those who need it most don't yet realize they need it? It's like wanting poor people to vote when they don't even understand what they're voting for. All you can do is try to convince them that they need to speak up because their voices are so important, but you know that they're afraid to because they don't feel articulate enough, and, that, too, is your fault because you spent too much time teaching, talking, instead of listening as they developed the skill of speaking.

Tyranny of Choice, etc.

2007-06-04T07:49:00.000-07:00

My community health professor used the following quote in class. I can not find the source to know more about its use in its original context, but I really like it.

"Personal behavior patterns are not simply 'free' choices about lifestyle, isolated from their personal and economic context. Lifestyles are, rather, patterns of choices made from people according to their socioeconomic circumstances and the ease with which they are able to choose certain ones [choices] over the others."
~Milio

I emailed my teacher to get the source.

I just found my topic for the annotated bib required for Pediatrics. This article was published in the New York Times yesterday, and I found it interesting. I found enough articles about kindergarten redshirting in some form or another, and so the work begins-half of which is learning APA format. Most of the few points I missed on my issue paper came from improper use of APA which I have never used before. (I used MLA undergrad) I guess I'll have to buy the style manual even though I don't want to spend the money on it.

What would have been nice is to be able to do an annotated bib on a topic related to my praxis/thesis but because I am in peds now I can't really do that because of my potential topics for thesis are clearly maternal newborn issues and my professor was anal about us not doing a bib that related to maternal newborn issues, my midwifery peers who are in maternal newborn right now are getting a huge jump start on their praxis projects. Why wouldn't you want all students to start working on things that really interest them and that help them with their praxis? It's just a little irritating.

On Neglecting My Blog

2007-06-03T08:27:00.000-07:00

Yeah I've been neglecting my blog. I've been reading other blogs in the meantime. I'm also on my 11th straight month of school and completely burnt out. I have a community health midterm tomorrow and I haven't looked at the material because I just can't find the motivation. But I am going to cram today. ALL DAY. At least there's a fire under my butt now, and I went to most of the lectures in this class because they're interesting.

Top 5 things that I do instead of studying:
5. Read blogs, watch YouTube, or otherwise surf the net
4. Read magazines: I'm catching up on my O magazines (love them!)
3. Pour a drink and watch a movie: The Martini is my new drink of choice because after years of rum and vodka, I have learned that Gin does the job after only one drink, so cheers! to self-awareness, LOL
2. Read unrelated academic articles (this really is fun to me)
1. Read Fiction (right now I'm reading "How the Garcia Girls Lost their Accents," "Autobiography of my Mother," and I'm STILL reading (re-reading) "Sister Outsider." which continues to blow my exhausted mind)

I think I finished Nutrtion class...it was such a waste of time, I'm glad it's over. If it's over, it was so anti-climatic, the last day was just like any other. I always leave early, so I don't know if that was supposed to be the last class or not. But I have done everything in the syllabus, so I assume that that's it. Issues in Nursing is just dragging on. I got an H on my paper, so that was good, I think we have some sort of online test or quiz to end the class in a week or two. So, the main thing right now is Pediatrics and Community Health. I really like my pediatric preceptor and that makes the rotation wonderful. It's one of the most laid back rotations I've ever had. But, I really miss labor, birth, and postpartum.

I'm also not writing as much because I'm disappointed with the direction of my blog. I have a lot to say, and not just this day-by-day snapshot of my life - which really isn't a snapshot because if I wrote about everything I'm really thinking about this blog would sound millitant, angry, and depressing, LOL. But at some point I'm going to have to talk about more than just classes and clinicals, at some point I am going to have to get down and dirty about all this institutional beaurucratic BS that I'm witnessing, the state of our minds as my mind sees it, and how I really feel about things like racism, love, and religion. In fact, I think that's why I'm slack on the posting right now-what I have to say is not fun or funny or light, and who wants to read stuff that makes you uncomfortable?

A better question to pose to myself is why, in this anonymous setting, do I care what people think about what I am writing? Why am I worried about making them uncomfortable? Isn't it true that they can just turn the blog channel? Am I any less the angry black woman if I don't write it? No, because that is and always will be someone else's interpretation of me. Actually, it is my own, too, but the other day I figured out that I am not offended by this interpretation because it is true on many levels. I am angry, and I have a right to be. I wish it weren't a label that people applied to any woman with skin like mine, but I have no control over that. I've had soooo many good, interesting, conversations with folks lately that my head is spinning. Isn't this the place where I am supposed to be purging my brain so that I can make sense of its contents? Somethin' else...my mama reads this blog! LOL Really, she does. But she knows I'm a loose cannon verbally, so why does it matter that she reads it?

Anyway, the point is, when I read my own blog lately, it seems so superficial, and I hate superficial. That's one of the reasons I don't like "networking" or "mingling," because the entrie time I wear the mask, and it's oh-so-fake. Last night I went to see Pirates of the Caribean (#6 on the list of things I do instead of studying!) and there was this scene where the only? black woman in the entire film goes apeshit angry and there was so much power there. Maybe anger as power is merely an illusion, but in that moment I got chills because there she was, this giant (literally) black woman with dreadlocks and a bayou accent who opened her mouth and almost brought the entire world to an end with her voice.

Am I afraid of the power of my own voice?

I do want to add that this scene can also be viewed from another perspective...a very "embracing all of the stereotypes" view which I do believe in also. There is soooo much material here for critical dissection! There is so much that can be said about this character in this film and the previous Pirates (much of which has already been said in other blogs) and I hope that this scene that I am describing is the result of a director or screen writer who is conscious and, therefore, felt the need to let the audience know that this character knew the injustices that she was surviving and this is why she was kreening. In other words, "I know what you're doing, you f'd with the wrong (black) woman, now I'm angry, and now you will feel my wrath," etc. Others believe that this was a weak attempt at showing her power - they are not convinced that she had any power at all, and that the writers dropped the ball with her role, and, worst, they did after making a mockery of brown people and brown women's sexuality. All of which I also agree with.

Pediatric Midterm

2007-05-29T14:42:00.000-07:00

We got our grades back the same day (today), that was nice of her. I am suprised that I did so well, considering I hadn't read the lectures. I had been told by previous students that the exam would be pretty much common sense. That was true...but I think I used a lot of previous knowledge (from the days when I had a day care and took care of children all day long) and that those who don't have any experience with children would not have thought those questions were common sense. Anyway, I got a HP and I'm so friggin happy about it! It was also nice because I rarely go to that class, or I read articles while in class.

Another day, another test, on to the next headache.

Exhaustion before Midterm

2007-05-29T06:20:00.000-07:00

We went down south for a family reunion over Memorial Day weekend and I am exhausted. I didn't study one ounce of material, and I have a midterm this morning in, oh, 30 minutes. Why would she schedule a midterm the morning after the holiday, when it was our first break since spring break in March? This isn't going to be good, between driving 10+ hours each way over the weekend and very little sleep, and no studying, it's not looking too good...

Back on the Grind

2007-05-20T20:35:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I have class bright and early at 8am. Community Health, followed by Pediatrics, and then Issues in Nursing. I am not looking forward to it - it's too early in the morning. I'm losing steam because it's summer and I'm supposed to be out having so much fun, and not couped up in a windowless room for 7 hours a day. It's just tiring. So, let's have a few more moments of denial:

My neighbor (and good new friend since starting the program) is woman in my class, also in the midwifery specialty. Her husband is starting an accelerated nursing program at a nearby institution tomorrow morning. Isn't that amazing? They have similar backgrounds to my own (except they're Mexican American) and so I understand what this means for them to come from where they come from and be doing what they are doing, it's nothing short of miraculous. So, anyway, she had a surprise party for him tonight to celebrate his getting into the prestigious institution's nursing program and to wish him luck on his first day tomorrow by having all of their friends (both in and outside of nursing school) to come and offer support, encouragement and practical advice for succeeding in school. It was so beautiful, and he was totally surprised. I just kept thinking, love is a beautiful thing. Mexican American love exists, and it's beautiful, too. I hope I keep seeing these things happen around me, from people of all backgrounds; I think it does something for my soul each time, it's like having something greater than yourself to believe in...

She passed out a CD she made for all of the guests as we were leaving:

"Whatever Gets You Through Nursing School & Other Songs to Inspire"

1. Whatever Gets You Through the Night (John Lennon)
2. To Zion (Lauren Hill)
3. Feelin Alright (Joe Cocker)
4. Talk About the Passion (R.E.M.)
5. California Dreamin (The Mamas and The Papas)
6. Stayin Alive (Wyclef Jean)
7. Democracy (Leonard Cohen)
8. Wade in the Water (Various Artists)
9. My Own Two Hands (Ben Harper)
10. Crazy (Alanis Morissete)
11. Run On (Moby)
12. Talkin Bout a Revolution (Tracy Chapman)
13. Hope (Sweet Honey in the Rock)
14. Songs We Sing (Charlotte Gainsbourg)
15. Under Pressure (Queen)
16. September (Earth, Wind, and Fire)
17. Once in a Lifetime (Talking Heads)
18. Lizobuya (Amandala!)

Thank God for people who inspire and uplift you when you need it.

May 17th

2007-05-17T10:13:00.000-07:00

Today is our 7th wedding anniversary.
It's been a long road, but it's more than worth it.
Black love exists, and it's beautiful, too.

Integrity in Nursing School

2007-05-16T08:32:00.000-07:00

Integrity in this environment is a tough thing to have. I remember one of my first posts of nursing school being about this very issue. Well here I am again, and I am really trying to figure out what the hell is going on. This place is like corporate America, people do whatever it is they feel they have to do in order to get the job done - even if it isn't right. So, same scenario as the first time, we had an online exam, but this time it was open note and open book. That's great, but the questions were tricky - everyone agrees on this point. My grade? 68. (FAILING) Class average? 90. (HIGH PASS) Now, I'm routinely a little bit below average - like 5-10 points give or take, but failing when everyone else almost hit the honor's range?!? Never. So, of course, I ask around town what the hell is going on. What happened? How did you know that answer? I couldn't find it anywhere, etc. (We were allowed 2 hours to take the exam - I answered the last question with like 1 minute remaining - I could NOT find the answers!) Here's what happened:

1) They made it a "group exam," meaning they all got out their laptops and took the exam together, dividing the questions among themselves, and figuring out the discrepancies as a group - which we were specifically told NOT to do - in fact, we were also required to take the exam in the school lab (which is under video surveillance). Some of the advantages of this are obvious, but one advantage that I think might not be so obvious is that because you have all those people, you can do a more thorough search of the internet - which is what you had to do to figure out some of the correct answers because his notes were not clear on some topics...so people had to read articles they found on Pub Med, etc. to find the answers, which is doable when you have four people helping you look for the answer, but not when you are taking the exam alone!

2) They used last year's midterm, which had the correct answers for 75% of the questions. A midterm we obviously weren't supposed to have access to - even considering it was open note, open book.

Here I am again, pondering the question of personal integrity versus survival in nursing school. What good is personal integrity if I do not pass the class and therefore do not finish the program? Can one be a person of integrity in an environment where integrity does not exist? Or is this like the "it is dangerous to be sincere with insincere people" thing? Is the cost to the individual worth it? Am I willing to take a chance on failing Nutrition in order to maintain my basic level of integrity? I have worked really hard not to let this place, this experience, turn me into someone I am not, someone I (and those who look up to me) will not be able to recognize. Repeatedly people defend themselves by saying, "it's just the way the game is played." I don't buy that. There has to be some level of self-responsibility. Pass at what cost? But I also understand this: do NOT pass, at what cost? There is a real opportunity to pass this class without using the final exam that is floating around campus...but there is also a real possibility of failing it by one question - which I just experienced. Where is the conversation that should be happening among the other folks who failed this exam because they did not cheat (there are at least 5 others who I know of) No one is going to tell, because we are not the moral police, right? But where does that leave us? Failing. And I find it so ironic that this is all happening in an environment where we all sign an "honor code."

Hmpf, honor code my ass.

Stand

2007-05-14T18:10:00.000-07:00

I stumbled upon these lyrics right when I needed them.
Maybe you need them, too.

"Stand" by Rascal Flatts

You feel like a candle in a hurricane
Just like a picture with a broken frame
Alone and helpless
Like you've lost your fight
But you’ll be alright

You’ll be alright

Chorus:
Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause its all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you’ve had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you Stand,
Then you stand

Verse 2.
Life's like a novel
With the end ripped out
The edge of a canyon
With only one way down
Take what you're given before its gone
Start holding on, keep holding on

Chorus:
Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause its all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you’ve had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you Stand,
Yeah then you stand.

Bridge:
Everytime you get up
And get back in the race
One more small piece of you
Starts to fall into place
Ooohhh

Chorus:
Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause its all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you’ve had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you Stand,
Then you stand
Yeah then you stand.
Yeah then you stand.
ohhhhhhhhh
ohhhhhhhhh
ohhhhhhhhh
ooohhhhhhh
then you stand

Link to the video

Maternal Newborn Clinical

2007-05-05T18:38:00.000-07:00

It's so weird that I didn't blog about the Maternal Newborn clinical rotation...maybe because it went by so very fast. I had 4 weeks on a postpartum unit, and then 4 weeks on a labor and birth unit.

Postpartum: I liked the postpartum unit the best because it provided the most opportunity for education about breastfeeding, well woman care, and baby care. I took a lactation class, which was great and helped the lactation consultant on the floor with a mom who was having a really, really hard time (this was a two hour session with this mom and baby) and I learned more in those two hours than in all the lectures, classes and textbook material I've read about breastfeeding to date. The mom 1) could not recognize the baby's feeding cues early enough (by the time she noticed the baby was pretty much crying) which makes for a difficult latch (proper attachment/alignment of the baby's mouth onto the breast) 2)mom wasn't getting enough breast into the mouth, so baby was latching onto the nipple only = painful! and 3)because of the aforementioned, mom was exhausted from trying and baby was screaming. Eventually they got it together though, and I learned so much about positions and latching and how a frustrated mom can stop breastfeeding dead in its tracks. The basic organization of the rotation was that we took care of moms who had vaginal deliveries on Thursday and then moms who had cesareans on Friday, and we did head to toe assessments on their newborns everyday. It was the est rotation ever. My preceptor was phenomenal and very hands off (which I like...I don't like preceptors that hover) and she was very organized as far as what we could do alone and what we could not.

Labor and birth: of course I enjoyed it...but it's frustrating to be a nursing student when you want to be a midwife because there's so much you want to do and say but can't because it's not your role yet. You have to take a lot of orders that you may not believe in, and that's hard. It's also hard to watch women be shackled to monitors all day, unable to move and without an ounce of food. But I did see healthy babies born vaginally and by C-section and it was great. It was so amazing to be standing in the OR and watching what I've watched on TV for so many years. I mean really amazing. My last patient made my experience on L&B very memorable:

N.K. Podo (not her real name) showed up to the hospital on Wednesday for a nonstress test. They admitted her because she had lost her mucous plug and was spotting, and because she had SO MUCH going on that they didn't want her to go back home. They started to induce her instead (don't ask). What did she have going on? She was high risk because
a)she had gestational diabetes
b)pre-ecclampsia
c)isoimmunization with sensitization (I made the term a link, but it's complicated...in the most basic terms I can think of, the mom's immune system attacks the baby's blood while she's pregnant)
d)she had tested positive for the Cystic Fibrosis gene, and the father had not been tested
e)polyhydraminos (too much amniotic fluid)
f)measuring macrosomic (baby estimated to be 10lbs)
g)she was obese at 5'7" and 365 pounds, which makes monitoring the baby on a heart monitor much harder, and posed some increased risk in the the operating room
h)she had no support system present but myself

They (the attendings, residents, anesthesiologists, etc) "allowed" her to labor for three days...mostly because no one want to be the one to have to perform her C-section (they said as much) because of the excess adipose tissue and the risk factors with anesthesia (she was demanding general anesthesia because of her fear of epidurals). She labored until Friday afternoon without any food or drink or pain medicine because they would not give her narcotics by IV and she was afraid of the epidural. The reason they would not give her narcotics is because the baby's heart rate was not looking very good.

So what does this mean to a nursing student/future midwifery student? It means that instead of getting a new patient on Friday, after spending all day Thursday with her, my preceptor sent me back to her, which I was so grateful for because she was all alone. It means that a lot of labor support was needed because she was so tired and in pain and hungry and all alone and very, very scared. It means that I had to fight for the patent's right to refuse the epidural even in the face of serious bullying from the docs and her obvious pain. It means that I had to deal with the consequences of "talking back" to a doctor (because I said that maybe it would be better if only *one* of them spoke to her at a time and maybe, just maybe, we could wait until the peak of this contraction had passed?!?) This moment made me realize that I would never, ever, have a baby at a teaching hospital...to many people coming in to "consult" and "check" and "advise" and "teach" Just imagine two or three of every role, all in the room at once, trying to convince her that she wants an epidural (never mind that she's had 3 children, up to 9lbs 14oz without ever having had an epidural), trying to explain the risks and outcomes of all of these complications she has going on and an overall fat bias present from most of them on top of everything. It was a circus and I was trying to help create some calm because she was in tears and almost irate at the situation (as I would be).
There were no consequence from asserting my patients rights, other than the silent treatment form the docs, which I can live with until they get over it, besides...it will be a long time before I am on that unit again. I rarely left the patients side, but when I did it was because the nurse made me. She said the patient was "too attached" to me, and that it wasn't healthy. This really p'd me off. I mean, she had no support system...why wouldn't we want someone to help her through each contraction if it was feasible? And, she was my only patient...let me get this right, I am supposed to sit in the break room for two hours doing absolutely nothing instead of helping her? It goes against everything I believe in, and I told her so. The patient eventually went to the OR for C-section because the baby's heart rate was flattening, she wasn't making any progress at all as far as cervical dilation or station, and her water had been broken for a long time (it didn't help that everybody had there fingers up there all the time). I went to the OR with her but wasn't part of the care team (as we usually are by helping out when they need something or charting or whatever else the nurse is doing), instead I only had to sit at her head and keep her company and calm. Again, the nurse tried to make me leave because I was "off" (meaning, I was off work for the day) and again I said I was just fine where I was and would leave after we wheeled her into the recovery room, just as I had promised the patient (she had an epidural, not general anesthesia). Her baby was born, wailing! It was a beautiful sound. And she felt like 10 pounds to me. It was so great to see the baby, and to have the mom awake for it, after all she had been through. She said "I will never forget you and all you have done for me." I said "And I will never forget you and all you have allowed me to learn. I will never forget how strong you were, how strong you are." And I meant it. I will never forget this patient.

From my preceptors (1 for L&B and 1 for PP) final evaluation comments:
"If I were having a baby, I would come find you, even at the level you are right now. You're going to be a wonderful midwife...you're so intelligent...you know when to stand back at let be, and you know when to jump in and you don't hesitate when that time comes...seriously, you're great, and I can't wait to see you back on the floor as a midwifery student."

I almost cried. I struggle in class so much that I really wonder about all of this...it seems like it shouldn't be this hard. But I do not generally struggle in clinical when it comes to relating to people, especially women which really keeps me going. You never really know how your preceptor thinks you're doing in clinical until the evaluation comes... It wasn't a validation per se, but rather it was I know I am supposed to be a midwife...now other people know it too...and they know it not because I told them, but because they witnessed it.

End of Spring Semester

2007-05-05T18:21:00.000-07:00

Spring semester ended yesterday, finally. With it, Maternal Newborn and Pathophysiology ended as well. What would be nice is a break between the spring and summer semesters, but of course we aren't getting one. Summer semester starts on Monday. Nutrition and Issues in Nursing continue on, and we pick up Community Health and Pediatrics. So my new clinical starting next week will be Peds. Oh joy.

Right now, on this non-break of a weekend, I am trying to write my paper for Issues class, which is worth 70% of my grade. It's been a long time since I could sound off about anything I want in a paper! It's due on Monday. I also have to get my stuff together to take the Nutrition midterm...no cramming necessary because it's online, open note and book, and I have two hours, so I just have to organize the notes.

I went to the mall today by myself because the man's away visiting his hometown. It was a very relaxed day of shopping, manicure, massage (I tried that Aqua massage thing at the mall...it was only ok) and eating out with only Sister Outsider to keep me company. I planned to see a movie, but there was nothing good except Spider Man which I promised to see with the man, and Disturbia which is a group outing scheduled for next week.

PS: I saw "The Namesake" last week and it was really, really good - and this is coming from someone who sees a LOT of movies! It was so refreshing to see a movie with brown characters, living real lives and dealing with real issues like assimilation.

An Exhausting Day

2007-05-01T16:11:00.001-07:00

The following post was typed over a week ago, and I never posted it because I wanted to walk away from it and come back and see if I felt the same way or if I was simply whining...I still feel the same way, so here it is:

This time, it is not really about the physical demands, although it was 12 hour day in which I left my house at 8 this morning and won't get home until after 10 tonight (class, work study, and work today!) Today left me mentally exhausted. I feel like I think about my life ten times more than other people, and I'm not sure that's a good thing. Everyone seems so detached from life while in nursing school. I try to focus on only what's in front me this moment, but I just don't think that way I guess. I ask about the PhD program, about research, about job experiences, about clinical competance, about writing a lit review, and a million other things that other people don't seem to be worried about, or even thinking about, at all. It's only about the classes...day in and day out...but I will lose my mind if I have to really concentrate on only the classes, especially since so many of the classes really make me nuts! I also think I might talk to much, ask too many questions (but NOT in that "OMG I know she's not asking another question, can't we just get on with class" kind of way) and make too many people in positions of power uncomfortable. I know that I am articulate (can I have that moment of arrogance?) but I will say that I had no idea just how articulate other people perceive me to be (H, you don't count ;o) and how threatened that makes them feel.

The Agony of THE WAIT

2007-05-01T15:33:00.000-07:00

I took my two finals today, dutifully. Patho went (seemingly) well enough, but Maternal Newborn, on the other hand, felt disastrous. I hate studying so hard to still have to wonder if I passed a test. We covered a semester class in 6 weeks. I think that's beyond accelerated. And what's worse is that the objectives that are supposed to help you study for the exam are useless because they simply outline every bold heading in the textbook...it's unreasonable to expect that kind of memorization. But I'm not going to get up on my soap box today. I'm just going to say that I am worried....even after having started studying for this exam well over two weeks ago (right after the midterm!) Only 65 questions for all that material...I took the full two hours, and still wasn't really sure of my answers...I said I was going to stop, and I am, because what can I do about it now? Nothing.

Anyway.

I added two new blogs to my roster. I added Battle Axe because I realized I've been reading her lately, and I enjoy her sense of humor, her frankness and her willingness to post about being in nursing school and a (single?) mother. Here's a post of hers if you wanna chek her out. And also "Brown Graduate Student" which is not the real title of the blog...the real blog is by a girl named Cathryn Blue who is earning a PhD at St. Louis University (she says all this in her blog). I have been reading this blog since it first began months ago. I learned about it from some online article about the "first minority graduate student blog" which I thought was interesting because so many of us have been bloggin for such a long time...but anyway, she is in the humanities(?) if I remember correctly, so it's a different kind of graduate school experience from another brown (black?) girl in the world for you non-nursing folks considering graduate school. Her blog is quite good because she sticks to the topic, is insightful, and consistent. This first page of posts is a good example, I think.

This is the last week of Maternal newborn clinical also...which I somehow neglected to ever comment about. A pre-midwifery student's first maternity rotation deserves its own post, so I will give it that respect later...

We have been assigned our community health rotations for the summer and I will be staying local and working at a primary health care clinic. I asked for, begged for, Planned Parenthood, but of course I didn't get it...I still think there was some non-randomness to the whole selection process...I ended up at a site with two other brown people...can somebody get back to me on the probablity of 3 out of about 10 available brown folks (out of a class of 80+) all getting placed at the same clinic? I mean, really, what are the odds? Whatever. It's a 3 week rotation, and I can do just about anything for 3 weeks. But before this rotation starts, I have Pediatrics.

I hope it's better than I am imagining it will be.

It's All A Distraction

2007-04-25T17:17:00.000-07:00

Everything's a distraction right now. Maybe I need to go into a serious hibernation or something. My finals are on Tuesday and I can't concentrate to save my life. I tried to make a list of things that I felt like I needed to do to help me calm down (get clothes together for the week, organize all my notes and study materials, answering emails that have been nagging me, etc. etc.) but the truth is that it is all a distraction (a friend told me this in reference to something else, but right now it's giving me perspective on this)...I'm procrastinating. I'm procrastinating because I am sick of school, and I am sick of memorizing without learning, and I am tired.

No matter what I do, I am never going to be ready to fully dive into these books, until I dive into these books. At least I have been consistently studying for finals for the past two weeks and nothing will be brand new when I read it tonight.

The Meeting

2007-04-22T07:01:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, the brown students finally had the meeting at the dean's house. It was supposed to be 1.5 hours, but it was more like 3.5! She has one of the most beautiful homes I've ever, ever seen and the spread of food was wonderful, and she is a very, very good host.

I had a goal of not complaining about anything for the entire night, and just listening, but it didn't work, mainly because I ended up semi-co-leading the meeting with dean, which is not want I wanted...but I can't say it's not what I expected, because when you put students in the room with faculty and administrators, they get nervous and they aren't as articulate as would be otherwise. Because I was the notetaker at the pre-meetings the students had to prepare for the "big meeting," there was a lot of "Can you talk about what I said at meeting last Monday about the curriculum?" And of course I would say, "You go ahead and say it!" But then they would start to stumble (which I think people should work through and keep talking because that's the only way you're going to learn), or they wouldn't speak at all. I thought it was very interesting that the dean wants everyone to "stand up, be loud, and be heard" at the school, as though she didn't recognize that students right there at the meeting couldn't manage to do that in a room full of people who were "on their side." But at least a few people spoke up. And then, because I was taking notes, the dean made me recap the first half of the meeting at the mid point, which was, seriously, like 4 pages of stuff that I did not have organized in any kind of way because they were just "my notes." But anyway, here are some positive things that came out of the meeting:

* We showed up, I mean in a critical mass kind of way!

* A student group (or 2, if we separate brown from rainbow) will be formed, separate from the administrative ad hoc committee---> and it will be funded!

* We got permission to call incoming diversity students, using the student affairs office for a call space

* We are invited to be on the curriculum planning, teaching and learning, and peer review committees (these are administrative committees that we will now take turns to attend the meetings where these issues are discussed, so that we can provide the "student perspective")

* We know what the current diversity committee is and is not, what they have and have not done, and what power they have or don't have (Can I just say that this ad hoc - there's your clue - committee is a joke?)

Some problems at the meeting:
* It was all about student responsibility...Ahem, it not only a student responsibility, but an institutional responsibility to improve the diversity issues at the school...it is not the responsibility of the students to do the job of the recruitment office and student affairs! At one point during the meeting she even suggested the students teach the faculty about diversity through giving presentations...huh? No. How about faculty take the initiative to educate themselves...and do us the favor of not spewing statistics until you do so.

* There were too many faculty/administrators, the ratio was 1:1 and they spent too much trying to tell us what they had already done, without asking us what we already knew...ie: 5 minute long ramblings about how we could volunteer at such and such clinic that they helped start, without first asking how many people already do (which was more than half the room!) It's like yes, we know about that, but one clinic doesn't negate your responsibility to not spew racist ideology from the lectern...nor does it have anything to do with what we're talking about ...we are asking for better discussion in the classroom, not a list of places to go to "get some diversity," hear me now? And they kept making suggestions for what we could do...and this is where my silent thing 1st fell through completely, because at one point I said "raise your hand if you..." and went through the list, because obviously they had underestimated how involved we've already been and the students were getting frustrated with all that "You guys can" and "You guys should" No, ma'am, we already did, so let's get to what you guys can do.

Updates from the things we criticized last semester:
* We're getting an actual Pharm professor! Imagine that, our very own full time professor of Pharm stationed right at the nursing school.
* Biomed is being completely redone. "The only thing that stays the same is the teacher." Hmph, I hate tenure.
* A new brown faculty member is coming for the fall! Doesn't that sound so ridiculous? I mean, we are so desperate, but when she said it I was really, really happy because that's how few we have...and one girl (a Latina) mentioned that all of our "diverse" faculty members are black...
* We secured a massive amount of money for scholarships...which won't trickle down to us, but hey, I'm happy for the next group.

So there it is (in as few words a s possible).

Virginia Tech

2007-04-16T15:36:00.000-07:00

You know, I saw the news for the first time at about noon, on CNN. I understood it, but I don't think I fully comprehended it. I went immediately to the computer lab to read more because the TV in the cafeteria is so small and so high up. When I was reading it, I kept thinking, OMG, but I still don't think it had really hit me. but now, as I am sitting at work...in the engineering building at my own school, I'm in tears. I'm a student, at a university, in the engineering building/library/dorm just like all of those people were. I went class today, just like they did. One word keeps running through my mind, and it's grace. These are the moments that make you think about your life and not only what you intend to do with it, but what you've already done. Your breath gets caught in your throat and you want to call somebody, but who? And what will you say? What can you do?

Average

2007-04-15T16:11:00.000-07:00

My Maternal Newborn grade wasn't stellar, only average - like most of my work here has been this year. I always feel like like my head is barely above water, and every now and then I actually go under but come back up so that my nose is resting on the surface...so I can breathe, but barely...It's not fun to work so hard and only be average, in fact, it's maddening. And every (I'm guessing) midwifery student probably thinks they should get the absolute best grades they've ever gotten right now, in the Maternal Newborn section of this first year in the program...I mean, that's what we're here for after all...but that just isn't the way it works...learning takes on a whole new meaning when you realize you are really, seriously, going to be responsible for the stuff you're learning...it's not like Psych, where one says I will just try to absorb as much as I can that might help me in my actual field, but it's not the end of the world because, well, I'm not going into Psych. Now it seems I am obsessed with every single detail, like my life (or more accurately, the woman in front of me) depends on it (because it will), and so it is really, really irritating to be "average" because who wants to be an average provider? An average midwife? Certainly not me.

Ramblings of the Day

2007-04-10T18:09:00.000-07:00

|::|The Maternal Newborn exam was tough, but it was also fair. Not too many tricky questions, just an old-fashioned straight-forward, you-know-it-or-you-don't exam, and I happened to know most of it which was a really great experience and a big departure from Biomed days. My Biomed teacher actually proctored the exam, and he asked me about it afterwards...the first time I said "it wasn't too bad" but then he kept asking me about it, about "ambiguous questions" and "answers even geneticists wouldn't know" and I finally said that I actually thought it was one of the best exams I had taken since being at the school. And I meant it. I won't get the highest grade I've ever gotten on an exam because it wasn't the easiest exam I've ever taken, but it was one of the best written exams. It covered the 6 units it was over evenly according to how much material was in the unit...she put what unit each question came from, which really helps if you're one of those people who is always trying to "picture the notes" when you get stuck...and there were enough questions to miss a few and still do ok (60). Enough for me.

|::|Random side note (on the rare chance that any men read this blog): putting your hand in the small of a woman's back to escort her through a door is a little personal...I keep saying I'm going to start wearing my ring again because people look for it when they talk to you, but I don't feel like it. Just don't touch me - which shouldn't be dependent on whether I'm married or not!

|::|The brown people are having another meeting next week to collect our thoughts and get on the same page before our meeting next weekend at the Associate Dean's (our advocate) house...we had asked for the names and numbers of the incoming brown folks so we could call and give them a personal welcome, followed by individual cards signed by all of us - which we requested postage funds for (both are things that the med school does) but the Dean of Student Affairs brushed us off, so that's first on the agenda...

|::|Me and the man are in the market for a car, and it's such a headache. We were going to buy a newer (ie: 2003+) Honda (had one...loved it!) or Toyota (good car, period) so that we wouldn't have to worry so much about maintenance...but after looking at my credit report and being pleasantly surprised (up almost 150 points since this same time last year, woo hoo!) we are now leaning toward a cash purchased, 5K or so, car to get us through 1 year as we try to get the score up even higher so we can get a good interest rate on a really nice car. But of course that require some additional savings for the repairs that are sure to follow the purchase. Ugh.

|::|And lastly, I think I'm studying abroad at the end of the academic year. Oaxaca for Medical Spanish immersion for the month of August. Some women from our program have been working with a language school there for the past decade and they have the neatest opportunity: 7 hours a day of Spanish only instruction, including classroom lessons, private 1 on 1 sessions, 1 hour conversation sessions each day with people from the community AND.....drumroll...working/volunteering at the side of the lay midwives of the region as they provide midwifery care in Spanish...can we say FABULOUS? And the best part...it's cheap! Less than $1000 for the month including room, excursions, & food money. Still gotta buy your airfare though, but I'm working it out....

Test Anxiety

2007-04-09T16:03:00.000-07:00

I'm in one of those moments where I can't compartmentalize things they way I like to...like family in one box/part of my brain...school in another...and personal in yet another...everything is just running together and I hate it! I think life is supposed to be integrated, but my life has just never been that way...I've always had my party friends, my serious friends, my smoker friends, my school friends, my religious friends, and on and on and on who I did different things with at different times and who I talked to about different things, but lately it's all just running together and it makes life complicated...it feels like I do the same thing with everybody, everyday. And that everybody is NURSING STUDENTS. I need to spend some time with some non-neurotic everyday people...ok, maybe not "non-neurotic" since very few of my real friends aren't neurotic, but at least with some people who know and talk about something other than nursing...us nursing students like to think that we do, but in reality we're very self-absorbed with what we're learning...preferably, I would like to talk to more people on street-level...I haven't even found a black bar for goodness sake! I also want to put something else into my brain. I've been studying for my Maternal Newborn Midterm for the last two weeks and I still don't have a grasp on the information...there's just too much of it. We had an open-book, online quiz and I still missed two! How does that happen? Brain burst. I'm so sick of the material, I read stuff that isn't even there, anticipating the next word or phrase because I've read the notes so many times. I have tried switching mediums, ie: working on the CDROM that came with the MN textbook and going through flashcards, but I'm still sick of looking at it, even though I haven't mastered it.

During study breaks I am reading "The Birth House" by McKay and it's a pretty good, laid back read so far. Wednesday I am having another Sex in the City watch-a-thon with my study partner and friend (season two, in it's entirety) complete with the same Caribbean food we ordered last time, and I'm going to work on these braids in my head that haven't been touched since Christmas break...

My Body Can't Take It!

2007-04-03T18:34:00.000-07:00

OMG. I am paying for all that partying now....

But I can't wait to do it again!

I'm almost in a trance now though...school has taken over my mind again (unfortunately, but thankfully because it's hard to do this without completely giving your mind over to it).

I am preparing for an online quiz tomorrow that serves as a preview for the Maternal Newborn midterm next week, deciding on a paper topic for Issues in Nursing class (worth 70% of the grade, which is fine by me), and trying to memorize these darn meds for clinical this week.

When I think about other points in the program, this is an easy moment, and I am taking the time to realize and be thankful for it....

The US News came out with its new grad school rankings and my school moved up quite a bit, including the midwifery program specifically, which was nice to see (of course the dean sent out an email).

I am also running from all the other things I like to spend a considerable amount of time thinking about...hoping that I can stay focused on school and not the rest of the world...

Articulate and Authoritative

2007-03-27T18:27:00.000-07:00

"I remember my great-grandmother, too...Her husband died before I was born, but I remember that whenever my great-grandmother walked into a room, her grandsons and her nephews stood up. The women in her family were very, very articulate. Of course, my great-grandmother could not read, but she was a midwife and people from all over the state came to her for advice and for her to deliver babies. They came for other kinds of medical care, too. Yes, I feel the authority of those women more than I do my own."

Toni Morrison...from text at the Reclaiming Midwives exhibit at the Smithsonian.

It just makes me feel good...

14 Hour Day

2007-03-27T17:40:00.000-07:00

I swear the day is N E V E R going to end....

A Monday in the Life

2007-03-26T18:41:00.000-07:00

Today was long...I started with class at 10am which continued until 4:40 (after not getting home from school until 1:30 this morning - which was fine because I knew I could wake up late) and then to work, so right now I'm getting to that exhausted state. I have work until 10pm which means it was a 12hour day for me.

Tomorrow is worse because the day starts at 8am and doesn't end until 10pm.

But I am still loving my new classes, especially Maternal Newborn.

Today was the first day of Issues in Nursing, and it seems good enough...a paper worth 70% about an "important nursing issue" and an online quiz at the end worth the other 30%. I can live with that.

After 3 hours of creating med charts on common OB meds, I still have 15 meds to go...it seems like there must be an easier way, but I haven't found it yet. Maybe I'll send the chart to my study partner and let her fil out the rest...

I need to mail some documents all over the place, finish my taxes, and fill out a renewal FAFSA all by Wednesday, which is a little overwhelming...but there was great progress made in housework because I have family visiting this week which has really lifted my spirits! I have so much planned and I need to study hard for the next coupole of days so I can take the rest of the week off and really enjoy her visit.

So much to do...so little time...

Maternal Newborn

2007-03-22T08:49:00.000-07:00

After a week of Maternal Newborn class I remember why I came to nursing school. Every day is like a connecting of dots. It's such a different learning experience when you're familiar with the terminology and you absolutely love and are interested in the topics before the class even begins! For once I can actually sit back and enjoy the lectures without scrambling to write down notes of things I need to look up because I've never heard it before. Most terms and concepts are familiar and the ones that aren't are like light bulbs turning on in my head as I recall reading something about it that never really made sense until now! And it's amazing how much more quickly time goes by when you're interested...I sit front row middle seat for this class and don't leave at all during the 2-3 hours of class.

The professor is another story, but it's tolerable. Actually, she's really very good but her social skills are seriously lacking...her affect is so flat and she is so stern; I think students routinely feel intimidated, sad, mad, frustrated after asking her a question because she is so condescending. I don't ask many questions, but I feel sorry those who do...but then too, we have so many people who ask questions just to hear their own voices that half the time I'm laughing in my head at her response to them...I should stop...but I can't...LOL

I have so much work to do and so much reading, but what's new? At least I want to read what's assigned!

A Shift in Studying

2007-03-19T04:47:00.000-07:00

Today is the first day of school after spring break (I'm still trying to get over it) but before I move on, I want to take a minute to talk about the shift in studying that happened for me last semester, especially in Biomed...

If you're new to the blog, you might want to read these entries first:
Part 1
Part 2

Basically, I was failing Biomed (miserably so) after 2 exams, but my second 2 exams were drastically better, and here's why:

1. I changed study partners. Previously, I had been studying with other people in a haphazard way, getting what I could from whomever I could and I met with the TA for the course. For the second half of the course, I gave myself permission to dismiss the TA because she was not helpful for me (another story all together) which was against the advice of most of those around me. Then I got together with a girl who I am actually good friends with, but hadn't ever studied with. It turns out that our styles were similar enough to make it work, but different enough to give me a new way to study. Mainly, the difference between studying with her and other folks was that 1) she was dedicated to massive study time that started well before any exam 2)she reviews older info while studying new info in a way that connects the info from the last exam to the new info and 3)she doesn't quit until she gets it (We both had similar studying habits in that we wrote down review questions for each lecture to guide our studying) And lastly, (small but important) we started every study session with positive affirmations. Doesn't that sound corny? LOL It did to me, too, at first, but then I got used to it and it was so fabulous!

2. I asked questions during the exam. Someone had failed to mention this tip to me before the first 2 exams, but once I got the tip, I was amazed. This is extremely problematic to me, but it's the reality: the professor offers significant help with understanding his questions during the exam if you simply go up and ask. And because the questions are so bad, it's necessary to go ask. I hate this. But it worked (for this class).

3. I changed the way I read the notes. Instead of sitting and reading a lecture (between 6 and 12 pages, single spaced) straight through, I would read one page at a time, completely unpacking each sentence as I went. His notes are incredibly dense, and this was the only way to get everything I needed out of every sentence. I also stopped to look up every unfamiliar term (which added sooo much time to my studying) because I did not have the background information for what he was talking about. ie: he would be talking about the hormones of the anterior pituitary and I would have to find a text book (or get online) and find out what those hormones were and what they did before I could move on. After all the reading and note-taking in the margins, I would reorganize the notes so they made sense - especially chronologically - which his notes lacked. Btu I was always careful to keep the notes in his language (using his terminology) as well as my own, because the test questions are obviously in his language. I also had to look up synonyms to major vocabulary terminology because he would use one word through out his notes, but then use a synonym of the term on the exam! (so friggin irritating, tricky, and unnecessary!) So while reading, I would write synonyms for terms on the notes.
These changes were probably the most constructive as far as being able to give someone advice on how to study for this course, but the last thing I did was the most necessary for me, personally:

4. I took time to look inward:
"...I spent an enormous amount of time confronting my issues (because no one can make you feel inferior without your consent), rebuilding my confidence (because it was gone), and reassessing and recommitting to my purpose (because it’s the only way to survive this experience, I think). This involved journaling, reading my writing, including my admissions essays, and goal updating/refining. It was hard work, and, honestly, it left me exhausted, which is one of the reasons why I hope I don’t have to do it again soon."

I also did a few things right before the exams, like being quizzed by other people, reviewing charts made by others, and checking in with friends about my anxiety levels.

End of Quarter/Next Up

2007-03-06T18:31:00.001-08:00

The quarter ended last Friday, finally. There's so much to say about it, but so little energy to even go there. It's like I've finally finished and I don't want to even think about it anymore. But I do want to take a moment to acknowledge the accomplishment of surviving Biomed. I will do it in another post in which I will also explain how I finally figured out how to study for that class. Here's what I can muster with the little energy the quarter left me with:

Psych class ended just as dry as it began. It was just a very easy no brainer kind of class in which I could have learned more but I didn't force it because I was focused on other stuff. It was an easy High Pass, and I'll take it. Psych clinical on the other hand was challenging (as I've already explained in other posts) and although I am glad to be moving on from it, I will miss it because I really like non-hospital nursing. It was dramatically different than Med Surg (which everyone knows I didn't like that much) and I got to work with patients who I could easily connect with and who solidified my choice, which is important because while everyone else was having their "this is why I am going into nursing" epiphanies during Med Surg, I was thinking "what the hell have I gotten myself into?"

Pharm ended, and I'm glad for it. I don't feel like I learned much in that class. It was a horrible seminar that had a different incompetent lecture every period. I hardly ever saw the professor for the course because she was never there, although she wrote most of the exams. Memorization, memorization, memorization - most of which went right out of my head immediately following the exam. And then I realized that she had a ridiculous curve and my studying dropped off completely because, study or not, my grades were the same. Just no motivation for that. We will take Pharm twice more before we graduate. Maybe next year it will be better.

Next Quarter starts in two weeks after spring break. This is what we are taking:

Maternal Newborn (Can we say FINALLY)
Nutrition
Issues in Nursing
Pathophysiology (continues from last quarter)

I'm actually looking forward to this set of classes like never before. Maternal newborn for obvious reasons, Nutrition-because I think it will interesting, and Issues in Nursing-because I love the topics and that we will finally get our noses out of a textbook! Patho is neutral - I'm just dealing with it.

Overall, this quarter went by very quickly. I can only hope that the next one does as well so I can finish and move on.

On another note, I took a survey for grad and professional students that was designed by the student senate to gauge their progress in providing activities for grad/prof students across campus and was pleasantly reminded that I do actually participate in more than just class. A while ago I posted that I wanted to begin to take note of things I do on campus, other than work and study. Well, for the survey we had to check off all of the things that we had done from the list that they provided. When I got to the bottom, I realized that I had checked almost EVERY SINGLE ITEM. (I had not attended a very special sporting event) Anyway, I have visited a campus museum, attended a talk, attended an on-campus conference, went to a U sponsored happy hour, went to a theater production (and my first cabaret!), and a couple other things that if I mentioned would give my school away!

Are you our teacher?

2007-02-27T06:15:00.000-08:00

The Pharm final was this morning. It was supposed to start at 8am. When I arrived in the parking lot at about 8:10, she was walking up to the school. She's always late (hence why I was late). However, she did not enter the classroom until 8:25, and when she did she looked confused...like crazy woman confused...looking under cabinets, walking around tables...crazy. Then she asked us if we knew where the exams were. I'm sure my facial expression spoke volumes, so it's good that I sit in the very, very back of the classroom. She left the room (presumably to look for the exams) and came back without them saying that they weren't where they were supposed to be, and did any of us know how or where she could make copies? The whole time I felt like I was in a time warp...the combination of sleepnights studying for finals (although I didn't really study for Pharm) and overall tiredness/frustration with this particular class just full cirlce and I was thinking "This is not happening. I am imagining this, I haven't woken up yet." I think the class was thinking the same thing. There was discussion of a walk out, but I knew no one would move. But we did fill out our evaluations right after the test and I don't think that helped her at all.

There's so much going on that I'm overwhelmed. And tired.

What Does One Say?

2007-02-26T07:55:00.000-08:00

...when a major stressor in their life for the last 6+ months finally ends?

Nothing...yet. I have a Psych exam after lunch today and a Pharm exam in the morning. But by God, tomorrow afternoon. Tomorrow afternoon I will celebrate as though I've never passed a class in my life and then I will spend the weekend in a great city before going home.

Home. To my mama.

Now that I think about it, that's probably what I'll say.

Take me home, I want my mama.

Biomed, In the Final Hour

2007-02-26T06:08:00.000-08:00

The mornings of exams I used to listen to encouraging music while studying. I had my IPOD programmed to play 4 slower, encouraging Gospel songs (think, Yolanda Adams) followed by a Hip Hop anthem-style song (think "Survivor")...I actively study during the slow (20 mins) then take a break during the fast (5 mins) and keep going for about an hour or two. Well, since my IPOD was stolen last semester, I haven't been able to do this. But this morning I came to school and listened to Yahoo radio while I studied. A minute ago, a song called "The Struggle is Over" by Youth for Christ came on; there isn't a song more appropriate for how I feel this morning as I prepare to take this final BIOMED exam. I've reached that place where I can't even be anxious about it because I just want it to be over. No matter the outcome, the stress of it is now over. It's like the peace you get after making a decision.

Hearing the song was one of those "And this, too, shall pass" reminders, and we all need those.

What Makes the NHSC Application Culturally Biased?

2007-02-19T15:45:00.000-08:00

This was the question posed by an anonymous poster in the comments section of the related post. I will try to explain it here...

So. The point of the NHSC is to get med/pa/cnm/fnp students to work in economically depressed areas (which they call Health Professional Shortage Areas or HPSAs) which are in critical need of providers. The vast majority of professional students are middle to upper class non-minorities that do not come from these areas. Keeping that in mind, let's break down a question that is on this year's application/personality assessment:

Choose A or B:

A. "I would like to work in a community where the people and activities are different than those I grew up with."

B. "I would like to work in a community where the people and activities are the same as those I grew up with."

When advised about how to fill out this application (by people who were successfully awarded the scholarship) I was told "the answers they want to hear are obvious." I believe the answers are obvious to the majority of people filling out this questionnaire because the majority of people filling it out (students in professional schools) are NOT from HPSAs and they are supposed to be answering questions in a way that indicates that they are committed to working in these HPSAs...and therefore the "obvious" answer is "A" because if you want to work in the kind of community you (being the med student who's filling it out) grew up in, chances are that community doesn't qualify as an HPSA. Get it?

So, what happens if you happen to be one of the very, very few people who actually grew up in an HPSA? Technically, you should be circling "B" because the area you want to serve is actually the same kind of area you grew up in...but I don't think scantron-style reading of these bubble assessments will be taking that into consideration, which makes me wonder if someone in this situation shouldn't be answering as the typical professional school student, or themselves...and *this* is why I feel the assessment is culturally biased.

But anyway, I will tell you that I have already resolved all of this in my mind and am no longer really thinking about it. I am just going to fill out the form truthfully, and let the universe handle the rest.

Praxis, Thesis, or Literature Review?

2007-02-18T07:55:00.000-08:00

I have a decision to make. Maybe a week ago I mentioned that I woke up at 4 am with my praxis/thesis topic and emailed a potential advisor about it. Since then I have spoken to others about it and so far it seems to have legs, and I have been given an unofficial go-ahead. We have the choice of doing an aesthetic praxis (a kind of artistic project that demonstrates what you've learned about a topic, which includes some writing) or a thesis (you research a topic in your profession and write about it - but it's much harder than it sounds..see below) or a basic literature review.

At my school, people lean toward literature reviews because they're easier to do. A literature review is where you read up on all of the research that has been done on a vary narrow topic, say "smoking habits of Latino youth from 1980 to the present" and you write a summary of that research (based on the articles you find)...usually the point of this is to lead up to a reason for new research to be conducted, or to introduce your own new research that relates to that topic. This is usually the first step of any research project, whether or not you officially include the full review in your actual research article. (ie: you will do this informally when thinking about researching any topic, but you may not necessarily write up a formal review) One of the reasons this is the top choice for students here is because, unlike other grad programs, we are not given any "time off" (meaning a semester without classes) to do a thesis...whatever project you choose, you will be writing/working on it while you are taking about 5 or 6 classes, and a lit review is the choice most conducive to this situation. You can think of a lit review as the first step of a thesis.

Some people do opt to do a thesis. A thesis is usually written at the end of a masters program to qualify for the degree. Often times you finish writing it after course work is done, but some do it concurrently. It is one (big) step beyond a lit review in that you submit an original idea as the research. There is more than one way to go about this, but for the sake of ease (and my limited time) I'll just say you can do a research project that involves you actually going out an collecting qualitative or quantitative data clinically (ie: interviewing 20-somethings about their choice to have an abortion or keeping track of the number of 17 year olds who have abortions in a specific county over a 6 month period) or you can review data from sources like the US Census or Education Trust Foundation and draw new conclusions about the data they provide. The downside to this project is that it takes a LOT of work - and you still basically have to do a lit review before you get started! And also, we have to do this while we are in (hard) classes. But there are reasons I would choose this project, among them:

1. It's a great way to start your PhD dissertation (if you stick to the same topic, almost half the work is done).
2. It's a published bound work for which you are the sole author.
3. It's respected...serious scholars write theses, and I can't imagine applying to doctoral programs without having done it.

Let me add: Lit reviews are respected as well, and they, too, can be published in journals. But I do think there is a difference!

Lastly, there is the aesthetic praxis. This is what I woke up that morning thinking I would do. A student who is graduating this year did hers on pregnant women and dancing in which (I'm guessing) she reviewed the literature on dancing as exercise or therapeutic for pregnancy and she (I know) choreographed a dance to go with it. Another is doing something with pregnancy photography. I woke up at 4 am saying I'm doing a story quilt on the history of black midwives, a la Faith Ringgold. This would require me to narrow down a specific aspect of this history (ie: history of use of superstition or faith based protocols by black midwives) and review the literature about it (lit review) and then to construct a quilt that includes pictures/painting and the text that I write, especially the connection between quilting and black midwifery. The upside to this project is that I get to combine more than one of my interests and have fun while doing a something that could otherwise be very daunting. If I have to spend over a year of my life with this thing, I want to enjoy the process! But there are down sides, mainly there is the question of whether this is a "respectable" project for someone who is going to continue on to a doctoral program? Although I recognize the work that this project entails, is a doctoral admissions committee going to see it? Or is it going to look like I took an easy, fun way out? Further, is it going to be too black to be universally respected among an academic midwifery audience? In the grand scheme of things this is only one of many, many more research projects to come, but it also my first research project, and I want to be taken seriously.

I don't like that I have to ask these questions. I don't like knowing that if I choose the aesthetic project I am going to have to fight to prove its value (even though this is the whole point of these projects) to a whole bunch of people who won't see it. I don't like feeling like I have to do the hardest project just to prove that I'm supposed to be here. I don't like that we value quantitative or qualitative, sciences over humanities. I don't like how we don't really value art in this country and the resulting obligation I feel to do something more "academic" because of it.

NHSC is Not Doing Interviews for 2007

2007-02-17T11:22:00.000-08:00

The National Health Service Corps is not conducting interviews for its 2007-2008 scholarship cycle...it just never ends with this program.

Let me start from the beginning. When I was applying to grad school, I found out that there really isn't any good financial aid for programs like mine (direct-entry/grad-entry programs in nursing, also called bridge programs) nor for graduate professional school in general. Everyone speaks of one or two programs when considering aid: the National Health Service Corp Scholarship & Loan Repayment Program, and the Scholarships for Disadvantaged Students Program. (The Nursing Scholarship Program is mostly for undergrads)

NHSC does not accept students in bridge programs, so we apply after the first year when, technically, we are no longer in a bridge program. You can see a snipet of the history of NHSC here, pay specific attention to the "NHSC milestones." Over the years, the program has been reducing its scholarship offerings in favor of the loan repayment program, which costs them less to provide, and in the '80's there was a severe decline in aid because the country expected a physician surplus. At this point, the program is almost all loan repayment, and I predict that in the next few years the scholarship will no longer be offered. I believe this will directly impact the number of minority physicians and APRNs because I have read articles stating that at times the number of minority students in this program exceeds 50% of the total of participants. (I will try to find a public link to one of these articles or at least tell you the name of it so you can look it up!)

The problem this year is that they all of a sudden decided not to conduct interviews for this program! Instead, they will select awardees based solely on their application...an application that has no essay, no place to indicate involvement in the community or any other volunteer experiences, no way to indicate who you are! How do you select people like this? The application is basically a personality assessment...and it happens to be culturally biased. I think the interviews were crucial to the selection process, and that in the absence of these interviews the demographics of their awardees will change significantly...that is unless they use the demographic section of the application to select a specific percentage of minority and non-minority applicants...is that still legal?

Anyway, all of this is just to say my number one plan for funding the next two years of school looks like it just fell through. I'm still applying, but interviews are a strength of mine, and with only the application it doesn't look good. The positive is that I can just stay and go straight to the doctoral program (maybe part time, I'm tired of school).

Oh! And the problem with the Schlarships for Disadvantaged Students Program is that none of the schools I applied to participate. You must apply through the financial aid office of your school. When I asked about this, they said that they don't meet the requirements for the program - mainly, they don't have enough minority students enrolled to qualify for the program, which seems backwards to me...

Pscyh Clinical: Week Five

2007-02-17T10:38:00.000-08:00

My fifth week of Psych clinical ended yesterday and, for the second time, my preceptor asked me, "Are you sure you don't want to go into Psych?" Followed with, "You'd be perfect for it." I kindly told her I was sure and we laughed, but later my groupmates said that I made this terrible face when she said it and that's what all the laughter was about. I really gotta work on my facial expressions! It's not that I can't see myself as a Psych APRN, it's just that I can't see myself as NOT being a midwife. This conversation happened after my conversation with a patient (another black woman on the unit who, like my last patient, is also addicted to cocaine) lasted an hour long - significant because she had refused to talk to staff and other students on the unit. This woman had had an "outburst" earlier in the week; she had called the social worker on staff a "racist bitch" and was screaming at her uncontrollably. Of course the staff just considered her to be very angry about something else, and requested that she apologize to the social worker after speaking to her about her feelings. Which is all fine and good (and necessary) but I also wanted to validate her feelings about the social worker, because angry or not, drug addicted or not, right now this patient is techinically clean (albeit only a month's worth, but still clean) and so she knows what she's saying and my guess was that she had a reason for saying it, so I asked her about it. Sure enough, the patient had an altercation with the social worker earlier in the month in which the social worker decided to interview another patient (a white patient) who had just got admitted that morning instead of her, despite the fact that she had been there 3 days already. I asked her why would the social worker do that...what would she get out of it? She said that she and the other black patients on the unit have all had negative experiences with the SW and the patient herself had had some negative experiences with the SW on her last stay on the unit some months ago, and that she felt like she just didn't like or wasn't comfortable interacting with them, and that maybe she was intimidated. So we talked for a while about all of that, and how to get what you came to get despite her or anyone else and then we moved on to other things. But later I followed up with other patients about their experiences on the unit, specifically as they pertained to racism (or not) and the same sentiments were expressed without my mentioning the SW or anyone else specifically. So it made for an interesting day, and when I questioned my preceptor about the SW, she said she thinks it has less to with race and more to do with the fact that the SW isn't very good at what she does, and some patients (I add: "especially the black patients who proabably have more experience because of socioeconomic differences on the unit") know more about the system than she does, which really irritates the patients. That sounds like it could be true. Anyway, I also spent a long time talking to this patient about books (she was thumbing through O mag while we were talking) and she happens to be very well read and *almost* (LOL) put me to shame! (now isn't that snobbish...elitist...ohhhh, someone like *her* could not possobly be more well read than *I*...mhmh) What a great Friday at clinical.

*The photo above is of Africans Americans at Spring Grove Hospital Center. When (if) you go the page to read about this place, look in the right hand column of topics and you'll find "African American Patients at Spring Grove." It's probably the first Psych hospital to accept free or enslaved African Americans.

Psych Mid-clinical Evaluation

2007-02-12T17:58:00.000-08:00

I have a Pathophysiology exam in a week, then my Pharmacology final, Biomed final, and Psych final all in the span of two days...a hellish Monday and Tuesday.

I've started reading 72 Hour Hold because it's over 300 pages and my paper is due in three weeks, but I want to turn it in in two weeks because there's a lot going on the week it's due...

Thursday I have to present a case report on my chosen psych patient...and do a skills check off to prove I haven't forgotten the skills I learned last semester - eventhough I have.

I never talk about my psych rotation...here's the patient I'm presenting this week...which should give you some clue to what I'm going through:

In a few weeks, the day before my birthday, she will turn 36. She has five children ranging in age from 5 months to 19 years. She has a history of marijuana, alcohol and cocaine cocaine abuse, starting at age 13. She does not have custody of any of her children, they all live with her grandmother. She has been hospitalized twice for post traumatic stress disorder, depression, and substance abuse. Her mother was addicted to cocaine when the patient was born...when she gave birth to the patient, she went outside the hospital on a smoke break and never returned, and later died of AIDS. The patient supports herself via prostitution. The patient has been raped and her perp is serving time in prison. She is on our unit for a "treatment seeking" substance abuse study - a cocaine stress test. Because she is treatment seeking, they are not allowed to inject pharmaceutical grade cocaine into her veins, which makes my heart happy because there are others who are NOT "treatment-seeking" and therefore their version of the stress test is to have pharmaceutical cocaine injected intravenously to study the effects of the drug. But her study is a little different: when she came on the unit, she told (and they recorded) her worst experiences with using cocaine...now (for the study) she listens (via headphones) to these stories and they record her body movements, affect, etc.

This is why I chose her to present on:

When the patients are given a mental exam, they are asked to write a sentence. She wrote, "I am sombody productive in society." Her answer to the question "Why did you come here today?" was "I don't know who I am. I just want to know who I am." One moment in time when she was happy? "Journalism class in high school. I want to be a writer." And guess what? She can write. I also chose her because no one else is interested. Because I have been standing up for her and her experiences since I got there, because no one else will.

I had my psych mid-clinical evaluation last week. My preceptor said (after you are so wonderful, brilliant, yada yada yada) "I always give students something to improve on. I don't know what it is, but you've got it. I want to tell you that you can't take this stuff home with you, that you can't feel it the way you do because it's not healthy for you. I don't know if you can turn it off. Your heart is big. You shouldn't take all of this in. I don't know what makes you do it..." I know how it sounds cheezy, but I promise it's true.

I wanted to ask if it was really that hard to understand. All of these black patients. No black practitioners. No practitioners who come from the very environments that they criticize on a daily basis. No understanding of how much work it takes to coordinate section 8, food stamps, and utility assistance. No idea what is to stand outside in below zero windchills waiting on a public bus to come to get to those appointments. No understanding of what is to be a black girl in room full of entitled professional white people talking trash about black people and their lives...as if I'm invisible...or maybe they just don't give a damn that I'm sitting there...or maybe I've reached that "different kind of black person" status.

She's right, I'm taking it in - isn't that what we're supposed to do? Or was this supposed to be a game? A way to say "I've served the poor, the disadvantaged. See, I care." She's right, I take it home with me and digest it to the best of my ability because until I take it home and digest it - make some sense of it, I can't move on. I can't not feel it. I can't turn it off, believe me I've tried for so long.

"I don't know what makes you do it."

My heart is big. My heart is big. My heart is big.

2007-02-08T17:43:00.000-08:00

I had this long post typed out just now and it crashed. Man.

I had this strange experience where I missed my own blog. Meaning, I sat down to read my blog...as in "I haven't read so-n-so's blog in a while, let me see if she has a new post" like it isn't my own blog...it was strange.

Anyway, I guess I am sitting here to write (rewrite) the post I wanted to read...

I didn't make the things to do before I die list yet, but I did visit a new place on campus! I went to a pregnancy photography talk that was about how society has shaped the images of pregnant women we see (or don't see) and about the evolution of the photographing of pregnant bellies. It was great.

Per one of my goals, I took note of some meaningful things I did over the week, including talk to a girl in my class about health disparities until 1am one night, and unofficially submitting a praxis idea to an advisor after waking up at 4 am one morning with it on my mind.

I also took note of watching the superbowl, which turned out to be so much more emotional than I thought it would be...it was the commercial that did it! I realized that when I'm old and some youngins are talking about the year when two black men went to the superbowl as coaches, I would be able to say "I remember that."

The brown people have officially decided to get together *regularly* (finally) for something one of us coined Brown Folks Brown Bag...I guess we're going to be meeting over lunch. I can't wait.

And then there's this:

I’M GOING HOME!

A New Month, A New Outlook

2007-02-01T14:01:00.000-08:00

January flew by. One of the things I realize is that I missed it! One of my goals for the year was to be in the moment more often, which for me starts with being in the month, instead of constantly thinking about the 1/5/10 year projection of my life. It is so easy to live lecture to lecture, test to test in nursing school. In a way, that is living day to day, in the moment, but it is also a very narrow view because school is always the focus. Some would say, "but oh that is the life of the student" but what I realize is that my life in general has been a bit heavy on the waiting...when was an undergrad, I couldn't wait to finish and get the hell away from that institution, now I can't wait to be done with this RN-heavy year of my grad program and get on to things I'm actually interested in, and as I looked at my pitiful W2, I can't wait to finish all this education and actually get a job...I am not a career student (contrary to what my family probably thinks!) My point is that I spend a lot of my life "waiting" for it to really start, instead of being grounded in the reality that it has very much started in the here and now, and as I wait for it, it is passing me by. That's so cliche. I've read the million emails that tell you to live each day like it's your last, but I just don't have the guts I guess. But what I can do is write down more than just my work/school/clinical/social schedule in my planner. I can write down a goal for the week and a confirmation that I successfully achieved it. I can write down something out of the ordinary that I did that day before I go to bed. The whole idea is to be able to look back on the month and feel like I did something other than take 3 exams, work 50 hours, log 65+ hours of clinical, or meet a classmate to study. Maybe if I have a written record that I've helped my brother with his math homework, or me and my husband went to dinner, or I read a book in a beautiful library for two hours, or I went to a coffee house and journaled about my life on Maple Street, I would be less likely to feel like my whole life is passing me by while I'm in this program...

My goal for next week is to make a list of 25 things I want to do before I die, and to visit a new place on campus.

Psych Clinical

2007-01-28T09:51:00.000-08:00

I realize I haven't said much about my psych rotation. Last night I talked to my friend and I realized that this is because I don't have the language for what is happening on the unit at this facility. In my "Psych Clinical Orientation" post (just look down a few posts) I talked about how glad I was that the unit is a voluntary research unit. I am still glad to be on the unit because 1)I think it's better than the alternative, which would be inpatient involuntary, which isn't really my speed, and 2)Because I think I needed to see what I'm seeing...even though I don't quite know why.

What I am seeing is a disproportionate number of black people involved in clinical trials for drugs that both have and have not been tested before, including pharmaceutical-grade cocaine (which is a drug that "has" been tested, vs drugs that are not yet FDA approved), and patients in experimental treatments that involve brain manipulation and a form of electric shock therapy. YES, there is "informed consent" on the unit - meaning the patients signed that they agree to participate. But repeatedly I am hearing from patients that they really didn't understand what they were signing (and the staff/researchers on the unit consider this to be a delusional moment related to their illness, ie: they understood, but they just don't remember that they understood!) Now, I am questioning exactly what informed consent really means...especially when someone is going through withdrawal or has an 8th grade level of education...according to Wikipedia, "The individual needs to be in possession of all of his faculties, such as not being mentally retarded or mentally ill and without an impairment of judgment at the time of consenting. Such impairments might include illness, intoxication, drunkenness, using drugs, insufficient sleep, and other health problems." A lot of what I see is troubling...

My friend asked me something about processing it all or coping or something (I don't remember what the exact question was) but now I'm thinking about it...

I know what I feel and why I feel it, but I have yet been able to articulate it, meaning I don't have the academic language for the problem that I am seeing. I have put up my reading list for 2007 and includes the book "Medical Apartheid: The Dark History of Medical Experimentation on Black Americans from Colonial Times to the Present." I think this book will help give me the language and a way to process this BS in a way that allows me to recover mentally and spiritually from what I am witnessing, especially in the absence of some much needed ongoing conversation about it.

In the mean time, when talking to my husband about my theory of not having the academic language to express my psych experience, he, with his knack for bringing me back to reality, asked me "why do you have to explain it in academic language, what's wrong with regular ol' language?!" I laughed so hard! But it's true. What's wrong the way I've been explaining it to him? Or the way I (half) explained to it to my friend? Really there's nothing wrong with it...and if I could get away with it - using an unimaginable number expletives (as I do with him) and my animated way of talking fast in half sentences, all breathless and sometimes hopeless (as I do with my friends)- the truth is, I would. But that just doesn't cut it in the classroom. After all, their is that pesky double consciousness to deal with; I rarely speak in class unless I have completely formulated the thought and have the appropriate (ie, acceptable) language to present my comment. Fair? NO. Necessary? ABSOLUTELY.

So, I am going to dive into "Medical Apartheid" slowly, and I hope that the history presented is accurate and that the language of the author gives me a way to voice what I'm feeling and recover from the trauma caused to my psyche from this rotation.

Papaya Uteri, Race & Media Invasion

2007-01-25T16:59:00.000-08:00

A great workshop was ruined by the media. It started very slowly, as people introduced themselves (mostly medicine and nursing - all grad level) the occasional undergrad would introduce him or herself and they would be journalism or political science majors. At first we were glad to have the diversity; I think these folks belong at the abortion discussion table. But then their questions and incessant scribbling started the buzz, and when we began to actually do the hands-on portion of the workshop, the cameras came flying out - including video cameras! I did get to practice once, but this pretty much ended the workshop for me. I can't stand to have strangers taking my picture without my permission, and I definitely do not consent to being videotaped by someone with their own video camera.

And, I've reached my limit with the university, in general, trying to sneak pictures of me and my friends for their diversity campaigns! Did I mention this in another post? I can't remember, but at any rate it's happened quite a few times. I really do leave as soon as people bring the cameras out - especially as the number of instances that make me feel like I'm an impostor on this campus increase...Did I mention the case of mistaken identity that happened a few weeks ago? Well, while at the nursing school - in my school sweatshirt - with my school ID hanging around my neck - with my bookbag on my back - leaving the computer lab...I was somehow mistaken for a member of the cleaning crew. Yep, for real. There was some internal struggle as I wanted to correct this person without giving the impression that I don't respect the cleaning crew or other "blue collar" workers, especially since on some days it is their faces, their smiles and laughter, and their speaking to me that makes my day. But at the same time I want people to have to face their issue about me being here to study just like Suzy...

And yet another incident just yesterday: I went to one of many libraries on campus that has like a million very important, one of a kind texts that are under heavy security and for the use of students and faculty only. I walked into this library (for the first time) and asked about the current exhibit (which is open to the public) and also about seeing, touching, admiring the first edition Morrison's The Bluest Eye. This man looked me in my face and said that although I could walk around and look at the exhibit, it would be "impossible" for me to see the text or enter the research basement because that area was for "scholars only." I said to myself, "THAT is what it felt like to hear "Whites Only." I was taken aback, yet again. (It surprises me when I am surprised because one would think I'd get used to it) I said to him "Oh, and I am not a scholar?" He backtracked quickly of course, but "And aren't I a woman?" replayed in my head a million times.

When is it going to end? Or when will I be blind, mute, and deaf to it? Curse you - thou who held my hand and walked me into knowing awakefulness...Geesh, I didn't ask for it! By the way, how do I turn it off? LOL

No Providers, No Choice

2007-01-19T14:03:00.000-08:00

I saw a bumper sticker Wednesday that said "No Provider, No Choice." It came right on the heels of a conversation with my good friend N where I said I find conflict with being pro-choice and not willing to be a practitioner who provides abortions. I do not mean that I think every practitioner who is pro choice should have to perform abortions, but that I, personally, find it hard to claim that I am pro choice if I am not willing to be the one to provide/perform the abortion. We also talked about whether I would perform an abortion all the way through the law's determination of how far along a woman can be and still have access, or if I would have my own moral "number line" that I would not be willing to cross. It turns out that I also have a problem with determining what the number should be...meaning that if 16 weeks is what is determined to be the latest an abortion is available, that would probably be my cut off as well. Then we talked about safety of providers and about being stuck doing abortions forever once you start because there will be so few providers.

I will be going to a workshop next week to learn how to perform a Manual Vacuum Aspiration (MVA) The workshop will provide a hands-on learning opportunity using papayas as the uterine model.

Here is a link to statistics about abortion providers in the US.

I also recently watched the movie "The Cider House Rules" which deals with this issue, and it was great! This is an older movie that a lot of people have already seen, but I had somehow missed it.

I never really thought about whether or not I would be an abortion provider because it's not something that CNMs typically do. In most states, 44 to be exact, only physicians can provide abortions. However, if I end up in one of the 6 states where midwives are the providers, or as the law expands or changes, I will be a provider, and I know that scares some people. For a quick history of the role of CNMs in abortion, click here.

New Applicants

2007-01-19T13:02:00.000-08:00

New applicants to the nursing program started interviewing yesterday. Wednesday night me, M, and U, took the student M was hosting out to happy hour and gave her the low down because she had to leave the next day right after her interview and so she wasn't going to be able to go to a potluck. Then, Thursday (after my 7:30am - 4 pm clinical) I participated in the diversity session for applicants from 4-5:15 (which only had only one racial minority at it!) and then went to the potluck for new applicants at 5:30 and talked till 8. My voice hurt, my feet hurt, and I was exhausted. But I really do believe that people should know the truth about whatever program they apply to. This school is not a good fit for everybody and, just like every other institution, there are things that they claim they do, that they don't - and those are the things I want people to be aware of.

The diversity session was irritating at first because staff and faculty were present and wanted to (of course) present the school as a diverse and welcoming institution. I have no problem with this, but I do believe that the numbers should be mentioned! And I think "diversity" should be explained further, as in..."we're referring to diversity of sexual orientation rather than race." And think you can say, "our racial diversity this past year was X%, and although that's not necessarily a high percentage, it's more than last year's Y%" Those are the kinds of things I would say if I were from the diversity committee! But anyway, after they left, we had a real conversation about what the school really offers/doesn't offer and how it does or does not affect students. Basically, there is a committee, and so far I have known of one event they hosted (and it was a good event) but not much else. We also talked about the lack of conversation about diversity in the classroom and it's absence from the first-year curriculum all together. I think the student's got much more out of it after the faculty and staff left, and I think it was even more helpful because the three different students had very different experiences at the school.

I made a point of hugging and talking to the 2 black women applicants at the potluck. I don't think it was something many people noticed (I simply hugged them and said "special welcome, nice to see you" in their ear while I did it) and they were grateful. There were two other current students who are black women there, but one did not speak and the other did, but passes so it was lost on them. The first one said "I'm glad you came over" and the other said "it's nice to be seen." One of my friends who did see it all questioned me about it. At the time I just said "because" and smiled. I didn't feel like explaining. But now I do:

I don't think people get how isolated one can feel, even in a room full of people. You're standing there with your gold and tattoos, in urban hip hop wear, with a body frame that takes up a different kind of space than anyone else (woman number 1) or you have a great big afro with hoop earrings and are openly lesbian (woman 2) and you're nervous as hell. You gotta get over so many extra anxieties before the interview even starts! No matter how confident you were before you got off the plane and arrived at the school for your interview, when you step into the room this sea of whiteness blinds you until you see at least one person who looks like you, and when you find her you only hope she's as happy to see you as you are to see her! I recognized it in our new applicants, and I was proud to see that they found each other.

I'm so happy that I decided to go, despite my exhaustion.

Post -It Note

2007-01-17T11:53:00.000-08:00

Today is one of those days where I actually finished every single thing on my Post-It Note, and it feels so good. When I looked at the list, I realized that it is also a good mini-glimpse of an ordinary off-day of a nursing student:

Study Lecture 3 of Psych, before 10 am!
Study Pharm Anti-Infectives, before lunch!
Turn in work forms to Human Resources
Get final Hep B shot and take release form back to school
Reply to the dean's email
RSVP for tomorrow's potluck with new applicants
Fax forms to social services office
Mail letter to my mother

Now I'm work.

Psych Clinical Orientation

2007-01-13T22:28:00.000-08:00

I oriented to my new Psych clinical rotation on Friday. I wondered why my clinical group only had 3 people in it, including myself. (That's less than half the normal size of a group) Turns out my placement is on a very small unit - only about 8 patients - inpatient, locked unit. The patients have severe OCD, Schizophrenia, and substance addictions. The best thing about our unit is that it's a research unit, which means that the patients are inpatient voluntarily and that they get paid to participate. The worst is that facility is state funded, which we all know means that they're broke. The facilty has inpatient, outpatient, and walk-up services.

I was the first one there for the orientation and had to sit in the lobby by myself for 30 minutes because everyone else was late. It was...interesting. Many, many black folks, and consequently many, many young men trying to "get to know me." I met two black men who rapped out loud to themselves the whole time. They weren't paying any attention to me, but I was listening to them. I have always been fascinated by what I presume to be a very thin line between psychosis and sanity. Everything they said made sense, and that was my worse fear for this rotation. What does it mean if psychotic people make perfectly good sense to me? There was a lot of conspiracy theory in their rhymes, but I believe in a few so-called conspiracy theories myself. I'm not saying that I can't recognize the difference between me, a non-psychotic person, and them. However, I think we have gravely underestimated the psychological trauma related to racism in this country and so I can't help but wonder how many of these people used to be just fine (or borderline, like we all are) and then they just snapped under the reality of this life?

Our professor gave an example of an African American married man who had to work two full time jobs to make ends meet for his family; one day he woke up and decided that he just couldn't do it anymore and he went into a severely depressive & suicidal state and had to be instituionalized. I must say I CAN imagine. The goal is to get the person to remove their stressor, to put things into perspective, to change. How do you tell someone not to work as much? Are you going to supplement his income? How does a person without very many marketable skills find a job that pays so well that he will be able to work one job? If he could find it, wouldn't he already have it? Who chooses to work two full time jobs for their entire life? The point is, what if the event that leads to psychosis is just life. What if you are being crushed under the weight of a circumstance that isn't going to change?

There were many other examples, and a good friend of mine asked about the intersection of race and mental health. (We're getting much better at taking turns!) The professor referred anyone who was interested to the works of another person. Now, I am all for providing students with the resources that allow them to investigate something for themselves, but why is it that the impact of race on the psyche is not also a topic that up for discussion in the classroom? If we aren't going to discuss it, then what is the relevance of including the race of the person in the case study examples? And I find it wholly inappropriate to spout statistics that help to set up the minority/unhealthy vs. non-minority/healthy/normal dichotomy without dicussing race at all.

I realize I'm ranting at 2 am Eastern and no one's listening. But the other day I realized that I pay over $1,000 PER WEEK to this place! I refuse to pay AND be invisible. We are reading a novel for this course in order to write a paper on mental health. We write all about the character's mental disease, so it's stuff like The Bell Jar (Plath)(deals with depression) and She's Come Undone (Lamb)(deals with Obesity, PTSD, and depression). I submitted a proposal to read a novel by a black woman because I have reached the point where I refuse to pay and not get what I want. I learned this from my colleagues. These people are vicious climbers, demanders of what they came for - and the only way to not fall victim to getting what's left over because they didn't want it, is to be right there fighting for what you want. It's the game in every sense of the word. I chose 72 Hour Hold by Bebe Moore Campbell (Bipolar mania). What does this have to do with the whole "grad school is a game" theory? It occured to me that the only reason they get what they want is because they have the audacity to demand it.

New Job

2007-01-12T04:50:00.000-08:00

Um yeah, ok. I said a friend had a great post up about midwives and fear, and then didn't give you the link! Well it is from Bellytales: Student Midwife, and you can see it here. She really is an excellent writer.

In other news, I got the library job, and I start Tuesday. My main requirement when searching for a job was that I be able to do my homework while at work. The library is perfect for that.

I have a Psych clinical site orientation today, then a trip to human resources to fill out some paperwork, then Student Health for my last Hep B shot, and finally to the library to study for my Pharm exam this upcoming Tuesday. I'm not ready for Pharm, it's been 4 weeks since I looked at a page of Pharm notes. I have a lot of memorizing to do.

Apparently school is in full swing.

Semester 2, Spring 2007

2007-01-10T16:13:00.000-08:00

Man I didn't want to come back. My body still isn't used to getting up at 6:15. My mind is still racing at 2 am as I lay in bed trying to fall asleep.

MedSurg ended as you all know, and it has been replaced by Psych on the calender. I have class on Mondays and Tuesdays from 8am to 3pm, and clinical rotations for 8 hours on Thursdays and Fridays.

8 friggin AM: PHARM
10 (Mondays only) BIOMED
(Tuesdays only) PATHOPHYSIOLOGY
1 PM: PSYCH

I have a job interview tomorrow to work at a university library for a few hours a week. Work study at the school isn't very good because it's only 4 hours a week and those 4 hours are so hard to schedule with faculty that it's frustrating. I'm looking for a straight forward schedule of 10-15 hours a week. I don't want to work because I don't think it will be good for me in this program, but what other option do I have? I need money and I need it now. <>

A friend has an interesting post up about the fear of the practitioner (specifically midwives) that is really excellent, check it out.

On a positive note, I read an entire collection of Aaron McGruder's The Boondocks last week, and revisted it this week, and it was PHENOMENAL. I laughed so hard my stomach hurt! And then I watched a Katt Williams stand up special from HBO and again, laughed so hard I cried. His Michael Jackson commentary was on point and brutally honest and funny! Evenif you don't usually like our self-degrading style of black comedy (sometimes it does hurt my heart) I think you'll enjoy Katt's special. And if you are one of those black folks who read, please check out any collection of the Boondocks, it has really cheered me up recently!

Never Drank the Kool-Aid

2007-01-08T06:46:00.000-08:00

Finally.

I really enjoyed this collection, which is not suprising because I enjoyed his first collection (short stories) when it came out, too. Never Drank the Kool-Aid is a collection of essays written by Toure. Most of the essays were previously published in magazines like Rolling Stones, The Village Voice, or The New Yorker. Most are interviews with hip hop artists, a few are sports figures and one or two are personal essays.

First, the introduction is a great because 1)It's in list form, and I love lists and 2)It includes a brief, brief history of hip hop section (I'm talking less than one page!) which really summarizes it well! The grouping of essays falls under such headings as "Sensitive Thugs" (including Eminem), "Big Willies" (including Russell Simmons) and "Get Up, Get Out and Get Involved" (including JayZ and Kanye) and many others, 12 sections in all.

Since I'm a nursing student in every sense of the word, I don't have time to give the most in depth review. Therefore, I'm giving you the best three things about the collection, and the one thing I hated:

Top 3:

#3. In the "Big Willies" section, the essay "Ships Passing in the Night" (Barak Obama and Colin Powell) printed in Suede. I love it - not just because it's a good essay (it's a basic 4 page overview of how either man could be the first black president) but because it's political commentary in the middle of a collection of black hip hop stars. It's one of those moments when we showcase that "yes we can drop it like it's hot" but we also care who's in office, who might be in office, and who we might not want in office - even if he is a black man. The last paragraph is the best, go read it.

#2. "Jay-Z Has Got Guts" printed in Rolling Stone because I am a Jay-Z fan, as is my husband, and this piece allowed me to be more than a fan. With most rappers, I like what they have to say (Kanye), or I respect the lyricism (Luda and Em), or their struggle (Pac). With Jay-Z I respected the history. The number of albums he has produced is amazing, and I loved him more as he started to get his grown and sexy on with Beyonce (who is also interviewed). He also spoke about giving back and an internal conflict related to giving back that I could relate to (you'll have to read it!) I liked the piece because he lived up to my expectations. Who I imagined him to be is who he is, and that's always great. Then I read this : "In the sixth grade, a test showed he was reading at a twelfth grade level." And he addressed that with this: "I always liked to read. I still do." I fell in love.

And #1. (hands down) A section ("Microphone Fiend") that has only one essay...Crack is Responsible for Hip Hop (this was an an interview with ?uestlove) I don't know why, but this one just got me. Maybe the title. Maybe the little moment of intellectual orgasm I got out of the political + musical commentary, I don't know why, but I loved it most. A lot of the essay was also about D'Angelo. I *so* enjoyed this essay.

Until the last page, when the thing I most disliked about the collection really messed me up:

Question to ?uestlove: "Is there any female MC that you'd F***?"

And *THAT* is what I emailed him about. The only female MC in the collection is Lauryn Hill, so I was really disappointed that he would ask this - especially in the absence of any interviews with Lil Kim, Foxy, Rah Digga, Da Brat, etc. And it just really messed me up because it didn't flow, it was so abrupt! I emailed him about it (kept it light and funny), and he emailed me back immediately (cool points for that, and for being equally personable) and said that he was "sorry it offended" and admitted that it might be "juvenile" but he still thought it was "interesting" and "reasonable."

So there's my little review. (Honorable mentions for the Eminem interview, the Mary J Blige letters, and the Love Your Niggas essay) It's all good, go read it.

Next book review will be "Sister Outsider" by Audre Lorde, but it won't be until this weekend...school has offically started.

One Year...10 Posts

2006-12-30T18:24:00.000-08:00

I know my review of Toure's Never Drank the Kool-Aid was supposed to be next, but I have to say something else first. (But YES, he did respond to my email...more later, I promise)

It just occured to me that I started my blog one year ago this month, so I didn't want the month to end without talking about my 1-year bloggin milestone...

I started this blog in the hopes that other nursing school hopefuls, especially those who might not otherwise have anyone to ask for advice, would be able to gain some insight into what it is like to apply to and attend nursing school, especially graduate level nursing school. I also wanted to share my experiences in an accelerated "direct entry" nursing program, which is different than a traditional nursing program - mainly in that you can have an undergrad degree in anything (mine is in English-Writing and Linguistics) and get both an RN and MSN in one bridge-type program.

I am suprised by how much more I ended up writing about. I am also suprised by how personal my blog has gotten, despite the fact that it is still not "very" personal! There are some things about my blog that I am proud of; mainly, I am proud of the truth that it represents. There are others that I look back and am somewhat disappointed with - such as the overall language of the blog, which I thought would be slightly more formal than it is. In the end, while I am not exactly happy with the language, I have come to accept it because I value non-academic and non "literary" tongue and I hope that this blog remains readable because of it.

Anyway, I perused my archives, and these are my top 10 posts of the year (they will pop up below this current post):

These posts because they exemplify the mission of this blog

Because of this post, I will never forget how it felt...

This post because it marked the end of a very long journey...

This rant because it tells the truth about who I am...

This one and this one, because they articulate what marriage means to me...

This is what nursing school is really like...

But also this one, because it equally tells the truth of nursing school...

And who could forget the day they asked me to leave the program...

And last but not least,this post, because it captures the very essence of my life.

I hope you all have enjoyed the blog this year, and I hope I have helped someone, anyone. I look forward to the growth next year brings, and your cyberspace visits!

Toure

2006-12-20T12:04:00.000-08:00

I'm going to talk about Toure's never drank the Kool-Aid next, but I am waiting on him to respond to an email I sent him about it...

More later!

Let the Lion Eat Straw

2006-12-20T11:08:00.000-08:00

This novel is by Ellease Southerland, now known as Ebele Oseye. I picked up this book because of one very simple description I saw online: "Mamma Habblesham, an elderly midwife, lovingly tends to Abeba, a sweet little 6-year-old whom she has raised since the girl was two months old." I should have kept reading the reviews/summaries. There are few novels that I have found that have midwives as real characters. I was disappointed (for all of two seconds) when I realized that this book doesn't either. We know that Mamma is a midwife, and that she's a good one, but that's it. In fact, Abeba's life with Mamma pretty much ends 15 pages into the novel. But I kept reading after that because the novel is beautiful. It's short, and therefore words have been chosen carefully, and I like that. But that's the least of it.

I loved the way Southerland portrayed the men in the novel. Abeba's father was not afraid to love his daughter. The boys on the stoop were respectful, genuinely kind, and very supportive of Abeba, all the while Abeba's mother pointed out that they were drunks and needed some Jesus in their life. Isn't that the way people really are? It seems so rare that people are either one thing or another, a sinner or the saved. I loved how a whole Brooklyn community of poor folks paid hard earned money to gather at the school to see the play that Abeba's mother wrote where black men were kings, and astrologers, and magicians (a revamped story of King Nebuchadnezzar and David)...a play that cost 50 cents for one person, but 25 cents for two.

And I loved Abeba's resiliency. Her husband turned out to be certifiably crazy, but she stood right by him. They had 15 children, all of whom where exceptionally smart and they built business and a home and a family with very little.

It really was very beautiful. There was some horror, but what life doesn't have any? Abeba was headed for great things (ie Julliard) but she gave it up for this life with children and a husband. And to me, that was some of the horror, but what I liked about it was that at the center of this novel was a relationship between mother and daughter, and when the daughter became a woman, she took responsibility for the life she chose and made decisions accordingly.

There's so much truth in this novel, so much revelancy now, almost 30 years later.

The Interruption of Everything

2006-12-20T10:21:00.000-08:00

I started with this novel by Terry McMillan because I had been waiting a very long time to read it. It wasn't the best one she's written, but I still enjoyed it. I have been a fan of Terry McMillan since Mama and Breaking the Ice. I remain committed to her works because I remember what reading Mama did for me; For the first time ever, I read a book and really recognized the characters. I read the whole novel in one day - a real accomplishment when you're 12 or so and it's 2 or 3 hundred pages long. It probably wasn't the first book by a black woman that I had ever read, but it's the first one I remember reading.

The Interruption of Everything is about a woman (Marilyn) entering perimenopause (thanks for talking about it) and her relationships with her family members, including her husband, children, mother and mother-in-law. She is intensely creative and has earned a creative degree, but had been mostly a stay at home mother and wife. The main plot has to do with belonging to the sandwich generation. She's just getting her kids off to college, but also taking care of her own parents. Her mother is sick, but is living with Marilyn's sister. Her mother-in-law is living with Marilyn and her husband, who is also going through a mid-life crisis. And, of course, what would a Terry McMillan novel be without girlfriends. She has two girlfriends that help her get through everything. And there's other drama that I won't get into so that I don't spoil it. The best thing about the book is the menopausal discussion.

It was entertaining enough to read in one day, but at the same time, I thought "I waited 4 years for a novel from McMillan...and this is it?"

Reading

2006-12-17T22:47:00.000-08:00

I read a book yesterday, a book today, and even started on the one for tomorrow...the plan is to read one every day - but no pressure...

I'll be talking about them soon...

Semester One is Finally Over

2006-12-17T22:11:00.000-08:00

The semester has ended. FINALLY. I basically slept (and read) from Thursday until now, with the exception of a trip to the grocery store yesterday to prepare for this hibernation I am about to go into.

Thursday was my final Med Surg exam. At one point, in the middle of test, I flipped the test over to calculate how many I could miss and still get the grade I wanted on the test. I didn't do it because I wanted to quit, but because I was feeling really overwhelmed by it all (hardest friggin test I've ever had in this class) and I needed some perspective...For example, I only needed a 60 on this final exam to pass the class...and even if I had of gotten a 90 my grade would still have been only a "Pass," (one of the things I hate about "Pass/Fail" system) then I figured I could miss something like 40 of the questions and still get what I needed...all of sudden the 14 questions I did not know the answer to didn't mean a damn thing and I kept moving.

Shortly after the Med Surg exam, and right at the end of a end-of-semester meeting with the program director, our professor came back in and made an announcement that although one person failed the exam, no one failed the class. We didn't lose one student this semester. It was a great feeling and the class, even if only for one moment, was unified and proud.

As tired as I was, I still took the Anatomy final afterwards (even though we had another 5 or 6 days to take it) because I wanted be done with all of this when I finally went home. I passed that, too, and that marked the end of the semester for me.

The semester didn't exactly end the way I wanted it to (I wanted High Passes), but it's over now and I can say I've learned something - a lot, actually. And despite the belief of some that we all have equal access to being successful here, I maintain my opinion that it is harder for some us than others. My view is not a popular view to have in an ivory tower because people are very uncomfortable with their privilege. But I know, because of how I feel right now, that it has been no small feat to come through this fiery first semester and although I might have suffered some smoke inhalation, I have not been burned...and I find that nothing short of miraculous.

(Almost) Unbelievable

2006-12-13T17:18:00.000-08:00

On Nove 3rd, an ARTICLE about a med error was printed in the Wisconsin State Journal:

Nursing and hospital officials were outraged Thursday after the state filed a felony charge against the nurse whose medication error caused the death of a teenager at St. Mary's Hospital in July.

It's the first time a health- care worker has been criminally charged for an unintentional error in Wisconsin, the officials said. They said the filing could make it more difficult to recruit and retain nurses, already in short supply...She mistakenly gave Gant an epidural anesthetic intravenously, a state investigation previously revealed. Gant was supposed to receive penicillin through the IV for a strep infection. An epidural is supposed to be injected near the spine to numb the pelvic area during birth

Wow. I began to think about how possible it would be for this kind of med error to happen- I was trying to go through the steps in my head, but further down, the article provided all the steps she had to take in order for this to happen:

Improperly removed the epidural bag from a locked storage system. Gant's physician, Dr. Joseph Fok, never ordered the epidural.

Didn't scan the bar code on the epidural bag, which would have told her it was the wrong drug.

Ignored a bright pink label on the bag that said in bold letters, "FOR EPIDURAL ADMINISTRATION ONLY."

Disregarded hospital and nursing rules in failing to confirm a patient's "five rights" when receiving drugs: right patient, right route, right dose, right time and right medication.

Of course that made me think, OK she really screwed up. But also, I was trying to imagine myself in her situation (which is always hard to do, because you never really can) and I thought about of all of the little things that happen during a shift-almost absentmindedly. I still don't know how she missed this...it seems so glaring, but who am I to say? Do I have any say, as a future nurse? IF I were called to testify, would I stand up for her, my fellow nurse? I was still torn...but then I read this statement from the nurse:

I allow priority for compassion to override the need for detail.

Notice the present tense "allow" not "allowed" as in past tense mistake, but present tense. I was no longer torn. Maybe it's me, but when I'm the patient, please spare me the compassion if it comes at the price of my life.

I hope you all read the article for yourself, but in the case that you don't, the 16 year old girl died from the injection. The nurse "if convicted, faces a $25,000 fine and up to three years in prison and three years of extended supervision.

Seriously? Supervision...as in she'd still be working as a nurse? I don't think that should be an option. What do you think?

The Last Week of Semester 1

2006-12-13T05:53:00.000-08:00

I have my final MedSurg exam tomorrow morning at 10 am and then an Anatomy final to take by Monday. My Final MedSurg exam covers respiratory, musculoskeletal, hepatic, endocrine, and EKG interpretation. Do I feel great about it? No. But I just want to get it over with.

Today we're having a breakfast in MedSurg and we're going to fill out a million observations. I'm so not in the mood, but I believe in the necessity of evaluations. We will also be evaluated on our clinicals that just ended (mine was in Oncology) Do I expect a great evaluation? No. But I do expect to pass. Honestly, my preceptor wasn't great...or even good, and I plan on discussing all of that on the evaluation - and I expect her to discuss my obvious boredom with 3/4 of the rotation!

Really, it's all about the fact that Med Surg is over (or will be tomorrow) and I will dedicate a whole post to how that makes me feel, but in one word:

FANFREAKINTASTIC.

“You’re Not Cut Out for Nursing School” Part 2

2006-12-10T10:39:00.000-08:00

Here’s what I did after that:

I went to speak with the associate dean (this was like 2 days after the letter, before I had rebuilt my reserve and confidence). She was very supportive, and this is the benefit of having a conscious person of color in administration; They take up the battle for you, and you get to go back to concentrating on yourself. You don’t have to explain all the psychological damage, they already get it…they’ve been through it. You don’t have to convince them that you aren’t crazy – which helps because when something like this happens you really do feel like you’re losing it, and if you’re the kind of person who takes your life seriously (and thinks about it critically) you start to think you might be crazy and you’d have a hard time convincing someone else that you aren’t! She met with me and then met with him to discuss the situation on my behalf…and then encouraged me to meet with him myself later. She also made it concretely clear that I wasn’t leaving the program. But, honestly, I didn’t believe her.

Then, I gathered up all my friends, mostly students of color who I’ve built a very solid community with, and a few others, and explained what was going on. (The associate dean was very concerned about the whole “everyone one is struggling alone” thing) Another student in this little community had also had the same experience, and so there was comfort in that. And basically, they rallied around us and gave an immeasurable amount of support. I can hardly explain it, but it was the difference between trying to push against a closed door by yourself, versus having 5 other people pushing against it with you, if that makes sense. So we discussed a few strategies, made the commitment to check in on each other over the Thanksgiving holiday, and to come back with more ideas on how we could help the two of us get the scores we needed to pass the class and stay in the program. For one of the very first times in my life, here was a group of young black people who really felt like if one of us failed, we all failed, and failure was not an option. Not to be mushy, but I think this is what love looks like when it is separated from romance.

So, I went on break and I spent an enormous amount of time confronting my issues (because no one can make you feel inferior without your consent), rebuilding my confidence (because it was gone), and reassessing and recommitting to my purpose (because it’s the only way to survive this experience, I think). This involved journaling, reading my writing, including my admissions essays, and goal updating/refining. It was hard work, and, honestly, it left me exhausted, which is one of the reasons why I hope I don’t have to do it again soon.

Then I came back to school (somewhat renewed, but still a little worried, obviously) and, as promised, my friends’ suggestions started pouring in. I received a total of 36 emails in a weeks time, all concerning Biomed. I studied with different people, I was quizzed by different people, and I took the advice of every person seriously. Then I met with the professor and analyzed my last two tests. I told him my concerns and cornered him about the material a million times (Like: “Why is this the answer instead of this, when these two things are exactly the same?” or “You said to study these objectives, but the answers to the practice questions you posted do not come from these objectives, where do they come from?”) Then I took the test…early…in a room by myself, and I asked him questions during the exam, which I had never done before (thanks for that advice, K) and found that it is absolutely necessary to do so in order to get the grade you deserve. I think this is very, very problematic, but that’s for another post, another day. What matters in this moment, for this post, is this:

I needed a 77, but I got a 90.

Don’t put me in a box, don’t underestimate me, and don’t think you know me. I am serious about this thing I’m doing, and I don’t intend to change my goals based on your limited knowledge of who you think I am or what you think I can achieve. And what’s even better, my friends refuse to look up one day only to realize that one of us didn’t make it – and I am learning that of all the things that went right with this experience, that one has had the greatest impact.

"You're Not Cut Out for Nursing School" Part 1

2006-12-08T08:28:00.000-08:00

So, here’s what happened:

Three weeks ago, on Wednesday November 15th (the day I wrote the “Creative Writing” post) also the day before my big Med Surg exam, my Biomed professor emailed me a letter suggesting that I withdraw from the program, take an A&P class, and try again next year. Or, if I wanted to, I could continue in the class. Hello??!! If I want to?!? Seriously.

It took me a minute to actually realize it was happening. He sent it to me so casually. The first thing I said aloud (in the library, sitting next to a friend) was “and you’re emailing this to me?!” Almost on cue, I received another email from him that said the hard copy would be in my mailbox, and good luck with my Med Surg exam. I’m thinking, ok so you did in fact know that I had a huge exam the next day…did you not think this would negatively impact my ability to concentrate on that…or did you simply not care…or are you angry because people like her class better than yours? But whatever, in that moment I decided not to go to my creative writing thing (in my opinion, electives are not an option if you aren’t passing the fundamentals) and had to relinquish my spot to someone else. I really wanted to participate in that workshop but, again, whatever.

This is why I was so angry:

1. I went to him after I failed the first exam, and he brushed me off, and told me “don’t worry about it, a lot of people failed it – go talk to the TA.” Ok, so, I tried not to worry about it, and went and talked to the TA like he told me to. That was disastrous. She told me that the reason I wasn’t doing well in his class was probably because I had an “attitude” toward him. Right then and there, I was done with her silly self. Whether he is good professor or not (he’s not) and whether I like him or not, I came to you to get assistance with the course, so how about you help me with the material, instead of critiquing what you think my attitude toward him is or should be. And, her advice was terrible. I did what she suggested because I thought, ok-maybe she knows something I don’t since she passed the class last year. The result of that faulty study technique was that I failed the second exam with a score even lower than I failed the first. Needless to say, meeting with her is no longer an option for me.

2. He did not EVER meet with me before he sent out the letter. I think the least he could have done was to meet with me and voice his concerns, and maybe even give me a head’s up that the letter was coming. It seems to me that there is just a way to do things, and that wasn’t it. Especially since the letter was also forwarded/cc’d to all the deans, too. How unprofessional.

3. Wouldn’t it have made sense to actually look at my file before suggesting that I take a year off to take A&P when I already took a year of A&P and am currently in the university’s A&P course? No, sir, taking yet another year of A&P is not going to help me. The letter also gave some suggestions for how I might be able to improve my grade if I was going to remain in the class. Again, these suggestions were uninformed. 5 of the 7 were things I was already doing! (ie: come to class, tape the lectures, meet with the TA) The last two things had to do with test taking (take the test in a room by myself, and I could have longer to take the exam). The exam is forty questions long and we already have 2 hours…time was never an issue. These were all things that could have been discussed, had he been willing to meet with me.

And lastly (and most importantly)…Who the hell are you to suggest I leave the program before I have even failed the class? What makes you think that I can not pull myself out of a hole, especially when all I need is 77 on the exam? How can you possibly say (and write down) that you don’t think it is possible for me to get the 77 I need - you don’t know me, or anything about me.

You might think you know but, clearly, you have no friggin’ idea.

It took me weeks of processing to understand it totally, even though I had H in my ear telling it to me all along (thanks H) but I finally organized it in my brain, and hopefully I won’t have to relearn/reconvince myself after this, because honestly it takes too much time. But basically, it came down to this:

When or if I leave this place it will be because I say so, and for no other reason. I will not be intimidated or otherwise coerced into defeat by him or any other person who is not wise enough to recognize my committment to my purpose in this world.

A Week Later...

2006-12-05T07:27:00.000-08:00

Things are quiet around here as I prepare for Biomed Exam 3 which happens on Thursday.

The Reason I Write

2006-11-28T18:37:00.000-08:00

I sat with the last quote for a long time, and it felt good, but then I went back to find my own encouraging words that are located in several haphazard places because I do not have a file system for my own writings (I think I am afraid someone will stumble across them) and I found this:

"I swear, people will make you feel like you're crazy if you let them. There aint nuthin wrong with me. I know exactly what I want, and I am not going to be bothered by the fact that it exceeds what you happened to have imagined for me. You should've dreamed bigger."

~ Myself

It came from this post on June 27th, 2006.

How appropriate the profound truth I uttered that day.

I found many more, including this one from my "Shoot for the Moon" journal:

"I remember the way the stars aligned to get me here. The universe wants this for me, even when I am not strong enough to want it for myself."

It occurred to me that this is one of the reasons I write; I need to be able to look back and say "I know something about the world and, more importantly, I know something about myself." This way, when someone tells me something about myself that is not true, I am able to find my own truth in my own words when I need it most desperately.

2006-11-21T09:36:00.000-08:00

Every day we slaughter our finest impulses. That is why we get a heart-ache when we read those lines written by the hand of a master and recognize them as our own, as the tender shoots which we stifled because we lacked the faith to believe in our own powers, our own criterion of truth and beauty. Every man, when he gets quiet, when he becomes desperately honest with himself, is capable of uttering profound truths. We all derive from the same source. There is no mystery about the origin of things. We are all part of creation, all kings, all poets, all musicians; we have only to open up, to discover what is already there.

~Henry Miller, Sexus

2006-11-19T11:58:00.000-08:00

Whatever you do, you need courage. Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe your critics are right.

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

2006-11-17T08:01:00.000-08:00

Fight one more round. When your arms are so tired that you can hardly lift your hands to come on guard, fight one more round. When your nose is bleeding and your eyes are black and you are so tired that you wish your opponent would crack you one on the jaw and put you to sleep, fight one more round - remembering that the man who always fights one more round is never whipped.

James Corbett

Talking to Myself

2006-11-15T13:32:00.000-08:00

When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.

~Franklin D. Roosevelt

Creative Writing

2006-11-15T08:47:00.000-08:00

I was selected to participate in a creative writing program on campus. It's a writer's workshop of sorts. The first meeting is today. Of course, tomorrow is my med surg exam, so I am not feeling like taking the break out of my day to do this. I am going to go though because I need to be able to think/write/talk about something other than nursing, and I need a break from studying. I read through some of my old writing to find something to take to workshop (no time to write anything new) and was so disappointed that I haven't been able to write much in the last few months. Reading my own writing made me remember that I *am* good at something, even if it isn't Biomed. It takes a huge mental and emotional shift to learn the material I'm learning, especially since most things I had to do as an English major came so naturally to me.

Me and my friend (M) also had a revelation: Just because we can't do happy hour on Fridays anymore, that doesn't mean happy hour is a bust...we'll just go on Wednesdays! So I'm also going to be taking a break to drink $2 margaritas from heaven and eat free burritos, cheap wings, and tasty spinach artichole dip.

Then I'll pull a semi all-nighter studying for med surg Test 3, aka "the test from hell!"

Yet Again

2006-11-14T10:05:00.000-08:00

It's just not even funny. LOL I did worse this time than I did the first time, although I knew the information better. This is why that meeting with the dean was so necesssary. I swear, this is crazy. I just shot the professor an email, asking what he'd like me to do. The first time I did this, he told me not to worry about it, a lot of people failed it. He recommended I have a session with the TA, which I did. I followed every bit of her advice. I wonder what he will say this time...

Look at Those Errors!

2006-11-14T07:54:00.000-08:00

I just read over my last post and was amazed at the number of errors there are! LOL I would normally edit the post, but not today. Back to Med Surg...oh and I passed the Pharm exam, now I'm waiting on Biomed...

Meeting with the Dean

2006-11-13T14:01:00.000-08:00

Apparently some students in our class requested a class-wide meeting with the dean. We had the meeting this morning, and people got to air out all their frustrations. It was quite weird actually. Very different from my undergrad institution, probably because people can preface their comments with "I pay too much money to..." which really gives a student some power I guess. It was weird because our dean is new, this is first year on the job. She is supposedly suprised by how some classes are being handled as well, so she was in agreement with much of what was being said. Accept when it came to my comment! LOL I don't know what it is. It will be interesting to see how many changes she is actually able to implement, and ow many things somebody "sets her straight" on since she is new to the school, and maybe new to the type of institutional culture at the school. The insitutional culture definitely has an impact on how things are done, and sometimes I think some things will never change just because it is the way they have been done for, oh, about a century? LOL

The main comments were that Biomed, taught by a scientist, needs a major overhaul. (I agree, its terrible) A guy in our class said "I spent 18+ solid hurs studying for this exam, and i still didn't do well." What he forgot to mentioned was that he has a master's degree in a science field already, which would have lent more credit to his comment about the insaness of the course! BTW, we don't have our scores back yet, so I don't know how I did, other than to say I didn't know the answer to half of the questions! Pharm, taught by a pharmacist, has too many guest lecturers. The idea is that for every given topic a specialist in that field should teach the course. It the university's policy to have students "learn from the best there is." Well, ok. But sometimes we also have gest lecturers who they have selected speifically because they are grads of our program and they think it would be great for us to support these new graduates, and for them to get teaching experience, and to be possible role models for us new students. It sounds good, but the program is so accelerated that we really don't have time to be pratice students for people. I need you to give me what I need to know in as condensed (and complete) a form as possible because I get one lecture and one lecture only to know everything there is to know about AIDS. So while, yes, it is noce to see new grads doing great things, now is not the time! There was also some issue with the fact that whle we sometimes have guest lecturers, our exams are still written by the actual professor, so there is sometimes a huge gap in what we were taught versus what was on the test. We then gave many solutions to the problems we presented to the dean.

My comment, which wasn't received well, had to do with having nursing scholars/researchers/teachers actually teach Pharm and Biomed. The response (which is in no way new) to the question was basically "nurses aren't smart enough to teach the coontent" which I think is a serious problem. Does it say anything about the profession and the school to have these tougher courses taught by non-nurse scholars? What do you mean nurses aren't smart enough to teach the material? Isn't that exactly the kind of image we're trying to dispute in the profession? Our current nurse-lecturers do a better job relating the drug information to our practice than the pharmacists do, and the same goes for the biological processes in the body! Are you, the dean, really standing in front of the room and saying that your PhD educated faculty do not have the knowledge nor means to teach pharmacokinetics? That worries me. It also bothers me that we bring a men in to teach the harder courses, what are you saying, without saying anything?

Anyway, I was disappointed that everyone didn't know about the meeting before it happened. Only a handful of students knew we were having a meeting today. (I was one of the students who didn't know until the moment it was happening) There was a lot of complaining going on, but I think it was necessary, and I'm glad it happened. I can only hope that some good things come out of it. There was also a midwifery issue that had my blood boiling, but I'll tell u about that later!

Next Exam

2006-11-10T09:10:00.000-08:00

Does it seem like I'm living exam to exam? You're not going crazy, it's true, I am. It's a strange month. I have a med surg exam Thursday. Yes, I had a biomed exam yesterday, and a pharm exam the Thursday before that, but who's counting? (I am, LOL)

I'm doing a lot of laughing. In fact, I feel loopy. Like I'm losing it, going crazy, smiling all the time like I'm drugged and don't know that I'm being hazed and that I'm supposed to be falling under the crushing pressure. LOL My friends blow me kisses in the hallway, one of us at each end with arms open wide, taking me in - "Oh you had bio med today, I just know you rocked it" with a sarcastic wink. Then they notice you're in your uniform and they say "clincal tonight, too?" - hugging me like I'm going off to battle - like we're in some ghetto version of a sweeping epic like Gone With the Wind. And you make the "I hate life" face and they say "have fun, 5 more weeks" as you continue walking, feeling blessed to have someone put the "just 5 more weeks" chant in your head. And then you turn around and yell, because you forgot to ask (this is how life is right now), "Oh shyt, how was your physical assessment check off yesterday?" And they toss their head back and laugh because they are a third-year and they no longer get stressed because they've already reached the maximum capacity for stress, so now they just go through the day with cheshire cat grins and drunken-ish sways - even if it didn't necessarily go well. Besides, what can they do about it now? They're loopy, too.

My med surg professor emailed us today. I know she's a little worried about the amount of information on this test, you can hear it in her voice when she talks to us, her boding tells me that I better not rest until Thanksgiving. But some idiot decided that we should have our 3rd pharm exam the Thursday we come back from Thanksgiving break, so really there won't even be rest then. At least I'll have some turkey and mac-n-cheese to snack on while studying. It'll be so much better than ham sandwiches or whatever else I usually eat in the absence of being able to bring cooked food into the library.

Can I tell you a secret?

(Of course I can, it's my blog!)

Here's the secret--------------> I'm loving it.

How insane does one have to be to love this madness? Who wants to have someone constantly reminding them that they don't know a damn thing about oncological disease, but, yes, your test is still on Thursday. Or, I know we didn't get a chance to cover universal precautions in MRSA patients, but, yes, it's still on your test, with a hearty helping of "I suggest you read up on that" at the end. I know that must sound crazy. But I am in love with being in charge of my own learning. I am in love with having to manipulate information until it no longer resembles what you thought it was supposed to. Building up a diagnosis (a nursing one, no less) and creating a plan of care based on that diagnosis, and then meeting the patient who bursts your bubble because while, yes, she knows cocaine is bad for her, no, she will not be taking your advice to go to rehab, nor any of your other "crazy" patient-teaching suggestions because she's a grown azz woman and doesn't want to hear your young azz telling her what to do. And, she "aint come in here for that noway." Now could you kindly give her an asthma treatment so she can get back to her 4 children who need their school clothes ironed, and her job - as a home health care aid, no less? Yes mam, I can. But first, let me tell you I know what "speedball" is, so let me at least tell you how to be safe. Did you know you can get free needles (up to ten at one time) at the pharmacy, without a prescription? "For real?" "Yes, maam, for real. So be safe."

It could have driven me nuts (last night's clinical), but, like I said, I'm loopy, and on a "this is what feels like to learn" high.

Thursdays

2006-11-09T11:10:00.000-08:00

My new Thursday starts with class at 8 am, and ends at 10pm when clinical is over. There is a 1 hour lunch from 12-1. How did I end up with a clinical placement at the same time as my Friday anatomy class? We go to 1 hour's worth of class, but then it's off to the hospital (which is a 30 minute communte on the worst friggin interstate I have ever used) and we miss the last 2 hours of anatomy. Doesn't this seem azz-backward? I don't mind because I didn't go to the cadaver labs anyway, but the other students in my clinical group (who also have to take Anatomy) are not at all happy about it, and I completely understand why. Today I had a biomed test, which is why I am done early with class and have time to write this.

The biomed test was very frustrating. I spent hours and hours studying very productively. I had a 2 hour quizzing session early this morning with my friend who happens to being doing well in the class. I had to answer the questions without prompts from memory, which is harder than answering multiple choice questions because there's nothing to jog your memory. I did fine during this session. We both decided I knew the material. So how come I had no idea what the answer to almost 20 of the 40 questions on the test?

I am going to clinical unprepared because our preceptor was not there when we went to do chart review yesterday and so we had no access to the computers that hold all of the patient's information, and my patient's chart was missing because he wasn't on the floor (getting labs done probably).

What I want is a cocktail. Oh, wait. My weekly happy hour is now a thing of the past because I have clinical on Friday nights. Lucky me.

Sunday Brunch

2006-11-07T07:32:00.000-08:00

Me and my friends went to brunch on Sunday at a cute little place off campus. It only had about 12 tables, but they had a serious line waiting to eat. After our 30 minute wait, we finally sat down and realized why people were so willing to wait. It was a beautiful day, the food was beautiful and tasted oh-so-good. I had french toast with whipped cream and pecans. It was amazing. Someone else had rasberry-lemon crepes which looked so good! I'm working on getting the picture so you can see it! There were about 9 of us, I think, and it really made my semester. It felt like I had been waiting to do just that for the last 6 weeks. It's the kind of thing I had imagined I would be doing, before I got here. Two of the students were third-years so they basically gave us some advice, and the rest of us just got to know eachother better!

I complain so much that I thought "I've got to tell them about this."

So there ya go, now I'm back to studying for biomed...

Crunch Time

2006-11-06T13:00:00.000-08:00

Today when I walked into the reference room/quiet study/mini library, a girl was having a breakdown. Two classmates were trying to support her, but it was emotionally very hard to watch. I understand. The pressure is tremendous and people are very, very far from home or friends, and it's hard. I wouldn't say it's the hardest thing I've ever done, but it is very quickly approaching that extreme. Several classmates have gone to the doctor/NP and been prescribed medications to help them deal with things like depression and anxiety, and people are having panic attacks. It makes me wonder about the culture of nursing school. I know all nursing schools aren't this way, and I think these "incidents" have a lot to do with the program being accelerated more than anything else. But I wonder if they shouldn't do some kinds of stress assessments as part of the interview process? What is the consequence of this stress for people who come from cultures with strong stigmas attached to taking medications for mental health issues or even going to have their mental health assessed? Historically black women have had a hard time recognizing depression, as I'm sure other cultures have. If we aren't going to speak to mental health professionals (why aren't we) what are we doing to cope?

It's crunch time (I have a BIOMED TEST this week) and I find myself going a little nuts...I'll keep you updated...

Pharm Exam/Clinical Week 7

2006-11-03T08:27:00.000-08:00

The Pharm exam went well enough. It takes a couple weeks to get the scores, but I'm not at all worried about it, I finished quickly and easily enough, but this week of memorization was no punk.

This was the first week of my new clinical assignment. The commute was about 30 minutes on the way there, but only 15 on the way back (traffice differences). It sucks to be holed up in the car with folks you don't really know. That, and the interstate we have to take is notoriously bad and so the whole time my eyes are closed. It was an interesting first day. We got lost (as required) which ticked me off because people would not listen to me. We just drove around in circles for 30 minutes before they finally listened to what the hell I had to say. My suggestion was to start from our school since the only directions we had started from the school. But, no, they decided they "knew" of another way to get on the interstate, so we drove around looking for it. After 30 minutes, we were right back at my house, and after I pointed this out, someone *else* had the "bright idea" that we should just go back to school and start from there. Did I mention the school is probably all of two miles from my house? Arrgh. Then, when we arrived at the hospital I informed the group that my friend had told me that we needed to get our parking ticket validated as soon as we walked into the hospital so we could pay the flat rate; otherwise, we would have to pay the hourly rate because the desk closes at 7 and we aren't done until 10. Do you think they listend to me? No. For whatever reason, they thought that it wasn't really important. And she told me "oh, don't worry about it" as we walked right pass the desk where we could have done it. Ok. Whatever.

In the mean time, we go through our first day of clinical, which does not involve taking care of a patient. We do scavenger hunt type activities to locate where everything on the floor is, we go over hospital procedures and regulations (ie How to call a CODE) and we get to know eachother. We found out that we will be doing concept maps instead of careplans for this rotation. Our preceptor is also a teacher at a diploma program. A concept map is basically a visual careplan that you can draw, color, or whatever. Fine with me. The nurses on the new floor are nice and they were excited to meet us. The patients on the floor are very sick. Many of the rooms double as hospice rooms and it has a very sad feeling to it. The exception is the outpatient room which is actually on the floor. I dont' know why they would want to have an outpatient area (where patients get chemo) on the same unit as hospice - that seems really eerie and inappropriate to me??!! There is also a notable difference in presence of clergy on this floor. I never saw any on our last floor; I saw two on this floor within the first hour.

So, to continue the previous rant, clinical ended and we started to leave when the driver realized that not only should we have gotten the ticket validated, but we needed to at least bring it IN the hospital because you actually pay for parking before you leave the building. She went to get the ticket and brought it in. We put it into the automated machine. It cost more than three times the daily rate. So everyone is forking over the cash, but I forked over less. I refused to pay the difference between how much it *should* have cost us and how much it actually cost us. Not to be the difficult one, but I don't have money to waste, and when she decided (on her own) that we didn't need to pay the daily rate, as far as I'm concerned she took responsibility for the difference in cost. Then, we got back to the car and started giving her the gas money. Earlier this week I said we should meet for second and figure out how much we should pay to whoever was driving. Again, no one thought we needed to do that. So last night when it's time to fork over the money, everyone is paying five or ten bucks. Now, this is not a problem, but I at least need to know if this is just for today, or for tomorrow, too? Why is this so hard to discuss? People probably want me to just roll with the flow. I hear that all the time. But that's not the kind of budget I'm on. You can tell me how much you expect per week, or I can make the decision for you and you will just get what I give you, but I must know how much to plan for.

In essence, I hate group dynamics. Also, as I get to know folks, I think a lot of people are here because they didn't want to work yet. For example, people are getting their THIRD master's degrees in succession. Hmmm. You're 30+ and you've yet to have a real job? Or people who have an undergrad in one thing, a master's in something else, did the peace corps for two years, taught for one year, and now they're doing this and they aren't even 30 yet??!! What's really going on? And when I hear them talking about their undergrad and grad loans from previous programs, and I remember what schools they're coming from (all Ivies), I can't help but add that up...and I realize that they are adding yet another $100,000 in loans to the loans they already racked up in undergrad and previous grad school...we're talking $200,000 easily. That's a lot of money. But it ain't my business.

Odds and Ends (again)

2006-10-30T13:48:00.000-08:00

I don't know if I ever mentioned it, but I passed the 2nd med surg exam; there are only two left in the semester! I have an exam every week for the next 5 weeks (excluding Thanksgiving), starting this week with Pharmacology. I'm up to my elbows in flash cards.

We got our new clinical rotations. I'm at a hospital in a different city, and I'm not at all excited about the commute. I have been assigned to the cardiology floor, Thursday and Friday evenings, with a very laid back preceptor. I'm glad I am going from a tough preceptor to an easier preceptor and not the other way around, like the group we're switching with! My old preceptor will be expecting so much from them and I hear (my neighbor was in this group) that they just haven't had the experiences to gain the skills. And this is precisely why I kept my first preceptor despite others telling me to run; it is always better to be prepared, than to take the easy route and not know as much as you could know. Yeah, it was a long six weeks, but we all survived - and we can write careplans like nobody's business! Oh, and all the shows I thought I'd miss on Thursday night (Grey's Anatomy and Ugly Betty) can be seen at abc.com in full, without commercials, isn't that awesome?!

In other news, I found yet another coffee shop I like. It's a chocolate bar, and since I like hot chocolate more than I like coffee, it's the best coffee shop I've been to! I won't be able to study there though because it's a hot spot for nursing students, and no studying ever gets done.

I went to a Halloween party at the Medical dorms. It was crazy, lots of costumes, lots of dirinking. I didn't wear a costume, but when got there I thought it was interesting that at least 3 people (white people) had costumes that included big black afros (like Beyonce from the Gold Member video, and another a rapper complete with fro, pick and bling, etc), and another 3 or 4 were obiously wearing costumes of black people without afros (Run of RunDMC complete with track suit, gold link chain, and black hat, rastifarians with black dreads and rainbow hats, etc.) All I could think was thank god they didn't come black-faced. That would have really done me in. So, of course I ended up thinking about this as I was people-watching at the party, and it gave me an idea. I wore some black pants and a black casual it jacket with a shirt underneath to the party since I didn't wear a costume. But I also wore some white Pumba-ish tennis shoes because I was going for comfort, not cuteness. So, I started telling people I was ELLEN DEGENERES for Halloween, just to see their reaction. Ellen always dresses something like her doll. Little black suit with tennis shoes. People got it, but they thought it was sooooo funny that I would come to a Halloween party as a white woman. They couldn't stop laughing! But nobody seemed to make the correlation to those dressed as black people. I don't know where I was going with this, except to ask "is there a difference?" There was something very weird about having my culture be portrayed as a Halloween costume. But then again, Hip Hop and rap belongs to a whole generation, not just my culture...it seemed weird (and a little inappropriate) for me to be a lesbian white woman for Halloween! I don't know, anyway, it's just a train of thought...

Clinical Week 6/Last Clinical of 1st Rotation

2006-10-25T15:36:00.002-07:00

I survived my first clinical rotation! And it ended with a difficult patient...

My patient this week had a whole host issues - which was, of course, sad for him, but good for me because I actually started administering meds this week. (I passed the med math exam on the second try). He was on 23 different meds, so I got a lot of practice, including some injections (insulin and heparin) but his main issue was bilateral foot amputations. He was diabetic and had periperal vascular disease which resulted in his not being able to feel his toes. And because he is also blind, he could not see that his toes were black and blue. So, they had to cut off all of his toes a few months ago. Then, he went home and was bedridden, without proper home care, so his wounds from the amputations did not heal. In fact, his feet became necrotic (all the tissue died) ---> this is also sometimes called gangrene, and so he is now scheduled for both of his feet to be amputated at the ankle, or maybe even below the knee. I had to change his wound dressings, and this was no small feat because they were "packed" wounds. Packed wounds are like holes in the body that are stuffed with gauze and then wrapped. My job was to pull all of that gauze out, inspect the hole and clean it, then repack and wrap it. It is not something you ever want to see. But, what's worse is the smell. It is the smell of necrotic (rotting) flesh. If you ever smell it, you will NEVER, EVER forget it. My preceptor coached me through the whole thing, telling me to open my mouth to breath, but I couldn't because I just didn't want to taste that smell...if that makes sense? We were low to the floor at the foot of the bed when doing the dressing change, and she told me to actually get down on my knees (as she had done) as an attempt to stay steady and not fall back, away from the wound, which is what your body wants to do. She reminded me to take a second to look at the floor to keep from showing the patient all those rude faces one makes when a smell assaults your nostrils. It was also the first time I had to practice sterile technique, so it took a very long time to complete the task because the first time you do it, it's hard to maintain a sterile field!

If you want to see what I was looking at (or as close a picture I can find), click below. The differences were that my patient had no toes, and the wound was a little deeper/more of a hole.

Big picture
or Webpage (see middle picture)

A Happy Place

2006-10-23T16:22:00.000-07:00

I went to one of my favorite sites for decoding medical abbreviations, thefreedictionary.com, and saw that on this day in 1958, the Smurfs were invented. Instantly, I remembered watching Saturday morning cartoons. It makes me smile inside to remember my childhood. It was great. Really great. Right now I realize that I'd love to go home and climb into my mother's bed and watch a little Discovery Channel.

Storing this moment into my mental happy place rolodex.

I Always Say

2006-10-23T10:32:00.000-07:00

...I miss fat people. Well, I have the perfect example to illustrate why that is:

Last wednesday evening, I was studying for the 2nd med surg exam with my student mentor, who also happens to be the TA for the course. Her friend and roomate is the only big girl in their class of 60+. (I am the only big girl in my class of 80+) And let me just say, by "big" I mean "not skinny, and a little past thick," or for those of you who don't mind the term, FAT. Anyway, this big girl came over to us and was distraught. For real. Why? Because someone had the audacity to come up to her and her physical assessment partner and tell her partner that he shouldn't do his physical assessment (which included a breast exam) on her because the bigger the person is, the more time it takes to do the assessment, and if you don't finish the assessment in the allotted amount of time, you get docked points. And he was risking points by choosing her as a lab partner because she was big, and her breasts were big. (This all happened a few feet away from me)

Now. Ok. This is true, it takes a little more time to do an assessment on a fat person because (duh) there's fat covering their entire body. So, when you're feeling around the stomach for example, you gotta press harder, and sometimes you still don't feel what you're looking for. It is especially hard to palpate (feel) for the liver and bladder when someone has a lot of adipose tissue (fat) or sometimes hearing the heartbeat is a little harder because (duh) the stethoscope can be much farther away from the heart depending on the amount of fat or skin. But even with that, we're talking a significant amount of fat, which no one in this program is big enough for this to be the issue. It's the difference between doing a breast exam on a small breast and a large breast - there's more breast to assess, if that makes sense.

Regardless:

1. This is the most skewed cross-section of a population I've ever seen. There are more pre-pubescent body types in our class than in an issue of 17 magazine. So here we are doing all these practice exams on people with no body fat at all, when the US population more often has a little fat than not. People had better get used to touching/feeling fat people. The day when you simply pretend they didn't exist is long gone for you, future NP. Everyday you will be confronted with us, and I dare you to act like you don't want to touch my skin.

2. Who the hell are you to walk up to two people who aren't even talking to you and voice your idiotic opinion to make some one feel inferior? Yes, I know we have the cute little saying that no one can make you feel inferior with out your consent, but I'm here to tell you, words hurt even the strong and the brave, sometimes. Hell, my feelings were hurt, and she wasn't even talking to me. Just from one fat girl to another.

3. Why the hell are we being so competitive? It's a freaking POINT. Isn't the measly point worth getting hands-on experience with someone whose body type actually mimics the actual patient population?

4. It's a d-e-m-o-n-s-t-r-a-t-i-o-n, meaning, you aren't actually trying to find something wrong, you are simply trying to demonstrate that you know *how* to look for something, you aren't actually assessing whether the person has a S3 heart sound, just that you know *where* and *how* you would put the stethoscope to hear it. So, really, you aren't spending that many more seconds than anyone else.

Maybe people are wondering why this matters so much to me. It matters because the lack of diverse body types is sometimes isolating in itself. But to have someone actually think they can actually walk up and comment on your weight/size/shape is especially troubling. I know we spend a lot of time assessing health, so it's only natural to observe those right in front of you, but there has to be respect. Being fat (or black, or jewish or anything else) does not mean that you have the right to inspect, evaluate or *touch* yes, I said touch! me. And, if you do decide to interrupt my private conversation and make a a comment *about* me, please have the decency of saying it *to* me, instead of talking about me, right in front of me, as though I am invisible.

I wanted to say something to the girl who made this comment, but I can't fight other people's battles for them.

I wanted to post something else today. I am reading Alice Walker right now, and realize that something is about to change in me. But now, I don't have the time.

Observation Week

2006-10-18T07:16:00.000-07:00

I did not have clinical this week. Instead, I had observations. Yesterday I went to the cath lab and saw an angioplasty and stents inserted. Today I went to GI and saw colonoscopies and EGDs. It was great couple of days away from clinical (but at this point almost anything would be a great day away from clinical).

Monday morning our class had a meeting with the director of our program that was supposed to be about our study abroad rotation in July, but ended up being a meeting about nothing. They simply weren't prepared for the meeting. They had no news to share about study abroad, and basically spent the whole meeting trying to convince us to stay in this god-forsaken city for our community health rotation - despite the fact that they didn't have a list of places we could possibly do this rotation in the city. So what exactly did they have? A sheet explaining how we could find our own rotation for this last clinical. Unacceptable. Why? Because two of the very strong selling points of this university were "global opportunities" and not having to "find your own clinical." And, at $45,000 for the year, I expect you to be prepared for every meeting that you call - and if you're not, say that, and then cancel the meeting. But I was pleased that I did not have to be the angry black woman and bring all of that up, one of the men in our class did a very good job being angry for all of us, speaking is mind and receiving a round of supportive clapping from the class that said "we agree with what he's saying to you, lady." Of course she handled it like a true politician, saying she understood our concerns and would really attempt to get right on it. Ha ha. My only comment was to ask for an agenda to be emailed the night before the meeting so that we would know what was to be discussed and could make a decision as to whether it was worth getting up 2 hours earlier to attend. She said "I appreciate your comment." I said, "That doesn't answer my question." She followed, "I will send out an email." Great.

In other news, I have my 2nd Med Surg Exam tomorrow morning. I'm not as worried about it as iwas the first because it's over diabetes and its complications, renal disease, and peripheral artery/venous disease - all of which I knew something about before coming here. That hasn't reduced the studying any, but it has reduced the frustration.

Odds and Ends 2 (or Three)

2006-10-16T05:02:00.000-07:00

I spent the weekend tending to myself as much as possible (outside of a test review session on Saturday, studying for a couple hours each day, and a million freaking flashcards).

Friday, I skipped happy hour and went to a film festival at a museum to see a documentary. It was an excellent film about a family trying to move out of some housing projects into their own home. It really was excellent. It made me think about the mentality of poverty and how if you're only used to people taking advantage of you, how will you ever trust anyone enough to allow them to do something really positive for you, like help you buy a home. You're always looking for the catch. And usually there is one, but not always. It made me wonder how come more programs like the one featured in the film (home-ownership programs) were not being utilized if they cost less than public housing to run. In the back of mind I hear "conspiracy," but I am trying to not see it that way because that leaves a sinking hole in my stomach and that's the last kind of feeling I want to deal with right now. It's one of those "call to action" type things, and I just cannot be called to any other actions outside of nursing school right now!

I also finished last season's Desperate Housewives so that I was all caught up for last night's episode, and watched one of my new favs, "Brothers and Sisters." I should take a minute to talk about my disgust at the images of black men on Desperate Housewives last season, but I don't have the energy.

I also had a very interesting conversation with someone about judgement this weekend. Ever since I got here and have been vocal about not liking a local specialty food mart (ie; organic, health mart) people have taken that as license to discuss what they perceive my eating habits to be. This ticks me off beyond belief. So now it's all about Kool-Aid jokes (one of the items I mentioned I couldn't get at said specialty mart) and how me and my husband are gonna die of diabetes (a recent lecture was on diabetes and DKA) NO KIDDING, someone actually said this to me. Needless to say, I went off. I had been keeping my mouth shut because I didn't want to be defensive about it, but once you think you can tell me when and how me and my husband are going to die, all bets are off. So, I got on my soapbox. Is this how you're going to talk to your patients? If so, say goodbye to continuity of care because I guarantee you they aren't coming back to your office. How do you know what my health outcome is before you've even asked ONE question? How do you know that my Kool-Aid isn't sweetened with Equal or Splenda? How do you know that 2 quarts lasts me a week and a half? We have to be very careful about making a diagnosis about someone just by looking at them! "Well, it's also genetic, so since you're dad has it, so will you." Careful, careful, I do believe that in order for me to aquire a disease *genetically* I must be *genetically* related to the person...I am not *genetically* related to my "dad" (because he's my stepdad) and if you had of taken the time to ASK me ONE question, you might have known that, and thereby been able to keep from putting your foot in your mouth! So, that's what the hell I'm dealing with in my classmates.

Like I've said a million times, I miss fat people. Brown people. Poor people. I hope they all contract Ecoli from their lettuce and spinanch. LOL Nah, I'm just kidding, but I do hope they learn to be less judgemental...