One Year...10 Posts

I know my review of Toure's Never Drank the Kool-Aid was supposed to be next, but I have to say something else first. (But YES, he did respond to my email...more later, I promise)

It just occured to me that I started my blog one year ago this month, so I didn't want the month to end without talking about my 1-year bloggin milestone...

I started this blog in the hopes that other nursing school hopefuls, especially those who might not otherwise have anyone to ask for advice, would be able to gain some insight into what it is like to apply to and attend nursing school, especially graduate level nursing school. I also wanted to share my experiences in an accelerated "direct entry" nursing program, which is different than a traditional nursing program - mainly in that you can have an undergrad degree in anything (mine is in English-Writing and Linguistics) and get both an RN and MSN in one bridge-type program.

I am suprised by how much more I ended up writing about. I am also suprised by how personal my blog has gotten, despite the fact that it is still not "very" personal! There are some things about my blog that I am proud of; mainly, I am proud of the truth that it represents. There are others that I look back and am somewhat disappointed with - such as the overall language of the blog, which I thought would be slightly more formal than it is. In the end, while I am not exactly happy with the language, I have come to accept it because I value non-academic and non "literary" tongue and I hope that this blog remains readable because of it.

Anyway, I perused my archives, and these are my top 10 posts of the year (they will pop up below this current post):

These posts because they exemplify the mission of this blog

Because of this post, I will never forget how it felt...

This post because it marked the end of a very long journey...

This rant because it tells the truth about who I am...

This one and this one, because they articulate what marriage means to me...

This is what nursing school is really like...

But also this one, because it equally tells the truth of nursing school...

And who could forget the day they asked me to leave the program...

And last but not least,this post, because it captures the very essence of my life.

I hope you all have enjoyed the blog this year, and I hope I have helped someone, anyone. I look forward to the growth next year brings, and your cyberspace visits!

Toure

I'm going to talk about Toure's never drank the Kool-Aid next, but I am waiting on him to respond to an email I sent him about it...

More later!

Let the Lion Eat Straw

This novel is by Ellease Southerland, now known as Ebele Oseye. I picked up this book because of one very simple description I saw online: "Mamma Habblesham, an elderly midwife, lovingly tends to Abeba, a sweet little 6-year-old whom she has raised since the girl was two months old." I should have kept reading the reviews/summaries. There are few novels that I have found that have midwives as real characters. I was disappointed (for all of two seconds) when I realized that this book doesn't either. We know that Mamma is a midwife, and that she's a good one, but that's it. In fact, Abeba's life with Mamma pretty much ends 15 pages into the novel. But I kept reading after that because the novel is beautiful. It's short, and therefore words have been chosen carefully, and I like that. But that's the least of it.

I loved the way Southerland portrayed the men in the novel. Abeba's father was not afraid to love his daughter. The boys on the stoop were respectful, genuinely kind, and very supportive of Abeba, all the while Abeba's mother pointed out that they were drunks and needed some Jesus in their life. Isn't that the way people really are? It seems so rare that people are either one thing or another, a sinner or the saved. I loved how a whole Brooklyn community of poor folks paid hard earned money to gather at the school to see the play that Abeba's mother wrote where black men were kings, and astrologers, and magicians (a revamped story of King Nebuchadnezzar and David)...a play that cost 50 cents for one person, but 25 cents for two.

And I loved Abeba's resiliency. Her husband turned out to be certifiably crazy, but she stood right by him. They had 15 children, all of whom where exceptionally smart and they built business and a home and a family with very little.

It really was very beautiful. There was some horror, but what life doesn't have any? Abeba was headed for great things (ie Julliard) but she gave it up for this life with children and a husband. And to me, that was some of the horror, but what I liked about it was that at the center of this novel was a relationship between mother and daughter, and when the daughter became a woman, she took responsibility for the life she chose and made decisions accordingly.

There's so much truth in this novel, so much revelancy now, almost 30 years later.

The Interruption of Everything

I started with this novel by Terry McMillan because I had been waiting a very long time to read it. It wasn't the best one she's written, but I still enjoyed it. I have been a fan of Terry McMillan since Mama and Breaking the Ice. I remain committed to her works because I remember what reading Mama did for me; For the first time ever, I read a book and really recognized the characters. I read the whole novel in one day - a real accomplishment when you're 12 or so and it's 2 or 3 hundred pages long. It probably wasn't the first book by a black woman that I had ever read, but it's the first one I remember reading.

The Interruption of Everything is about a woman (Marilyn) entering perimenopause (thanks for talking about it) and her relationships with her family members, including her husband, children, mother and mother-in-law. She is intensely creative and has earned a creative degree, but had been mostly a stay at home mother and wife. The main plot has to do with belonging to the sandwich generation. She's just getting her kids off to college, but also taking care of her own parents. Her mother is sick, but is living with Marilyn's sister. Her mother-in-law is living with Marilyn and her husband, who is also going through a mid-life crisis. And, of course, what would a Terry McMillan novel be without girlfriends. She has two girlfriends that help her get through everything. And there's other drama that I won't get into so that I don't spoil it. The best thing about the book is the menopausal discussion.

It was entertaining enough to read in one day, but at the same time, I thought "I waited 4 years for a novel from McMillan...and this is it?"

Reading

I read a book yesterday, a book today, and even started on the one for tomorrow...the plan is to read one every day - but no pressure...

I'll be talking about them soon...

Semester One is Finally Over

The semester has ended. FINALLY. I basically slept (and read) from Thursday until now, with the exception of a trip to the grocery store yesterday to prepare for this hibernation I am about to go into.

Thursday was my final Med Surg exam. At one point, in the middle of test, I flipped the test over to calculate how many I could miss and still get the grade I wanted on the test. I didn't do it because I wanted to quit, but because I was feeling really overwhelmed by it all (hardest friggin test I've ever had in this class) and I needed some perspective...For example, I only needed a 60 on this final exam to pass the class...and even if I had of gotten a 90 my grade would still have been only a "Pass," (one of the things I hate about "Pass/Fail" system) then I figured I could miss something like 40 of the questions and still get what I needed...all of sudden the 14 questions I did not know the answer to didn't mean a damn thing and I kept moving.

Shortly after the Med Surg exam, and right at the end of a end-of-semester meeting with the program director, our professor came back in and made an announcement that although one person failed the exam, no one failed the class. We didn't lose one student this semester. It was a great feeling and the class, even if only for one moment, was unified and proud.

As tired as I was, I still took the Anatomy final afterwards (even though we had another 5 or 6 days to take it) because I wanted be done with all of this when I finally went home. I passed that, too, and that marked the end of the semester for me.

The semester didn't exactly end the way I wanted it to (I wanted High Passes), but it's over now and I can say I've learned something - a lot, actually. And despite the belief of some that we all have equal access to being successful here, I maintain my opinion that it is harder for some us than others. My view is not a popular view to have in an ivory tower because people are very uncomfortable with their privilege. But I know, because of how I feel right now, that it has been no small feat to come through this fiery first semester and although I might have suffered some smoke inhalation, I have not been burned...and I find that nothing short of miraculous.

(Almost) Unbelievable

On Nove 3rd, an ARTICLE about a med error was printed in the Wisconsin State Journal:

Nursing and hospital officials were outraged Thursday after the state filed a felony charge against the nurse whose medication error caused the death of a teenager at St. Mary's Hospital in July.

It's the first time a health- care worker has been criminally charged for an unintentional error in Wisconsin, the officials said. They said the filing could make it more difficult to recruit and retain nurses, already in short supply...She mistakenly gave Gant an epidural anesthetic intravenously, a state investigation previously revealed. Gant was supposed to receive penicillin through the IV for a strep infection. An epidural is supposed to be injected near the spine to numb the pelvic area during birth

Wow. I began to think about how possible it would be for this kind of med error to happen- I was trying to go through the steps in my head, but further down, the article provided all the steps she had to take in order for this to happen:

Improperly removed the epidural bag from a locked storage system. Gant's physician, Dr. Joseph Fok, never ordered the epidural.

Didn't scan the bar code on the epidural bag, which would have told her it was the wrong drug.

Ignored a bright pink label on the bag that said in bold letters, "FOR EPIDURAL ADMINISTRATION ONLY."

Disregarded hospital and nursing rules in failing to confirm a patient's "five rights" when receiving drugs: right patient, right route, right dose, right time and right medication.

Of course that made me think, OK she really screwed up. But also, I was trying to imagine myself in her situation (which is always hard to do, because you never really can) and I thought about of all of the little things that happen during a shift-almost absentmindedly. I still don't know how she missed this...it seems so glaring, but who am I to say? Do I have any say, as a future nurse? IF I were called to testify, would I stand up for her, my fellow nurse? I was still torn...but then I read this statement from the nurse:

I allow priority for compassion to override the need for detail.

Notice the present tense "allow" not "allowed" as in past tense mistake, but present tense. I was no longer torn. Maybe it's me, but when I'm the patient, please spare me the compassion if it comes at the price of my life.

I hope you all read the article for yourself, but in the case that you don't, the 16 year old girl died from the injection. The nurse "if convicted, faces a $25,000 fine and up to three years in prison and three years of extended supervision.

Seriously? Supervision...as in she'd still be working as a nurse? I don't think that should be an option. What do you think?

The Last Week of Semester 1

I have my final MedSurg exam tomorrow morning at 10 am and then an Anatomy final to take by Monday. My Final MedSurg exam covers respiratory, musculoskeletal, hepatic, endocrine, and EKG interpretation. Do I feel great about it? No. But I just want to get it over with.

Today we're having a breakfast in MedSurg and we're going to fill out a million observations. I'm so not in the mood, but I believe in the necessity of evaluations. We will also be evaluated on our clinicals that just ended (mine was in Oncology) Do I expect a great evaluation? No. But I do expect to pass. Honestly, my preceptor wasn't great...or even good, and I plan on discussing all of that on the evaluation - and I expect her to discuss my obvious boredom with 3/4 of the rotation!

Really, it's all about the fact that Med Surg is over (or will be tomorrow) and I will dedicate a whole post to how that makes me feel, but in one word:

FANFREAKINTASTIC.

“You’re Not Cut Out for Nursing School” Part 2

Here’s what I did after that:

I went to speak with the associate dean (this was like 2 days after the letter, before I had rebuilt my reserve and confidence). She was very supportive, and this is the benefit of having a conscious person of color in administration; They take up the battle for you, and you get to go back to concentrating on yourself. You don’t have to explain all the psychological damage, they already get it…they’ve been through it. You don’t have to convince them that you aren’t crazy – which helps because when something like this happens you really do feel like you’re losing it, and if you’re the kind of person who takes your life seriously (and thinks about it critically) you start to think you might be crazy and you’d have a hard time convincing someone else that you aren’t! She met with me and then met with him to discuss the situation on my behalf…and then encouraged me to meet with him myself later. She also made it concretely clear that I wasn’t leaving the program. But, honestly, I didn’t believe her.

Then, I gathered up all my friends, mostly students of color who I’ve built a very solid community with, and a few others, and explained what was going on. (The associate dean was very concerned about the whole “everyone one is struggling alone” thing) Another student in this little community had also had the same experience, and so there was comfort in that. And basically, they rallied around us and gave an immeasurable amount of support. I can hardly explain it, but it was the difference between trying to push against a closed door by yourself, versus having 5 other people pushing against it with you, if that makes sense. So we discussed a few strategies, made the commitment to check in on each other over the Thanksgiving holiday, and to come back with more ideas on how we could help the two of us get the scores we needed to pass the class and stay in the program. For one of the very first times in my life, here was a group of young black people who really felt like if one of us failed, we all failed, and failure was not an option. Not to be mushy, but I think this is what love looks like when it is separated from romance.

So, I went on break and I spent an enormous amount of time confronting my issues (because no one can make you feel inferior without your consent), rebuilding my confidence (because it was gone), and reassessing and recommitting to my purpose (because it’s the only way to survive this experience, I think). This involved journaling, reading my writing, including my admissions essays, and goal updating/refining. It was hard work, and, honestly, it left me exhausted, which is one of the reasons why I hope I don’t have to do it again soon.

Then I came back to school (somewhat renewed, but still a little worried, obviously) and, as promised, my friends’ suggestions started pouring in. I received a total of 36 emails in a weeks time, all concerning Biomed. I studied with different people, I was quizzed by different people, and I took the advice of every person seriously. Then I met with the professor and analyzed my last two tests. I told him my concerns and cornered him about the material a million times (Like: “Why is this the answer instead of this, when these two things are exactly the same?” or “You said to study these objectives, but the answers to the practice questions you posted do not come from these objectives, where do they come from?”) Then I took the test…early…in a room by myself, and I asked him questions during the exam, which I had never done before (thanks for that advice, K) and found that it is absolutely necessary to do so in order to get the grade you deserve. I think this is very, very problematic, but that’s for another post, another day. What matters in this moment, for this post, is this:

I needed a 77, but I got a 90.

Don’t put me in a box, don’t underestimate me, and don’t think you know me. I am serious about this thing I’m doing, and I don’t intend to change my goals based on your limited knowledge of who you think I am or what you think I can achieve. And what’s even better, my friends refuse to look up one day only to realize that one of us didn’t make it – and I am learning that of all the things that went right with this experience, that one has had the greatest impact.

"You're Not Cut Out for Nursing School" Part 1

So, here’s what happened:

Three weeks ago, on Wednesday November 15th (the day I wrote the “Creative Writing” post) also the day before my big Med Surg exam, my Biomed professor emailed me a letter suggesting that I withdraw from the program, take an A&P class, and try again next year. Or, if I wanted to, I could continue in the class. Hello??!! If I want to?!? Seriously.

It took me a minute to actually realize it was happening. He sent it to me so casually. The first thing I said aloud (in the library, sitting next to a friend) was “and you’re emailing this to me?!” Almost on cue, I received another email from him that said the hard copy would be in my mailbox, and good luck with my Med Surg exam. I’m thinking, ok so you did in fact know that I had a huge exam the next day…did you not think this would negatively impact my ability to concentrate on that…or did you simply not care…or are you angry because people like her class better than yours? But whatever, in that moment I decided not to go to my creative writing thing (in my opinion, electives are not an option if you aren’t passing the fundamentals) and had to relinquish my spot to someone else. I really wanted to participate in that workshop but, again, whatever.

This is why I was so angry:

1. I went to him after I failed the first exam, and he brushed me off, and told me “don’t worry about it, a lot of people failed it – go talk to the TA.” Ok, so, I tried not to worry about it, and went and talked to the TA like he told me to. That was disastrous. She told me that the reason I wasn’t doing well in his class was probably because I had an “attitude” toward him. Right then and there, I was done with her silly self. Whether he is good professor or not (he’s not) and whether I like him or not, I came to you to get assistance with the course, so how about you help me with the material, instead of critiquing what you think my attitude toward him is or should be. And, her advice was terrible. I did what she suggested because I thought, ok-maybe she knows something I don’t since she passed the class last year. The result of that faulty study technique was that I failed the second exam with a score even lower than I failed the first. Needless to say, meeting with her is no longer an option for me.

2. He did not EVER meet with me before he sent out the letter. I think the least he could have done was to meet with me and voice his concerns, and maybe even give me a head’s up that the letter was coming. It seems to me that there is just a way to do things, and that wasn’t it. Especially since the letter was also forwarded/cc’d to all the deans, too. How unprofessional.

3. Wouldn’t it have made sense to actually look at my file before suggesting that I take a year off to take A&P when I already took a year of A&P and am currently in the university’s A&P course? No, sir, taking yet another year of A&P is not going to help me. The letter also gave some suggestions for how I might be able to improve my grade if I was going to remain in the class. Again, these suggestions were uninformed. 5 of the 7 were things I was already doing! (ie: come to class, tape the lectures, meet with the TA) The last two things had to do with test taking (take the test in a room by myself, and I could have longer to take the exam). The exam is forty questions long and we already have 2 hours…time was never an issue. These were all things that could have been discussed, had he been willing to meet with me.

And lastly (and most importantly)…Who the hell are you to suggest I leave the program before I have even failed the class? What makes you think that I can not pull myself out of a hole, especially when all I need is 77 on the exam? How can you possibly say (and write down) that you don’t think it is possible for me to get the 77 I need - you don’t know me, or anything about me.

You might think you know but, clearly, you have no friggin’ idea.

It took me weeks of processing to understand it totally, even though I had H in my ear telling it to me all along (thanks H) but I finally organized it in my brain, and hopefully I won’t have to relearn/reconvince myself after this, because honestly it takes too much time. But basically, it came down to this:

When or if I leave this place it will be because I say so, and for no other reason. I will not be intimidated or otherwise coerced into defeat by him or any other person who is not wise enough to recognize my committment to my purpose in this world.

A Week Later...

Things are quiet around here as I prepare for Biomed Exam 3 which happens on Thursday.