Short Break

Today is my last day of work.
It feels unbelievably good.

Two weeks of packing are ahead of me, and I think I will need every day of it.

I will be offline for the next two weeks.

The next time I post I will have made it to my new school in a new city!

A nice bed and food in the kitchen,

that's what my desire for our new home has dwindled down to.

Taking my husband into consideration, I'll add "and a big tv."

I want to simplify. I am thinking of giving away most of my little library. I really shouldn't be hauling all of these books with me, and I haven't figured out how I would anyway. What are the chances that I will read them again? How many of the clothes in my closet do I actually wear? And how many of the shoes? How many plates, cups, glasses and bowls do two people really need? Why do we have 8 place settings? I've never had a table big enough to seat 8 people. How many bath towels are too many? Some of it is inherited, my grandmother is the ultimate domestic. But I also think I've become a slave to American consumerism, and it's bothering me. Would I want red walls if I didn't spend so much time at Target or watching HGTV? Why can't I wear a uniform - blue jeans and a white tshirt - every single day? If I knew, for an absolute fact, that no one was going to visit me for an entire year, would I care if my towels matched my shower curtain or if my sheets matched my comforter?

Probably not. Why do I still care, despite the fact that the only people who will ever be staying at my house are the people who already know me intimately anyway? Part of it is that I'm trying to create "home." A sense of permanency that we have never had since getting married. I want to have a sanctuary to come home to at the end of the day, and that includes walls that don't look like institutional walls. Ok. That's all fine and good, paint fixes that. But what about this other stuff? How much does it have to cost me before I feel like I'm home? Can I really feel like I'm at home in a home without books? Why isn't home wherever me and my husband are? Why isn't home anchored inside of me?

My husband has his belongings down to one suitcase. One damn suitcase?! Why can't I do that? I am going to do that. I am giving myself ONE SUITCASE for my belongings.

I'm letting go of the clutter.

I will embrace simplicity, and hopefully gain some clarity along the way.

GradPLUS is a bust.

Remember when I was all excited about the new federal loan program for grad students? Go here to jog your memory: http://minoritynursingstudent.blogspot.com/2006/02/important-news.html

I was denied this federal loan. Supposedly as long as you had no bankruptcies or school loans in default, you were eligible (per final email before applying today) but this is not the case. I don't know what the requirements are, as there are many different "facts" out there, and they all say something different. So, there it is.

It's been a long, emotional day. I'm tired and I'm frustrated. Someone asked me why don't I just go to medical school today. My answer was "why don't you." My usual default answer is "because I do not believe in the medical model for pregnancy and childbirth" but today I didn't have the patience, nor am I in the mood.

I want to climb into a bed with real quilts and down pillows in a freezing cold room with the windows open.

I seriously want to cut off all my hair, but I'm resisting the urge.

Ramblings

School News: I ordered the required background check from the required company. The first charge was $20. Good enough. But, then I get an email saying that another $42 has been charged to my account because I had multiple addresses in multiple states and counties listed. I hope I'm not going to have to pay for each and every address I have lived at for the last ten years...that would be disastrous. Why is everything always more expensive than it's supposed to be?

New site: http://shapeofamother.blogspot.com/ This site is about how pregnancy changes the body, physically. Women post photos of their bodies with the hopes that these realistic pictures will help other women realize the beauty of their bodies, or at least the normality if they can't yet come to appreciate it as beauty. Gazing at stretch marks, love handles, and an amazing amount of skin for the last hour made me feel feel unusually good about my own body, even if it isn't post-pregnancy weight that made me this way. Well worth the visit.

Food: It's been going well. No sugar, but some whole grains. Scale still moving in my favor, and I'm very very close to my 3-months-ago weight. Feels good.

Update: It's confirmed, my friend is pregnant. (see post "Mean and Other Things") I don't know what to say or do. Do I stop by and offer my support (phone is disconnected)? Seems invasive, not respectful of her space. Do I write her a letter? Seems impersonal, especially for how close we are(don't be fooled by her secrecy about this pregnancy, we usually are very close, and now I know why we haven't been talking). I don't know what to do, any advice?

Mean and Other things

So Mean.

I have this reputation, but I think people with limited vocabularies don’t really mean it…they just don’t know what else to call it. I’ve been called a “serious” person also…I think that’s more accurate. But anyway, in the meantime, I’ve been thinking about where this came from.

We’re all in our mid-late twenties (my friends and family I spend most of my time with). It’s the men who always say that I am so mean. Well, I think one issue is that they all have very young girlfriends. Why does this matter? They aren’t women yet. They never say what they really feel, they act as though they don’t have any intelligent thoughts of their own. Therefore, in a group setting, I am the only outspoken female. That, and the fact that I have less tact than they like – nevermind the fact that the men in our group setting never ever monitor, adjust or otherwise censor what they say- makes me "mean."

Second, I hold people personally accountable for their lives. I can’t help it. If you don’t want to think about anything other than Playstation, pop culture, and bikini models, we aren’t going to have much to talk about. But, what this means is that I don’t last very long in group settings; I get bored fast. And so occasionally I ask a tough question…something like “are you looking for a job?” Man, so hard, I know.

The bottom line? I say what I want among a roomful of ego-filled men, and I don’t apologize for it and I don't pretend to like everybody. Really, I have a hard time having a beer with someone who slapped his girlfriend last night. Call me mean, but hell no I don't want to go bowling with you.

Anyway.

Last night I learned that a very, very good friend of mine might be pregnant again. I saw her not too long ago and she looked pregnant, but I dismissed it as gained weight - even though she had the pregnancy-mask face. But then my mom asked me about it, and I truthfully answered that I didn't think so. Then she asked me about it again. I said I have no idea. Yesterday, my cousin came over and said "I saw your friend at work today - you didn't tell me she was having another baby!" I said, "I don't think she is." He said "Oh yes! she is. It's obvious. She's wobbling."

Then everything started to add up. She's been incognito. For months. She didn't come to my graduation party. At the time I didn't think much of it because NONE of my friends came. (A whole 'nother post that will probably never be published, but simply put - it hurt and it sucked) But now I am realizing that she has not followed through with anything we have planned in the last few months. I haven't physically seen her for an extended period of time for over 4 months. She doesn't take my calls, but again -my other friends had stopped taking my calls too, so I just figured everybody was into their own stuff (which happens sometimes). But then there was this; my mom went to her house to visit her, and she only poked her head around the door (body hidden), she didn't let my mom in, which is very, very strange. So, now I think it might be true. What's the point? This is her 5th child. She's a good mother, but times are hard for us working poor. She doesn't have help. She's trying to do the honorable thing and raise her children without assistance form the government. But I can't imagine how this will be possible with a new little one, and only making minimum wage. I admire her tenacity.

I wish I could help her. I wish she would answer my calls. Eventually I will just show up at her house to talk to her. But how ackward. She obviously doesn't want anyone to know, but it kills me to know that she might be dealing with this without any support whatsoever. But exactly how supportive can I be, leaving in less than a month?

Wikipedia meme

I got this from Karen's blog:

http://chialing81.blogspot.com/2006_06_01_chialing81_archive.html

"Go to Wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Main_Page
and look up your birthday (excluding the year). List three neat facts, two births, and one death in your journal, including the year."

Neat facts:
1873 - Censorship: The U.S. Congress enacts the Comstock Law, making it illegal to send any "obscene, lewd, or lascivious" books through the mail.

1923 - TIME magazine is published for the first time.

1991 - An amateur video captures the beating of Rodney King by Los Angeles police officers.

Births:
1962 - Jackie Joyner-Kersee, American athlete

1981 - Lil' Flip, American rapper

Death:
1937 - Amelia Earhart, American pilot (disappeared)

Tomorrow's post will be my reaction to "You so damn mean." I am giving myself a day to think about it bcecause otherwise it would be a post full of obscenities because I am so tired of hearing this...especially from black men.

4 weeks from now

I’ll be home – hopefully, both physically and mentally. I’m hoping our new city hits the spot and becomes a place we can stand to live for at least ten years. I am tired of packing, moving, and unpacking. I want red walls, wood floors, and black and white photographs on my walls. I want to cook in my own kitchen.

If you’ve been keeping up, you’ll remember my Sugar post. Well, the day after that, I gave it up. I still use sugar substitutes, and I still get plenty of sugar by eating whole fruit, but that’s it. For those of you who have never tried it, that cuts out a lot of food. Especially since I no longer eat refined carbs like white bread, flour, etc. I eat plenty of complex carbs though, and I will eat whole grain bread when I want to. Oh, and I don’t eat after 7 or 8. I found a neat little website that keeps track of everything for me: www.calorie-count.com and so far it’s going better than expected. Also, I have been walking but lately it’s been a very muggy, humid 100 degrees and walking outside is just out of the question.

Anyway, I have a school update:

I received my registration packet, and man was it thick. I had a few new tasks to do, including going online to register for (and pay for) a criminal background check, online loan entrance counseling and new promissory notes, and voter registration. Our orientation is a week long, but includes things like HIPPA training, immunization clinics, and IT seminars to designed to get our PDAs up and running. There is also a lab coat/school patch ceremony, which I think is great. There are also some built in family-friendly activities each day, including the first meeting for spouses of nursing students. I wonder if he’ll go for it.

My guess is no.

First Tuition Bill

I got my first tuition bill in the mail today. I owe $1,087.50 for the fall semester, which is more than I expected. Tuition went up more than $500 per semester, big suprise. I emailed my husband to tell him the news and he said "It isn't that bad, really." I needed to hear that. I swear, every time we manage to save over $1,000, we get a hit like this which makes us start all over again. It could be worse, I could be staring at the bill with absolutely no clue as to how I am going to pay it. It feels good to be able to pay in full and not have to make arrangements like I'm used to having to do - even if it means we're almost back to zero in savings.

I haven't been sleeping well, worried about it all. The man will have to find a job that pays what we need within 30 days so that the money will be there when we need it 60 days after arriving. I have never moved with so little saved. I am trying to tell myself "what a great adventure," but all that comes to mind is "two months away from homelessness." It's a lesson in faith, and I hope I pass.

Book List

I fell in love with this over at maryann's blog: www.thisblackgirlreads.org and I am stealing the idea (in part) by creating a list of ten books I would like to read by the end of the year! The books are listed on the lower right side of my blog.

I read a lot, but inconsistently and very narrowly. So, I am going to get some help with suggestions for the last few so that I can broaden my horizons...

Someone Else's Children

I spent a couple days last week braiding 2 of my little cousins' hair. My cousin has four children, and her brother and his wife were visiting with their two children. Over the course of the couple of days I teased the adults about all of their kids that filled the 2 bedroom apartment. Most of the time I was tired of the noise. But other times, I was filled with an overwhelming desire to go home to my husband and make babies. If only it were that simple. Don't get me wrong, we have the act of making babies down to a pleasurable, magnificent science. But it's the conceiving that hasn't worked for us over the last 6 years. We fluctuate between wanting and not wanting to have children. The wanting is what came first, but after some years, we realized that not having children is also working pretty well for us. We get to spend a lot of time together and do a lot of things people with children either do not have the opportunity to do, or can not do without a lot of planning. But I know we're missing out something, too. Even through all the screaming and turned over cups of red Kool-Aid, there was a sense of family that is a little harder to grasp when there are only two of us. So I sat there, feeling lonely despite the fact that I was surrounded by family and feeling a little empty for not being a part of the "mommy club." But then my father called, and I remembered...