Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Billie Holiday: Screaming the Blues

If there were only one image to describe how I feel, this would be the one.

Lately, I have been trying to figure out how I got here. Here being my life as it stands in this moment. There is a constant pull to be both where I came from and where I'm going. I don't think I can exist in both of the worlds simultaneously. Someone or something will have to give. Up until now I have prided myself on my abilty to slip between the worlds of urban ghetto and academia almost effortlessly, but it's begininning to take a lot more effort. No longer a matter of McMillan vs. Morrison or Black English vs. Standard, my growing inabilty to function in both worlds threatens to negatively impact my marriage and extended familial relationships. Knowing, growing, and living within my urban ghetto birth environment is very important to me. I would even come very close to proclaiming that it is more important to me than academia. I also want very much to stay in touch with this reality, my reality, so that I can better serve those who I intend to serve. But, of course, I also am determined to go places, talk to people, and have experiences that will allow me to give those that I serve the absolute best there is to give. I feel like I am being stretched more than ever. I guess the only reason I'm screaming is because I refuse to give in to one place or the other, one mindset or the other. It'd be so much easier to choose one lifestyle and call it a day. But if I choose academia, there goes my life as I knew it - and loved it. And if I choose urban ghetto, there goes most of my hopes and dreams. Therefore, neither are a option. The only option is to make them coexist.

I just hope I can hold on a lil' while longer so that everything will be alright.

No comments: