Sugar

I'm addicted to it. I admit it. I've been thinking about this 25 pounds I need to lose, and my plan to lose it before school offically starts in September, but it seems unlikely as I can not stop eating sugar. I don't like to be conquered by anything, so this is really starting to bug me.

Losing My Mind

Not even five minutes ago, the eternal question resurfaced: Why *Ivy1*? I am so sick of the bullshit. I am just going to be ornery and answer "Why not?" from now on. Why in the hell is it so hard to understand? I have all of these wonderful, non-defensive answers worked out now (because I have been asked so many times) but at this point I just want to say "because I want to, and that's enough." What is wrong with people? Why must I be mediocre? And when I say mediocre, I am not comparing myself to people who don't want to go to the schools I aspired to go to, I am only comparing myself to myself. Why should I not push myself to my fullest potential? I know, and they know, that I have always wanted to be in a place where I fit in intellectually, where people don't ask silly shit like "why are you reading?" or "are you going to spend all day in the library/book store?" or "when is enough school going to be enough?" or "what does that have to do with your degree?" like the only knowledge I should attempt to acquire is that which is directly related to one freaking degree. Are you kidding me? Some people learn just for the sake of learning. Some people read simply because they can, and it feels good. Some people write because they can't not write. I am one of those people, and I can't wait to sit in a room full of other people who feel the same way. Not people who feel the same way I do about everything in life - hell, it's better when smart people disagree because that's when real discussion happens. But I can't wait to be in a room full of people who don't consider critical thinking to be abnormal. People who are pissed that the library is closing right when the article was getting good, or when they finally found the book they wanted to browse only to find out that it must remain in the library. I want to have coffee with thinkers on a regular basis, and I don't want to spend too many hours of my life trying to coordinate it. Yes, you can call me at 4 in the morning to say "I can't stop thinking about what Cosey said, did you get it?" or "I can't sleep, can u believe what professor X said in class today?" Yeah, I might ask "What time is it?" but I will talk about the topic at hand just the same, and be thankful that you gave me something new to think about.

I swear, people will make you feel like you're crazy if you let them. There aint nuthin wrong with me. I know exactly what I want, and I am not going to be bothered by the fact that it exceeds what you happened to have imagined for me. You should've dreamed bigger.

Vacationing in St. Louis

I spent a week in St. Louis for vacation, dishing it up with cousins who are like sisters to me. This photo, however, is an imposter! I didn't take any pictures over the week. We did attempt to go to the top of the arch, but we never made it up because the lines were too long. But I did touch it, if that means anything. LOL. I had a great time doing everything and nothing all at the same time. Lots of drinking and lots of riding around seeing the sites (happy hour was a staple of our diet!) We also went to Union Station, which I thought was beautiful - especially when compared to East St. Louis...

My cousins live in the burbs, as they are well-educated, young folks who have had their fill of the hoodlife - especially since they're raising children. But they took me to the east side and, like all other similar hoods in our country, it was unbelievably discouraging. Pointing out the clinics, dead hospitals, and Planned Parenthood's along the way (because that's my thing - and theirs too) it was hard to keep in mind that the buildings I saw were actually functioning dwellings. Don't get me wrong, I've seen it before...Chicago and DC come to mind...but the bars, the trash, and the neglect never become normal. It always catches you off guard, like "where are we?" even if only 1 second later you remember that you are in the United States of America. It forced me to reevaluate my coping mechanisms. I have been thinking about/writing about how I will cope with continually being in the position of helping people in the most impoverished parts of our country without losing my joy, when each and everyone one of them will remind me of myself. There is some joy in the helping, but there is also pain and the pain is what kept us from staying too long in that part of town, and why the car gets quiet when we pass through row after row of the 'jects. It is because we all know that but by the grace of God we were granted the state of mind to climb out of, or alltogether avoid, the mentality of powerlessness and victimization that was constantly forced down our throats.

UNO Dean Slaps Student...

and GETS AWAY WITH IT. There is so much I could say, but I recently posted what I think about my undergrad institution in the post titled "Article Published in the School Newspaper." No one is suprised that he hasn't been (and won't be) fired. This is the way this campus works. What I can say is, at this point, I recommend that the student go and slap the shit out this man, since there will be no consequence for the action anyway, right? People will say more violence will not help the situation. I say, if the authorities do not give you the justice you deserve, weigh the consequences, then get it for yourself.

Reading Like Hell

I have been reading anything I can get my hands on, including bell hooks. At different times in my life I have tried reading her work but haven't been able to stay focused long enough to digest anything. For me, she is like Toni Morrison, unavailable, without devoting a serious amount of time to the task of reading her. But the other day I spent almost 8 hours in a bookstore thumbing through several of her books. For those of you who don't know, a lot of her chapters can stand alone, so I often look through the table of contents, pick an interesting chapter title, and dive in. This time, I picked up Where We Stand: Class Matters. I don't know how I feel about the fact that I found this book extremely accessible just yet, but I do know that I had been waiting for something that I could relate to that talks about what it is to come from a class different than the one they eventually settle into as an adult, and about what it is to come from lower-middle class America and survive in ivy academia. I had been thinking about what my experiecnes might be like when the time comes (if it ever comes) for us to buy a home. Will people take one glance at my cornrowed husband and declare that the house has been sold?

My recent devouring of so much text has also reminded me of my own committment to writing. I had already accepted that I have a story worth telling, but I have only begun to accept that not only am I the only one who can tell it, but that I actually have the skills to do it. Being confident in those skills is a double edged sword; Accepting that I can do it, makes me feel obligated to do it, and I hate feeling obligated.

Puerto Ricans say...

"Aint we American?"

I saw Rosie Perez on The View this morning and she said that while Puerto Ricans can be drafted to the American Army (because they're Americans, as Puerto Rico is a U.S. territory) they can't vote. The fact that they can't vote wasn't news to me...but the fact that they *can* be drafted pissed me off. I also hear that this is true of citizens of DC?? I am scrambling to find out the answer to this...

Studying for the Waiver Exam

I have received the syllabus for the A&P class offered at my new school so that I can study to test out of the class. It seems pretty straightforward, and I feel like I should be able to test out of the class. I really want to test out so that I can have at least a little free time to spend with my husband my first semester. I am worried that I am moving him to a new state without any friends or family nearby and that he's going to be all alone while I'm studying 24/7...

Right now I'm setting up a study schedule based on the syllabus and committing to set study times for the next 2 months. I am also gathering the resources I used over the past year in A&P. So that's how I'm going to study.

Anyway. I've been having an interesting ongoing conversation with a friend of mine about going into private practice as a midwife vs. working for a hospital. I am pretty sure that I will work for a hospital, which she, rightfully, calls punching someone's clock. But what's more interesting to me is that I have no desire to have the full responsibility of owning my own practice, even though I obviously have an autonomous mind. (Midwives have great autonomy and personal responsibility, whether they "punch a clock" or not.) I cite not wanting to be on call every hour of my life for the next 20 years as one of the reasons to not go into private practice and I think it's a legitimate concern. But at the back of my mind I can't help but think that I might also be lazy and insecure in my ability to own my own practice, which really, really bugs me...

Spanish or Africa?

I can't decide. I will be studying abroad at some point during my graduate career, and I must choose between working in a spanish-immersion type of environment, or in some part, probably South, Africa. I have been learning French for most of my life, and have never taken a Spanish course. However, I do realize the absolute necessity of learning Spanish as a health care professional. I will take some Spanish courses, but I know from personal experience (and my undergraduate linguistics focus) that immersionis the best way for me to really learn a language. This is why I am considering the Spanish option.

But...I have been wanting to go to Africa for a while now - especially a french-speaking area. The reasons are varied: It seems Africa, as large as the continent is, is forgotten in this world. I really want to go to a place where I can look into the faces of the people and see myself. Yes, I have been able to do this with many different cultures, but I just have a feeling that this will be different...I also want to go to a place where dark is beautiful and big is, too.

Do I choose Spanish, which will be a little more useful long term, or Africa which will also be useful, but also self serving?

Progress...

is hard to come by. A few posts ago I mentioned what I had done in preparation for school, and the dent that it has made in my (and my hubby's) wallet. Today I started thinking about what I have left to do...which isn't unusual because it's all I am able to think about lately. It's probably the reason I ended up totaling my step-dad's car. Sigh.

I still need a PDA, stethoscope, nursing shoes for clinical and, hopefully, a laptop.
I still need to take the American Heart Association's BLS course.
I have three scholarships to apply for. (One is ready for mailing, hooray for small achievements)
I have an apartment's worth of belongings to sort and reduce down to 4 suitcases, each 50lbs or less, and a maximum of three boxes for mailing.

I feel like I'm forgetting something. But it's better forgotten for right now.