A Couple is a Family, too.

My father called and asked "I don't have any grandchildren on the way yet, do I?" with his beautiful laughter. This is the #1 most frequently asked question by me and my husband's families. The words vary ever so slightly (when are ya'll havin kids? why don't ya'll have some kids? what are ya'll waiting for? how long ya'll been married again? when am I going to be an uncle/an aunt/a grandma, great grandma?) I can almost handle those now, but this one I hate: "When are ya'll gonna start a family?"

Arrrrggh. We are a family. Right now, as we are. We don't need to have children to be a family. I have had a brief, but intellectual conversation about this before (afterall, it doesn't take long if you get right down to it) and yes, we realize that we are a "couple," but we also realize that we are a two-person f-a-m-i-l-y. Would we say that a woman and her child are not a family because there are only two of them, and there is no father? No. We (and the imaginary woman and child) eat dinner together, play together, and celebrate holdiays together just like everyone else. I think people forget this when they ask us for stuff. People ask us to do things that they wouldn't dare ask a family with children to do. Like, go to the grocery store for them on Christmas morning. "I couldn't call Eli because her kids are opening their presents" or "I didn't want to bother Viv because she might be getting the kids ready for bed." It never occurs to them that me and my husband might be opening the presents that we got eachother, or that we were in the middle of giving eachother massages. Yes, I realize that we can just turn off the phone, but that's not the point. The point is, we deserve the same respect and consideration as those with children. We are more than willing to lend a hand, and we voluntarily do more than our fair share because we wholeheartedly understand the challenges of raising children and the gift of a little more time that we have been granted because we don't have children. However, please be mindful that one of the very few things that we are allowed in the world of infertility is our time spent alone together, and we don't take kindly to it being abused or taken for granted. We cherish our "family time" just like you.

WOW. That felt good.

A Tribute

Yesterday was my husband's birthday. We had a blast. The best part was the steak, lobster, and shrimp!

We're clicking and vibing more than usual lately (as in the last 6 months). Probably because he's being a lot more responsible than usual, and probably because I've been reading so many articles lately about the state of black men in this country right now that I feel especially blessed to have at least a sane black man. I don't know how he does it. He's more engaged in his life right now than ever, despite the fact that it seems life just keeps getting tougher. I am amazed by his growth and proud to still be married to him despite how many times I've said I'd rather not be. He's smarter than most people realize, more beautiful than any other man I know, and makes me laugh more than anyone else has ever been able to.

God I love this man.

My Birthday Weekend!

I saw my frist Broadway play this past weekend! Saturday was my birthday and we (my husband and me) celebrated in Harlem while visiting a friend. The Color Purple was wonderful. In fact, the whole weekend was beautiful. The whole time I was in the moment of it and I felt like I had arrived at a place in my life that I was waiting to get to. That's weird, but basically for once I was doing something exactly as I had hoped/imagined I would be doing it, with who I imagnied I'd be doing it with in my adult life...instead of waiting to be old enough/rich enough/free enough to do it...the time had finally come, and it felt like it was only the beginning of what my life is finally going to be like...it was so exciting!

This will be a good year for me, I feel it now.

What a Weekend!

I dropped my cousin off to the airport today after a wonderful weekend. I didn't want to see her go. I wish my generation - especially the ones I'm close to - would all live in the same city or at least very, very close to one another...I think our lives would be different, better. When I think about all the Sunday dinners, trips, birthday parties and a million other things that take place in families like mine it makes me wonder how we (my generation) will ever continue those things if we all continue to spread out from eachother. I think if we had of started out somewhere other than Omaha, NE we might have had a chance, but since no one under 40 wants to live in Nebraska we've ended up all over the place. It'd be nice if we could come to a mutual understanding on a general area to live...I miss my people.

Anyway we had a great weekend while it lasted! I had plenty of stuff planned and some downtime, too. We went to the city Saturday and spent the night there with our other cousin and his girlfriend. We ate at P.Diddy's place (Justin's) and at Sylvia's in Harlem. We had good drinks every where we went (we were so sick over the weekend from all of the liquer mixing; we're getting too old for this) We partied at a club called Eugene's and it was great, but scary because they did not obey the maximum capacity rules and eventually we had to leave from fear of being trampled or a fire breaking out...especially since it was clear that some serious weed smoking was going on. And I was made because it cost $30 for girls and $40 for boys to get in and I had to be searched and patted to get in. But the party was worth the pain...even if not worth the money.

For some reason I've been getting hit on a lot lately, and NYC was no different, except the men were so much more aggressive it seemed...there was a lot of "stuck up" "conceited" "bourgeoisie" name calling going on. And I kept thinking, "if you weren't trying to practically have sex with me on the dance floor, I would dance with you more!" I mean, whatever happened to the respectful bump and grind? I turned down a drink from a guy who was too much to handle and he got an attitude...I thought I was being nice...I mean, spend your money on a girl you actually have a chance to take home, or who is at least single...I know these drinks are expensive! (And I can afford my own...but if he had of been a little less aggressive, I would have gotten something)

We also went to a club that was having an African dance party and I got to practice a little French which was fun. My cousin lost her mind in that club! LOL I ain't mad at her though, get it, get it! LOL

It's a Miracle!

We have cable. And a home phone. And .... THE INTERNET! Aren't we progressive? LOL It really is a little shocking that we went this long without it all because we really do like TV, and not having a computer with internet last semester was really a setback. (Did I mention we bought a computer last week?) I mean really, I was missing out on a lot of last minute information before exams because people like to send out emails at 2 am while we're studying...and whenever I needed to use the computer to study I had to go to school for the entire 4 or 5 hour study session. Whether or not I will be able to concentrate enough to actually study home will be another issue...

But I am glad that now I can record all my favorite TV shows while I'm studying, and watch them all on the weekend without any guilt! Oh, and I get to watch Oprah again! I've missed an entire season already! I could have done without the phone, but the package deal was cheaper than the cable and internet alone...I really don't understand that, but whatever.

It's a happy day in this house! Can't wait until the man gets home...he might even drop a tear for the cable - he's been waiting sooo long! LOL

PS: Mama, Oaxaca is in Mexico! (Not *that* far) Go here to learn about it!

I Love Me Some Him

Today is the man's birthday.

For an entire year he has taken care of me as I navigated nursing school. For an entire year he has worked to turn other people's ideas about him on their head. And for an entire year I have been amazed by his strength, his growth, and his ability to provide for me.

I am so thankful.

Back on the Grind

Tomorrow I have class bright and early at 8am. Community Health, followed by Pediatrics, and then Issues in Nursing. I am not looking forward to it - it's too early in the morning. I'm losing steam because it's summer and I'm supposed to be out having so much fun, and not couped up in a windowless room for 7 hours a day. It's just tiring. So, let's have a few more moments of denial:

My neighbor (and good new friend since starting the program) is woman in my class, also in the midwifery specialty. Her husband is starting an accelerated nursing program at a nearby institution tomorrow morning. Isn't that amazing? They have similar backgrounds to my own (except they're Mexican American) and so I understand what this means for them to come from where they come from and be doing what they are doing, it's nothing short of miraculous. So, anyway, she had a surprise party for him tonight to celebrate his getting into the prestigious institution's nursing program and to wish him luck on his first day tomorrow by having all of their friends (both in and outside of nursing school) to come and offer support, encouragement and practical advice for succeeding in school. It was so beautiful, and he was totally surprised. I just kept thinking, love is a beautiful thing. Mexican American love exists, and it's beautiful, too. I hope I keep seeing these things happen around me, from people of all backgrounds; I think it does something for my soul each time, it's like having something greater than yourself to believe in...

She passed out a CD she made for all of the guests as we were leaving:

"Whatever Gets You Through Nursing School & Other Songs to Inspire"

1. Whatever Gets You Through the Night (John Lennon)
2. To Zion (Lauren Hill)
3. Feelin Alright (Joe Cocker)
4. Talk About the Passion (R.E.M.)
5. California Dreamin (The Mamas and The Papas)
6. Stayin Alive (Wyclef Jean)
7. Democracy (Leonard Cohen)
8. Wade in the Water (Various Artists)
9. My Own Two Hands (Ben Harper)
10. Crazy (Alanis Morissete)
11. Run On (Moby)
12. Talkin Bout a Revolution (Tracy Chapman)
13. Hope (Sweet Honey in the Rock)
14. Songs We Sing (Charlotte Gainsbourg)
15. Under Pressure (Queen)
16. September (Earth, Wind, and Fire)
17. Once in a Lifetime (Talking Heads)
18. Lizobuya (Amandala!)

Thank God for people who inspire and uplift you when you need it.

May 17th

Today is our 7th wedding anniversary.
It's been a long road, but it's more than worth it.
Black love exists, and it's beautiful, too.

Someone Else's Children

I spent a couple days last week braiding 2 of my little cousins' hair. My cousin has four children, and her brother and his wife were visiting with their two children. Over the course of the couple of days I teased the adults about all of their kids that filled the 2 bedroom apartment. Most of the time I was tired of the noise. But other times, I was filled with an overwhelming desire to go home to my husband and make babies. If only it were that simple. Don't get me wrong, we have the act of making babies down to a pleasurable, magnificent science. But it's the conceiving that hasn't worked for us over the last 6 years. We fluctuate between wanting and not wanting to have children. The wanting is what came first, but after some years, we realized that not having children is also working pretty well for us. We get to spend a lot of time together and do a lot of things people with children either do not have the opportunity to do, or can not do without a lot of planning. But I know we're missing out something, too. Even through all the screaming and turned over cups of red Kool-Aid, there was a sense of family that is a little harder to grasp when there are only two of us. So I sat there, feeling lonely despite the fact that I was surrounded by family and feeling a little empty for not being a part of the "mommy club." But then my father called, and I remembered...

Vacationing in St. Louis

I spent a week in St. Louis for vacation, dishing it up with cousins who are like sisters to me. This photo, however, is an imposter! I didn't take any pictures over the week. We did attempt to go to the top of the arch, but we never made it up because the lines were too long. But I did touch it, if that means anything. LOL. I had a great time doing everything and nothing all at the same time. Lots of drinking and lots of riding around seeing the sites (happy hour was a staple of our diet!) We also went to Union Station, which I thought was beautiful - especially when compared to East St. Louis...

My cousins live in the burbs, as they are well-educated, young folks who have had their fill of the hoodlife - especially since they're raising children. But they took me to the east side and, like all other similar hoods in our country, it was unbelievably discouraging. Pointing out the clinics, dead hospitals, and Planned Parenthood's along the way (because that's my thing - and theirs too) it was hard to keep in mind that the buildings I saw were actually functioning dwellings. Don't get me wrong, I've seen it before...Chicago and DC come to mind...but the bars, the trash, and the neglect never become normal. It always catches you off guard, like "where are we?" even if only 1 second later you remember that you are in the United States of America. It forced me to reevaluate my coping mechanisms. I have been thinking about/writing about how I will cope with continually being in the position of helping people in the most impoverished parts of our country without losing my joy, when each and everyone one of them will remind me of myself. There is some joy in the helping, but there is also pain and the pain is what kept us from staying too long in that part of town, and why the car gets quiet when we pass through row after row of the 'jects. It is because we all know that but by the grace of God we were granted the state of mind to climb out of, or alltogether avoid, the mentality of powerlessness and victimization that was constantly forced down our throats.

Billie Holiday: Screaming the Blues

If there were only one image to describe how I feel, this would be the one.

Lately, I have been trying to figure out how I got here. Here being my life as it stands in this moment. There is a constant pull to be both where I came from and where I'm going. I don't think I can exist in both of the worlds simultaneously. Someone or something will have to give. Up until now I have prided myself on my abilty to slip between the worlds of urban ghetto and academia almost effortlessly, but it's begininning to take a lot more effort. No longer a matter of McMillan vs. Morrison or Black English vs. Standard, my growing inabilty to function in both worlds threatens to negatively impact my marriage and extended familial relationships. Knowing, growing, and living within my urban ghetto birth environment is very important to me. I would even come very close to proclaiming that it is more important to me than academia. I also want very much to stay in touch with this reality, my reality, so that I can better serve those who I intend to serve. But, of course, I also am determined to go places, talk to people, and have experiences that will allow me to give those that I serve the absolute best there is to give. I feel like I am being stretched more than ever. I guess the only reason I'm screaming is because I refuse to give in to one place or the other, one mindset or the other. It'd be so much easier to choose one lifestyle and call it a day. But if I choose academia, there goes my life as I knew it - and loved it. And if I choose urban ghetto, there goes most of my hopes and dreams. Therefore, neither are a option. The only option is to make them coexist.

I just hope I can hold on a lil' while longer so that everything will be alright.