I have a decision to make. Maybe a week ago I mentioned that I woke up at 4 am with my praxis/thesis topic and emailed a potential advisor about it. Since then I have spoken to others about it and so far it seems to have legs, and I have been given an unofficial go-ahead. We have the choice of doing an aesthetic praxis (a kind of artistic project that demonstrates what you've learned about a topic, which includes some writing) or a thesis (you research a topic in your profession and write about it - but it's much harder than it sounds..see below) or a basic literature review.
At my school, people lean toward literature reviews because they're easier to do. A literature review is where you read up on all of the research that has been done on a vary narrow topic, say "smoking habits of Latino youth from 1980 to the present" and you write a summary of that research (based on the articles you find)...usually the point of this is to lead up to a reason for new research to be conducted, or to introduce your own new research that relates to that topic. This is usually the first step of any research project, whether or not you officially include the full review in your actual research article. (ie: you will do this informally when thinking about researching any topic, but you may not necessarily write up a formal review) One of the reasons this is the top choice for students here is because, unlike other grad programs, we are not given any "time off" (meaning a semester without classes) to do a thesis...whatever project you choose, you will be writing/working on it while you are taking about 5 or 6 classes, and a lit review is the choice most conducive to this situation. You can think of a lit review as the first step of a thesis.
Some people do opt to do a thesis. A thesis is usually written at the end of a masters program to qualify for the degree. Often times you finish writing it after course work is done, but some do it concurrently. It is one (big) step beyond a lit review in that you submit an original idea as the research. There is more than one way to go about this, but for the sake of ease (and my limited time) I'll just say you can do a research project that involves you actually going out an collecting qualitative or quantitative data clinically (ie: interviewing 20-somethings about their choice to have an abortion or keeping track of the number of 17 year olds who have abortions in a specific county over a 6 month period) or you can review data from sources like the US Census or Education Trust Foundation and draw new conclusions about the data they provide. The downside to this project is that it takes a LOT of work - and you still basically have to do a lit review before you get started! And also, we have to do this while we are in (hard) classes. But there are reasons I would choose this project, among them:
1. It's a great way to start your PhD dissertation (if you stick to the same topic, almost half the work is done).
2. It's a published bound work for which you are the sole author.
3. It's respected...serious scholars write theses, and I can't imagine applying to doctoral programs without having done it.
Let me add: Lit reviews are respected as well, and they, too, can be published in journals. But I do think there is a difference!
Lastly, there is the aesthetic praxis. This is what I woke up that morning thinking I would do. A student who is graduating this year did hers on pregnant women and dancing in which (I'm guessing) she reviewed the literature on dancing as exercise or therapeutic for pregnancy and she (I know) choreographed a dance to go with it. Another is doing something with pregnancy photography. I woke up at 4 am saying I'm doing a story quilt on the history of black midwives, a la Faith Ringgold. This would require me to narrow down a specific aspect of this history (ie: history of use of superstition or faith based protocols by black midwives) and review the literature about it (lit review) and then to construct a quilt that includes pictures/painting and the text that I write, especially the connection between quilting and black midwifery. The upside to this project is that I get to combine more than one of my interests and have fun while doing a something that could otherwise be very daunting. If I have to spend over a year of my life with this thing, I want to enjoy the process! But there are down sides, mainly there is the question of whether this is a "respectable" project for someone who is going to continue on to a doctoral program? Although I recognize the work that this project entails, is a doctoral admissions committee going to see it? Or is it going to look like I took an easy, fun way out? Further, is it going to be too black to be universally respected among an academic midwifery audience? In the grand scheme of things this is only one of many, many more research projects to come, but it also my first research project, and I want to be taken seriously.
I don't like that I have to ask these questions. I don't like knowing that if I choose the aesthetic project I am going to have to fight to prove its value (even though this is the whole point of these projects) to a whole bunch of people who won't see it. I don't like feeling like I have to do the hardest project just to prove that I'm supposed to be here. I don't like that we value quantitative or qualitative, sciences over humanities. I don't like how we don't really value art in this country and the resulting obligation I feel to do something more "academic" because of it.
Showing posts with label nursing school. Show all posts
Showing posts with label nursing school. Show all posts
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Sunday, December 10, 2006
“You’re Not Cut Out for Nursing School” Part 2
Here’s what I did after that:
I went to speak with the associate dean (this was like 2 days after the letter, before I had rebuilt my reserve and confidence). She was very supportive, and this is the benefit of having a conscious person of color in administration; They take up the battle for you, and you get to go back to concentrating on yourself. You don’t have to explain all the psychological damage, they already get it…they’ve been through it. You don’t have to convince them that you aren’t crazy – which helps because when something like this happens you really do feel like you’re losing it, and if you’re the kind of person who takes your life seriously (and thinks about it critically) you start to think you might be crazy and you’d have a hard time convincing someone else that you aren’t! She met with me and then met with him to discuss the situation on my behalf…and then encouraged me to meet with him myself later. She also made it concretely clear that I wasn’t leaving the program. But, honestly, I didn’t believe her.
Then, I gathered up all my friends, mostly students of color who I’ve built a very solid community with, and a few others, and explained what was going on. (The associate dean was very concerned about the whole “everyone one is struggling alone” thing) Another student in this little community had also had the same experience, and so there was comfort in that. And basically, they rallied around us and gave an immeasurable amount of support. I can hardly explain it, but it was the difference between trying to push against a closed door by yourself, versus having 5 other people pushing against it with you, if that makes sense. So we discussed a few strategies, made the commitment to check in on each other over the Thanksgiving holiday, and to come back with more ideas on how we could help the two of us get the scores we needed to pass the class and stay in the program. For one of the very first times in my life, here was a group of young black people who really felt like if one of us failed, we all failed, and failure was not an option. Not to be mushy, but I think this is what love looks like when it is separated from romance.
So, I went on break and I spent an enormous amount of time confronting my issues (because no one can make you feel inferior without your consent), rebuilding my confidence (because it was gone), and reassessing and recommitting to my purpose (because it’s the only way to survive this experience, I think). This involved journaling, reading my writing, including my admissions essays, and goal updating/refining. It was hard work, and, honestly, it left me exhausted, which is one of the reasons why I hope I don’t have to do it again soon.
Then I came back to school (somewhat renewed, but still a little worried, obviously) and, as promised, my friends’ suggestions started pouring in. I received a total of 36 emails in a weeks time, all concerning Biomed. I studied with different people, I was quizzed by different people, and I took the advice of every person seriously. Then I met with the professor and analyzed my last two tests. I told him my concerns and cornered him about the material a million times (Like: “Why is this the answer instead of this, when these two things are exactly the same?” or “You said to study these objectives, but the answers to the practice questions you posted do not come from these objectives, where do they come from?”) Then I took the test…early…in a room by myself, and I asked him questions during the exam, which I had never done before (thanks for that advice, K) and found that it is absolutely necessary to do so in order to get the grade you deserve. I think this is very, very problematic, but that’s for another post, another day. What matters in this moment, for this post, is this:
I needed a 77, but I got a 90.
Don’t put me in a box, don’t underestimate me, and don’t think you know me. I am serious about this thing I’m doing, and I don’t intend to change my goals based on your limited knowledge of who you think I am or what you think I can achieve. And what’s even better, my friends refuse to look up one day only to realize that one of us didn’t make it – and I am learning that of all the things that went right with this experience, that one has had the greatest impact.
I went to speak with the associate dean (this was like 2 days after the letter, before I had rebuilt my reserve and confidence). She was very supportive, and this is the benefit of having a conscious person of color in administration; They take up the battle for you, and you get to go back to concentrating on yourself. You don’t have to explain all the psychological damage, they already get it…they’ve been through it. You don’t have to convince them that you aren’t crazy – which helps because when something like this happens you really do feel like you’re losing it, and if you’re the kind of person who takes your life seriously (and thinks about it critically) you start to think you might be crazy and you’d have a hard time convincing someone else that you aren’t! She met with me and then met with him to discuss the situation on my behalf…and then encouraged me to meet with him myself later. She also made it concretely clear that I wasn’t leaving the program. But, honestly, I didn’t believe her.
Then, I gathered up all my friends, mostly students of color who I’ve built a very solid community with, and a few others, and explained what was going on. (The associate dean was very concerned about the whole “everyone one is struggling alone” thing) Another student in this little community had also had the same experience, and so there was comfort in that. And basically, they rallied around us and gave an immeasurable amount of support. I can hardly explain it, but it was the difference between trying to push against a closed door by yourself, versus having 5 other people pushing against it with you, if that makes sense. So we discussed a few strategies, made the commitment to check in on each other over the Thanksgiving holiday, and to come back with more ideas on how we could help the two of us get the scores we needed to pass the class and stay in the program. For one of the very first times in my life, here was a group of young black people who really felt like if one of us failed, we all failed, and failure was not an option. Not to be mushy, but I think this is what love looks like when it is separated from romance.
So, I went on break and I spent an enormous amount of time confronting my issues (because no one can make you feel inferior without your consent), rebuilding my confidence (because it was gone), and reassessing and recommitting to my purpose (because it’s the only way to survive this experience, I think). This involved journaling, reading my writing, including my admissions essays, and goal updating/refining. It was hard work, and, honestly, it left me exhausted, which is one of the reasons why I hope I don’t have to do it again soon.
Then I came back to school (somewhat renewed, but still a little worried, obviously) and, as promised, my friends’ suggestions started pouring in. I received a total of 36 emails in a weeks time, all concerning Biomed. I studied with different people, I was quizzed by different people, and I took the advice of every person seriously. Then I met with the professor and analyzed my last two tests. I told him my concerns and cornered him about the material a million times (Like: “Why is this the answer instead of this, when these two things are exactly the same?” or “You said to study these objectives, but the answers to the practice questions you posted do not come from these objectives, where do they come from?”) Then I took the test…early…in a room by myself, and I asked him questions during the exam, which I had never done before (thanks for that advice, K) and found that it is absolutely necessary to do so in order to get the grade you deserve. I think this is very, very problematic, but that’s for another post, another day. What matters in this moment, for this post, is this:
I needed a 77, but I got a 90.
Don’t put me in a box, don’t underestimate me, and don’t think you know me. I am serious about this thing I’m doing, and I don’t intend to change my goals based on your limited knowledge of who you think I am or what you think I can achieve. And what’s even better, my friends refuse to look up one day only to realize that one of us didn’t make it – and I am learning that of all the things that went right with this experience, that one has had the greatest impact.
Friday, December 08, 2006
"You're Not Cut Out for Nursing School" Part 1
So, here’s what happened:
Three weeks ago, on Wednesday November 15th (the day I wrote the “Creative Writing” post) also the day before my big Med Surg exam, my Biomed professor emailed me a letter suggesting that I withdraw from the program, take an A&P class, and try again next year. Or, if I wanted to, I could continue in the class. Hello??!! If I want to?!? Seriously.
It took me a minute to actually realize it was happening. He sent it to me so casually. The first thing I said aloud (in the library, sitting next to a friend) was “and you’re emailing this to me?!” Almost on cue, I received another email from him that said the hard copy would be in my mailbox, and good luck with my Med Surg exam. I’m thinking, ok so you did in fact know that I had a huge exam the next day…did you not think this would negatively impact my ability to concentrate on that…or did you simply not care…or are you angry because people like her class better than yours? But whatever, in that moment I decided not to go to my creative writing thing (in my opinion, electives are not an option if you aren’t passing the fundamentals) and had to relinquish my spot to someone else. I really wanted to participate in that workshop but, again, whatever.
This is why I was so angry:
1. I went to him after I failed the first exam, and he brushed me off, and told me “don’t worry about it, a lot of people failed it – go talk to the TA.” Ok, so, I tried not to worry about it, and went and talked to the TA like he told me to. That was disastrous. She told me that the reason I wasn’t doing well in his class was probably because I had an “attitude” toward him. Right then and there, I was done with her silly self. Whether he is good professor or not (he’s not) and whether I like him or not, I came to you to get assistance with the course, so how about you help me with the material, instead of critiquing what you think my attitude toward him is or should be. And, her advice was terrible. I did what she suggested because I thought, ok-maybe she knows something I don’t since she passed the class last year. The result of that faulty study technique was that I failed the second exam with a score even lower than I failed the first. Needless to say, meeting with her is no longer an option for me.
2. He did not EVER meet with me before he sent out the letter. I think the least he could have done was to meet with me and voice his concerns, and maybe even give me a head’s up that the letter was coming. It seems to me that there is just a way to do things, and that wasn’t it. Especially since the letter was also forwarded/cc’d to all the deans, too. How unprofessional.
3. Wouldn’t it have made sense to actually look at my file before suggesting that I take a year off to take A&P when I already took a year of A&P and am currently in the university’s A&P course? No, sir, taking yet another year of A&P is not going to help me. The letter also gave some suggestions for how I might be able to improve my grade if I was going to remain in the class. Again, these suggestions were uninformed. 5 of the 7 were things I was already doing! (ie: come to class, tape the lectures, meet with the TA) The last two things had to do with test taking (take the test in a room by myself, and I could have longer to take the exam). The exam is forty questions long and we already have 2 hours…time was never an issue. These were all things that could have been discussed, had he been willing to meet with me.
And lastly (and most importantly)…Who the hell are you to suggest I leave the program before I have even failed the class? What makes you think that I can not pull myself out of a hole, especially when all I need is 77 on the exam? How can you possibly say (and write down) that you don’t think it is possible for me to get the 77 I need - you don’t know me, or anything about me.
You might think you know but, clearly, you have no friggin’ idea.
It took me weeks of processing to understand it totally, even though I had H in my ear telling it to me all along (thanks H) but I finally organized it in my brain, and hopefully I won’t have to relearn/reconvince myself after this, because honestly it takes too much time. But basically, it came down to this:
When or if I leave this place it will be because I say so, and for no other reason. I will not be intimidated or otherwise coerced into defeat by him or any other person who is not wise enough to recognize my committment to my purpose in this world.
Three weeks ago, on Wednesday November 15th (the day I wrote the “Creative Writing” post) also the day before my big Med Surg exam, my Biomed professor emailed me a letter suggesting that I withdraw from the program, take an A&P class, and try again next year. Or, if I wanted to, I could continue in the class. Hello??!! If I want to?!? Seriously.
It took me a minute to actually realize it was happening. He sent it to me so casually. The first thing I said aloud (in the library, sitting next to a friend) was “and you’re emailing this to me?!” Almost on cue, I received another email from him that said the hard copy would be in my mailbox, and good luck with my Med Surg exam. I’m thinking, ok so you did in fact know that I had a huge exam the next day…did you not think this would negatively impact my ability to concentrate on that…or did you simply not care…or are you angry because people like her class better than yours? But whatever, in that moment I decided not to go to my creative writing thing (in my opinion, electives are not an option if you aren’t passing the fundamentals) and had to relinquish my spot to someone else. I really wanted to participate in that workshop but, again, whatever.
This is why I was so angry:
1. I went to him after I failed the first exam, and he brushed me off, and told me “don’t worry about it, a lot of people failed it – go talk to the TA.” Ok, so, I tried not to worry about it, and went and talked to the TA like he told me to. That was disastrous. She told me that the reason I wasn’t doing well in his class was probably because I had an “attitude” toward him. Right then and there, I was done with her silly self. Whether he is good professor or not (he’s not) and whether I like him or not, I came to you to get assistance with the course, so how about you help me with the material, instead of critiquing what you think my attitude toward him is or should be. And, her advice was terrible. I did what she suggested because I thought, ok-maybe she knows something I don’t since she passed the class last year. The result of that faulty study technique was that I failed the second exam with a score even lower than I failed the first. Needless to say, meeting with her is no longer an option for me.
2. He did not EVER meet with me before he sent out the letter. I think the least he could have done was to meet with me and voice his concerns, and maybe even give me a head’s up that the letter was coming. It seems to me that there is just a way to do things, and that wasn’t it. Especially since the letter was also forwarded/cc’d to all the deans, too. How unprofessional.
3. Wouldn’t it have made sense to actually look at my file before suggesting that I take a year off to take A&P when I already took a year of A&P and am currently in the university’s A&P course? No, sir, taking yet another year of A&P is not going to help me. The letter also gave some suggestions for how I might be able to improve my grade if I was going to remain in the class. Again, these suggestions were uninformed. 5 of the 7 were things I was already doing! (ie: come to class, tape the lectures, meet with the TA) The last two things had to do with test taking (take the test in a room by myself, and I could have longer to take the exam). The exam is forty questions long and we already have 2 hours…time was never an issue. These were all things that could have been discussed, had he been willing to meet with me.
And lastly (and most importantly)…Who the hell are you to suggest I leave the program before I have even failed the class? What makes you think that I can not pull myself out of a hole, especially when all I need is 77 on the exam? How can you possibly say (and write down) that you don’t think it is possible for me to get the 77 I need - you don’t know me, or anything about me.
You might think you know but, clearly, you have no friggin’ idea.
It took me weeks of processing to understand it totally, even though I had H in my ear telling it to me all along (thanks H) but I finally organized it in my brain, and hopefully I won’t have to relearn/reconvince myself after this, because honestly it takes too much time. But basically, it came down to this:
When or if I leave this place it will be because I say so, and for no other reason. I will not be intimidated or otherwise coerced into defeat by him or any other person who is not wise enough to recognize my committment to my purpose in this world.
Friday, November 10, 2006
Next Exam
Does it seem like I'm living exam to exam? You're not going crazy, it's true, I am. It's a strange month. I have a med surg exam Thursday. Yes, I had a biomed exam yesterday, and a pharm exam the Thursday before that, but who's counting? (I am, LOL)
I'm doing a lot of laughing. In fact, I feel loopy. Like I'm losing it, going crazy, smiling all the time like I'm drugged and don't know that I'm being hazed and that I'm supposed to be falling under the crushing pressure. LOL My friends blow me kisses in the hallway, one of us at each end with arms open wide, taking me in - "Oh you had bio med today, I just know you rocked it" with a sarcastic wink. Then they notice you're in your uniform and they say "clincal tonight, too?" - hugging me like I'm going off to battle - like we're in some ghetto version of a sweeping epic like Gone With the Wind. And you make the "I hate life" face and they say "have fun, 5 more weeks" as you continue walking, feeling blessed to have someone put the "just 5 more weeks" chant in your head. And then you turn around and yell, because you forgot to ask (this is how life is right now), "Oh shyt, how was your physical assessment check off yesterday?" And they toss their head back and laugh because they are a third-year and they no longer get stressed because they've already reached the maximum capacity for stress, so now they just go through the day with cheshire cat grins and drunken-ish sways - even if it didn't necessarily go well. Besides, what can they do about it now? They're loopy, too.
My med surg professor emailed us today. I know she's a little worried about the amount of information on this test, you can hear it in her voice when she talks to us, her boding tells me that I better not rest until Thanksgiving. But some idiot decided that we should have our 3rd pharm exam the Thursday we come back from Thanksgiving break, so really there won't even be rest then. At least I'll have some turkey and mac-n-cheese to snack on while studying. It'll be so much better than ham sandwiches or whatever else I usually eat in the absence of being able to bring cooked food into the library.
Can I tell you a secret?
(Of course I can, it's my blog!)
Here's the secret--------------> I'm loving it.
How insane does one have to be to love this madness? Who wants to have someone constantly reminding them that they don't know a damn thing about oncological disease, but, yes, your test is still on Thursday. Or, I know we didn't get a chance to cover universal precautions in MRSA patients, but, yes, it's still on your test, with a hearty helping of "I suggest you read up on that" at the end. I know that must sound crazy. But I am in love with being in charge of my own learning. I am in love with having to manipulate information until it no longer resembles what you thought it was supposed to. Building up a diagnosis (a nursing one, no less) and creating a plan of care based on that diagnosis, and then meeting the patient who bursts your bubble because while, yes, she knows cocaine is bad for her, no, she will not be taking your advice to go to rehab, nor any of your other "crazy" patient-teaching suggestions because she's a grown azz woman and doesn't want to hear your young azz telling her what to do. And, she "aint come in here for that noway." Now could you kindly give her an asthma treatment so she can get back to her 4 children who need their school clothes ironed, and her job - as a home health care aid, no less? Yes mam, I can. But first, let me tell you I know what "speedball" is, so let me at least tell you how to be safe. Did you know you can get free needles (up to ten at one time) at the pharmacy, without a prescription? "For real?" "Yes, maam, for real. So be safe."
It could have driven me nuts (last night's clinical), but, like I said, I'm loopy, and on a "this is what feels like to learn" high.
Monday, November 06, 2006
Crunch Time
Today when I walked into the reference room/quiet study/mini library, a girl was having a breakdown. Two classmates were trying to support her, but it was emotionally very hard to watch. I understand. The pressure is tremendous and people are very, very far from home or friends, and it's hard. I wouldn't say it's the hardest thing I've ever done, but it is very quickly approaching that extreme. Several classmates have gone to the doctor/NP and been prescribed medications to help them deal with things like depression and anxiety, and people are having panic attacks. It makes me wonder about the culture of nursing school. I know all nursing schools aren't this way, and I think these "incidents" have a lot to do with the program being accelerated more than anything else. But I wonder if they shouldn't do some kinds of stress assessments as part of the interview process? What is the consequence of this stress for people who come from cultures with strong stigmas attached to taking medications for mental health issues or even going to have their mental health assessed? Historically black women have had a hard time recognizing depression, as I'm sure other cultures have. If we aren't going to speak to mental health professionals (why aren't we) what are we doing to cope?
It's crunch time (I have a BIOMED TEST this week) and I find myself going a little nuts...I'll keep you updated...
It's crunch time (I have a BIOMED TEST this week) and I find myself going a little nuts...I'll keep you updated...
Monday, October 23, 2006
I Always Say
...I miss fat people. Well, I have the perfect example to illustrate why that is:
Last wednesday evening, I was studying for the 2nd med surg exam with my student mentor, who also happens to be the TA for the course. Her friend and roomate is the only big girl in their class of 60+. (I am the only big girl in my class of 80+) And let me just say, by "big" I mean "not skinny, and a little past thick," or for those of you who don't mind the term, FAT. Anyway, this big girl came over to us and was distraught. For real. Why? Because someone had the audacity to come up to her and her physical assessment partner and tell her partner that he shouldn't do his physical assessment (which included a breast exam) on her because the bigger the person is, the more time it takes to do the assessment, and if you don't finish the assessment in the allotted amount of time, you get docked points. And he was risking points by choosing her as a lab partner because she was big, and her breasts were big. (This all happened a few feet away from me)
Now. Ok. This is true, it takes a little more time to do an assessment on a fat person because (duh) there's fat covering their entire body. So, when you're feeling around the stomach for example, you gotta press harder, and sometimes you still don't feel what you're looking for. It is especially hard to palpate (feel) for the liver and bladder when someone has a lot of adipose tissue (fat) or sometimes hearing the heartbeat is a little harder because (duh) the stethoscope can be much farther away from the heart depending on the amount of fat or skin. But even with that, we're talking a significant amount of fat, which no one in this program is big enough for this to be the issue. It's the difference between doing a breast exam on a small breast and a large breast - there's more breast to assess, if that makes sense.
Regardless:
1. This is the most skewed cross-section of a population I've ever seen. There are more pre-pubescent body types in our class than in an issue of 17 magazine. So here we are doing all these practice exams on people with no body fat at all, when the US population more often has a little fat than not. People had better get used to touching/feeling fat people. The day when you simply pretend they didn't exist is long gone for you, future NP. Everyday you will be confronted with us, and I dare you to act like you don't want to touch my skin.
2. Who the hell are you to walk up to two people who aren't even talking to you and voice your idiotic opinion to make some one feel inferior? Yes, I know we have the cute little saying that no one can make you feel inferior with out your consent, but I'm here to tell you, words hurt even the strong and the brave, sometimes. Hell, my feelings were hurt, and she wasn't even talking to me. Just from one fat girl to another.
3. Why the hell are we being so competitive? It's a freaking POINT. Isn't the measly point worth getting hands-on experience with someone whose body type actually mimics the actual patient population?
4. It's a d-e-m-o-n-s-t-r-a-t-i-o-n, meaning, you aren't actually trying to find something wrong, you are simply trying to demonstrate that you know *how* to look for something, you aren't actually assessing whether the person has a S3 heart sound, just that you know *where* and *how* you would put the stethoscope to hear it. So, really, you aren't spending that many more seconds than anyone else.
Maybe people are wondering why this matters so much to me. It matters because the lack of diverse body types is sometimes isolating in itself. But to have someone actually think they can actually walk up and comment on your weight/size/shape is especially troubling. I know we spend a lot of time assessing health, so it's only natural to observe those right in front of you, but there has to be respect. Being fat (or black, or jewish or anything else) does not mean that you have the right to inspect, evaluate or *touch* yes, I said touch! me. And, if you do decide to interrupt my private conversation and make a a comment *about* me, please have the decency of saying it *to* me, instead of talking about me, right in front of me, as though I am invisible.
I wanted to say something to the girl who made this comment, but I can't fight other people's battles for them.
I wanted to post something else today. I am reading Alice Walker right now, and realize that something is about to change in me. But now, I don't have the time.
Last wednesday evening, I was studying for the 2nd med surg exam with my student mentor, who also happens to be the TA for the course. Her friend and roomate is the only big girl in their class of 60+. (I am the only big girl in my class of 80+) And let me just say, by "big" I mean "not skinny, and a little past thick," or for those of you who don't mind the term, FAT. Anyway, this big girl came over to us and was distraught. For real. Why? Because someone had the audacity to come up to her and her physical assessment partner and tell her partner that he shouldn't do his physical assessment (which included a breast exam) on her because the bigger the person is, the more time it takes to do the assessment, and if you don't finish the assessment in the allotted amount of time, you get docked points. And he was risking points by choosing her as a lab partner because she was big, and her breasts were big. (This all happened a few feet away from me)
Now. Ok. This is true, it takes a little more time to do an assessment on a fat person because (duh) there's fat covering their entire body. So, when you're feeling around the stomach for example, you gotta press harder, and sometimes you still don't feel what you're looking for. It is especially hard to palpate (feel) for the liver and bladder when someone has a lot of adipose tissue (fat) or sometimes hearing the heartbeat is a little harder because (duh) the stethoscope can be much farther away from the heart depending on the amount of fat or skin. But even with that, we're talking a significant amount of fat, which no one in this program is big enough for this to be the issue. It's the difference between doing a breast exam on a small breast and a large breast - there's more breast to assess, if that makes sense.
Regardless:
1. This is the most skewed cross-section of a population I've ever seen. There are more pre-pubescent body types in our class than in an issue of 17 magazine. So here we are doing all these practice exams on people with no body fat at all, when the US population more often has a little fat than not. People had better get used to touching/feeling fat people. The day when you simply pretend they didn't exist is long gone for you, future NP. Everyday you will be confronted with us, and I dare you to act like you don't want to touch my skin.
2. Who the hell are you to walk up to two people who aren't even talking to you and voice your idiotic opinion to make some one feel inferior? Yes, I know we have the cute little saying that no one can make you feel inferior with out your consent, but I'm here to tell you, words hurt even the strong and the brave, sometimes. Hell, my feelings were hurt, and she wasn't even talking to me. Just from one fat girl to another.
3. Why the hell are we being so competitive? It's a freaking POINT. Isn't the measly point worth getting hands-on experience with someone whose body type actually mimics the actual patient population?
4. It's a d-e-m-o-n-s-t-r-a-t-i-o-n, meaning, you aren't actually trying to find something wrong, you are simply trying to demonstrate that you know *how* to look for something, you aren't actually assessing whether the person has a S3 heart sound, just that you know *where* and *how* you would put the stethoscope to hear it. So, really, you aren't spending that many more seconds than anyone else.
Maybe people are wondering why this matters so much to me. It matters because the lack of diverse body types is sometimes isolating in itself. But to have someone actually think they can actually walk up and comment on your weight/size/shape is especially troubling. I know we spend a lot of time assessing health, so it's only natural to observe those right in front of you, but there has to be respect. Being fat (or black, or jewish or anything else) does not mean that you have the right to inspect, evaluate or *touch* yes, I said touch! me. And, if you do decide to interrupt my private conversation and make a a comment *about* me, please have the decency of saying it *to* me, instead of talking about me, right in front of me, as though I am invisible.
I wanted to say something to the girl who made this comment, but I can't fight other people's battles for them.
I wanted to post something else today. I am reading Alice Walker right now, and realize that something is about to change in me. But now, I don't have the time.
Monday, October 16, 2006
Odds and Ends 2 (or Three)
I spent the weekend tending to myself as much as possible (outside of a test review session on Saturday, studying for a couple hours each day, and a million freaking flashcards).
Friday, I skipped happy hour and went to a film festival at a museum to see a documentary. It was an excellent film about a family trying to move out of some housing projects into their own home. It really was excellent. It made me think about the mentality of poverty and how if you're only used to people taking advantage of you, how will you ever trust anyone enough to allow them to do something really positive for you, like help you buy a home. You're always looking for the catch. And usually there is one, but not always. It made me wonder how come more programs like the one featured in the film (home-ownership programs) were not being utilized if they cost less than public housing to run. In the back of mind I hear "conspiracy," but I am trying to not see it that way because that leaves a sinking hole in my stomach and that's the last kind of feeling I want to deal with right now. It's one of those "call to action" type things, and I just cannot be called to any other actions outside of nursing school right now!
I also finished last season's Desperate Housewives so that I was all caught up for last night's episode, and watched one of my new favs, "Brothers and Sisters." I should take a minute to talk about my disgust at the images of black men on Desperate Housewives last season, but I don't have the energy.
I also had a very interesting conversation with someone about judgement this weekend. Ever since I got here and have been vocal about not liking a local specialty food mart (ie; organic, health mart) people have taken that as license to discuss what they perceive my eating habits to be. This ticks me off beyond belief. So now it's all about Kool-Aid jokes (one of the items I mentioned I couldn't get at said specialty mart) and how me and my husband are gonna die of diabetes (a recent lecture was on diabetes and DKA) NO KIDDING, someone actually said this to me. Needless to say, I went off. I had been keeping my mouth shut because I didn't want to be defensive about it, but once you think you can tell me when and how me and my husband are going to die, all bets are off. So, I got on my soapbox. Is this how you're going to talk to your patients? If so, say goodbye to continuity of care because I guarantee you they aren't coming back to your office. How do you know what my health outcome is before you've even asked ONE question? How do you know that my Kool-Aid isn't sweetened with Equal or Splenda? How do you know that 2 quarts lasts me a week and a half? We have to be very careful about making a diagnosis about someone just by looking at them! "Well, it's also genetic, so since you're dad has it, so will you." Careful, careful, I do believe that in order for me to aquire a disease *genetically* I must be *genetically* related to the person...I am not *genetically* related to my "dad" (because he's my stepdad) and if you had of taken the time to ASK me ONE question, you might have known that, and thereby been able to keep from putting your foot in your mouth! So, that's what the hell I'm dealing with in my classmates.
Like I've said a million times, I miss fat people. Brown people. Poor people. I hope they all contract Ecoli from their lettuce and spinanch. LOL Nah, I'm just kidding, but I do hope they learn to be less judgemental...
Friday, I skipped happy hour and went to a film festival at a museum to see a documentary. It was an excellent film about a family trying to move out of some housing projects into their own home. It really was excellent. It made me think about the mentality of poverty and how if you're only used to people taking advantage of you, how will you ever trust anyone enough to allow them to do something really positive for you, like help you buy a home. You're always looking for the catch. And usually there is one, but not always. It made me wonder how come more programs like the one featured in the film (home-ownership programs) were not being utilized if they cost less than public housing to run. In the back of mind I hear "conspiracy," but I am trying to not see it that way because that leaves a sinking hole in my stomach and that's the last kind of feeling I want to deal with right now. It's one of those "call to action" type things, and I just cannot be called to any other actions outside of nursing school right now!
I also finished last season's Desperate Housewives so that I was all caught up for last night's episode, and watched one of my new favs, "Brothers and Sisters." I should take a minute to talk about my disgust at the images of black men on Desperate Housewives last season, but I don't have the energy.
I also had a very interesting conversation with someone about judgement this weekend. Ever since I got here and have been vocal about not liking a local specialty food mart (ie; organic, health mart) people have taken that as license to discuss what they perceive my eating habits to be. This ticks me off beyond belief. So now it's all about Kool-Aid jokes (one of the items I mentioned I couldn't get at said specialty mart) and how me and my husband are gonna die of diabetes (a recent lecture was on diabetes and DKA) NO KIDDING, someone actually said this to me. Needless to say, I went off. I had been keeping my mouth shut because I didn't want to be defensive about it, but once you think you can tell me when and how me and my husband are going to die, all bets are off. So, I got on my soapbox. Is this how you're going to talk to your patients? If so, say goodbye to continuity of care because I guarantee you they aren't coming back to your office. How do you know what my health outcome is before you've even asked ONE question? How do you know that my Kool-Aid isn't sweetened with Equal or Splenda? How do you know that 2 quarts lasts me a week and a half? We have to be very careful about making a diagnosis about someone just by looking at them! "Well, it's also genetic, so since you're dad has it, so will you." Careful, careful, I do believe that in order for me to aquire a disease *genetically* I must be *genetically* related to the person...I am not *genetically* related to my "dad" (because he's my stepdad) and if you had of taken the time to ASK me ONE question, you might have known that, and thereby been able to keep from putting your foot in your mouth! So, that's what the hell I'm dealing with in my classmates.
Like I've said a million times, I miss fat people. Brown people. Poor people. I hope they all contract Ecoli from their lettuce and spinanch. LOL Nah, I'm just kidding, but I do hope they learn to be less judgemental...
Saturday, September 23, 2006
A Week Ago...
I could tell you what day it was, what I had for dinner the night before, and what my husband said five minutes before. Today, I couldn't do any of that. See the guy on the left? That's what I feel like. Tired. I wake up not remembering that I went to sleep, feeling like it's time for bed. In my sleep, I dream med surg. Hypokalemia, hyperkalemia, aldosterone, ADH, Lasix and the list goes on and on and on. Tuesday was my first day of clinical. I'll tell you about it in a minute. But Tuesday night was hell night. Hell night is the night you write your first care plan. It takes you hours. HOURS. And then when (if) you finally go to bed, you have to wake up at 5:30 am to start clinical all over again. I can't explain to you how hard it is to write a careplan when you've never written one before. But here's a web example: careplanApparently all schools do not require this level of depth, but mine does. Our careplans also have background info about the patient, including every single drug he or she is on - including the class (type) the drug belongs to, the signs and syptoms of use, the adverse effects expected, and the rationale for why he or she is on the drug. It would also include all the lab info about the patient (what tests he/she had done, why, and what the results were). And it's even more complicated because at this point in our education we usually have to look up every single abbreviation, and we don't know anything about drugs. Makes for a long night.
Anyway, I survived it, and even lived to tell about it. I have to do it all over again this week, and every week for the next ten months, but I hear it gets a lot easier as you start to learn / memorize everything.
As far as clinical goes: I hated it. I am not a med surg kind of girl. Too many men. Point me to a cervix owner. Washing "her" is like washing myself. But washing "him" is foreign. The guys in our program needed additional info about the whole "never wash from back to front" thing, and now I understand their pain. My first patient was in for a lobectomy. That is, he had part of his lung removed. 1 pack per day x 34 years = LUNG CANCER. Please stop smoking people. He was very combative. He had just been treated for tongue cancer. He was less than 50 years old, and both of his parents had died of cancer. He had no insurance and no medicare. All of that equals COMBATIVE. But I understand. What paralyzed me though, was opening the chart and seeing "Hep C positive." I was trying to maintain my composure, but all I was thinking was "God, get me the hell away from here." Everywhere I looked there were only small and medium gloves. I need a large or extra large. Everything moved in slow motion from that moment forward. If you ever get stuck with an HIV needle, there are anaphylactic drugs. If you come across Hep C, you're screwed. So here I am trying not to be an ass, remembering that Hep C is not airborne. Intellectually, I am going through the precautions in my head and being very careful physically (with gloves). But emotionally, internally I am f-r-e-a-k-i-n-g- o-u-t. So med surg just isn't my thing. Honestly, I rather eat a pot of beans, and anybody who knows me knows just how much I hate beans.
But I digress (slightly). Right now, for most of the night, and all of tomorrow too, I am going to study. My first med surg exam is Monday. Of course I am freaking out.
I rarely answer my phone anymore, and I don't return the calls I ignore. But I *am* homesick. Homesick for fat people. People who eat meat. People with nappy hair. People who know me. But if I don't call you, or you call me and I don't answer, don't take it personally. Right now you would have to have given birth to me for me to answer the phone...or have been born to the same woman who gave birth to me. Otherwise, I'll call you Tuesday. Or Wednesday. Maybe.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
OMG
This is an unbelieveable shitload of work. (sorry mama) But, for real, it's un-godly. I was as prepared as I could be before I came here, but this is mentally exhausting. I am trying to think of a way to explain to you all what the work load is like, but it's confusing. People have asked me what a typical day is like, but there are no typical days. As soon as you think you've gotten a routine down, it changes, and that's really hard for an organized, logically thinking person to get used to.
Just as soon as you think you've learned even the smallest nugget of information, you realize you don't know anything about it. So far I have learned (or, more acurately, been taught) the "nursing process," basic assessment, holistic nursing care, fluid & electrolyte balance (you would not believe how much there is to know about this, and it was all cramed into a two-lecture series), more than I ever, ever, ever wanted to know about the heart (with yet another lecture to come), edema, edema, and more edema and guess what. I learned all that in only 4 lectures of MED SURG class. There are 3 more classes that I could rattle off equally long lists for. (Pharmacology, Biomed, and Anatomy/Physiology) All that in 7 days of class. Not to mention the hands-on stuff we learn daily (blood pressures, temps, pulses, bed baths, restraints, how to make those darn "hospital corners." Did you just click on that link? Did you see how somebody turned making a bed into a damn 50-step process? Welcome to nursing school. All of a sudden, people who were perfectly capable of taking someone's temperature are completely clueless because someone turned that simple procedure into a 20 step process. So now you have a room full of A-type personalities and make them absolutely neurotic with details. (and did I mention we all have at least one degree? which means that we already think we should know how to do everything, lol) I also learned that my med surg (BTW, this is pronounced "med-Surge") teacher writes NCLEX questions. Everyone let out a collective "ohhhh" today because now we understand why her questions are so damn hard.
Added to the list of unbelievables is that I start clinical in less than a week. On a cardiac floor. I pray they don't let me anywhere near a patient.
Just as soon as you think you've learned even the smallest nugget of information, you realize you don't know anything about it. So far I have learned (or, more acurately, been taught) the "nursing process," basic assessment, holistic nursing care, fluid & electrolyte balance (you would not believe how much there is to know about this, and it was all cramed into a two-lecture series), more than I ever, ever, ever wanted to know about the heart (with yet another lecture to come), edema, edema, and more edema and guess what. I learned all that in only 4 lectures of MED SURG class. There are 3 more classes that I could rattle off equally long lists for. (Pharmacology, Biomed, and Anatomy/Physiology) All that in 7 days of class. Not to mention the hands-on stuff we learn daily (blood pressures, temps, pulses, bed baths, restraints, how to make those darn "hospital corners." Did you just click on that link? Did you see how somebody turned making a bed into a damn 50-step process? Welcome to nursing school. All of a sudden, people who were perfectly capable of taking someone's temperature are completely clueless because someone turned that simple procedure into a 20 step process. So now you have a room full of A-type personalities and make them absolutely neurotic with details. (and did I mention we all have at least one degree? which means that we already think we should know how to do everything, lol) I also learned that my med surg (BTW, this is pronounced "med-Surge") teacher writes NCLEX questions. Everyone let out a collective "ohhhh" today because now we understand why her questions are so damn hard.
Added to the list of unbelievables is that I start clinical in less than a week. On a cardiac floor. I pray they don't let me anywhere near a patient.
Sunday, September 03, 2006
Campus Climate
I want to say a little bit about the campus climate as I see it so far (within the school of nursing). In one word: COMMUNITY. It's a beautiful thing. Now, I understand that this is the honeymoon period, and it's highly likely that if you ask me about my school a month from now I will probably scream that I hate it here and I just want to come home, but right now it's awesome and I want to have some written record of how awesome I think it is, so that later when I ask myself "why are you paying $70,000 to this place?" I will remember!
1st things First: DIVERSITY! It exists! After visiting the school earlier this year and meeting with the students of color who were currently enrolled at the school, I was a little worried because there was NOT much diversity and the few students that were here were the "only one" in their specialty (ie: the only one in Midwifery, or the only one in Oncology) which isn't good because after this first year we aren't all together anymore - we're only with other students in our specialty. So, imagine my suprise to see so many students of color! There are about 100 entering students, and of that 100, probably 15 are underrepresented minority (Black, African, Native-American, and Latino) including a black male and two Native American women, which I think is very impressive when you consider there are only a hundred of us. And if you add the Asian-American students (who don't seem to be underrepresented) the number increases by probably 10. And BONUS: one of our new associate deans is a Black woman! Can you tell I'm excited? In a later post I am going to address one of my friend's ideas that she has somehow transcended race at her predominately white institution, and that all of the issues that plagued her in the beginning are no longer an issue because she simply "no longer sees color." Can't wait to talk about it!
Second: All students are on a first name basis with faculty and staff. Many times it was emphasized that faculty and staff were to be addressed by their first names, which is not easy to do when you're not accustomed to it. But I love the idea of it. Imagine walking around the school addressing the director of your program by her nickname (as in my case). It changes the whole tone of the academic environment. I just hope that the exceptions to the rule (aren't there always exceptions?) make themselves clear, and soon!
Third: My student mentor is great! Every new student is assigned a student mentor from the year before her, usually within the same specialty. I happened to get a student that is raved about by the administration and other students.
Fourth: The clinical+research+teaching focus is heaven for me. I have had this "you simply can't do it all" conversation with a couple of seasoned nurses, and it hasn't been a very positive experience because they say you can't teach and research and practice at the same time. But here, they seem to have figured it out, and it's a big deal. The PLUS is that we are actually taught by the people who are actually doing the research (not always the case at Research I institutions) and our clinical instructors also currently practice in the field. The CON is that our professors are really, really busy and you must adhere to the office hours to get in contact with them, AND class can be cancelled without any notice (in the case of midwifery).
So there it is. At midterm time, remind me that I love this place!
1st things First: DIVERSITY! It exists! After visiting the school earlier this year and meeting with the students of color who were currently enrolled at the school, I was a little worried because there was NOT much diversity and the few students that were here were the "only one" in their specialty (ie: the only one in Midwifery, or the only one in Oncology) which isn't good because after this first year we aren't all together anymore - we're only with other students in our specialty. So, imagine my suprise to see so many students of color! There are about 100 entering students, and of that 100, probably 15 are underrepresented minority (Black, African, Native-American, and Latino) including a black male and two Native American women, which I think is very impressive when you consider there are only a hundred of us. And if you add the Asian-American students (who don't seem to be underrepresented) the number increases by probably 10. And BONUS: one of our new associate deans is a Black woman! Can you tell I'm excited? In a later post I am going to address one of my friend's ideas that she has somehow transcended race at her predominately white institution, and that all of the issues that plagued her in the beginning are no longer an issue because she simply "no longer sees color." Can't wait to talk about it!
Second: All students are on a first name basis with faculty and staff. Many times it was emphasized that faculty and staff were to be addressed by their first names, which is not easy to do when you're not accustomed to it. But I love the idea of it. Imagine walking around the school addressing the director of your program by her nickname (as in my case). It changes the whole tone of the academic environment. I just hope that the exceptions to the rule (aren't there always exceptions?) make themselves clear, and soon!
Third: My student mentor is great! Every new student is assigned a student mentor from the year before her, usually within the same specialty. I happened to get a student that is raved about by the administration and other students.
Fourth: The clinical+research+teaching focus is heaven for me. I have had this "you simply can't do it all" conversation with a couple of seasoned nurses, and it hasn't been a very positive experience because they say you can't teach and research and practice at the same time. But here, they seem to have figured it out, and it's a big deal. The PLUS is that we are actually taught by the people who are actually doing the research (not always the case at Research I institutions) and our clinical instructors also currently practice in the field. The CON is that our professors are really, really busy and you must adhere to the office hours to get in contact with them, AND class can be cancelled without any notice (in the case of midwifery).
So there it is. At midterm time, remind me that I love this place!
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