GradPLUS is a bust.

Remember when I was all excited about the new federal loan program for grad students? Go here to jog your memory: http://minoritynursingstudent.blogspot.com/2006/02/important-news.html

I was denied this federal loan. Supposedly as long as you had no bankruptcies or school loans in default, you were eligible (per final email before applying today) but this is not the case. I don't know what the requirements are, as there are many different "facts" out there, and they all say something different. So, there it is.

It's been a long, emotional day. I'm tired and I'm frustrated. Someone asked me why don't I just go to medical school today. My answer was "why don't you." My usual default answer is "because I do not believe in the medical model for pregnancy and childbirth" but today I didn't have the patience, nor am I in the mood.

I want to climb into a bed with real quilts and down pillows in a freezing cold room with the windows open.

I seriously want to cut off all my hair, but I'm resisting the urge.

Ramblings

School News: I ordered the required background check from the required company. The first charge was $20. Good enough. But, then I get an email saying that another $42 has been charged to my account because I had multiple addresses in multiple states and counties listed. I hope I'm not going to have to pay for each and every address I have lived at for the last ten years...that would be disastrous. Why is everything always more expensive than it's supposed to be?

New site: http://shapeofamother.blogspot.com/ This site is about how pregnancy changes the body, physically. Women post photos of their bodies with the hopes that these realistic pictures will help other women realize the beauty of their bodies, or at least the normality if they can't yet come to appreciate it as beauty. Gazing at stretch marks, love handles, and an amazing amount of skin for the last hour made me feel feel unusually good about my own body, even if it isn't post-pregnancy weight that made me this way. Well worth the visit.

Food: It's been going well. No sugar, but some whole grains. Scale still moving in my favor, and I'm very very close to my 3-months-ago weight. Feels good.

Update: It's confirmed, my friend is pregnant. (see post "Mean and Other Things") I don't know what to say or do. Do I stop by and offer my support (phone is disconnected)? Seems invasive, not respectful of her space. Do I write her a letter? Seems impersonal, especially for how close we are(don't be fooled by her secrecy about this pregnancy, we usually are very close, and now I know why we haven't been talking). I don't know what to do, any advice?

Mean and Other things

So Mean.

I have this reputation, but I think people with limited vocabularies don’t really mean it…they just don’t know what else to call it. I’ve been called a “serious” person also…I think that’s more accurate. But anyway, in the meantime, I’ve been thinking about where this came from.

We’re all in our mid-late twenties (my friends and family I spend most of my time with). It’s the men who always say that I am so mean. Well, I think one issue is that they all have very young girlfriends. Why does this matter? They aren’t women yet. They never say what they really feel, they act as though they don’t have any intelligent thoughts of their own. Therefore, in a group setting, I am the only outspoken female. That, and the fact that I have less tact than they like – nevermind the fact that the men in our group setting never ever monitor, adjust or otherwise censor what they say- makes me "mean."

Second, I hold people personally accountable for their lives. I can’t help it. If you don’t want to think about anything other than Playstation, pop culture, and bikini models, we aren’t going to have much to talk about. But, what this means is that I don’t last very long in group settings; I get bored fast. And so occasionally I ask a tough question…something like “are you looking for a job?” Man, so hard, I know.

The bottom line? I say what I want among a roomful of ego-filled men, and I don’t apologize for it and I don't pretend to like everybody. Really, I have a hard time having a beer with someone who slapped his girlfriend last night. Call me mean, but hell no I don't want to go bowling with you.

Anyway.

Last night I learned that a very, very good friend of mine might be pregnant again. I saw her not too long ago and she looked pregnant, but I dismissed it as gained weight - even though she had the pregnancy-mask face. But then my mom asked me about it, and I truthfully answered that I didn't think so. Then she asked me about it again. I said I have no idea. Yesterday, my cousin came over and said "I saw your friend at work today - you didn't tell me she was having another baby!" I said, "I don't think she is." He said "Oh yes! she is. It's obvious. She's wobbling."

Then everything started to add up. She's been incognito. For months. She didn't come to my graduation party. At the time I didn't think much of it because NONE of my friends came. (A whole 'nother post that will probably never be published, but simply put - it hurt and it sucked) But now I am realizing that she has not followed through with anything we have planned in the last few months. I haven't physically seen her for an extended period of time for over 4 months. She doesn't take my calls, but again -my other friends had stopped taking my calls too, so I just figured everybody was into their own stuff (which happens sometimes). But then there was this; my mom went to her house to visit her, and she only poked her head around the door (body hidden), she didn't let my mom in, which is very, very strange. So, now I think it might be true. What's the point? This is her 5th child. She's a good mother, but times are hard for us working poor. She doesn't have help. She's trying to do the honorable thing and raise her children without assistance form the government. But I can't imagine how this will be possible with a new little one, and only making minimum wage. I admire her tenacity.

I wish I could help her. I wish she would answer my calls. Eventually I will just show up at her house to talk to her. But how ackward. She obviously doesn't want anyone to know, but it kills me to know that she might be dealing with this without any support whatsoever. But exactly how supportive can I be, leaving in less than a month?

Wikipedia meme

I got this from Karen's blog:

http://chialing81.blogspot.com/2006_06_01_chialing81_archive.html

"Go to Wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Main_Page
and look up your birthday (excluding the year). List three neat facts, two births, and one death in your journal, including the year."

Neat facts:
1873 - Censorship: The U.S. Congress enacts the Comstock Law, making it illegal to send any "obscene, lewd, or lascivious" books through the mail.

1923 - TIME magazine is published for the first time.

1991 - An amateur video captures the beating of Rodney King by Los Angeles police officers.

Births:
1962 - Jackie Joyner-Kersee, American athlete

1981 - Lil' Flip, American rapper

Death:
1937 - Amelia Earhart, American pilot (disappeared)

Tomorrow's post will be my reaction to "You so damn mean." I am giving myself a day to think about it bcecause otherwise it would be a post full of obscenities because I am so tired of hearing this...especially from black men.

4 weeks from now

I’ll be home – hopefully, both physically and mentally. I’m hoping our new city hits the spot and becomes a place we can stand to live for at least ten years. I am tired of packing, moving, and unpacking. I want red walls, wood floors, and black and white photographs on my walls. I want to cook in my own kitchen.

If you’ve been keeping up, you’ll remember my Sugar post. Well, the day after that, I gave it up. I still use sugar substitutes, and I still get plenty of sugar by eating whole fruit, but that’s it. For those of you who have never tried it, that cuts out a lot of food. Especially since I no longer eat refined carbs like white bread, flour, etc. I eat plenty of complex carbs though, and I will eat whole grain bread when I want to. Oh, and I don’t eat after 7 or 8. I found a neat little website that keeps track of everything for me: www.calorie-count.com and so far it’s going better than expected. Also, I have been walking but lately it’s been a very muggy, humid 100 degrees and walking outside is just out of the question.

Anyway, I have a school update:

I received my registration packet, and man was it thick. I had a few new tasks to do, including going online to register for (and pay for) a criminal background check, online loan entrance counseling and new promissory notes, and voter registration. Our orientation is a week long, but includes things like HIPPA training, immunization clinics, and IT seminars to designed to get our PDAs up and running. There is also a lab coat/school patch ceremony, which I think is great. There are also some built in family-friendly activities each day, including the first meeting for spouses of nursing students. I wonder if he’ll go for it.

My guess is no.

First Tuition Bill

I got my first tuition bill in the mail today. I owe $1,087.50 for the fall semester, which is more than I expected. Tuition went up more than $500 per semester, big suprise. I emailed my husband to tell him the news and he said "It isn't that bad, really." I needed to hear that. I swear, every time we manage to save over $1,000, we get a hit like this which makes us start all over again. It could be worse, I could be staring at the bill with absolutely no clue as to how I am going to pay it. It feels good to be able to pay in full and not have to make arrangements like I'm used to having to do - even if it means we're almost back to zero in savings.

I haven't been sleeping well, worried about it all. The man will have to find a job that pays what we need within 30 days so that the money will be there when we need it 60 days after arriving. I have never moved with so little saved. I am trying to tell myself "what a great adventure," but all that comes to mind is "two months away from homelessness." It's a lesson in faith, and I hope I pass.

Book List

I fell in love with this over at maryann's blog: www.thisblackgirlreads.org and I am stealing the idea (in part) by creating a list of ten books I would like to read by the end of the year! The books are listed on the lower right side of my blog.

I read a lot, but inconsistently and very narrowly. So, I am going to get some help with suggestions for the last few so that I can broaden my horizons...

Someone Else's Children

I spent a couple days last week braiding 2 of my little cousins' hair. My cousin has four children, and her brother and his wife were visiting with their two children. Over the course of the couple of days I teased the adults about all of their kids that filled the 2 bedroom apartment. Most of the time I was tired of the noise. But other times, I was filled with an overwhelming desire to go home to my husband and make babies. If only it were that simple. Don't get me wrong, we have the act of making babies down to a pleasurable, magnificent science. But it's the conceiving that hasn't worked for us over the last 6 years. We fluctuate between wanting and not wanting to have children. The wanting is what came first, but after some years, we realized that not having children is also working pretty well for us. We get to spend a lot of time together and do a lot of things people with children either do not have the opportunity to do, or can not do without a lot of planning. But I know we're missing out something, too. Even through all the screaming and turned over cups of red Kool-Aid, there was a sense of family that is a little harder to grasp when there are only two of us. So I sat there, feeling lonely despite the fact that I was surrounded by family and feeling a little empty for not being a part of the "mommy club." But then my father called, and I remembered...

Sugar

I'm addicted to it. I admit it. I've been thinking about this 25 pounds I need to lose, and my plan to lose it before school offically starts in September, but it seems unlikely as I can not stop eating sugar. I don't like to be conquered by anything, so this is really starting to bug me.

Losing My Mind

Not even five minutes ago, the eternal question resurfaced: Why *Ivy1*? I am so sick of the bullshit. I am just going to be ornery and answer "Why not?" from now on. Why in the hell is it so hard to understand? I have all of these wonderful, non-defensive answers worked out now (because I have been asked so many times) but at this point I just want to say "because I want to, and that's enough." What is wrong with people? Why must I be mediocre? And when I say mediocre, I am not comparing myself to people who don't want to go to the schools I aspired to go to, I am only comparing myself to myself. Why should I not push myself to my fullest potential? I know, and they know, that I have always wanted to be in a place where I fit in intellectually, where people don't ask silly shit like "why are you reading?" or "are you going to spend all day in the library/book store?" or "when is enough school going to be enough?" or "what does that have to do with your degree?" like the only knowledge I should attempt to acquire is that which is directly related to one freaking degree. Are you kidding me? Some people learn just for the sake of learning. Some people read simply because they can, and it feels good. Some people write because they can't not write. I am one of those people, and I can't wait to sit in a room full of other people who feel the same way. Not people who feel the same way I do about everything in life - hell, it's better when smart people disagree because that's when real discussion happens. But I can't wait to be in a room full of people who don't consider critical thinking to be abnormal. People who are pissed that the library is closing right when the article was getting good, or when they finally found the book they wanted to browse only to find out that it must remain in the library. I want to have coffee with thinkers on a regular basis, and I don't want to spend too many hours of my life trying to coordinate it. Yes, you can call me at 4 in the morning to say "I can't stop thinking about what Cosey said, did you get it?" or "I can't sleep, can u believe what professor X said in class today?" Yeah, I might ask "What time is it?" but I will talk about the topic at hand just the same, and be thankful that you gave me something new to think about.

I swear, people will make you feel like you're crazy if you let them. There aint nuthin wrong with me. I know exactly what I want, and I am not going to be bothered by the fact that it exceeds what you happened to have imagined for me. You should've dreamed bigger.

Vacationing in St. Louis

I spent a week in St. Louis for vacation, dishing it up with cousins who are like sisters to me. This photo, however, is an imposter! I didn't take any pictures over the week. We did attempt to go to the top of the arch, but we never made it up because the lines were too long. But I did touch it, if that means anything. LOL. I had a great time doing everything and nothing all at the same time. Lots of drinking and lots of riding around seeing the sites (happy hour was a staple of our diet!) We also went to Union Station, which I thought was beautiful - especially when compared to East St. Louis...

My cousins live in the burbs, as they are well-educated, young folks who have had their fill of the hoodlife - especially since they're raising children. But they took me to the east side and, like all other similar hoods in our country, it was unbelievably discouraging. Pointing out the clinics, dead hospitals, and Planned Parenthood's along the way (because that's my thing - and theirs too) it was hard to keep in mind that the buildings I saw were actually functioning dwellings. Don't get me wrong, I've seen it before...Chicago and DC come to mind...but the bars, the trash, and the neglect never become normal. It always catches you off guard, like "where are we?" even if only 1 second later you remember that you are in the United States of America. It forced me to reevaluate my coping mechanisms. I have been thinking about/writing about how I will cope with continually being in the position of helping people in the most impoverished parts of our country without losing my joy, when each and everyone one of them will remind me of myself. There is some joy in the helping, but there is also pain and the pain is what kept us from staying too long in that part of town, and why the car gets quiet when we pass through row after row of the 'jects. It is because we all know that but by the grace of God we were granted the state of mind to climb out of, or alltogether avoid, the mentality of powerlessness and victimization that was constantly forced down our throats.

UNO Dean Slaps Student...

and GETS AWAY WITH IT. There is so much I could say, but I recently posted what I think about my undergrad institution in the post titled "Article Published in the School Newspaper." No one is suprised that he hasn't been (and won't be) fired. This is the way this campus works. What I can say is, at this point, I recommend that the student go and slap the shit out this man, since there will be no consequence for the action anyway, right? People will say more violence will not help the situation. I say, if the authorities do not give you the justice you deserve, weigh the consequences, then get it for yourself.

Reading Like Hell

I have been reading anything I can get my hands on, including bell hooks. At different times in my life I have tried reading her work but haven't been able to stay focused long enough to digest anything. For me, she is like Toni Morrison, unavailable, without devoting a serious amount of time to the task of reading her. But the other day I spent almost 8 hours in a bookstore thumbing through several of her books. For those of you who don't know, a lot of her chapters can stand alone, so I often look through the table of contents, pick an interesting chapter title, and dive in. This time, I picked up Where We Stand: Class Matters. I don't know how I feel about the fact that I found this book extremely accessible just yet, but I do know that I had been waiting for something that I could relate to that talks about what it is to come from a class different than the one they eventually settle into as an adult, and about what it is to come from lower-middle class America and survive in ivy academia. I had been thinking about what my experiecnes might be like when the time comes (if it ever comes) for us to buy a home. Will people take one glance at my cornrowed husband and declare that the house has been sold?

My recent devouring of so much text has also reminded me of my own committment to writing. I had already accepted that I have a story worth telling, but I have only begun to accept that not only am I the only one who can tell it, but that I actually have the skills to do it. Being confident in those skills is a double edged sword; Accepting that I can do it, makes me feel obligated to do it, and I hate feeling obligated.

Puerto Ricans say...

"Aint we American?"

I saw Rosie Perez on The View this morning and she said that while Puerto Ricans can be drafted to the American Army (because they're Americans, as Puerto Rico is a U.S. territory) they can't vote. The fact that they can't vote wasn't news to me...but the fact that they *can* be drafted pissed me off. I also hear that this is true of citizens of DC?? I am scrambling to find out the answer to this...

Studying for the Waiver Exam

I have received the syllabus for the A&P class offered at my new school so that I can study to test out of the class. It seems pretty straightforward, and I feel like I should be able to test out of the class. I really want to test out so that I can have at least a little free time to spend with my husband my first semester. I am worried that I am moving him to a new state without any friends or family nearby and that he's going to be all alone while I'm studying 24/7...

Right now I'm setting up a study schedule based on the syllabus and committing to set study times for the next 2 months. I am also gathering the resources I used over the past year in A&P. So that's how I'm going to study.

Anyway. I've been having an interesting ongoing conversation with a friend of mine about going into private practice as a midwife vs. working for a hospital. I am pretty sure that I will work for a hospital, which she, rightfully, calls punching someone's clock. But what's more interesting to me is that I have no desire to have the full responsibility of owning my own practice, even though I obviously have an autonomous mind. (Midwives have great autonomy and personal responsibility, whether they "punch a clock" or not.) I cite not wanting to be on call every hour of my life for the next 20 years as one of the reasons to not go into private practice and I think it's a legitimate concern. But at the back of my mind I can't help but think that I might also be lazy and insecure in my ability to own my own practice, which really, really bugs me...

Spanish or Africa?

I can't decide. I will be studying abroad at some point during my graduate career, and I must choose between working in a spanish-immersion type of environment, or in some part, probably South, Africa. I have been learning French for most of my life, and have never taken a Spanish course. However, I do realize the absolute necessity of learning Spanish as a health care professional. I will take some Spanish courses, but I know from personal experience (and my undergraduate linguistics focus) that immersionis the best way for me to really learn a language. This is why I am considering the Spanish option.

But...I have been wanting to go to Africa for a while now - especially a french-speaking area. The reasons are varied: It seems Africa, as large as the continent is, is forgotten in this world. I really want to go to a place where I can look into the faces of the people and see myself. Yes, I have been able to do this with many different cultures, but I just have a feeling that this will be different...I also want to go to a place where dark is beautiful and big is, too.

Do I choose Spanish, which will be a little more useful long term, or Africa which will also be useful, but also self serving?

Progress...

is hard to come by. A few posts ago I mentioned what I had done in preparation for school, and the dent that it has made in my (and my hubby's) wallet. Today I started thinking about what I have left to do...which isn't unusual because it's all I am able to think about lately. It's probably the reason I ended up totaling my step-dad's car. Sigh.

I still need a PDA, stethoscope, nursing shoes for clinical and, hopefully, a laptop.
I still need to take the American Heart Association's BLS course.
I have three scholarships to apply for. (One is ready for mailing, hooray for small achievements)
I have an apartment's worth of belongings to sort and reduce down to 4 suitcases, each 50lbs or less, and a maximum of three boxes for mailing.

I feel like I'm forgetting something. But it's better forgotten for right now.

Billie Holiday: Screaming the Blues

If there were only one image to describe how I feel, this would be the one.

Lately, I have been trying to figure out how I got here. Here being my life as it stands in this moment. There is a constant pull to be both where I came from and where I'm going. I don't think I can exist in both of the worlds simultaneously. Someone or something will have to give. Up until now I have prided myself on my abilty to slip between the worlds of urban ghetto and academia almost effortlessly, but it's begininning to take a lot more effort. No longer a matter of McMillan vs. Morrison or Black English vs. Standard, my growing inabilty to function in both worlds threatens to negatively impact my marriage and extended familial relationships. Knowing, growing, and living within my urban ghetto birth environment is very important to me. I would even come very close to proclaiming that it is more important to me than academia. I also want very much to stay in touch with this reality, my reality, so that I can better serve those who I intend to serve. But, of course, I also am determined to go places, talk to people, and have experiences that will allow me to give those that I serve the absolute best there is to give. I feel like I am being stretched more than ever. I guess the only reason I'm screaming is because I refuse to give in to one place or the other, one mindset or the other. It'd be so much easier to choose one lifestyle and call it a day. But if I choose academia, there goes my life as I knew it - and loved it. And if I choose urban ghetto, there goes most of my hopes and dreams. Therefore, neither are a option. The only option is to make them coexist.

I just hope I can hold on a lil' while longer so that everything will be alright.

Article Published in School Newspaper

Upon Leaving this Place: Reflecting on the UNO Experience

Today is the first day I have worn my class ring. It is .5 ounces of stainless steel, an outer band that rotates around a slightly wider inner band. On the inside, "UNO Class of 2006" is engraved in a typestyle the manufacturer calls “Roman.” On the outside, "PERSEVERANCE." As you can probably imagine, I had to design this ring myself. I had looked through several catalogs, but nothing I saw adequately symbolized my experience here at the University of Nebraska at Omaha. All of the styles for women were delicate gold or polished silver with vibrant hued stones and crystals and silly cursive text. They didn't represent my experiences. I skipped the glittery stones because, in the words of Langston Hughes, “life here aint been no crystal stair.” I needed a ring that represented endurance, so it is only appropriate that I chose stainless steel, a metal that withstands a multitude of abrasions, but lasts just the same – and, I argue, only gets better with the wear and tear.

I have been mocked in the school newspaper, my culture made into an April fool’s joke. I have been pulled into back offices by student government and asked if I would mind relinquishing my salary – as the people who suggested such non-sense were still to be paid. I have endured the ironic invisibility of being the only brown face in my classrooms, sometimes having to refuse to speak for my entire race, and other times demanding to be seen as teachers made comments about how all of the students in the room look alike and have the same kind of hair. At which time I made a joke, because what else can one do, and said “excuse me, um, I disagree because I am obviously in this room too…” And to that, the professor laughed (as I was laughing) and said “well, but you know what I mean.” Sure I did. I watch the inflation of black enrollment rates and it seems as though the university has combined the domestic and international student enrollment rates to make the enrollment of black students appear to have risen, when, in fact, it has decreased. And I have struggled to physically bring myself to a campus where the graduation rate for white men is ten times that of black men, and the administration would rather argue over a point or two than to actually take action against this injustice. People have posted flyers all about the campus, some of which were supposed to represent people who look like me and the language we speak. And when I took the demeaning flyers to the administration, they told me that it was "a matter for the police" and that they had already contacted them. I went into that meeting where I presented one of the many flyers feeling, simply, sad about the campus climate, but I came out of that meeting knowing that I had to get the hell away from here. A campus where the administration is not willing to take action, serious action – not lip service, to offer an equal education and experience to each and every student enrolled is not a healthy, safe, or acceptable place for me to learn.

Was it all bad? Of course not. If I were to have placed a gem in my ring, it would have represented the Goodrich Scholarship Program. I am not going to spend a paragraph praising the program because I think the campus and community already know how extremely lucky they are to have this program. I am but one of the lucky few who has been allowed to see a different side of UNO because of the Goodrich Scholarship program. There were also certain individuals who provided me with a space on campus where I could vent and regroup, and a professor or two who elicited serious critical thinking and encouraged me to seek out another institution of higher learning if I thought I wasn’t getting what I needed here. That advice was well taken; I have applied and been accepted to **Ivy1, Ivy2, and Ivy3** for graduate school in the fall. Am I naive enough to think that I won’t face some of these same issues at *Ivy1*next school year? No. But what I do expect is the sensitivity to cultural and socioeconomic issues that might come a little easier in a less conservative environment, the possibility of working on old problems with new people, and the security of knowing that, if nothing else, at *Ivy1*I will get a name that opens doors for all my troubles and tuition dollars if everything else turns out to be the same.

To each and every other brown on this campus, know that you are not alone – even if it feels like it. There were days when I was completely paralyzed and could not remember why I was here or if the struggle of getting the degree was worth it. But if this article does nothing else, I want it to be my testimony to you that it was indeed worth the struggle! Speak to each other, there aren’t but so many of you, right? Be diligent enough to seek out the resources that do exist so that you don’t lose sight of the goal. And, lastly, if you can’t or don’t find what you need here, don’t be afraid to find it elsewhere.

Oh! And to my fellow Goodrich scholars, enjoy your Goodrich classes while they last, because the true diversity that exists in those courses is a rarity! Silly me, I expected to have as much fun in all my classes.

Persevere,
A Brown Student Upon Graduating from UNO

May 2006

is wrapping up, and I am recommitting to my blog. It's a been a long couple of months since I posted, but I had to buckle down and finish up some things. Here are some updates:

Undergraduate Life...has ended, finally. I graduated on May 5, 2006 with a bunch of people I don't know. I am not a pomp and circumstance person, so I could have done without the ceremony, but it felt good nonetheless. Mostly, I am just extremely glad it's over. I ended up with a C+ in A&P, damn those +/- grades! So now I am reviewing this summer in hopes of testing out of the crappy A&P course offered in the fall at my new school. But I did end up with two A's and B for my other grades, which isn't so bad.

Graduate School...is fast approaching. I've done a lot in the last couple of months:

~I got started on my immunizations. I needed a Tetanus, TB, HepB series, and a Mono. These were expensive to be suprised with. My advice is to check with the local clinic, or traveler's clinic - shop around!

~We applied for on-campus graduate family housing and, thankfully, avoided the waiting list! We've picked our apartment, signed the lease, and turned in the money.

~We've purchased our airline tickets for August. (Found a great deal that I couldn't pass up!)

For those of you who are keeping up with this blog in order to be prepared for the costs of a program like this, here is about how much I've spent so far:

App Fees: $180
Interview costs (travel, etc): $600
Acceptance Fee: $600
Housing Deposit: $755
Immunizations: $375 (because my mom made a donation, thanks mom!)
Airfare to get there in August: $207 (one way for two of us) Southwest Rocks!
Mail: $65 (This is only because I send everything certified FedEx. So this is NOT required!)
TOTAL: $2782

Real Life...is moving fast. I just celebrated my 6th wedding anniversary with my hubby.