Psych Clinical

I realize I haven't said much about my psych rotation. Last night I talked to my friend and I realized that this is because I don't have the language for what is happening on the unit at this facility. In my "Psych Clinical Orientation" post (just look down a few posts) I talked about how glad I was that the unit is a voluntary research unit. I am still glad to be on the unit because 1)I think it's better than the alternative, which would be inpatient involuntary, which isn't really my speed, and 2)Because I think I needed to see what I'm seeing...even though I don't quite know why.

What I am seeing is a disproportionate number of black people involved in clinical trials for drugs that both have and have not been tested before, including pharmaceutical-grade cocaine (which is a drug that "has" been tested, vs drugs that are not yet FDA approved), and patients in experimental treatments that involve brain manipulation and a form of electric shock therapy. YES, there is "informed consent" on the unit - meaning the patients signed that they agree to participate. But repeatedly I am hearing from patients that they really didn't understand what they were signing (and the staff/researchers on the unit consider this to be a delusional moment related to their illness, ie: they understood, but they just don't remember that they understood!) Now, I am questioning exactly what informed consent really means...especially when someone is going through withdrawal or has an 8th grade level of education...according to Wikipedia, "The individual needs to be in possession of all of his faculties, such as not being mentally retarded or mentally ill and without an impairment of judgment at the time of consenting. Such impairments might include illness, intoxication, drunkenness, using drugs, insufficient sleep, and other health problems." A lot of what I see is troubling...

My friend asked me something about processing it all or coping or something (I don't remember what the exact question was) but now I'm thinking about it...

I know what I feel and why I feel it, but I have yet been able to articulate it, meaning I don't have the academic language for the problem that I am seeing. I have put up my reading list for 2007 and includes the book "Medical Apartheid: The Dark History of Medical Experimentation on Black Americans from Colonial Times to the Present." I think this book will help give me the language and a way to process this BS in a way that allows me to recover mentally and spiritually from what I am witnessing, especially in the absence of some much needed ongoing conversation about it.

In the mean time, when talking to my husband about my theory of not having the academic language to express my psych experience, he, with his knack for bringing me back to reality, asked me "why do you have to explain it in academic language, what's wrong with regular ol' language?!" I laughed so hard! But it's true. What's wrong the way I've been explaining it to him? Or the way I (half) explained to it to my friend? Really there's nothing wrong with it...and if I could get away with it - using an unimaginable number expletives (as I do with him) and my animated way of talking fast in half sentences, all breathless and sometimes hopeless (as I do with my friends)- the truth is, I would. But that just doesn't cut it in the classroom. After all, their is that pesky double consciousness to deal with; I rarely speak in class unless I have completely formulated the thought and have the appropriate (ie, acceptable) language to present my comment. Fair? NO. Necessary? ABSOLUTELY.

So, I am going to dive into "Medical Apartheid" slowly, and I hope that the history presented is accurate and that the language of the author gives me a way to voice what I'm feeling and recover from the trauma caused to my psyche from this rotation.

Papaya Uteri, Race & Media Invasion

A great workshop was ruined by the media. It started very slowly, as people introduced themselves (mostly medicine and nursing - all grad level) the occasional undergrad would introduce him or herself and they would be journalism or political science majors. At first we were glad to have the diversity; I think these folks belong at the abortion discussion table. But then their questions and incessant scribbling started the buzz, and when we began to actually do the hands-on portion of the workshop, the cameras came flying out - including video cameras! I did get to practice once, but this pretty much ended the workshop for me. I can't stand to have strangers taking my picture without my permission, and I definitely do not consent to being videotaped by someone with their own video camera.


And, I've reached my limit with the university, in general, trying to sneak pictures of me and my friends for their diversity campaigns! Did I mention this in another post? I can't remember, but at any rate it's happened quite a few times. I really do leave as soon as people bring the cameras out - especially as the number of instances that make me feel like I'm an impostor on this campus increase...Did I mention the case of mistaken identity that happened a few weeks ago? Well, while at the nursing school - in my school sweatshirt - with my school ID hanging around my neck - with my bookbag on my back - leaving the computer lab...I was somehow mistaken for a member of the cleaning crew. Yep, for real. There was some internal struggle as I wanted to correct this person without giving the impression that I don't respect the cleaning crew or other "blue collar" workers, especially since on some days it is their faces, their smiles and laughter, and their speaking to me that makes my day. But at the same time I want people to have to face their issue about me being here to study just like Suzy...

And yet another incident just yesterday: I went to one of many libraries on campus that has like a million very important, one of a kind texts that are under heavy security and for the use of students and faculty only. I walked into this library (for the first time) and asked about the current exhibit (which is open to the public) and also about seeing, touching, admiring the first edition Morrison's The Bluest Eye. This man looked me in my face and said that although I could walk around and look at the exhibit, it would be "impossible" for me to see the text or enter the research basement because that area was for "scholars only." I said to myself, "THAT is what it felt like to hear "Whites Only." I was taken aback, yet again. (It surprises me when I am surprised because one would think I'd get used to it) I said to him "Oh, and I am not a scholar?" He backtracked quickly of course, but "And aren't I a woman?" replayed in my head a million times.

When is it going to end? Or when will I be blind, mute, and deaf to it? Curse you - thou who held my hand and walked me into knowing awakefulness...Geesh, I didn't ask for it! By the way, how do I turn it off? LOL

No Providers, No Choice

I saw a bumper sticker Wednesday that said "No Provider, No Choice." It came right on the heels of a conversation with my good friend N where I said I find conflict with being pro-choice and not willing to be a practitioner who provides abortions. I do not mean that I think every practitioner who is pro choice should have to perform abortions, but that I, personally, find it hard to claim that I am pro choice if I am not willing to be the one to provide/perform the abortion. We also talked about whether I would perform an abortion all the way through the law's determination of how far along a woman can be and still have access, or if I would have my own moral "number line" that I would not be willing to cross. It turns out that I also have a problem with determining what the number should be...meaning that if 16 weeks is what is determined to be the latest an abortion is available, that would probably be my cut off as well. Then we talked about safety of providers and about being stuck doing abortions forever once you start because there will be so few providers.

I will be going to a workshop next week to learn how to perform a Manual Vacuum Aspiration (MVA) The workshop will provide a hands-on learning opportunity using papayas as the uterine model.

Here is a link to statistics about abortion providers in the US.

I also recently watched the movie "The Cider House Rules" which deals with this issue, and it was great! This is an older movie that a lot of people have already seen, but I had somehow missed it.

I never really thought about whether or not I would be an abortion provider because it's not something that CNMs typically do. In most states, 44 to be exact, only physicians can provide abortions. However, if I end up in one of the 6 states where midwives are the providers, or as the law expands or changes, I will be a provider, and I know that scares some people. For a quick history of the role of CNMs in abortion, click here.

New Applicants

New applicants to the nursing program started interviewing yesterday. Wednesday night me, M, and U, took the student M was hosting out to happy hour and gave her the low down because she had to leave the next day right after her interview and so she wasn't going to be able to go to a potluck. Then, Thursday (after my 7:30am - 4 pm clinical) I participated in the diversity session for applicants from 4-5:15 (which only had only one racial minority at it!) and then went to the potluck for new applicants at 5:30 and talked till 8. My voice hurt, my feet hurt, and I was exhausted. But I really do believe that people should know the truth about whatever program they apply to. This school is not a good fit for everybody and, just like every other institution, there are things that they claim they do, that they don't - and those are the things I want people to be aware of.

The diversity session was irritating at first because staff and faculty were present and wanted to (of course) present the school as a diverse and welcoming institution. I have no problem with this, but I do believe that the numbers should be mentioned! And I think "diversity" should be explained further, as in..."we're referring to diversity of sexual orientation rather than race." And think you can say, "our racial diversity this past year was X%, and although that's not necessarily a high percentage, it's more than last year's Y%" Those are the kinds of things I would say if I were from the diversity committee! But anyway, after they left, we had a real conversation about what the school really offers/doesn't offer and how it does or does not affect students. Basically, there is a committee, and so far I have known of one event they hosted (and it was a good event) but not much else. We also talked about the lack of conversation about diversity in the classroom and it's absence from the first-year curriculum all together. I think the student's got much more out of it after the faculty and staff left, and I think it was even more helpful because the three different students had very different experiences at the school.

I made a point of hugging and talking to the 2 black women applicants at the potluck. I don't think it was something many people noticed (I simply hugged them and said "special welcome, nice to see you" in their ear while I did it) and they were grateful. There were two other current students who are black women there, but one did not speak and the other did, but passes so it was lost on them. The first one said "I'm glad you came over" and the other said "it's nice to be seen." One of my friends who did see it all questioned me about it. At the time I just said "because" and smiled. I didn't feel like explaining. But now I do:

I don't think people get how isolated one can feel, even in a room full of people. You're standing there with your gold and tattoos, in urban hip hop wear, with a body frame that takes up a different kind of space than anyone else (woman number 1) or you have a great big afro with hoop earrings and are openly lesbian (woman 2) and you're nervous as hell. You gotta get over so many extra anxieties before the interview even starts! No matter how confident you were before you got off the plane and arrived at the school for your interview, when you step into the room this sea of whiteness blinds you until you see at least one person who looks like you, and when you find her you only hope she's as happy to see you as you are to see her! I recognized it in our new applicants, and I was proud to see that they found each other.

I'm so happy that I decided to go, despite my exhaustion.

Post -It Note

Today is one of those days where I actually finished every single thing on my Post-It Note, and it feels so good. When I looked at the list, I realized that it is also a good mini-glimpse of an ordinary off-day of a nursing student:

Study Lecture 3 of Psych, before 10 am!
Study Pharm Anti-Infectives, before lunch!
Turn in work forms to Human Resources
Get final Hep B shot and take release form back to school
Reply to the dean's email
RSVP for tomorrow's potluck with new applicants
Fax forms to social services office
Mail letter to my mother

Now I'm work.

Psych Clinical Orientation

I oriented to my new Psych clinical rotation on Friday. I wondered why my clinical group only had 3 people in it, including myself. (That's less than half the normal size of a group) Turns out my placement is on a very small unit - only about 8 patients - inpatient, locked unit. The patients have severe OCD, Schizophrenia, and substance addictions. The best thing about our unit is that it's a research unit, which means that the patients are inpatient voluntarily and that they get paid to participate. The worst is that facility is state funded, which we all know means that they're broke. The facilty has inpatient, outpatient, and walk-up services.

I was the first one there for the orientation and had to sit in the lobby by myself for 30 minutes because everyone else was late. It was...interesting. Many, many black folks, and consequently many, many young men trying to "get to know me." I met two black men who rapped out loud to themselves the whole time. They weren't paying any attention to me, but I was listening to them. I have always been fascinated by what I presume to be a very thin line between psychosis and sanity. Everything they said made sense, and that was my worse fear for this rotation. What does it mean if psychotic people make perfectly good sense to me? There was a lot of conspiracy theory in their rhymes, but I believe in a few so-called conspiracy theories myself. I'm not saying that I can't recognize the difference between me, a non-psychotic person, and them. However, I think we have gravely underestimated the psychological trauma related to racism in this country and so I can't help but wonder how many of these people used to be just fine (or borderline, like we all are) and then they just snapped under the reality of this life?

Our professor gave an example of an African American married man who had to work two full time jobs to make ends meet for his family; one day he woke up and decided that he just couldn't do it anymore and he went into a severely depressive & suicidal state and had to be instituionalized. I must say I CAN imagine. The goal is to get the person to remove their stressor, to put things into perspective, to change. How do you tell someone not to work as much? Are you going to supplement his income? How does a person without very many marketable skills find a job that pays so well that he will be able to work one job? If he could find it, wouldn't he already have it? Who chooses to work two full time jobs for their entire life? The point is, what if the event that leads to psychosis is just life. What if you are being crushed under the weight of a circumstance that isn't going to change?

There were many other examples, and a good friend of mine asked about the intersection of race and mental health. (We're getting much better at taking turns!) The professor referred anyone who was interested to the works of another person. Now, I am all for providing students with the resources that allow them to investigate something for themselves, but why is it that the impact of race on the psyche is not also a topic that up for discussion in the classroom? If we aren't going to discuss it, then what is the relevance of including the race of the person in the case study examples? And I find it wholly inappropriate to spout statistics that help to set up the minority/unhealthy vs. non-minority/healthy/normal dichotomy without dicussing race at all.

I realize I'm ranting at 2 am Eastern and no one's listening. But the other day I realized that I pay over $1,000 PER WEEK to this place! I refuse to pay AND be invisible. We are reading a novel for this course in order to write a paper on mental health. We write all about the character's mental disease, so it's stuff like The Bell Jar (Plath)(deals with depression) and She's Come Undone (Lamb)(deals with Obesity, PTSD, and depression). I submitted a proposal to read a novel by a black woman because I have reached the point where I refuse to pay and not get what I want. I learned this from my colleagues. These people are vicious climbers, demanders of what they came for - and the only way to not fall victim to getting what's left over because they didn't want it, is to be right there fighting for what you want. It's the game in every sense of the word. I chose 72 Hour Hold by Bebe Moore Campbell (Bipolar mania). What does this have to do with the whole "grad school is a game" theory? It occured to me that the only reason they get what they want is because they have the audacity to demand it.

New Job

Um yeah, ok. I said a friend had a great post up about midwives and fear, and then didn't give you the link! Well it is from Bellytales: Student Midwife, and you can see it here. She really is an excellent writer.

In other news, I got the library job, and I start Tuesday. My main requirement when searching for a job was that I be able to do my homework while at work. The library is perfect for that.

I have a Psych clinical site orientation today, then a trip to human resources to fill out some paperwork, then Student Health for my last Hep B shot, and finally to the library to study for my Pharm exam this upcoming Tuesday. I'm not ready for Pharm, it's been 4 weeks since I looked at a page of Pharm notes. I have a lot of memorizing to do.

Apparently school is in full swing.

Semester 2, Spring 2007

Man I didn't want to come back. My body still isn't used to getting up at 6:15. My mind is still racing at 2 am as I lay in bed trying to fall asleep.

MedSurg ended as you all know, and it has been replaced by Psych on the calender. I have class on Mondays and Tuesdays from 8am to 3pm, and clinical rotations for 8 hours on Thursdays and Fridays.

8 friggin AM: PHARM
10 (Mondays only) BIOMED
(Tuesdays only) PATHOPHYSIOLOGY
1 PM: PSYCH

I have a job interview tomorrow to work at a university library for a few hours a week. Work study at the school isn't very good because it's only 4 hours a week and those 4 hours are so hard to schedule with faculty that it's frustrating. I'm looking for a straight forward schedule of 10-15 hours a week. I don't want to work because I don't think it will be good for me in this program, but what other option do I have? I need money and I need it now. <>

A friend has an interesting post up about the fear of the practitioner (specifically midwives) that is really excellent, check it out.

On a positive note, I read an entire collection of Aaron McGruder's The Boondocks last week, and revisted it this week, and it was PHENOMENAL. I laughed so hard my stomach hurt! And then I watched a Katt Williams stand up special from HBO and again, laughed so hard I cried. His Michael Jackson commentary was on point and brutally honest and funny! Evenif you don't usually like our self-degrading style of black comedy (sometimes it does hurt my heart) I think you'll enjoy Katt's special. And if you are one of those black folks who read, please check out any collection of the Boondocks, it has really cheered me up recently!

Never Drank the Kool-Aid

Finally.

I really enjoyed this collection, which is not suprising because I enjoyed his first collection (short stories) when it came out, too. Never Drank the Kool-Aid is a collection of essays written by Toure. Most of the essays were previously published in magazines like Rolling Stones, The Village Voice, or The New Yorker. Most are interviews with hip hop artists, a few are sports figures and one or two are personal essays.

First, the introduction is a great because 1)It's in list form, and I love lists and 2)It includes a brief, brief history of hip hop section (I'm talking less than one page!) which really summarizes it well! The grouping of essays falls under such headings as "Sensitive Thugs" (including Eminem), "Big Willies" (including Russell Simmons) and "Get Up, Get Out and Get Involved" (including JayZ and Kanye) and many others, 12 sections in all.

Since I'm a nursing student in every sense of the word, I don't have time to give the most in depth review. Therefore, I'm giving you the best three things about the collection, and the one thing I hated:

Top 3:

#3. In the "Big Willies" section, the essay "Ships Passing in the Night" (Barak Obama and Colin Powell) printed in Suede. I love it - not just because it's a good essay (it's a basic 4 page overview of how either man could be the first black president) but because it's political commentary in the middle of a collection of black hip hop stars. It's one of those moments when we showcase that "yes we can drop it like it's hot" but we also care who's in office, who might be in office, and who we might not want in office - even if he is a black man. The last paragraph is the best, go read it.

#2. "Jay-Z Has Got Guts" printed in Rolling Stone because I am a Jay-Z fan, as is my husband, and this piece allowed me to be more than a fan. With most rappers, I like what they have to say (Kanye), or I respect the lyricism (Luda and Em), or their struggle (Pac). With Jay-Z I respected the history. The number of albums he has produced is amazing, and I loved him more as he started to get his grown and sexy on with Beyonce (who is also interviewed). He also spoke about giving back and an internal conflict related to giving back that I could relate to (you'll have to read it!) I liked the piece because he lived up to my expectations. Who I imagined him to be is who he is, and that's always great. Then I read this : "In the sixth grade, a test showed he was reading at a twelfth grade level." And he addressed that with this: "I always liked to read. I still do." I fell in love.

And #1. (hands down) A section ("Microphone Fiend") that has only one essay...Crack is Responsible for Hip Hop (this was an an interview with ?uestlove) I don't know why, but this one just got me. Maybe the title. Maybe the little moment of intellectual orgasm I got out of the political + musical commentary, I don't know why, but I loved it most. A lot of the essay was also about D'Angelo. I *so* enjoyed this essay.

Until the last page, when the thing I most disliked about the collection really messed me up:

Question to ?uestlove: "Is there any female MC that you'd F***?"

And *THAT* is what I emailed him about. The only female MC in the collection is Lauryn Hill, so I was really disappointed that he would ask this - especially in the absence of any interviews with Lil Kim, Foxy, Rah Digga, Da Brat, etc. And it just really messed me up because it didn't flow, it was so abrupt! I emailed him about it (kept it light and funny), and he emailed me back immediately (cool points for that, and for being equally personable) and said that he was "sorry it offended" and admitted that it might be "juvenile" but he still thought it was "interesting" and "reasonable."

So there's my little review. (Honorable mentions for the Eminem interview, the Mary J Blige letters, and the Love Your Niggas essay) It's all good, go read it.

Next book review will be "Sister Outsider" by Audre Lorde, but it won't be until this weekend...school has offically started.

One Year...10 Posts

I know my review of Toure's Never Drank the Kool-Aid was supposed to be next, but I have to say something else first. (But YES, he did respond to my email...more later, I promise)

It just occured to me that I started my blog one year ago this month, so I didn't want the month to end without talking about my 1-year bloggin milestone...

I started this blog in the hopes that other nursing school hopefuls, especially those who might not otherwise have anyone to ask for advice, would be able to gain some insight into what it is like to apply to and attend nursing school, especially graduate level nursing school. I also wanted to share my experiences in an accelerated "direct entry" nursing program, which is different than a traditional nursing program - mainly in that you can have an undergrad degree in anything (mine is in English-Writing and Linguistics) and get both an RN and MSN in one bridge-type program.

I am suprised by how much more I ended up writing about. I am also suprised by how personal my blog has gotten, despite the fact that it is still not "very" personal! There are some things about my blog that I am proud of; mainly, I am proud of the truth that it represents. There are others that I look back and am somewhat disappointed with - such as the overall language of the blog, which I thought would be slightly more formal than it is. In the end, while I am not exactly happy with the language, I have come to accept it because I value non-academic and non "literary" tongue and I hope that this blog remains readable because of it.

Anyway, I perused my archives, and these are my top 10 posts of the year (they will pop up below this current post):

These posts because they exemplify the mission of this blog

Because of this post, I will never forget how it felt...

This post because it marked the end of a very long journey...

This rant because it tells the truth about who I am...

This one and this one, because they articulate what marriage means to me...

This is what nursing school is really like...

But also this one, because it equally tells the truth of nursing school...

And who could forget the day they asked me to leave the program...

And last but not least,this post, because it captures the very essence of my life.

I hope you all have enjoyed the blog this year, and I hope I have helped someone, anyone. I look forward to the growth next year brings, and your cyberspace visits!

Toure

I'm going to talk about Toure's never drank the Kool-Aid next, but I am waiting on him to respond to an email I sent him about it...

More later!

Let the Lion Eat Straw

This novel is by Ellease Southerland, now known as Ebele Oseye. I picked up this book because of one very simple description I saw online: "Mamma Habblesham, an elderly midwife, lovingly tends to Abeba, a sweet little 6-year-old whom she has raised since the girl was two months old." I should have kept reading the reviews/summaries. There are few novels that I have found that have midwives as real characters. I was disappointed (for all of two seconds) when I realized that this book doesn't either. We know that Mamma is a midwife, and that she's a good one, but that's it. In fact, Abeba's life with Mamma pretty much ends 15 pages into the novel. But I kept reading after that because the novel is beautiful. It's short, and therefore words have been chosen carefully, and I like that. But that's the least of it.

I loved the way Southerland portrayed the men in the novel. Abeba's father was not afraid to love his daughter. The boys on the stoop were respectful, genuinely kind, and very supportive of Abeba, all the while Abeba's mother pointed out that they were drunks and needed some Jesus in their life. Isn't that the way people really are? It seems so rare that people are either one thing or another, a sinner or the saved. I loved how a whole Brooklyn community of poor folks paid hard earned money to gather at the school to see the play that Abeba's mother wrote where black men were kings, and astrologers, and magicians (a revamped story of King Nebuchadnezzar and David)...a play that cost 50 cents for one person, but 25 cents for two.

And I loved Abeba's resiliency. Her husband turned out to be certifiably crazy, but she stood right by him. They had 15 children, all of whom where exceptionally smart and they built business and a home and a family with very little.

It really was very beautiful. There was some horror, but what life doesn't have any? Abeba was headed for great things (ie Julliard) but she gave it up for this life with children and a husband. And to me, that was some of the horror, but what I liked about it was that at the center of this novel was a relationship between mother and daughter, and when the daughter became a woman, she took responsibility for the life she chose and made decisions accordingly.

There's so much truth in this novel, so much revelancy now, almost 30 years later.

The Interruption of Everything

I started with this novel by Terry McMillan because I had been waiting a very long time to read it. It wasn't the best one she's written, but I still enjoyed it. I have been a fan of Terry McMillan since Mama and Breaking the Ice. I remain committed to her works because I remember what reading Mama did for me; For the first time ever, I read a book and really recognized the characters. I read the whole novel in one day - a real accomplishment when you're 12 or so and it's 2 or 3 hundred pages long. It probably wasn't the first book by a black woman that I had ever read, but it's the first one I remember reading.

The Interruption of Everything is about a woman (Marilyn) entering perimenopause (thanks for talking about it) and her relationships with her family members, including her husband, children, mother and mother-in-law. She is intensely creative and has earned a creative degree, but had been mostly a stay at home mother and wife. The main plot has to do with belonging to the sandwich generation. She's just getting her kids off to college, but also taking care of her own parents. Her mother is sick, but is living with Marilyn's sister. Her mother-in-law is living with Marilyn and her husband, who is also going through a mid-life crisis. And, of course, what would a Terry McMillan novel be without girlfriends. She has two girlfriends that help her get through everything. And there's other drama that I won't get into so that I don't spoil it. The best thing about the book is the menopausal discussion.

It was entertaining enough to read in one day, but at the same time, I thought "I waited 4 years for a novel from McMillan...and this is it?"

Reading

I read a book yesterday, a book today, and even started on the one for tomorrow...the plan is to read one every day - but no pressure...

I'll be talking about them soon...

Semester One is Finally Over

The semester has ended. FINALLY. I basically slept (and read) from Thursday until now, with the exception of a trip to the grocery store yesterday to prepare for this hibernation I am about to go into.

Thursday was my final Med Surg exam. At one point, in the middle of test, I flipped the test over to calculate how many I could miss and still get the grade I wanted on the test. I didn't do it because I wanted to quit, but because I was feeling really overwhelmed by it all (hardest friggin test I've ever had in this class) and I needed some perspective...For example, I only needed a 60 on this final exam to pass the class...and even if I had of gotten a 90 my grade would still have been only a "Pass," (one of the things I hate about "Pass/Fail" system) then I figured I could miss something like 40 of the questions and still get what I needed...all of sudden the 14 questions I did not know the answer to didn't mean a damn thing and I kept moving.

Shortly after the Med Surg exam, and right at the end of a end-of-semester meeting with the program director, our professor came back in and made an announcement that although one person failed the exam, no one failed the class. We didn't lose one student this semester. It was a great feeling and the class, even if only for one moment, was unified and proud.

As tired as I was, I still took the Anatomy final afterwards (even though we had another 5 or 6 days to take it) because I wanted be done with all of this when I finally went home. I passed that, too, and that marked the end of the semester for me.

The semester didn't exactly end the way I wanted it to (I wanted High Passes), but it's over now and I can say I've learned something - a lot, actually. And despite the belief of some that we all have equal access to being successful here, I maintain my opinion that it is harder for some us than others. My view is not a popular view to have in an ivory tower because people are very uncomfortable with their privilege. But I know, because of how I feel right now, that it has been no small feat to come through this fiery first semester and although I might have suffered some smoke inhalation, I have not been burned...and I find that nothing short of miraculous.

(Almost) Unbelievable

On Nove 3rd, an ARTICLE about a med error was printed in the Wisconsin State Journal:

Nursing and hospital officials were outraged Thursday after the state filed a felony charge against the nurse whose medication error caused the death of a teenager at St. Mary's Hospital in July.

It's the first time a health- care worker has been criminally charged for an unintentional error in Wisconsin, the officials said. They said the filing could make it more difficult to recruit and retain nurses, already in short supply...She mistakenly gave Gant an epidural anesthetic intravenously, a state investigation previously revealed. Gant was supposed to receive penicillin through the IV for a strep infection. An epidural is supposed to be injected near the spine to numb the pelvic area during birth

Wow. I began to think about how possible it would be for this kind of med error to happen- I was trying to go through the steps in my head, but further down, the article provided all the steps she had to take in order for this to happen:

Improperly removed the epidural bag from a locked storage system. Gant's physician, Dr. Joseph Fok, never ordered the epidural.

Didn't scan the bar code on the epidural bag, which would have told her it was the wrong drug.

Ignored a bright pink label on the bag that said in bold letters, "FOR EPIDURAL ADMINISTRATION ONLY."

Disregarded hospital and nursing rules in failing to confirm a patient's "five rights" when receiving drugs: right patient, right route, right dose, right time and right medication.

Of course that made me think, OK she really screwed up. But also, I was trying to imagine myself in her situation (which is always hard to do, because you never really can) and I thought about of all of the little things that happen during a shift-almost absentmindedly. I still don't know how she missed this...it seems so glaring, but who am I to say? Do I have any say, as a future nurse? IF I were called to testify, would I stand up for her, my fellow nurse? I was still torn...but then I read this statement from the nurse:

I allow priority for compassion to override the need for detail.

Notice the present tense "allow" not "allowed" as in past tense mistake, but present tense. I was no longer torn. Maybe it's me, but when I'm the patient, please spare me the compassion if it comes at the price of my life.

I hope you all read the article for yourself, but in the case that you don't, the 16 year old girl died from the injection. The nurse "if convicted, faces a $25,000 fine and up to three years in prison and three years of extended supervision.

Seriously? Supervision...as in she'd still be working as a nurse? I don't think that should be an option. What do you think?

The Last Week of Semester 1

I have my final MedSurg exam tomorrow morning at 10 am and then an Anatomy final to take by Monday. My Final MedSurg exam covers respiratory, musculoskeletal, hepatic, endocrine, and EKG interpretation. Do I feel great about it? No. But I just want to get it over with.

Today we're having a breakfast in MedSurg and we're going to fill out a million observations. I'm so not in the mood, but I believe in the necessity of evaluations. We will also be evaluated on our clinicals that just ended (mine was in Oncology) Do I expect a great evaluation? No. But I do expect to pass. Honestly, my preceptor wasn't great...or even good, and I plan on discussing all of that on the evaluation - and I expect her to discuss my obvious boredom with 3/4 of the rotation!

Really, it's all about the fact that Med Surg is over (or will be tomorrow) and I will dedicate a whole post to how that makes me feel, but in one word:

FANFREAKINTASTIC.

“You’re Not Cut Out for Nursing School” Part 2

Here’s what I did after that:

I went to speak with the associate dean (this was like 2 days after the letter, before I had rebuilt my reserve and confidence). She was very supportive, and this is the benefit of having a conscious person of color in administration; They take up the battle for you, and you get to go back to concentrating on yourself. You don’t have to explain all the psychological damage, they already get it…they’ve been through it. You don’t have to convince them that you aren’t crazy – which helps because when something like this happens you really do feel like you’re losing it, and if you’re the kind of person who takes your life seriously (and thinks about it critically) you start to think you might be crazy and you’d have a hard time convincing someone else that you aren’t! She met with me and then met with him to discuss the situation on my behalf…and then encouraged me to meet with him myself later. She also made it concretely clear that I wasn’t leaving the program. But, honestly, I didn’t believe her.

Then, I gathered up all my friends, mostly students of color who I’ve built a very solid community with, and a few others, and explained what was going on. (The associate dean was very concerned about the whole “everyone one is struggling alone” thing) Another student in this little community had also had the same experience, and so there was comfort in that. And basically, they rallied around us and gave an immeasurable amount of support. I can hardly explain it, but it was the difference between trying to push against a closed door by yourself, versus having 5 other people pushing against it with you, if that makes sense. So we discussed a few strategies, made the commitment to check in on each other over the Thanksgiving holiday, and to come back with more ideas on how we could help the two of us get the scores we needed to pass the class and stay in the program. For one of the very first times in my life, here was a group of young black people who really felt like if one of us failed, we all failed, and failure was not an option. Not to be mushy, but I think this is what love looks like when it is separated from romance.

So, I went on break and I spent an enormous amount of time confronting my issues (because no one can make you feel inferior without your consent), rebuilding my confidence (because it was gone), and reassessing and recommitting to my purpose (because it’s the only way to survive this experience, I think). This involved journaling, reading my writing, including my admissions essays, and goal updating/refining. It was hard work, and, honestly, it left me exhausted, which is one of the reasons why I hope I don’t have to do it again soon.

Then I came back to school (somewhat renewed, but still a little worried, obviously) and, as promised, my friends’ suggestions started pouring in. I received a total of 36 emails in a weeks time, all concerning Biomed. I studied with different people, I was quizzed by different people, and I took the advice of every person seriously. Then I met with the professor and analyzed my last two tests. I told him my concerns and cornered him about the material a million times (Like: “Why is this the answer instead of this, when these two things are exactly the same?” or “You said to study these objectives, but the answers to the practice questions you posted do not come from these objectives, where do they come from?”) Then I took the test…early…in a room by myself, and I asked him questions during the exam, which I had never done before (thanks for that advice, K) and found that it is absolutely necessary to do so in order to get the grade you deserve. I think this is very, very problematic, but that’s for another post, another day. What matters in this moment, for this post, is this:

I needed a 77, but I got a 90.

Don’t put me in a box, don’t underestimate me, and don’t think you know me. I am serious about this thing I’m doing, and I don’t intend to change my goals based on your limited knowledge of who you think I am or what you think I can achieve. And what’s even better, my friends refuse to look up one day only to realize that one of us didn’t make it – and I am learning that of all the things that went right with this experience, that one has had the greatest impact.

"You're Not Cut Out for Nursing School" Part 1

So, here’s what happened:

Three weeks ago, on Wednesday November 15th (the day I wrote the “Creative Writing” post) also the day before my big Med Surg exam, my Biomed professor emailed me a letter suggesting that I withdraw from the program, take an A&P class, and try again next year. Or, if I wanted to, I could continue in the class. Hello??!! If I want to?!? Seriously.

It took me a minute to actually realize it was happening. He sent it to me so casually. The first thing I said aloud (in the library, sitting next to a friend) was “and you’re emailing this to me?!” Almost on cue, I received another email from him that said the hard copy would be in my mailbox, and good luck with my Med Surg exam. I’m thinking, ok so you did in fact know that I had a huge exam the next day…did you not think this would negatively impact my ability to concentrate on that…or did you simply not care…or are you angry because people like her class better than yours? But whatever, in that moment I decided not to go to my creative writing thing (in my opinion, electives are not an option if you aren’t passing the fundamentals) and had to relinquish my spot to someone else. I really wanted to participate in that workshop but, again, whatever.

This is why I was so angry:

1. I went to him after I failed the first exam, and he brushed me off, and told me “don’t worry about it, a lot of people failed it – go talk to the TA.” Ok, so, I tried not to worry about it, and went and talked to the TA like he told me to. That was disastrous. She told me that the reason I wasn’t doing well in his class was probably because I had an “attitude” toward him. Right then and there, I was done with her silly self. Whether he is good professor or not (he’s not) and whether I like him or not, I came to you to get assistance with the course, so how about you help me with the material, instead of critiquing what you think my attitude toward him is or should be. And, her advice was terrible. I did what she suggested because I thought, ok-maybe she knows something I don’t since she passed the class last year. The result of that faulty study technique was that I failed the second exam with a score even lower than I failed the first. Needless to say, meeting with her is no longer an option for me.

2. He did not EVER meet with me before he sent out the letter. I think the least he could have done was to meet with me and voice his concerns, and maybe even give me a head’s up that the letter was coming. It seems to me that there is just a way to do things, and that wasn’t it. Especially since the letter was also forwarded/cc’d to all the deans, too. How unprofessional.

3. Wouldn’t it have made sense to actually look at my file before suggesting that I take a year off to take A&P when I already took a year of A&P and am currently in the university’s A&P course? No, sir, taking yet another year of A&P is not going to help me. The letter also gave some suggestions for how I might be able to improve my grade if I was going to remain in the class. Again, these suggestions were uninformed. 5 of the 7 were things I was already doing! (ie: come to class, tape the lectures, meet with the TA) The last two things had to do with test taking (take the test in a room by myself, and I could have longer to take the exam). The exam is forty questions long and we already have 2 hours…time was never an issue. These were all things that could have been discussed, had he been willing to meet with me.

And lastly (and most importantly)…Who the hell are you to suggest I leave the program before I have even failed the class? What makes you think that I can not pull myself out of a hole, especially when all I need is 77 on the exam? How can you possibly say (and write down) that you don’t think it is possible for me to get the 77 I need - you don’t know me, or anything about me.

You might think you know but, clearly, you have no friggin’ idea.

It took me weeks of processing to understand it totally, even though I had H in my ear telling it to me all along (thanks H) but I finally organized it in my brain, and hopefully I won’t have to relearn/reconvince myself after this, because honestly it takes too much time. But basically, it came down to this:

When or if I leave this place it will be because I say so, and for no other reason. I will not be intimidated or otherwise coerced into defeat by him or any other person who is not wise enough to recognize my committment to my purpose in this world.

A Week Later...

Things are quiet around here as I prepare for Biomed Exam 3 which happens on Thursday.