A Special Welcome

I am officially blogging again after taking a break to move to my new city, and I want to give a special welcome to my family and friends who will start reading my blog now! I am going to continue using this blog to help other minority (and non-minority) nursing hopefuls with their nursing school/grad-nursing school process, but also to keep my family updated on my life all the way over "here."

Following in the footsteps of thirddegreenurse, who's blog is listed at the right, I am going to use a specific color for nursing/nursing school related info. This is so that people who are not interested in my clinical experiences (ie: how many adult diapers I had to change, vomit I had to wipe up today, etc) can skip over that medical mumbo-jumbo!

But anyway, my life this week has been hectic! Monday thru Wednesday, my orientation lasted from about 8am to 5pm. Man those were some long days, especially a 4-hour technology boot camp, and a 3-hour orientation to my first nursing class, MED SURG (medical-surgical nursing). Today we were "free" to go get a million and one things done, including:

immunization check-offs
books
HIPPA training (online)
bloodborne disease training (online)
clinical practice training (online)
IDs
registration forms signed after meeting our advisor for the year
and getting started with our blackboard modules (all classes have online components, other students will know what I'm talking about, but basically you online and print everything you need for the class - HASSLE)

Me and N have been very proactive and already have some of this done!

I also have to do some paperwork so my husband can get an ID so he can start using the services offered by the university, too!

Not to mention I already have tons of reading to do, but that's my life for the next 11 months.

My schedule for now thru December looks something like this:

Mondays: class from 8am to 3pm
Tuesdays: Clinical shift (clinical means go to the hospital and practice nursing)
Wednesdays: Clinical shift
Thursdays: class from 8 am to 3 pm
Fridays: class and clinicals, but only "sometimes" YEAH, we'll see.

I also have a workstudy job, but I don't know the schedule for that yet!

Again, welcome family and friends, and WELCOME BACK to my blogger friends who might (hopefully??) have missed me!

THANK YOU Girls Incorporated!

Girls Inc. has awarded me a $3,000 scholarship! I had no idea how or where I was going to get books for the semester, and I am really tired of sitting on a metal fold up chair in my living room, especially since we haven't gotten the bed yet. It'll be nice to have something soft to sit on. I also had no idea where we'd get more money for groceries. I am (of course) going to spread the money over three semesters, but even $1000 is enough to do what I need to do for now.

And for those of you who don't know, Girls Inc is a non-profit organization dedicated to helping girls from all different backgrounds become "strong, smart, and bold." I personally was a member of Girls Inc from age 6 to age 18. They introduced me to many things: the arts (opera, ballet, theater), exracurricular science programs, hygeine, ettiquette, and cooking classes, tutoring, computer classes, and the list goes on and on. Plus, undergraduate scholarships. People have their own ideas about the girls a place like Girls Inc serves, but I have always, always, ALWAYS been an advocate, and I will continue to do so.

Thanks again, Girls Inc. For everything.

A Longer Update

Ok, so here's a better update:

1. The apartment. It's not in the best condition, it's old. And it's one of those paint jobs where they just slather layer after layer after layer of heavy paint over e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. The door knobs are all hanging on by a thread and a couple outlets don't work! BUT, it is very spacious. We have a studio, but it has a dining room and a dressing room...and a basement. I know, weird, huh? A basement in an apartment, and it's the size of the entire apartment! I love the space. There's nothing in it. We need furniture. But anyway, the neighborhood is good, it's on campus. It's a 30 minute walk to downtown, and we walk there all the time. The walk back sucks because it's up hill.

2. My neighbors. They're awesome. On my left there's C&M, a 3-years married couple in which the wife is white and the husband is mexican. Last night we had dinner at their place - tacos. OMG they were good! C (the wife) is in my program, her husband is looking for a job and wants to start an accelerated BSN program in the spring. On our right there's N&A, a 5-years married black couple. N (the wife) is in Family Health (one year ahead of me) and A is 2nd year law. Both graduated from an HBCU. It was heaven to see brown people, and they felt the same. We ate dinner over their house Sunday night (chinese) and played Spades! I love my neighbors. There are A LOT of kids in these apartments and a playground between each building, but it's a great thing!

3. The city. Man we need a car. Everything is far. You can't walk to a grocery store (thank god for peapod.com) or a shopping center (ie Walmart, Target, Ikea). Everything around the school is specialized. So, if you want shoes, you gotta go to a shoe store. If you want a sandwich, you gotta go to a deli. There's no "getting it all in one place." People are stuck on Tradder Joe's...it took me three days to get to a real grocery store! It's quaint. We al can imagine what the school looks like (I mean how different is one ivy from the next?) but the city is definitely black. It's amazing how if you step one blcok off the school grounds, the atmosphere changes drastically. And sad, too.

4. Us. He has been offered a job already but he didn't take it because it was not the best, or even a good, offer. He has another interview tomorrow. Wish us luck. I am ready for school to start and my house to be furnished. I received one box of books and that helped.

Thats it for now, I'm using the neighbor's computer!

The Shortest of Updates

We're here. It was a long trip. Our apartment is O.K. - a little rggedy, but very spacious! This is definitely not a place where you can can get by without a car! We will have to get one very, very soon. I have met two other girls in my class, one in my program, and the other in Family Health - both neighbors on either side of me! I've lost a few pounds, walking in the heat. I've gotten almost everything I need, and been reassured that my non-Littman, non-expensive stthoscope is just fine by someone who is a RN. What a relief! There's a lot going on (of course) and I have a lot to say, but for now, I will just say I'm glad I came two weeks before school started!

Short Break

Today is my last day of work.
It feels unbelievably good.

Two weeks of packing are ahead of me, and I think I will need every day of it.

I will be offline for the next two weeks.

The next time I post I will have made it to my new school in a new city!

A nice bed and food in the kitchen,

that's what my desire for our new home has dwindled down to.

Taking my husband into consideration, I'll add "and a big tv."

I want to simplify. I am thinking of giving away most of my little library. I really shouldn't be hauling all of these books with me, and I haven't figured out how I would anyway. What are the chances that I will read them again? How many of the clothes in my closet do I actually wear? And how many of the shoes? How many plates, cups, glasses and bowls do two people really need? Why do we have 8 place settings? I've never had a table big enough to seat 8 people. How many bath towels are too many? Some of it is inherited, my grandmother is the ultimate domestic. But I also think I've become a slave to American consumerism, and it's bothering me. Would I want red walls if I didn't spend so much time at Target or watching HGTV? Why can't I wear a uniform - blue jeans and a white tshirt - every single day? If I knew, for an absolute fact, that no one was going to visit me for an entire year, would I care if my towels matched my shower curtain or if my sheets matched my comforter?

Probably not. Why do I still care, despite the fact that the only people who will ever be staying at my house are the people who already know me intimately anyway? Part of it is that I'm trying to create "home." A sense of permanency that we have never had since getting married. I want to have a sanctuary to come home to at the end of the day, and that includes walls that don't look like institutional walls. Ok. That's all fine and good, paint fixes that. But what about this other stuff? How much does it have to cost me before I feel like I'm home? Can I really feel like I'm at home in a home without books? Why isn't home wherever me and my husband are? Why isn't home anchored inside of me?

My husband has his belongings down to one suitcase. One damn suitcase?! Why can't I do that? I am going to do that. I am giving myself ONE SUITCASE for my belongings.

I'm letting go of the clutter.

I will embrace simplicity, and hopefully gain some clarity along the way.

GradPLUS is a bust.

Remember when I was all excited about the new federal loan program for grad students? Go here to jog your memory: http://minoritynursingstudent.blogspot.com/2006/02/important-news.html

I was denied this federal loan. Supposedly as long as you had no bankruptcies or school loans in default, you were eligible (per final email before applying today) but this is not the case. I don't know what the requirements are, as there are many different "facts" out there, and they all say something different. So, there it is.

It's been a long, emotional day. I'm tired and I'm frustrated. Someone asked me why don't I just go to medical school today. My answer was "why don't you." My usual default answer is "because I do not believe in the medical model for pregnancy and childbirth" but today I didn't have the patience, nor am I in the mood.

I want to climb into a bed with real quilts and down pillows in a freezing cold room with the windows open.

I seriously want to cut off all my hair, but I'm resisting the urge.

Ramblings

School News: I ordered the required background check from the required company. The first charge was $20. Good enough. But, then I get an email saying that another $42 has been charged to my account because I had multiple addresses in multiple states and counties listed. I hope I'm not going to have to pay for each and every address I have lived at for the last ten years...that would be disastrous. Why is everything always more expensive than it's supposed to be?

New site: http://shapeofamother.blogspot.com/ This site is about how pregnancy changes the body, physically. Women post photos of their bodies with the hopes that these realistic pictures will help other women realize the beauty of their bodies, or at least the normality if they can't yet come to appreciate it as beauty. Gazing at stretch marks, love handles, and an amazing amount of skin for the last hour made me feel feel unusually good about my own body, even if it isn't post-pregnancy weight that made me this way. Well worth the visit.

Food: It's been going well. No sugar, but some whole grains. Scale still moving in my favor, and I'm very very close to my 3-months-ago weight. Feels good.

Update: It's confirmed, my friend is pregnant. (see post "Mean and Other Things") I don't know what to say or do. Do I stop by and offer my support (phone is disconnected)? Seems invasive, not respectful of her space. Do I write her a letter? Seems impersonal, especially for how close we are(don't be fooled by her secrecy about this pregnancy, we usually are very close, and now I know why we haven't been talking). I don't know what to do, any advice?

Mean and Other things

So Mean.

I have this reputation, but I think people with limited vocabularies don’t really mean it…they just don’t know what else to call it. I’ve been called a “serious” person also…I think that’s more accurate. But anyway, in the meantime, I’ve been thinking about where this came from.

We’re all in our mid-late twenties (my friends and family I spend most of my time with). It’s the men who always say that I am so mean. Well, I think one issue is that they all have very young girlfriends. Why does this matter? They aren’t women yet. They never say what they really feel, they act as though they don’t have any intelligent thoughts of their own. Therefore, in a group setting, I am the only outspoken female. That, and the fact that I have less tact than they like – nevermind the fact that the men in our group setting never ever monitor, adjust or otherwise censor what they say- makes me "mean."

Second, I hold people personally accountable for their lives. I can’t help it. If you don’t want to think about anything other than Playstation, pop culture, and bikini models, we aren’t going to have much to talk about. But, what this means is that I don’t last very long in group settings; I get bored fast. And so occasionally I ask a tough question…something like “are you looking for a job?” Man, so hard, I know.

The bottom line? I say what I want among a roomful of ego-filled men, and I don’t apologize for it and I don't pretend to like everybody. Really, I have a hard time having a beer with someone who slapped his girlfriend last night. Call me mean, but hell no I don't want to go bowling with you.

Anyway.

Last night I learned that a very, very good friend of mine might be pregnant again. I saw her not too long ago and she looked pregnant, but I dismissed it as gained weight - even though she had the pregnancy-mask face. But then my mom asked me about it, and I truthfully answered that I didn't think so. Then she asked me about it again. I said I have no idea. Yesterday, my cousin came over and said "I saw your friend at work today - you didn't tell me she was having another baby!" I said, "I don't think she is." He said "Oh yes! she is. It's obvious. She's wobbling."

Then everything started to add up. She's been incognito. For months. She didn't come to my graduation party. At the time I didn't think much of it because NONE of my friends came. (A whole 'nother post that will probably never be published, but simply put - it hurt and it sucked) But now I am realizing that she has not followed through with anything we have planned in the last few months. I haven't physically seen her for an extended period of time for over 4 months. She doesn't take my calls, but again -my other friends had stopped taking my calls too, so I just figured everybody was into their own stuff (which happens sometimes). But then there was this; my mom went to her house to visit her, and she only poked her head around the door (body hidden), she didn't let my mom in, which is very, very strange. So, now I think it might be true. What's the point? This is her 5th child. She's a good mother, but times are hard for us working poor. She doesn't have help. She's trying to do the honorable thing and raise her children without assistance form the government. But I can't imagine how this will be possible with a new little one, and only making minimum wage. I admire her tenacity.

I wish I could help her. I wish she would answer my calls. Eventually I will just show up at her house to talk to her. But how ackward. She obviously doesn't want anyone to know, but it kills me to know that she might be dealing with this without any support whatsoever. But exactly how supportive can I be, leaving in less than a month?

Wikipedia meme

I got this from Karen's blog:

http://chialing81.blogspot.com/2006_06_01_chialing81_archive.html

"Go to Wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Main_Page
and look up your birthday (excluding the year). List three neat facts, two births, and one death in your journal, including the year."

Neat facts:
1873 - Censorship: The U.S. Congress enacts the Comstock Law, making it illegal to send any "obscene, lewd, or lascivious" books through the mail.

1923 - TIME magazine is published for the first time.

1991 - An amateur video captures the beating of Rodney King by Los Angeles police officers.

Births:
1962 - Jackie Joyner-Kersee, American athlete

1981 - Lil' Flip, American rapper

Death:
1937 - Amelia Earhart, American pilot (disappeared)

Tomorrow's post will be my reaction to "You so damn mean." I am giving myself a day to think about it bcecause otherwise it would be a post full of obscenities because I am so tired of hearing this...especially from black men.

4 weeks from now

I’ll be home – hopefully, both physically and mentally. I’m hoping our new city hits the spot and becomes a place we can stand to live for at least ten years. I am tired of packing, moving, and unpacking. I want red walls, wood floors, and black and white photographs on my walls. I want to cook in my own kitchen.

If you’ve been keeping up, you’ll remember my Sugar post. Well, the day after that, I gave it up. I still use sugar substitutes, and I still get plenty of sugar by eating whole fruit, but that’s it. For those of you who have never tried it, that cuts out a lot of food. Especially since I no longer eat refined carbs like white bread, flour, etc. I eat plenty of complex carbs though, and I will eat whole grain bread when I want to. Oh, and I don’t eat after 7 or 8. I found a neat little website that keeps track of everything for me: www.calorie-count.com and so far it’s going better than expected. Also, I have been walking but lately it’s been a very muggy, humid 100 degrees and walking outside is just out of the question.

Anyway, I have a school update:

I received my registration packet, and man was it thick. I had a few new tasks to do, including going online to register for (and pay for) a criminal background check, online loan entrance counseling and new promissory notes, and voter registration. Our orientation is a week long, but includes things like HIPPA training, immunization clinics, and IT seminars to designed to get our PDAs up and running. There is also a lab coat/school patch ceremony, which I think is great. There are also some built in family-friendly activities each day, including the first meeting for spouses of nursing students. I wonder if he’ll go for it.

My guess is no.

First Tuition Bill

I got my first tuition bill in the mail today. I owe $1,087.50 for the fall semester, which is more than I expected. Tuition went up more than $500 per semester, big suprise. I emailed my husband to tell him the news and he said "It isn't that bad, really." I needed to hear that. I swear, every time we manage to save over $1,000, we get a hit like this which makes us start all over again. It could be worse, I could be staring at the bill with absolutely no clue as to how I am going to pay it. It feels good to be able to pay in full and not have to make arrangements like I'm used to having to do - even if it means we're almost back to zero in savings.

I haven't been sleeping well, worried about it all. The man will have to find a job that pays what we need within 30 days so that the money will be there when we need it 60 days after arriving. I have never moved with so little saved. I am trying to tell myself "what a great adventure," but all that comes to mind is "two months away from homelessness." It's a lesson in faith, and I hope I pass.

Book List

I fell in love with this over at maryann's blog: www.thisblackgirlreads.org and I am stealing the idea (in part) by creating a list of ten books I would like to read by the end of the year! The books are listed on the lower right side of my blog.

I read a lot, but inconsistently and very narrowly. So, I am going to get some help with suggestions for the last few so that I can broaden my horizons...

Someone Else's Children

I spent a couple days last week braiding 2 of my little cousins' hair. My cousin has four children, and her brother and his wife were visiting with their two children. Over the course of the couple of days I teased the adults about all of their kids that filled the 2 bedroom apartment. Most of the time I was tired of the noise. But other times, I was filled with an overwhelming desire to go home to my husband and make babies. If only it were that simple. Don't get me wrong, we have the act of making babies down to a pleasurable, magnificent science. But it's the conceiving that hasn't worked for us over the last 6 years. We fluctuate between wanting and not wanting to have children. The wanting is what came first, but after some years, we realized that not having children is also working pretty well for us. We get to spend a lot of time together and do a lot of things people with children either do not have the opportunity to do, or can not do without a lot of planning. But I know we're missing out something, too. Even through all the screaming and turned over cups of red Kool-Aid, there was a sense of family that is a little harder to grasp when there are only two of us. So I sat there, feeling lonely despite the fact that I was surrounded by family and feeling a little empty for not being a part of the "mommy club." But then my father called, and I remembered...

Sugar

I'm addicted to it. I admit it. I've been thinking about this 25 pounds I need to lose, and my plan to lose it before school offically starts in September, but it seems unlikely as I can not stop eating sugar. I don't like to be conquered by anything, so this is really starting to bug me.

Losing My Mind

Not even five minutes ago, the eternal question resurfaced: Why *Ivy1*? I am so sick of the bullshit. I am just going to be ornery and answer "Why not?" from now on. Why in the hell is it so hard to understand? I have all of these wonderful, non-defensive answers worked out now (because I have been asked so many times) but at this point I just want to say "because I want to, and that's enough." What is wrong with people? Why must I be mediocre? And when I say mediocre, I am not comparing myself to people who don't want to go to the schools I aspired to go to, I am only comparing myself to myself. Why should I not push myself to my fullest potential? I know, and they know, that I have always wanted to be in a place where I fit in intellectually, where people don't ask silly shit like "why are you reading?" or "are you going to spend all day in the library/book store?" or "when is enough school going to be enough?" or "what does that have to do with your degree?" like the only knowledge I should attempt to acquire is that which is directly related to one freaking degree. Are you kidding me? Some people learn just for the sake of learning. Some people read simply because they can, and it feels good. Some people write because they can't not write. I am one of those people, and I can't wait to sit in a room full of other people who feel the same way. Not people who feel the same way I do about everything in life - hell, it's better when smart people disagree because that's when real discussion happens. But I can't wait to be in a room full of people who don't consider critical thinking to be abnormal. People who are pissed that the library is closing right when the article was getting good, or when they finally found the book they wanted to browse only to find out that it must remain in the library. I want to have coffee with thinkers on a regular basis, and I don't want to spend too many hours of my life trying to coordinate it. Yes, you can call me at 4 in the morning to say "I can't stop thinking about what Cosey said, did you get it?" or "I can't sleep, can u believe what professor X said in class today?" Yeah, I might ask "What time is it?" but I will talk about the topic at hand just the same, and be thankful that you gave me something new to think about.

I swear, people will make you feel like you're crazy if you let them. There aint nuthin wrong with me. I know exactly what I want, and I am not going to be bothered by the fact that it exceeds what you happened to have imagined for me. You should've dreamed bigger.

Vacationing in St. Louis

I spent a week in St. Louis for vacation, dishing it up with cousins who are like sisters to me. This photo, however, is an imposter! I didn't take any pictures over the week. We did attempt to go to the top of the arch, but we never made it up because the lines were too long. But I did touch it, if that means anything. LOL. I had a great time doing everything and nothing all at the same time. Lots of drinking and lots of riding around seeing the sites (happy hour was a staple of our diet!) We also went to Union Station, which I thought was beautiful - especially when compared to East St. Louis...

My cousins live in the burbs, as they are well-educated, young folks who have had their fill of the hoodlife - especially since they're raising children. But they took me to the east side and, like all other similar hoods in our country, it was unbelievably discouraging. Pointing out the clinics, dead hospitals, and Planned Parenthood's along the way (because that's my thing - and theirs too) it was hard to keep in mind that the buildings I saw were actually functioning dwellings. Don't get me wrong, I've seen it before...Chicago and DC come to mind...but the bars, the trash, and the neglect never become normal. It always catches you off guard, like "where are we?" even if only 1 second later you remember that you are in the United States of America. It forced me to reevaluate my coping mechanisms. I have been thinking about/writing about how I will cope with continually being in the position of helping people in the most impoverished parts of our country without losing my joy, when each and everyone one of them will remind me of myself. There is some joy in the helping, but there is also pain and the pain is what kept us from staying too long in that part of town, and why the car gets quiet when we pass through row after row of the 'jects. It is because we all know that but by the grace of God we were granted the state of mind to climb out of, or alltogether avoid, the mentality of powerlessness and victimization that was constantly forced down our throats.

UNO Dean Slaps Student...

and GETS AWAY WITH IT. There is so much I could say, but I recently posted what I think about my undergrad institution in the post titled "Article Published in the School Newspaper." No one is suprised that he hasn't been (and won't be) fired. This is the way this campus works. What I can say is, at this point, I recommend that the student go and slap the shit out this man, since there will be no consequence for the action anyway, right? People will say more violence will not help the situation. I say, if the authorities do not give you the justice you deserve, weigh the consequences, then get it for yourself.

Reading Like Hell

I have been reading anything I can get my hands on, including bell hooks. At different times in my life I have tried reading her work but haven't been able to stay focused long enough to digest anything. For me, she is like Toni Morrison, unavailable, without devoting a serious amount of time to the task of reading her. But the other day I spent almost 8 hours in a bookstore thumbing through several of her books. For those of you who don't know, a lot of her chapters can stand alone, so I often look through the table of contents, pick an interesting chapter title, and dive in. This time, I picked up Where We Stand: Class Matters. I don't know how I feel about the fact that I found this book extremely accessible just yet, but I do know that I had been waiting for something that I could relate to that talks about what it is to come from a class different than the one they eventually settle into as an adult, and about what it is to come from lower-middle class America and survive in ivy academia. I had been thinking about what my experiecnes might be like when the time comes (if it ever comes) for us to buy a home. Will people take one glance at my cornrowed husband and declare that the house has been sold?

My recent devouring of so much text has also reminded me of my own committment to writing. I had already accepted that I have a story worth telling, but I have only begun to accept that not only am I the only one who can tell it, but that I actually have the skills to do it. Being confident in those skills is a double edged sword; Accepting that I can do it, makes me feel obligated to do it, and I hate feeling obligated.

Puerto Ricans say...

"Aint we American?"

I saw Rosie Perez on The View this morning and she said that while Puerto Ricans can be drafted to the American Army (because they're Americans, as Puerto Rico is a U.S. territory) they can't vote. The fact that they can't vote wasn't news to me...but the fact that they *can* be drafted pissed me off. I also hear that this is true of citizens of DC?? I am scrambling to find out the answer to this...