NHSC is Not Doing Interviews for 2007

The National Health Service Corps is not conducting interviews for its 2007-2008 scholarship cycle...it just never ends with this program.

Let me start from the beginning. When I was applying to grad school, I found out that there really isn't any good financial aid for programs like mine (direct-entry/grad-entry programs in nursing, also called bridge programs) nor for graduate professional school in general. Everyone speaks of one or two programs when considering aid: the National Health Service Corp Scholarship & Loan Repayment Program, and the Scholarships for Disadvantaged Students Program. (The Nursing Scholarship Program is mostly for undergrads)

NHSC does not accept students in bridge programs, so we apply after the first year when, technically, we are no longer in a bridge program. You can see a snipet of the history of NHSC here, pay specific attention to the "NHSC milestones." Over the years, the program has been reducing its scholarship offerings in favor of the loan repayment program, which costs them less to provide, and in the '80's there was a severe decline in aid because the country expected a physician surplus. At this point, the program is almost all loan repayment, and I predict that in the next few years the scholarship will no longer be offered. I believe this will directly impact the number of minority physicians and APRNs because I have read articles stating that at times the number of minority students in this program exceeds 50% of the total of participants. (I will try to find a public link to one of these articles or at least tell you the name of it so you can look it up!)

The problem this year is that they all of a sudden decided not to conduct interviews for this program! Instead, they will select awardees based solely on their application...an application that has no essay, no place to indicate involvement in the community or any other volunteer experiences, no way to indicate who you are! How do you select people like this? The application is basically a personality assessment...and it happens to be culturally biased. I think the interviews were crucial to the selection process, and that in the absence of these interviews the demographics of their awardees will change significantly...that is unless they use the demographic section of the application to select a specific percentage of minority and non-minority applicants...is that still legal?

Anyway, all of this is just to say my number one plan for funding the next two years of school looks like it just fell through. I'm still applying, but interviews are a strength of mine, and with only the application it doesn't look good. The positive is that I can just stay and go straight to the doctoral program (maybe part time, I'm tired of school).

Oh! And the problem with the Schlarships for Disadvantaged Students Program is that none of the schools I applied to participate. You must apply through the financial aid office of your school. When I asked about this, they said that they don't meet the requirements for the program - mainly, they don't have enough minority students enrolled to qualify for the program, which seems backwards to me...

Pscyh Clinical: Week Five

My fifth week of Psych clinical ended yesterday and, for the second time, my preceptor asked me, "Are you sure you don't want to go into Psych?" Followed with, "You'd be perfect for it." I kindly told her I was sure and we laughed, but later my groupmates said that I made this terrible face when she said it and that's what all the laughter was about. I really gotta work on my facial expressions! It's not that I can't see myself as a Psych APRN, it's just that I can't see myself as NOT being a midwife. This conversation happened after my conversation with a patient (another black woman on the unit who, like my last patient, is also addicted to cocaine) lasted an hour long - significant because she had refused to talk to staff and other students on the unit. This woman had had an "outburst" earlier in the week; she had called the social worker on staff a "racist bitch" and was screaming at her uncontrollably. Of course the staff just considered her to be very angry about something else, and requested that she apologize to the social worker after speaking to her about her feelings. Which is all fine and good (and necessary) but I also wanted to validate her feelings about the social worker, because angry or not, drug addicted or not, right now this patient is techinically clean (albeit only a month's worth, but still clean) and so she knows what she's saying and my guess was that she had a reason for saying it, so I asked her about it. Sure enough, the patient had an altercation with the social worker earlier in the month in which the social worker decided to interview another patient (a white patient) who had just got admitted that morning instead of her, despite the fact that she had been there 3 days already. I asked her why would the social worker do that...what would she get out of it? She said that she and the other black patients on the unit have all had negative experiences with the SW and the patient herself had had some negative experiences with the SW on her last stay on the unit some months ago, and that she felt like she just didn't like or wasn't comfortable interacting with them, and that maybe she was intimidated. So we talked for a while about all of that, and how to get what you came to get despite her or anyone else and then we moved on to other things. But later I followed up with other patients about their experiences on the unit, specifically as they pertained to racism (or not) and the same sentiments were expressed without my mentioning the SW or anyone else specifically. So it made for an interesting day, and when I questioned my preceptor about the SW, she said she thinks it has less to with race and more to do with the fact that the SW isn't very good at what she does, and some patients (I add: "especially the black patients who proabably have more experience because of socioeconomic differences on the unit") know more about the system than she does, which really irritates the patients. That sounds like it could be true. Anyway, I also spent a long time talking to this patient about books (she was thumbing through O mag while we were talking) and she happens to be very well read and *almost* (LOL) put me to shame! (now isn't that snobbish...elitist...ohhhh, someone like *her* could not possobly be more well read than *I*...mhmh) What a great Friday at clinical.

*The photo above is of Africans Americans at Spring Grove Hospital Center. When (if) you go the page to read about this place, look in the right hand column of topics and you'll find "African American Patients at Spring Grove." It's probably the first Psych hospital to accept free or enslaved African Americans.

Psych Mid-clinical Evaluation

I have a Pathophysiology exam in a week, then my Pharmacology final, Biomed final, and Psych final all in the span of two days...a hellish Monday and Tuesday.

I've started reading 72 Hour Hold because it's over 300 pages and my paper is due in three weeks, but I want to turn it in in two weeks because there's a lot going on the week it's due...

Thursday I have to present a case report on my chosen psych patient...and do a skills check off to prove I haven't forgotten the skills I learned last semester - eventhough I have.

I never talk about my psych rotation...here's the patient I'm presenting this week...which should give you some clue to what I'm going through:

In a few weeks, the day before my birthday, she will turn 36. She has five children ranging in age from 5 months to 19 years. She has a history of marijuana, alcohol and cocaine cocaine abuse, starting at age 13. She does not have custody of any of her children, they all live with her grandmother. She has been hospitalized twice for post traumatic stress disorder, depression, and substance abuse. Her mother was addicted to cocaine when the patient was born...when she gave birth to the patient, she went outside the hospital on a smoke break and never returned, and later died of AIDS. The patient supports herself via prostitution. The patient has been raped and her perp is serving time in prison. She is on our unit for a "treatment seeking" substance abuse study - a cocaine stress test. Because she is treatment seeking, they are not allowed to inject pharmaceutical grade cocaine into her veins, which makes my heart happy because there are others who are NOT "treatment-seeking" and therefore their version of the stress test is to have pharmaceutical cocaine injected intravenously to study the effects of the drug. But her study is a little different: when she came on the unit, she told (and they recorded) her worst experiences with using cocaine...now (for the study) she listens (via headphones) to these stories and they record her body movements, affect, etc.

This is why I chose her to present on:

When the patients are given a mental exam, they are asked to write a sentence. She wrote, "I am sombody productive in society." Her answer to the question "Why did you come here today?" was "I don't know who I am. I just want to know who I am." One moment in time when she was happy? "Journalism class in high school. I want to be a writer." And guess what? She can write. I also chose her because no one else is interested. Because I have been standing up for her and her experiences since I got there, because no one else will.

I had my psych mid-clinical evaluation last week. My preceptor said (after you are so wonderful, brilliant, yada yada yada) "I always give students something to improve on. I don't know what it is, but you've got it. I want to tell you that you can't take this stuff home with you, that you can't feel it the way you do because it's not healthy for you. I don't know if you can turn it off. Your heart is big. You shouldn't take all of this in. I don't know what makes you do it..." I know how it sounds cheezy, but I promise it's true.

I wanted to ask if it was really that hard to understand. All of these black patients. No black practitioners. No practitioners who come from the very environments that they criticize on a daily basis. No understanding of how much work it takes to coordinate section 8, food stamps, and utility assistance. No idea what is to stand outside in below zero windchills waiting on a public bus to come to get to those appointments. No understanding of what is to be a black girl in room full of entitled professional white people talking trash about black people and their lives...as if I'm invisible...or maybe they just don't give a damn that I'm sitting there...or maybe I've reached that "different kind of black person" status.

She's right, I'm taking it in - isn't that what we're supposed to do? Or was this supposed to be a game? A way to say "I've served the poor, the disadvantaged. See, I care." She's right, I take it home with me and digest it to the best of my ability because until I take it home and digest it - make some sense of it, I can't move on. I can't not feel it. I can't turn it off, believe me I've tried for so long.

"I don't know what makes you do it."

My heart is big. My heart is big. My heart is big.

I had this long post typed out just now and it crashed. Man.

I had this strange experience where I missed my own blog. Meaning, I sat down to read my blog...as in "I haven't read so-n-so's blog in a while, let me see if she has a new post" like it isn't my own blog...it was strange.

Anyway, I guess I am sitting here to write (rewrite) the post I wanted to read...

I didn't make the things to do before I die list yet, but I did visit a new place on campus! I went to a pregnancy photography talk that was about how society has shaped the images of pregnant women we see (or don't see) and about the evolution of the photographing of pregnant bellies. It was great.

Per one of my goals, I took note of some meaningful things I did over the week, including talk to a girl in my class about health disparities until 1am one night, and unofficially submitting a praxis idea to an advisor after waking up at 4 am one morning with it on my mind.

I also took note of watching the superbowl, which turned out to be so much more emotional than I thought it would be...it was the commercial that did it! I realized that when I'm old and some youngins are talking about the year when two black men went to the superbowl as coaches, I would be able to say "I remember that."

The brown people have officially decided to get together *regularly* (finally) for something one of us coined Brown Folks Brown Bag...I guess we're going to be meeting over lunch. I can't wait.

And then there's this:

I’M GOING HOME!

A New Month, A New Outlook

January flew by. One of the things I realize is that I missed it! One of my goals for the year was to be in the moment more often, which for me starts with being in the month, instead of constantly thinking about the 1/5/10 year projection of my life. It is so easy to live lecture to lecture, test to test in nursing school. In a way, that is living day to day, in the moment, but it is also a very narrow view because school is always the focus. Some would say, "but oh that is the life of the student" but what I realize is that my life in general has been a bit heavy on the waiting...when was an undergrad, I couldn't wait to finish and get the hell away from that institution, now I can't wait to be done with this RN-heavy year of my grad program and get on to things I'm actually interested in, and as I looked at my pitiful W2, I can't wait to finish all this education and actually get a job...I am not a career student (contrary to what my family probably thinks!) My point is that I spend a lot of my life "waiting" for it to really start, instead of being grounded in the reality that it has very much started in the here and now, and as I wait for it, it is passing me by. That's so cliche. I've read the million emails that tell you to live each day like it's your last, but I just don't have the guts I guess. But what I can do is write down more than just my work/school/clinical/social schedule in my planner. I can write down a goal for the week and a confirmation that I successfully achieved it. I can write down something out of the ordinary that I did that day before I go to bed. The whole idea is to be able to look back on the month and feel like I did something other than take 3 exams, work 50 hours, log 65+ hours of clinical, or meet a classmate to study. Maybe if I have a written record that I've helped my brother with his math homework, or me and my husband went to dinner, or I read a book in a beautiful library for two hours, or I went to a coffee house and journaled about my life on Maple Street, I would be less likely to feel like my whole life is passing me by while I'm in this program...

My goal for next week is to make a list of 25 things I want to do before I die, and to visit a new place on campus.

Psych Clinical

I realize I haven't said much about my psych rotation. Last night I talked to my friend and I realized that this is because I don't have the language for what is happening on the unit at this facility. In my "Psych Clinical Orientation" post (just look down a few posts) I talked about how glad I was that the unit is a voluntary research unit. I am still glad to be on the unit because 1)I think it's better than the alternative, which would be inpatient involuntary, which isn't really my speed, and 2)Because I think I needed to see what I'm seeing...even though I don't quite know why.

What I am seeing is a disproportionate number of black people involved in clinical trials for drugs that both have and have not been tested before, including pharmaceutical-grade cocaine (which is a drug that "has" been tested, vs drugs that are not yet FDA approved), and patients in experimental treatments that involve brain manipulation and a form of electric shock therapy. YES, there is "informed consent" on the unit - meaning the patients signed that they agree to participate. But repeatedly I am hearing from patients that they really didn't understand what they were signing (and the staff/researchers on the unit consider this to be a delusional moment related to their illness, ie: they understood, but they just don't remember that they understood!) Now, I am questioning exactly what informed consent really means...especially when someone is going through withdrawal or has an 8th grade level of education...according to Wikipedia, "The individual needs to be in possession of all of his faculties, such as not being mentally retarded or mentally ill and without an impairment of judgment at the time of consenting. Such impairments might include illness, intoxication, drunkenness, using drugs, insufficient sleep, and other health problems." A lot of what I see is troubling...

My friend asked me something about processing it all or coping or something (I don't remember what the exact question was) but now I'm thinking about it...

I know what I feel and why I feel it, but I have yet been able to articulate it, meaning I don't have the academic language for the problem that I am seeing. I have put up my reading list for 2007 and includes the book "Medical Apartheid: The Dark History of Medical Experimentation on Black Americans from Colonial Times to the Present." I think this book will help give me the language and a way to process this BS in a way that allows me to recover mentally and spiritually from what I am witnessing, especially in the absence of some much needed ongoing conversation about it.

In the mean time, when talking to my husband about my theory of not having the academic language to express my psych experience, he, with his knack for bringing me back to reality, asked me "why do you have to explain it in academic language, what's wrong with regular ol' language?!" I laughed so hard! But it's true. What's wrong the way I've been explaining it to him? Or the way I (half) explained to it to my friend? Really there's nothing wrong with it...and if I could get away with it - using an unimaginable number expletives (as I do with him) and my animated way of talking fast in half sentences, all breathless and sometimes hopeless (as I do with my friends)- the truth is, I would. But that just doesn't cut it in the classroom. After all, their is that pesky double consciousness to deal with; I rarely speak in class unless I have completely formulated the thought and have the appropriate (ie, acceptable) language to present my comment. Fair? NO. Necessary? ABSOLUTELY.

So, I am going to dive into "Medical Apartheid" slowly, and I hope that the history presented is accurate and that the language of the author gives me a way to voice what I'm feeling and recover from the trauma caused to my psyche from this rotation.

Papaya Uteri, Race & Media Invasion

A great workshop was ruined by the media. It started very slowly, as people introduced themselves (mostly medicine and nursing - all grad level) the occasional undergrad would introduce him or herself and they would be journalism or political science majors. At first we were glad to have the diversity; I think these folks belong at the abortion discussion table. But then their questions and incessant scribbling started the buzz, and when we began to actually do the hands-on portion of the workshop, the cameras came flying out - including video cameras! I did get to practice once, but this pretty much ended the workshop for me. I can't stand to have strangers taking my picture without my permission, and I definitely do not consent to being videotaped by someone with their own video camera.


And, I've reached my limit with the university, in general, trying to sneak pictures of me and my friends for their diversity campaigns! Did I mention this in another post? I can't remember, but at any rate it's happened quite a few times. I really do leave as soon as people bring the cameras out - especially as the number of instances that make me feel like I'm an impostor on this campus increase...Did I mention the case of mistaken identity that happened a few weeks ago? Well, while at the nursing school - in my school sweatshirt - with my school ID hanging around my neck - with my bookbag on my back - leaving the computer lab...I was somehow mistaken for a member of the cleaning crew. Yep, for real. There was some internal struggle as I wanted to correct this person without giving the impression that I don't respect the cleaning crew or other "blue collar" workers, especially since on some days it is their faces, their smiles and laughter, and their speaking to me that makes my day. But at the same time I want people to have to face their issue about me being here to study just like Suzy...

And yet another incident just yesterday: I went to one of many libraries on campus that has like a million very important, one of a kind texts that are under heavy security and for the use of students and faculty only. I walked into this library (for the first time) and asked about the current exhibit (which is open to the public) and also about seeing, touching, admiring the first edition Morrison's The Bluest Eye. This man looked me in my face and said that although I could walk around and look at the exhibit, it would be "impossible" for me to see the text or enter the research basement because that area was for "scholars only." I said to myself, "THAT is what it felt like to hear "Whites Only." I was taken aback, yet again. (It surprises me when I am surprised because one would think I'd get used to it) I said to him "Oh, and I am not a scholar?" He backtracked quickly of course, but "And aren't I a woman?" replayed in my head a million times.

When is it going to end? Or when will I be blind, mute, and deaf to it? Curse you - thou who held my hand and walked me into knowing awakefulness...Geesh, I didn't ask for it! By the way, how do I turn it off? LOL

No Providers, No Choice

I saw a bumper sticker Wednesday that said "No Provider, No Choice." It came right on the heels of a conversation with my good friend N where I said I find conflict with being pro-choice and not willing to be a practitioner who provides abortions. I do not mean that I think every practitioner who is pro choice should have to perform abortions, but that I, personally, find it hard to claim that I am pro choice if I am not willing to be the one to provide/perform the abortion. We also talked about whether I would perform an abortion all the way through the law's determination of how far along a woman can be and still have access, or if I would have my own moral "number line" that I would not be willing to cross. It turns out that I also have a problem with determining what the number should be...meaning that if 16 weeks is what is determined to be the latest an abortion is available, that would probably be my cut off as well. Then we talked about safety of providers and about being stuck doing abortions forever once you start because there will be so few providers.

I will be going to a workshop next week to learn how to perform a Manual Vacuum Aspiration (MVA) The workshop will provide a hands-on learning opportunity using papayas as the uterine model.

Here is a link to statistics about abortion providers in the US.

I also recently watched the movie "The Cider House Rules" which deals with this issue, and it was great! This is an older movie that a lot of people have already seen, but I had somehow missed it.

I never really thought about whether or not I would be an abortion provider because it's not something that CNMs typically do. In most states, 44 to be exact, only physicians can provide abortions. However, if I end up in one of the 6 states where midwives are the providers, or as the law expands or changes, I will be a provider, and I know that scares some people. For a quick history of the role of CNMs in abortion, click here.

New Applicants

New applicants to the nursing program started interviewing yesterday. Wednesday night me, M, and U, took the student M was hosting out to happy hour and gave her the low down because she had to leave the next day right after her interview and so she wasn't going to be able to go to a potluck. Then, Thursday (after my 7:30am - 4 pm clinical) I participated in the diversity session for applicants from 4-5:15 (which only had only one racial minority at it!) and then went to the potluck for new applicants at 5:30 and talked till 8. My voice hurt, my feet hurt, and I was exhausted. But I really do believe that people should know the truth about whatever program they apply to. This school is not a good fit for everybody and, just like every other institution, there are things that they claim they do, that they don't - and those are the things I want people to be aware of.

The diversity session was irritating at first because staff and faculty were present and wanted to (of course) present the school as a diverse and welcoming institution. I have no problem with this, but I do believe that the numbers should be mentioned! And I think "diversity" should be explained further, as in..."we're referring to diversity of sexual orientation rather than race." And think you can say, "our racial diversity this past year was X%, and although that's not necessarily a high percentage, it's more than last year's Y%" Those are the kinds of things I would say if I were from the diversity committee! But anyway, after they left, we had a real conversation about what the school really offers/doesn't offer and how it does or does not affect students. Basically, there is a committee, and so far I have known of one event they hosted (and it was a good event) but not much else. We also talked about the lack of conversation about diversity in the classroom and it's absence from the first-year curriculum all together. I think the student's got much more out of it after the faculty and staff left, and I think it was even more helpful because the three different students had very different experiences at the school.

I made a point of hugging and talking to the 2 black women applicants at the potluck. I don't think it was something many people noticed (I simply hugged them and said "special welcome, nice to see you" in their ear while I did it) and they were grateful. There were two other current students who are black women there, but one did not speak and the other did, but passes so it was lost on them. The first one said "I'm glad you came over" and the other said "it's nice to be seen." One of my friends who did see it all questioned me about it. At the time I just said "because" and smiled. I didn't feel like explaining. But now I do:

I don't think people get how isolated one can feel, even in a room full of people. You're standing there with your gold and tattoos, in urban hip hop wear, with a body frame that takes up a different kind of space than anyone else (woman number 1) or you have a great big afro with hoop earrings and are openly lesbian (woman 2) and you're nervous as hell. You gotta get over so many extra anxieties before the interview even starts! No matter how confident you were before you got off the plane and arrived at the school for your interview, when you step into the room this sea of whiteness blinds you until you see at least one person who looks like you, and when you find her you only hope she's as happy to see you as you are to see her! I recognized it in our new applicants, and I was proud to see that they found each other.

I'm so happy that I decided to go, despite my exhaustion.

Post -It Note

Today is one of those days where I actually finished every single thing on my Post-It Note, and it feels so good. When I looked at the list, I realized that it is also a good mini-glimpse of an ordinary off-day of a nursing student:

Study Lecture 3 of Psych, before 10 am!
Study Pharm Anti-Infectives, before lunch!
Turn in work forms to Human Resources
Get final Hep B shot and take release form back to school
Reply to the dean's email
RSVP for tomorrow's potluck with new applicants
Fax forms to social services office
Mail letter to my mother

Now I'm work.

Psych Clinical Orientation

I oriented to my new Psych clinical rotation on Friday. I wondered why my clinical group only had 3 people in it, including myself. (That's less than half the normal size of a group) Turns out my placement is on a very small unit - only about 8 patients - inpatient, locked unit. The patients have severe OCD, Schizophrenia, and substance addictions. The best thing about our unit is that it's a research unit, which means that the patients are inpatient voluntarily and that they get paid to participate. The worst is that facility is state funded, which we all know means that they're broke. The facilty has inpatient, outpatient, and walk-up services.

I was the first one there for the orientation and had to sit in the lobby by myself for 30 minutes because everyone else was late. It was...interesting. Many, many black folks, and consequently many, many young men trying to "get to know me." I met two black men who rapped out loud to themselves the whole time. They weren't paying any attention to me, but I was listening to them. I have always been fascinated by what I presume to be a very thin line between psychosis and sanity. Everything they said made sense, and that was my worse fear for this rotation. What does it mean if psychotic people make perfectly good sense to me? There was a lot of conspiracy theory in their rhymes, but I believe in a few so-called conspiracy theories myself. I'm not saying that I can't recognize the difference between me, a non-psychotic person, and them. However, I think we have gravely underestimated the psychological trauma related to racism in this country and so I can't help but wonder how many of these people used to be just fine (or borderline, like we all are) and then they just snapped under the reality of this life?

Our professor gave an example of an African American married man who had to work two full time jobs to make ends meet for his family; one day he woke up and decided that he just couldn't do it anymore and he went into a severely depressive & suicidal state and had to be instituionalized. I must say I CAN imagine. The goal is to get the person to remove their stressor, to put things into perspective, to change. How do you tell someone not to work as much? Are you going to supplement his income? How does a person without very many marketable skills find a job that pays so well that he will be able to work one job? If he could find it, wouldn't he already have it? Who chooses to work two full time jobs for their entire life? The point is, what if the event that leads to psychosis is just life. What if you are being crushed under the weight of a circumstance that isn't going to change?

There were many other examples, and a good friend of mine asked about the intersection of race and mental health. (We're getting much better at taking turns!) The professor referred anyone who was interested to the works of another person. Now, I am all for providing students with the resources that allow them to investigate something for themselves, but why is it that the impact of race on the psyche is not also a topic that up for discussion in the classroom? If we aren't going to discuss it, then what is the relevance of including the race of the person in the case study examples? And I find it wholly inappropriate to spout statistics that help to set up the minority/unhealthy vs. non-minority/healthy/normal dichotomy without dicussing race at all.

I realize I'm ranting at 2 am Eastern and no one's listening. But the other day I realized that I pay over $1,000 PER WEEK to this place! I refuse to pay AND be invisible. We are reading a novel for this course in order to write a paper on mental health. We write all about the character's mental disease, so it's stuff like The Bell Jar (Plath)(deals with depression) and She's Come Undone (Lamb)(deals with Obesity, PTSD, and depression). I submitted a proposal to read a novel by a black woman because I have reached the point where I refuse to pay and not get what I want. I learned this from my colleagues. These people are vicious climbers, demanders of what they came for - and the only way to not fall victim to getting what's left over because they didn't want it, is to be right there fighting for what you want. It's the game in every sense of the word. I chose 72 Hour Hold by Bebe Moore Campbell (Bipolar mania). What does this have to do with the whole "grad school is a game" theory? It occured to me that the only reason they get what they want is because they have the audacity to demand it.

New Job

Um yeah, ok. I said a friend had a great post up about midwives and fear, and then didn't give you the link! Well it is from Bellytales: Student Midwife, and you can see it here. She really is an excellent writer.

In other news, I got the library job, and I start Tuesday. My main requirement when searching for a job was that I be able to do my homework while at work. The library is perfect for that.

I have a Psych clinical site orientation today, then a trip to human resources to fill out some paperwork, then Student Health for my last Hep B shot, and finally to the library to study for my Pharm exam this upcoming Tuesday. I'm not ready for Pharm, it's been 4 weeks since I looked at a page of Pharm notes. I have a lot of memorizing to do.

Apparently school is in full swing.

Semester 2, Spring 2007

Man I didn't want to come back. My body still isn't used to getting up at 6:15. My mind is still racing at 2 am as I lay in bed trying to fall asleep.

MedSurg ended as you all know, and it has been replaced by Psych on the calender. I have class on Mondays and Tuesdays from 8am to 3pm, and clinical rotations for 8 hours on Thursdays and Fridays.

8 friggin AM: PHARM
10 (Mondays only) BIOMED
(Tuesdays only) PATHOPHYSIOLOGY
1 PM: PSYCH

I have a job interview tomorrow to work at a university library for a few hours a week. Work study at the school isn't very good because it's only 4 hours a week and those 4 hours are so hard to schedule with faculty that it's frustrating. I'm looking for a straight forward schedule of 10-15 hours a week. I don't want to work because I don't think it will be good for me in this program, but what other option do I have? I need money and I need it now. <>

A friend has an interesting post up about the fear of the practitioner (specifically midwives) that is really excellent, check it out.

On a positive note, I read an entire collection of Aaron McGruder's The Boondocks last week, and revisted it this week, and it was PHENOMENAL. I laughed so hard my stomach hurt! And then I watched a Katt Williams stand up special from HBO and again, laughed so hard I cried. His Michael Jackson commentary was on point and brutally honest and funny! Evenif you don't usually like our self-degrading style of black comedy (sometimes it does hurt my heart) I think you'll enjoy Katt's special. And if you are one of those black folks who read, please check out any collection of the Boondocks, it has really cheered me up recently!

Never Drank the Kool-Aid

Finally.

I really enjoyed this collection, which is not suprising because I enjoyed his first collection (short stories) when it came out, too. Never Drank the Kool-Aid is a collection of essays written by Toure. Most of the essays were previously published in magazines like Rolling Stones, The Village Voice, or The New Yorker. Most are interviews with hip hop artists, a few are sports figures and one or two are personal essays.

First, the introduction is a great because 1)It's in list form, and I love lists and 2)It includes a brief, brief history of hip hop section (I'm talking less than one page!) which really summarizes it well! The grouping of essays falls under such headings as "Sensitive Thugs" (including Eminem), "Big Willies" (including Russell Simmons) and "Get Up, Get Out and Get Involved" (including JayZ and Kanye) and many others, 12 sections in all.

Since I'm a nursing student in every sense of the word, I don't have time to give the most in depth review. Therefore, I'm giving you the best three things about the collection, and the one thing I hated:

Top 3:

#3. In the "Big Willies" section, the essay "Ships Passing in the Night" (Barak Obama and Colin Powell) printed in Suede. I love it - not just because it's a good essay (it's a basic 4 page overview of how either man could be the first black president) but because it's political commentary in the middle of a collection of black hip hop stars. It's one of those moments when we showcase that "yes we can drop it like it's hot" but we also care who's in office, who might be in office, and who we might not want in office - even if he is a black man. The last paragraph is the best, go read it.

#2. "Jay-Z Has Got Guts" printed in Rolling Stone because I am a Jay-Z fan, as is my husband, and this piece allowed me to be more than a fan. With most rappers, I like what they have to say (Kanye), or I respect the lyricism (Luda and Em), or their struggle (Pac). With Jay-Z I respected the history. The number of albums he has produced is amazing, and I loved him more as he started to get his grown and sexy on with Beyonce (who is also interviewed). He also spoke about giving back and an internal conflict related to giving back that I could relate to (you'll have to read it!) I liked the piece because he lived up to my expectations. Who I imagined him to be is who he is, and that's always great. Then I read this : "In the sixth grade, a test showed he was reading at a twelfth grade level." And he addressed that with this: "I always liked to read. I still do." I fell in love.

And #1. (hands down) A section ("Microphone Fiend") that has only one essay...Crack is Responsible for Hip Hop (this was an an interview with ?uestlove) I don't know why, but this one just got me. Maybe the title. Maybe the little moment of intellectual orgasm I got out of the political + musical commentary, I don't know why, but I loved it most. A lot of the essay was also about D'Angelo. I *so* enjoyed this essay.

Until the last page, when the thing I most disliked about the collection really messed me up:

Question to ?uestlove: "Is there any female MC that you'd F***?"

And *THAT* is what I emailed him about. The only female MC in the collection is Lauryn Hill, so I was really disappointed that he would ask this - especially in the absence of any interviews with Lil Kim, Foxy, Rah Digga, Da Brat, etc. And it just really messed me up because it didn't flow, it was so abrupt! I emailed him about it (kept it light and funny), and he emailed me back immediately (cool points for that, and for being equally personable) and said that he was "sorry it offended" and admitted that it might be "juvenile" but he still thought it was "interesting" and "reasonable."

So there's my little review. (Honorable mentions for the Eminem interview, the Mary J Blige letters, and the Love Your Niggas essay) It's all good, go read it.

Next book review will be "Sister Outsider" by Audre Lorde, but it won't be until this weekend...school has offically started.

One Year...10 Posts

I know my review of Toure's Never Drank the Kool-Aid was supposed to be next, but I have to say something else first. (But YES, he did respond to my email...more later, I promise)

It just occured to me that I started my blog one year ago this month, so I didn't want the month to end without talking about my 1-year bloggin milestone...

I started this blog in the hopes that other nursing school hopefuls, especially those who might not otherwise have anyone to ask for advice, would be able to gain some insight into what it is like to apply to and attend nursing school, especially graduate level nursing school. I also wanted to share my experiences in an accelerated "direct entry" nursing program, which is different than a traditional nursing program - mainly in that you can have an undergrad degree in anything (mine is in English-Writing and Linguistics) and get both an RN and MSN in one bridge-type program.

I am suprised by how much more I ended up writing about. I am also suprised by how personal my blog has gotten, despite the fact that it is still not "very" personal! There are some things about my blog that I am proud of; mainly, I am proud of the truth that it represents. There are others that I look back and am somewhat disappointed with - such as the overall language of the blog, which I thought would be slightly more formal than it is. In the end, while I am not exactly happy with the language, I have come to accept it because I value non-academic and non "literary" tongue and I hope that this blog remains readable because of it.

Anyway, I perused my archives, and these are my top 10 posts of the year (they will pop up below this current post):

These posts because they exemplify the mission of this blog

Because of this post, I will never forget how it felt...

This post because it marked the end of a very long journey...

This rant because it tells the truth about who I am...

This one and this one, because they articulate what marriage means to me...

This is what nursing school is really like...

But also this one, because it equally tells the truth of nursing school...

And who could forget the day they asked me to leave the program...

And last but not least,this post, because it captures the very essence of my life.

I hope you all have enjoyed the blog this year, and I hope I have helped someone, anyone. I look forward to the growth next year brings, and your cyberspace visits!

Toure

I'm going to talk about Toure's never drank the Kool-Aid next, but I am waiting on him to respond to an email I sent him about it...

More later!

Let the Lion Eat Straw

This novel is by Ellease Southerland, now known as Ebele Oseye. I picked up this book because of one very simple description I saw online: "Mamma Habblesham, an elderly midwife, lovingly tends to Abeba, a sweet little 6-year-old whom she has raised since the girl was two months old." I should have kept reading the reviews/summaries. There are few novels that I have found that have midwives as real characters. I was disappointed (for all of two seconds) when I realized that this book doesn't either. We know that Mamma is a midwife, and that she's a good one, but that's it. In fact, Abeba's life with Mamma pretty much ends 15 pages into the novel. But I kept reading after that because the novel is beautiful. It's short, and therefore words have been chosen carefully, and I like that. But that's the least of it.

I loved the way Southerland portrayed the men in the novel. Abeba's father was not afraid to love his daughter. The boys on the stoop were respectful, genuinely kind, and very supportive of Abeba, all the while Abeba's mother pointed out that they were drunks and needed some Jesus in their life. Isn't that the way people really are? It seems so rare that people are either one thing or another, a sinner or the saved. I loved how a whole Brooklyn community of poor folks paid hard earned money to gather at the school to see the play that Abeba's mother wrote where black men were kings, and astrologers, and magicians (a revamped story of King Nebuchadnezzar and David)...a play that cost 50 cents for one person, but 25 cents for two.

And I loved Abeba's resiliency. Her husband turned out to be certifiably crazy, but she stood right by him. They had 15 children, all of whom where exceptionally smart and they built business and a home and a family with very little.

It really was very beautiful. There was some horror, but what life doesn't have any? Abeba was headed for great things (ie Julliard) but she gave it up for this life with children and a husband. And to me, that was some of the horror, but what I liked about it was that at the center of this novel was a relationship between mother and daughter, and when the daughter became a woman, she took responsibility for the life she chose and made decisions accordingly.

There's so much truth in this novel, so much revelancy now, almost 30 years later.

The Interruption of Everything

I started with this novel by Terry McMillan because I had been waiting a very long time to read it. It wasn't the best one she's written, but I still enjoyed it. I have been a fan of Terry McMillan since Mama and Breaking the Ice. I remain committed to her works because I remember what reading Mama did for me; For the first time ever, I read a book and really recognized the characters. I read the whole novel in one day - a real accomplishment when you're 12 or so and it's 2 or 3 hundred pages long. It probably wasn't the first book by a black woman that I had ever read, but it's the first one I remember reading.

The Interruption of Everything is about a woman (Marilyn) entering perimenopause (thanks for talking about it) and her relationships with her family members, including her husband, children, mother and mother-in-law. She is intensely creative and has earned a creative degree, but had been mostly a stay at home mother and wife. The main plot has to do with belonging to the sandwich generation. She's just getting her kids off to college, but also taking care of her own parents. Her mother is sick, but is living with Marilyn's sister. Her mother-in-law is living with Marilyn and her husband, who is also going through a mid-life crisis. And, of course, what would a Terry McMillan novel be without girlfriends. She has two girlfriends that help her get through everything. And there's other drama that I won't get into so that I don't spoil it. The best thing about the book is the menopausal discussion.

It was entertaining enough to read in one day, but at the same time, I thought "I waited 4 years for a novel from McMillan...and this is it?"

Reading

I read a book yesterday, a book today, and even started on the one for tomorrow...the plan is to read one every day - but no pressure...

I'll be talking about them soon...

Semester One is Finally Over

The semester has ended. FINALLY. I basically slept (and read) from Thursday until now, with the exception of a trip to the grocery store yesterday to prepare for this hibernation I am about to go into.

Thursday was my final Med Surg exam. At one point, in the middle of test, I flipped the test over to calculate how many I could miss and still get the grade I wanted on the test. I didn't do it because I wanted to quit, but because I was feeling really overwhelmed by it all (hardest friggin test I've ever had in this class) and I needed some perspective...For example, I only needed a 60 on this final exam to pass the class...and even if I had of gotten a 90 my grade would still have been only a "Pass," (one of the things I hate about "Pass/Fail" system) then I figured I could miss something like 40 of the questions and still get what I needed...all of sudden the 14 questions I did not know the answer to didn't mean a damn thing and I kept moving.

Shortly after the Med Surg exam, and right at the end of a end-of-semester meeting with the program director, our professor came back in and made an announcement that although one person failed the exam, no one failed the class. We didn't lose one student this semester. It was a great feeling and the class, even if only for one moment, was unified and proud.

As tired as I was, I still took the Anatomy final afterwards (even though we had another 5 or 6 days to take it) because I wanted be done with all of this when I finally went home. I passed that, too, and that marked the end of the semester for me.

The semester didn't exactly end the way I wanted it to (I wanted High Passes), but it's over now and I can say I've learned something - a lot, actually. And despite the belief of some that we all have equal access to being successful here, I maintain my opinion that it is harder for some us than others. My view is not a popular view to have in an ivory tower because people are very uncomfortable with their privilege. But I know, because of how I feel right now, that it has been no small feat to come through this fiery first semester and although I might have suffered some smoke inhalation, I have not been burned...and I find that nothing short of miraculous.