Everything's a distraction right now. Maybe I need to go into a serious hibernation or something. My finals are on Tuesday and I can't concentrate to save my life. I tried to make a list of things that I felt like I needed to do to help me calm down (get clothes together for the week, organize all my notes and study materials, answering emails that have been nagging me, etc. etc.) but the truth is that it is all a distraction (a friend told me this in reference to something else, but right now it's giving me perspective on this)...I'm procrastinating. I'm procrastinating because I am sick of school, and I am sick of memorizing without learning, and I am tired.
No matter what I do, I am never going to be ready to fully dive into these books, until I dive into these books. At least I have been consistently studying for finals for the past two weeks and nothing will be brand new when I read it tonight.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Sunday, April 22, 2007
The Meeting
Yesterday, the brown students finally had the meeting at the dean's house. It was supposed to be 1.5 hours, but it was more like 3.5! She has one of the most beautiful homes I've ever, ever seen and the spread of food was wonderful, and she is a very, very good host.
I had a goal of not complaining about anything for the entire night, and just listening, but it didn't work, mainly because I ended up semi-co-leading the meeting with dean, which is not want I wanted...but I can't say it's not what I expected, because when you put students in the room with faculty and administrators, they get nervous and they aren't as articulate as would be otherwise. Because I was the notetaker at the pre-meetings the students had to prepare for the "big meeting," there was a lot of "Can you talk about what I said at meeting last Monday about the curriculum?" And of course I would say, "You go ahead and say it!" But then they would start to stumble (which I think people should work through and keep talking because that's the only way you're going to learn), or they wouldn't speak at all. I thought it was very interesting that the dean wants everyone to "stand up, be loud, and be heard" at the school, as though she didn't recognize that students right there at the meeting couldn't manage to do that in a room full of people who were "on their side." But at least a few people spoke up. And then, because I was taking notes, the dean made me recap the first half of the meeting at the mid point, which was, seriously, like 4 pages of stuff that I did not have organized in any kind of way because they were just "my notes." But anyway, here are some positive things that came out of the meeting:
* We showed up, I mean in a critical mass kind of way!
* A student group (or 2, if we separate brown from rainbow) will be formed, separate from the administrative ad hoc committee---> and it will be funded!
* We got permission to call incoming diversity students, using the student affairs office for a call space
* We are invited to be on the curriculum planning, teaching and learning, and peer review committees (these are administrative committees that we will now take turns to attend the meetings where these issues are discussed, so that we can provide the "student perspective")
* We know what the current diversity committee is and is not, what they have and have not done, and what power they have or don't have (Can I just say that this ad hoc - there's your clue - committee is a joke?)
Some problems at the meeting:
* It was all about student responsibility...Ahem, it not only a student responsibility, but an institutional responsibility to improve the diversity issues at the school...it is not the responsibility of the students to do the job of the recruitment office and student affairs! At one point during the meeting she even suggested the students teach the faculty about diversity through giving presentations...huh? No. How about faculty take the initiative to educate themselves...and do us the favor of not spewing statistics until you do so.
* There were too many faculty/administrators, the ratio was 1:1 and they spent too much trying to tell us what they had already done, without asking us what we already knew...ie: 5 minute long ramblings about how we could volunteer at such and such clinic that they helped start, without first asking how many people already do (which was more than half the room!) It's like yes, we know about that, but one clinic doesn't negate your responsibility to not spew racist ideology from the lectern...nor does it have anything to do with what we're talking about ...we are asking for better discussion in the classroom, not a list of places to go to "get some diversity," hear me now? And they kept making suggestions for what we could do...and this is where my silent thing 1st fell through completely, because at one point I said "raise your hand if you..." and went through the list, because obviously they had underestimated how involved we've already been and the students were getting frustrated with all that "You guys can" and "You guys should" No, ma'am, we already did, so let's get to what you guys can do.
Updates from the things we criticized last semester:
* We're getting an actual Pharm professor! Imagine that, our very own full time professor of Pharm stationed right at the nursing school.
* Biomed is being completely redone. "The only thing that stays the same is the teacher." Hmph, I hate tenure.
* A new brown faculty member is coming for the fall! Doesn't that sound so ridiculous? I mean, we are so desperate, but when she said it I was really, really happy because that's how few we have...and one girl (a Latina) mentioned that all of our "diverse" faculty members are black...
* We secured a massive amount of money for scholarships...which won't trickle down to us, but hey, I'm happy for the next group.
So there it is (in as few words a s possible).
I had a goal of not complaining about anything for the entire night, and just listening, but it didn't work, mainly because I ended up semi-co-leading the meeting with dean, which is not want I wanted...but I can't say it's not what I expected, because when you put students in the room with faculty and administrators, they get nervous and they aren't as articulate as would be otherwise. Because I was the notetaker at the pre-meetings the students had to prepare for the "big meeting," there was a lot of "Can you talk about what I said at meeting last Monday about the curriculum?" And of course I would say, "You go ahead and say it!" But then they would start to stumble (which I think people should work through and keep talking because that's the only way you're going to learn), or they wouldn't speak at all. I thought it was very interesting that the dean wants everyone to "stand up, be loud, and be heard" at the school, as though she didn't recognize that students right there at the meeting couldn't manage to do that in a room full of people who were "on their side." But at least a few people spoke up. And then, because I was taking notes, the dean made me recap the first half of the meeting at the mid point, which was, seriously, like 4 pages of stuff that I did not have organized in any kind of way because they were just "my notes." But anyway, here are some positive things that came out of the meeting:
* We showed up, I mean in a critical mass kind of way!
* A student group (or 2, if we separate brown from rainbow) will be formed, separate from the administrative ad hoc committee---> and it will be funded!
* We got permission to call incoming diversity students, using the student affairs office for a call space
* We are invited to be on the curriculum planning, teaching and learning, and peer review committees (these are administrative committees that we will now take turns to attend the meetings where these issues are discussed, so that we can provide the "student perspective")
* We know what the current diversity committee is and is not, what they have and have not done, and what power they have or don't have (Can I just say that this ad hoc - there's your clue - committee is a joke?)
Some problems at the meeting:
* It was all about student responsibility...Ahem, it not only a student responsibility, but an institutional responsibility to improve the diversity issues at the school...it is not the responsibility of the students to do the job of the recruitment office and student affairs! At one point during the meeting she even suggested the students teach the faculty about diversity through giving presentations...huh? No. How about faculty take the initiative to educate themselves...and do us the favor of not spewing statistics until you do so.
* There were too many faculty/administrators, the ratio was 1:1 and they spent too much trying to tell us what they had already done, without asking us what we already knew...ie: 5 minute long ramblings about how we could volunteer at such and such clinic that they helped start, without first asking how many people already do (which was more than half the room!) It's like yes, we know about that, but one clinic doesn't negate your responsibility to not spew racist ideology from the lectern...nor does it have anything to do with what we're talking about ...we are asking for better discussion in the classroom, not a list of places to go to "get some diversity," hear me now? And they kept making suggestions for what we could do...and this is where my silent thing 1st fell through completely, because at one point I said "raise your hand if you..." and went through the list, because obviously they had underestimated how involved we've already been and the students were getting frustrated with all that "You guys can" and "You guys should" No, ma'am, we already did, so let's get to what you guys can do.
Updates from the things we criticized last semester:
* We're getting an actual Pharm professor! Imagine that, our very own full time professor of Pharm stationed right at the nursing school.
* Biomed is being completely redone. "The only thing that stays the same is the teacher." Hmph, I hate tenure.
* A new brown faculty member is coming for the fall! Doesn't that sound so ridiculous? I mean, we are so desperate, but when she said it I was really, really happy because that's how few we have...and one girl (a Latina) mentioned that all of our "diverse" faculty members are black...
* We secured a massive amount of money for scholarships...which won't trickle down to us, but hey, I'm happy for the next group.
So there it is (in as few words a s possible).
Monday, April 16, 2007
Virginia Tech
You know, I saw the news for the first time at about noon, on CNN. I understood it, but I don't think I fully comprehended it. I went immediately to the computer lab to read more because the TV in the cafeteria is so small and so high up. When I was reading it, I kept thinking, OMG, but I still don't think it had really hit me. but now, as I am sitting at work...in the engineering building at my own school, I'm in tears. I'm a student, at a university, in the engineering building/library/dorm just like all of those people were. I went class today, just like they did. One word keeps running through my mind, and it's grace. These are the moments that make you think about your life and not only what you intend to do with it, but what you've already done. Your breath gets caught in your throat and you want to call somebody, but who? And what will you say? What can you do?
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Average
My Maternal Newborn grade wasn't stellar, only average - like most of my work here has been this year. I always feel like like my head is barely above water, and every now and then I actually go under but come back up so that my nose is resting on the surface...so I can breathe, but barely...It's not fun to work so hard and only be average, in fact, it's maddening. And every (I'm guessing) midwifery student probably thinks they should get the absolute best grades they've ever gotten right now, in the Maternal Newborn section of this first year in the program...I mean, that's what we're here for after all...but that just isn't the way it works...learning takes on a whole new meaning when you realize you are really, seriously, going to be responsible for the stuff you're learning...it's not like Psych, where one says I will just try to absorb as much as I can that might help me in my actual field, but it's not the end of the world because, well, I'm not going into Psych. Now it seems I am obsessed with every single detail, like my life (or more accurately, the woman in front of me) depends on it (because it will), and so it is really, really irritating to be "average" because who wants to be an average provider? An average midwife? Certainly not me.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Ramblings of the Day
|::|The Maternal Newborn exam was tough, but it was also fair. Not too many tricky questions, just an old-fashioned straight-forward, you-know-it-or-you-don't exam, and I happened to know most of it which was a really great experience and a big departure from Biomed days. My Biomed teacher actually proctored the exam, and he asked me about it afterwards...the first time I said "it wasn't too bad" but then he kept asking me about it, about "ambiguous questions" and "answers even geneticists wouldn't know" and I finally said that I actually thought it was one of the best exams I had taken since being at the school. And I meant it. I won't get the highest grade I've ever gotten on an exam because it wasn't the easiest exam I've ever taken, but it was one of the best written exams. It covered the 6 units it was over evenly according to how much material was in the unit...she put what unit each question came from, which really helps if you're one of those people who is always trying to "picture the notes" when you get stuck...and there were enough questions to miss a few and still do ok (60). Enough for me.
|::|Random side note (on the rare chance that any men read this blog): putting your hand in the small of a woman's back to escort her through a door is a little personal...I keep saying I'm going to start wearing my ring again because people look for it when they talk to you, but I don't feel like it. Just don't touch me - which shouldn't be dependent on whether I'm married or not!
|::|The brown people are having another meeting next week to collect our thoughts and get on the same page before our meeting next weekend at the Associate Dean's (our advocate) house...we had asked for the names and numbers of the incoming brown folks so we could call and give them a personal welcome, followed by individual cards signed by all of us - which we requested postage funds for (both are things that the med school does) but the Dean of Student Affairs brushed us off, so that's first on the agenda...
|::|Me and the man are in the market for a car, and it's such a headache. We were going to buy a newer (ie: 2003+) Honda (had one...loved it!) or Toyota (good car, period) so that we wouldn't have to worry so much about maintenance...but after looking at my credit report and being pleasantly surprised (up almost 150 points since this same time last year, woo hoo!) we are now leaning toward a cash purchased, 5K or so, car to get us through 1 year as we try to get the score up even higher so we can get a good interest rate on a really nice car. But of course that require some additional savings for the repairs that are sure to follow the purchase. Ugh.
|::|And lastly, I think I'm studying abroad at the end of the academic year. Oaxaca for Medical Spanish immersion for the month of August. Some women from our program have been working with a language school there for the past decade and they have the neatest opportunity: 7 hours a day of Spanish only instruction, including classroom lessons, private 1 on 1 sessions, 1 hour conversation sessions each day with people from the community AND.....drumroll...working/volunteering at the side of the lay midwives of the region as they provide midwifery care in Spanish...can we say FABULOUS? And the best part...it's cheap! Less than $1000 for the month including room, excursions, & food money. Still gotta buy your airfare though, but I'm working it out....
|::|Random side note (on the rare chance that any men read this blog): putting your hand in the small of a woman's back to escort her through a door is a little personal...I keep saying I'm going to start wearing my ring again because people look for it when they talk to you, but I don't feel like it. Just don't touch me - which shouldn't be dependent on whether I'm married or not!
|::|The brown people are having another meeting next week to collect our thoughts and get on the same page before our meeting next weekend at the Associate Dean's (our advocate) house...we had asked for the names and numbers of the incoming brown folks so we could call and give them a personal welcome, followed by individual cards signed by all of us - which we requested postage funds for (both are things that the med school does) but the Dean of Student Affairs brushed us off, so that's first on the agenda...
|::|Me and the man are in the market for a car, and it's such a headache. We were going to buy a newer (ie: 2003+) Honda (had one...loved it!) or Toyota (good car, period) so that we wouldn't have to worry so much about maintenance...but after looking at my credit report and being pleasantly surprised (up almost 150 points since this same time last year, woo hoo!) we are now leaning toward a cash purchased, 5K or so, car to get us through 1 year as we try to get the score up even higher so we can get a good interest rate on a really nice car. But of course that require some additional savings for the repairs that are sure to follow the purchase. Ugh.
|::|And lastly, I think I'm studying abroad at the end of the academic year. Oaxaca for Medical Spanish immersion for the month of August. Some women from our program have been working with a language school there for the past decade and they have the neatest opportunity: 7 hours a day of Spanish only instruction, including classroom lessons, private 1 on 1 sessions, 1 hour conversation sessions each day with people from the community AND.....drumroll...working/volunteering at the side of the lay midwives of the region as they provide midwifery care in Spanish...can we say FABULOUS? And the best part...it's cheap! Less than $1000 for the month including room, excursions, & food money. Still gotta buy your airfare though, but I'm working it out....
Monday, April 09, 2007
Test Anxiety
I'm in one of those moments where I can't compartmentalize things they way I like to...like family in one box/part of my brain...school in another...and personal in yet another...everything is just running together and I hate it! I think life is supposed to be integrated, but my life has just never been that way...I've always had my party friends, my serious friends, my smoker friends, my school friends, my religious friends, and on and on and on who I did different things with at different times and who I talked to about different things, but lately it's all just running together and it makes life complicated...it feels like I do the same thing with everybody, everyday. And that everybody is NURSING STUDENTS. I need to spend some time with some non-neurotic everyday people...ok, maybe not "non-neurotic" since very few of my real friends aren't neurotic, but at least with some people who know and talk about something other than nursing...us nursing students like to think that we do, but in reality we're very self-absorbed with what we're learning...preferably, I would like to talk to more people on street-level...I haven't even found a black bar for goodness sake! I also want to put something else into my brain. I've been studying for my Maternal Newborn Midterm for the last two weeks and I still don't have a grasp on the information...there's just too much of it. We had an open-book, online quiz and I still missed two! How does that happen? Brain burst. I'm so sick of the material, I read stuff that isn't even there, anticipating the next word or phrase because I've read the notes so many times. I have tried switching mediums, ie: working on the CDROM that came with the MN textbook and going through flashcards, but I'm still sick of looking at it, even though I haven't mastered it.During study breaks I am reading "The Birth House" by McKay and it's a pretty good, laid back read so far. Wednesday I am having another Sex in the City watch-a-thon with my study partner and friend (season two, in it's entirety) complete with the same Caribbean food we ordered last time, and I'm going to work on these braids in my head that haven't been touched since Christmas break...
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
My Body Can't Take It!
OMG. I am paying for all that partying now....
But I can't wait to do it again!
I'm almost in a trance now though...school has taken over my mind again (unfortunately, but thankfully because it's hard to do this without completely giving your mind over to it).
I am preparing for an online quiz tomorrow that serves as a preview for the Maternal Newborn midterm next week, deciding on a paper topic for Issues in Nursing class (worth 70% of the grade, which is fine by me), and trying to memorize these darn meds for clinical this week.
When I think about other points in the program, this is an easy moment, and I am taking the time to realize and be thankful for it....
The US News came out with its new grad school rankings and my school moved up quite a bit, including the midwifery program specifically, which was nice to see (of course the dean sent out an email).
I am also running from all the other things I like to spend a considerable amount of time thinking about...hoping that I can stay focused on school and not the rest of the world...
But I can't wait to do it again!
I'm almost in a trance now though...school has taken over my mind again (unfortunately, but thankfully because it's hard to do this without completely giving your mind over to it).
I am preparing for an online quiz tomorrow that serves as a preview for the Maternal Newborn midterm next week, deciding on a paper topic for Issues in Nursing class (worth 70% of the grade, which is fine by me), and trying to memorize these darn meds for clinical this week.
When I think about other points in the program, this is an easy moment, and I am taking the time to realize and be thankful for it....
The US News came out with its new grad school rankings and my school moved up quite a bit, including the midwifery program specifically, which was nice to see (of course the dean sent out an email).
I am also running from all the other things I like to spend a considerable amount of time thinking about...hoping that I can stay focused on school and not the rest of the world...
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