On Neglecting My Blog

Yeah I've been neglecting my blog. I've been reading other blogs in the meantime. I'm also on my 11th straight month of school and completely burnt out. I have a community health midterm tomorrow and I haven't looked at the material because I just can't find the motivation. But I am going to cram today. ALL DAY. At least there's a fire under my butt now, and I went to most of the lectures in this class because they're interesting.

Top 5 things that I do instead of studying:
5. Read blogs, watch YouTube, or otherwise surf the net
4. Read magazines: I'm catching up on my O magazines (love them!)
3. Pour a drink and watch a movie: The Martini is my new drink of choice because after years of rum and vodka, I have learned that Gin does the job after only one drink, so cheers! to self-awareness, LOL
2. Read unrelated academic articles (this really is fun to me)
1. Read Fiction (right now I'm reading "How the Garcia Girls Lost their Accents," "Autobiography of my Mother," and I'm STILL reading (re-reading) "Sister Outsider." which continues to blow my exhausted mind)

I think I finished Nutrtion class...it was such a waste of time, I'm glad it's over. If it's over, it was so anti-climatic, the last day was just like any other. I always leave early, so I don't know if that was supposed to be the last class or not. But I have done everything in the syllabus, so I assume that that's it. Issues in Nursing is just dragging on. I got an H on my paper, so that was good, I think we have some sort of online test or quiz to end the class in a week or two. So, the main thing right now is Pediatrics and Community Health. I really like my pediatric preceptor and that makes the rotation wonderful. It's one of the most laid back rotations I've ever had. But, I really miss labor, birth, and postpartum.

I'm also not writing as much because I'm disappointed with the direction of my blog. I have a lot to say, and not just this day-by-day snapshot of my life - which really isn't a snapshot because if I wrote about everything I'm really thinking about this blog would sound millitant, angry, and depressing, LOL. But at some point I'm going to have to talk about more than just classes and clinicals, at some point I am going to have to get down and dirty about all this institutional beaurucratic BS that I'm witnessing, the state of our minds as my mind sees it, and how I really feel about things like racism, love, and religion. In fact, I think that's why I'm slack on the posting right now-what I have to say is not fun or funny or light, and who wants to read stuff that makes you uncomfortable?

A better question to pose to myself is why, in this anonymous setting, do I care what people think about what I am writing? Why am I worried about making them uncomfortable? Isn't it true that they can just turn the blog channel? Am I any less the angry black woman if I don't write it? No, because that is and always will be someone else's interpretation of me. Actually, it is my own, too, but the other day I figured out that I am not offended by this interpretation because it is true on many levels. I am angry, and I have a right to be. I wish it weren't a label that people applied to any woman with skin like mine, but I have no control over that. I've had soooo many good, interesting, conversations with folks lately that my head is spinning. Isn't this the place where I am supposed to be purging my brain so that I can make sense of its contents? Somethin' else...my mama reads this blog! LOL Really, she does. But she knows I'm a loose cannon verbally, so why does it matter that she reads it?


Anyway, the point is, when I read my own blog lately, it seems so superficial, and I hate superficial. That's one of the reasons I don't like "networking" or "mingling," because the entrie time I wear the mask, and it's oh-so-fake. Last night I went to see Pirates of the Caribean (#6 on the list of things I do instead of studying!) and there was this scene where the only? black woman in the entire film goes apeshit angry and there was so much power there. Maybe anger as power is merely an illusion, but in that moment I got chills because there she was, this giant (literally) black woman with dreadlocks and a bayou accent who opened her mouth and almost brought the entire world to an end with her voice.


Am I afraid of the power of my own voice?


I do want to add that this scene can also be viewed from another perspective...a very "embracing all of the stereotypes" view which I do believe in also. There is soooo much material here for critical dissection! There is so much that can be said about this character in this film and the previous Pirates (much of which has already been said in other blogs) and I hope that this scene that I am describing is the result of a director or screen writer who is conscious and, therefore, felt the need to let the audience know that this character knew the injustices that she was surviving and this is why she was kreening. In other words, "I know what you're doing, you f'd with the wrong (black) woman, now I'm angry, and now you will feel my wrath," etc. Others believe that this was a weak attempt at showing her power - they are not convinced that she had any power at all, and that the writers dropped the ball with her role, and, worst, they did after making a mockery of brown people and brown women's sexuality. All of which I also agree with.