Articulate and Authoritative

"I remember my great-grandmother, too...Her husband died before I was born, but I remember that whenever my great-grandmother walked into a room, her grandsons and her nephews stood up. The women in her family were very, very articulate. Of course, my great-grandmother could not read, but she was a midwife and people from all over the state came to her for advice and for her to deliver babies. They came for other kinds of medical care, too. Yes, I feel the authority of those women more than I do my own."


Toni Morrison...from text at the Reclaiming Midwives exhibit at the Smithsonian.

It just makes me feel good...

14 Hour Day

I swear the day is N E V E R going to end....

A Monday in the Life

Today was long...I started with class at 10am which continued until 4:40 (after not getting home from school until 1:30 this morning - which was fine because I knew I could wake up late) and then to work, so right now I'm getting to that exhausted state. I have work until 10pm which means it was a 12hour day for me.

Tomorrow is worse because the day starts at 8am and doesn't end until 10pm.

But I am still loving my new classes, especially Maternal Newborn.

Today was the first day of Issues in Nursing, and it seems good enough...a paper worth 70% about an "important nursing issue" and an online quiz at the end worth the other 30%. I can live with that.

After 3 hours of creating med charts on common OB meds, I still have 15 meds to go...it seems like there must be an easier way, but I haven't found it yet. Maybe I'll send the chart to my study partner and let her fil out the rest...

I need to mail some documents all over the place, finish my taxes, and fill out a renewal FAFSA all by Wednesday, which is a little overwhelming...but there was great progress made in housework because I have family visiting this week which has really lifted my spirits! I have so much planned and I need to study hard for the next coupole of days so I can take the rest of the week off and really enjoy her visit.

So much to do...so little time...

Maternal Newborn

After a week of Maternal Newborn class I remember why I came to nursing school. Every day is like a connecting of dots. It's such a different learning experience when you're familiar with the terminology and you absolutely love and are interested in the topics before the class even begins! For once I can actually sit back and enjoy the lectures without scrambling to write down notes of things I need to look up because I've never heard it before. Most terms and concepts are familiar and the ones that aren't are like light bulbs turning on in my head as I recall reading something about it that never really made sense until now! And it's amazing how much more quickly time goes by when you're interested...I sit front row middle seat for this class and don't leave at all during the 2-3 hours of class.

The professor is another story, but it's tolerable. Actually, she's really very good but her social skills are seriously lacking...her affect is so flat and she is so stern; I think students routinely feel intimidated, sad, mad, frustrated after asking her a question because she is so condescending. I don't ask many questions, but I feel sorry those who do...but then too, we have so many people who ask questions just to hear their own voices that half the time I'm laughing in my head at her response to them...I should stop...but I can't...LOL

I have so much work to do and so much reading, but what's new? At least I want to read what's assigned!

A Shift in Studying

Today is the first day of school after spring break (I'm still trying to get over it) but before I move on, I want to take a minute to talk about the shift in studying that happened for me last semester, especially in Biomed...

If you're new to the blog, you might want to read these entries first:
Part 1
Part 2

Basically, I was failing Biomed (miserably so) after 2 exams, but my second 2 exams were drastically better, and here's why:

1. I changed study partners. Previously, I had been studying with other people in a haphazard way, getting what I could from whomever I could and I met with the TA for the course. For the second half of the course, I gave myself permission to dismiss the TA because she was not helpful for me (another story all together) which was against the advice of most of those around me. Then I got together with a girl who I am actually good friends with, but hadn't ever studied with. It turns out that our styles were similar enough to make it work, but different enough to give me a new way to study. Mainly, the difference between studying with her and other folks was that 1) she was dedicated to massive study time that started well before any exam 2)she reviews older info while studying new info in a way that connects the info from the last exam to the new info and 3)she doesn't quit until she gets it (We both had similar studying habits in that we wrote down review questions for each lecture to guide our studying) And lastly, (small but important) we started every study session with positive affirmations. Doesn't that sound corny? LOL It did to me, too, at first, but then I got used to it and it was so fabulous!

2. I asked questions during the exam. Someone had failed to mention this tip to me before the first 2 exams, but once I got the tip, I was amazed. This is extremely problematic to me, but it's the reality: the professor offers significant help with understanding his questions during the exam if you simply go up and ask. And because the questions are so bad, it's necessary to go ask. I hate this. But it worked (for this class).

3. I changed the way I read the notes. Instead of sitting and reading a lecture (between 6 and 12 pages, single spaced) straight through, I would read one page at a time, completely unpacking each sentence as I went. His notes are incredibly dense, and this was the only way to get everything I needed out of every sentence. I also stopped to look up every unfamiliar term (which added sooo much time to my studying) because I did not have the background information for what he was talking about. ie: he would be talking about the hormones of the anterior pituitary and I would have to find a text book (or get online) and find out what those hormones were and what they did before I could move on. After all the reading and note-taking in the margins, I would reorganize the notes so they made sense - especially chronologically - which his notes lacked. Btu I was always careful to keep the notes in his language (using his terminology) as well as my own, because the test questions are obviously in his language. I also had to look up synonyms to major vocabulary terminology because he would use one word through out his notes, but then use a synonym of the term on the exam! (so friggin irritating, tricky, and unnecessary!) So while reading, I would write synonyms for terms on the notes.
These changes were probably the most constructive as far as being able to give someone advice on how to study for this course, but the last thing I did was the most necessary for me, personally:

4. I took time to look inward:
"...I spent an enormous amount of time confronting my issues (because no one can make you feel inferior without your consent), rebuilding my confidence (because it was gone), and reassessing and recommitting to my purpose (because it’s the only way to survive this experience, I think). This involved journaling, reading my writing, including my admissions essays, and goal updating/refining. It was hard work, and, honestly, it left me exhausted, which is one of the reasons why I hope I don’t have to do it again soon."

I also did a few things right before the exams, like being quizzed by other people, reviewing charts made by others, and checking in with friends about my anxiety levels.

End of Quarter/Next Up

The quarter ended last Friday, finally. There's so much to say about it, but so little energy to even go there. It's like I've finally finished and I don't want to even think about it anymore. But I do want to take a moment to acknowledge the accomplishment of surviving Biomed. I will do it in another post in which I will also explain how I finally figured out how to study for that class. Here's what I can muster with the little energy the quarter left me with:

Psych class ended just as dry as it began. It was just a very easy no brainer kind of class in which I could have learned more but I didn't force it because I was focused on other stuff. It was an easy High Pass, and I'll take it. Psych clinical on the other hand was challenging (as I've already explained in other posts) and although I am glad to be moving on from it, I will miss it because I really like non-hospital nursing. It was dramatically different than Med Surg (which everyone knows I didn't like that much) and I got to work with patients who I could easily connect with and who solidified my choice, which is important because while everyone else was having their "this is why I am going into nursing" epiphanies during Med Surg, I was thinking "what the hell have I gotten myself into?"

Pharm ended, and I'm glad for it. I don't feel like I learned much in that class. It was a horrible seminar that had a different incompetent lecture every period. I hardly ever saw the professor for the course because she was never there, although she wrote most of the exams. Memorization, memorization, memorization - most of which went right out of my head immediately following the exam. And then I realized that she had a ridiculous curve and my studying dropped off completely because, study or not, my grades were the same. Just no motivation for that. We will take Pharm twice more before we graduate. Maybe next year it will be better.

Next Quarter starts in two weeks after spring break. This is what we are taking:

Maternal Newborn (Can we say FINALLY)
Nutrition
Issues in Nursing
Pathophysiology (continues from last quarter)

I'm actually looking forward to this set of classes like never before. Maternal newborn for obvious reasons, Nutrition-because I think it will interesting, and Issues in Nursing-because I love the topics and that we will finally get our noses out of a textbook! Patho is neutral - I'm just dealing with it.

Overall, this quarter went by very quickly. I can only hope that the next one does as well so I can finish and move on.

On another note, I took a survey for grad and professional students that was designed by the student senate to gauge their progress in providing activities for grad/prof students across campus and was pleasantly reminded that I do actually participate in more than just class. A while ago I posted that I wanted to begin to take note of things I do on campus, other than work and study. Well, for the survey we had to check off all of the things that we had done from the list that they provided. When I got to the bottom, I realized that I had checked almost EVERY SINGLE ITEM. (I had not attended a very special sporting event) Anyway, I have visited a campus museum, attended a talk, attended an on-campus conference, went to a U sponsored happy hour, went to a theater production (and my first cabaret!), and a couple other things that if I mentioned would give my school away!

Are you our teacher?

The Pharm final was this morning. It was supposed to start at 8am. When I arrived in the parking lot at about 8:10, she was walking up to the school. She's always late (hence why I was late). However, she did not enter the classroom until 8:25, and when she did she looked confused...like crazy woman confused...looking under cabinets, walking around tables...crazy. Then she asked us if we knew where the exams were. I'm sure my facial expression spoke volumes, so it's good that I sit in the very, very back of the classroom. She left the room (presumably to look for the exams) and came back without them saying that they weren't where they were supposed to be, and did any of us know how or where she could make copies? The whole time I felt like I was in a time warp...the combination of sleepnights studying for finals (although I didn't really study for Pharm) and overall tiredness/frustration with this particular class just full cirlce and I was thinking "This is not happening. I am imagining this, I haven't woken up yet." I think the class was thinking the same thing. There was discussion of a walk out, but I knew no one would move. But we did fill out our evaluations right after the test and I don't think that helped her at all.

There's so much going on that I'm overwhelmed. And tired.

What Does One Say?

...when a major stressor in their life for the last 6+ months finally ends?

Nothing...yet. I have a Psych exam after lunch today and a Pharm exam in the morning. But by God, tomorrow afternoon. Tomorrow afternoon I will celebrate as though I've never passed a class in my life and then I will spend the weekend in a great city before going home.

Home. To my mama.

Now that I think about it, that's probably what I'll say.

Take me home, I want my mama.

Biomed, In the Final Hour

The mornings of exams I used to listen to encouraging music while studying. I had my IPOD programmed to play 4 slower, encouraging Gospel songs (think, Yolanda Adams) followed by a Hip Hop anthem-style song (think "Survivor")...I actively study during the slow (20 mins) then take a break during the fast (5 mins) and keep going for about an hour or two. Well, since my IPOD was stolen last semester, I haven't been able to do this. But this morning I came to school and listened to Yahoo radio while I studied. A minute ago, a song called "The Struggle is Over" by Youth for Christ came on; there isn't a song more appropriate for how I feel this morning as I prepare to take this final BIOMED exam. I've reached that place where I can't even be anxious about it because I just want it to be over. No matter the outcome, the stress of it is now over. It's like the peace you get after making a decision.

Hearing the song was one of those "And this, too, shall pass" reminders, and we all need those.

What Makes the NHSC Application Culturally Biased?

This was the question posed by an anonymous poster in the comments section of the related post. I will try to explain it here...

So. The point of the NHSC is to get med/pa/cnm/fnp students to work in economically depressed areas (which they call Health Professional Shortage Areas or HPSAs) which are in critical need of providers. The vast majority of professional students are middle to upper class non-minorities that do not come from these areas. Keeping that in mind, let's break down a question that is on this year's application/personality assessment:

Choose A or B:

A. "I would like to work in a community where the people and activities are different than those I grew up with."

B. "I would like to work in a community where the people and activities are the same as those I grew up with."

When advised about how to fill out this application (by people who were successfully awarded the scholarship) I was told "the answers they want to hear are obvious." I believe the answers are obvious to the majority of people filling out this questionnaire because the majority of people filling it out (students in professional schools) are NOT from HPSAs and they are supposed to be answering questions in a way that indicates that they are committed to working in these HPSAs...and therefore the "obvious" answer is "A" because if you want to work in the kind of community you (being the med student who's filling it out) grew up in, chances are that community doesn't qualify as an HPSA. Get it?

So, what happens if you happen to be one of the very, very few people who actually grew up in an HPSA? Technically, you should be circling "B" because the area you want to serve is actually the same kind of area you grew up in...but I don't think scantron-style reading of these bubble assessments will be taking that into consideration, which makes me wonder if someone in this situation shouldn't be answering as the typical professional school student, or themselves...and *this* is why I feel the assessment is culturally biased.

But anyway, I will tell you that I have already resolved all of this in my mind and am no longer really thinking about it. I am just going to fill out the form truthfully, and let the universe handle the rest.

Praxis, Thesis, or Literature Review?

I have a decision to make. Maybe a week ago I mentioned that I woke up at 4 am with my praxis/thesis topic and emailed a potential advisor about it. Since then I have spoken to others about it and so far it seems to have legs, and I have been given an unofficial go-ahead. We have the choice of doing an aesthetic praxis (a kind of artistic project that demonstrates what you've learned about a topic, which includes some writing) or a thesis (you research a topic in your profession and write about it - but it's much harder than it sounds..see below) or a basic literature review.

At my school, people lean toward literature reviews because they're easier to do. A literature review is where you read up on all of the research that has been done on a vary narrow topic, say "smoking habits of Latino youth from 1980 to the present" and you write a summary of that research (based on the articles you find)...usually the point of this is to lead up to a reason for new research to be conducted, or to introduce your own new research that relates to that topic. This is usually the first step of any research project, whether or not you officially include the full review in your actual research article. (ie: you will do this informally when thinking about researching any topic, but you may not necessarily write up a formal review) One of the reasons this is the top choice for students here is because, unlike other grad programs, we are not given any "time off" (meaning a semester without classes) to do a thesis...whatever project you choose, you will be writing/working on it while you are taking about 5 or 6 classes, and a lit review is the choice most conducive to this situation. You can think of a lit review as the first step of a thesis.

Some people do opt to do a thesis. A thesis is usually written at the end of a masters program to qualify for the degree. Often times you finish writing it after course work is done, but some do it concurrently. It is one (big) step beyond a lit review in that you submit an original idea as the research. There is more than one way to go about this, but for the sake of ease (and my limited time) I'll just say you can do a research project that involves you actually going out an collecting qualitative or quantitative data clinically (ie: interviewing 20-somethings about their choice to have an abortion or keeping track of the number of 17 year olds who have abortions in a specific county over a 6 month period) or you can review data from sources like the US Census or Education Trust Foundation and draw new conclusions about the data they provide. The downside to this project is that it takes a LOT of work - and you still basically have to do a lit review before you get started! And also, we have to do this while we are in (hard) classes. But there are reasons I would choose this project, among them:

1. It's a great way to start your PhD dissertation (if you stick to the same topic, almost half the work is done).
2. It's a published bound work for which you are the sole author.
3. It's respected...serious scholars write theses, and I can't imagine applying to doctoral programs without having done it.

Let me add: Lit reviews are respected as well, and they, too, can be published in journals. But I do think there is a difference!

Lastly, there is the aesthetic praxis. This is what I woke up that morning thinking I would do. A student who is graduating this year did hers on pregnant women and dancing in which (I'm guessing) she reviewed the literature on dancing as exercise or therapeutic for pregnancy and she (I know) choreographed a dance to go with it. Another is doing something with pregnancy photography. I woke up at 4 am saying I'm doing a story quilt on the history of black midwives, a la Faith Ringgold. This would require me to narrow down a specific aspect of this history (ie: history of use of superstition or faith based protocols by black midwives) and review the literature about it (lit review) and then to construct a quilt that includes pictures/painting and the text that I write, especially the connection between quilting and black midwifery. The upside to this project is that I get to combine more than one of my interests and have fun while doing a something that could otherwise be very daunting. If I have to spend over a year of my life with this thing, I want to enjoy the process! But there are down sides, mainly there is the question of whether this is a "respectable" project for someone who is going to continue on to a doctoral program? Although I recognize the work that this project entails, is a doctoral admissions committee going to see it? Or is it going to look like I took an easy, fun way out? Further, is it going to be too black to be universally respected among an academic midwifery audience? In the grand scheme of things this is only one of many, many more research projects to come, but it also my first research project, and I want to be taken seriously.

I don't like that I have to ask these questions. I don't like knowing that if I choose the aesthetic project I am going to have to fight to prove its value (even though this is the whole point of these projects) to a whole bunch of people who won't see it. I don't like feeling like I have to do the hardest project just to prove that I'm supposed to be here. I don't like that we value quantitative or qualitative, sciences over humanities. I don't like how we don't really value art in this country and the resulting obligation I feel to do something more "academic" because of it.

NHSC is Not Doing Interviews for 2007

The National Health Service Corps is not conducting interviews for its 2007-2008 scholarship cycle...it just never ends with this program.

Let me start from the beginning. When I was applying to grad school, I found out that there really isn't any good financial aid for programs like mine (direct-entry/grad-entry programs in nursing, also called bridge programs) nor for graduate professional school in general. Everyone speaks of one or two programs when considering aid: the National Health Service Corp Scholarship & Loan Repayment Program, and the Scholarships for Disadvantaged Students Program. (The Nursing Scholarship Program is mostly for undergrads)

NHSC does not accept students in bridge programs, so we apply after the first year when, technically, we are no longer in a bridge program. You can see a snipet of the history of NHSC here, pay specific attention to the "NHSC milestones." Over the years, the program has been reducing its scholarship offerings in favor of the loan repayment program, which costs them less to provide, and in the '80's there was a severe decline in aid because the country expected a physician surplus. At this point, the program is almost all loan repayment, and I predict that in the next few years the scholarship will no longer be offered. I believe this will directly impact the number of minority physicians and APRNs because I have read articles stating that at times the number of minority students in this program exceeds 50% of the total of participants. (I will try to find a public link to one of these articles or at least tell you the name of it so you can look it up!)

The problem this year is that they all of a sudden decided not to conduct interviews for this program! Instead, they will select awardees based solely on their application...an application that has no essay, no place to indicate involvement in the community or any other volunteer experiences, no way to indicate who you are! How do you select people like this? The application is basically a personality assessment...and it happens to be culturally biased. I think the interviews were crucial to the selection process, and that in the absence of these interviews the demographics of their awardees will change significantly...that is unless they use the demographic section of the application to select a specific percentage of minority and non-minority applicants...is that still legal?

Anyway, all of this is just to say my number one plan for funding the next two years of school looks like it just fell through. I'm still applying, but interviews are a strength of mine, and with only the application it doesn't look good. The positive is that I can just stay and go straight to the doctoral program (maybe part time, I'm tired of school).

Oh! And the problem with the Schlarships for Disadvantaged Students Program is that none of the schools I applied to participate. You must apply through the financial aid office of your school. When I asked about this, they said that they don't meet the requirements for the program - mainly, they don't have enough minority students enrolled to qualify for the program, which seems backwards to me...

Pscyh Clinical: Week Five

My fifth week of Psych clinical ended yesterday and, for the second time, my preceptor asked me, "Are you sure you don't want to go into Psych?" Followed with, "You'd be perfect for it." I kindly told her I was sure and we laughed, but later my groupmates said that I made this terrible face when she said it and that's what all the laughter was about. I really gotta work on my facial expressions! It's not that I can't see myself as a Psych APRN, it's just that I can't see myself as NOT being a midwife. This conversation happened after my conversation with a patient (another black woman on the unit who, like my last patient, is also addicted to cocaine) lasted an hour long - significant because she had refused to talk to staff and other students on the unit. This woman had had an "outburst" earlier in the week; she had called the social worker on staff a "racist bitch" and was screaming at her uncontrollably. Of course the staff just considered her to be very angry about something else, and requested that she apologize to the social worker after speaking to her about her feelings. Which is all fine and good (and necessary) but I also wanted to validate her feelings about the social worker, because angry or not, drug addicted or not, right now this patient is techinically clean (albeit only a month's worth, but still clean) and so she knows what she's saying and my guess was that she had a reason for saying it, so I asked her about it. Sure enough, the patient had an altercation with the social worker earlier in the month in which the social worker decided to interview another patient (a white patient) who had just got admitted that morning instead of her, despite the fact that she had been there 3 days already. I asked her why would the social worker do that...what would she get out of it? She said that she and the other black patients on the unit have all had negative experiences with the SW and the patient herself had had some negative experiences with the SW on her last stay on the unit some months ago, and that she felt like she just didn't like or wasn't comfortable interacting with them, and that maybe she was intimidated. So we talked for a while about all of that, and how to get what you came to get despite her or anyone else and then we moved on to other things. But later I followed up with other patients about their experiences on the unit, specifically as they pertained to racism (or not) and the same sentiments were expressed without my mentioning the SW or anyone else specifically. So it made for an interesting day, and when I questioned my preceptor about the SW, she said she thinks it has less to with race and more to do with the fact that the SW isn't very good at what she does, and some patients (I add: "especially the black patients who proabably have more experience because of socioeconomic differences on the unit") know more about the system than she does, which really irritates the patients. That sounds like it could be true. Anyway, I also spent a long time talking to this patient about books (she was thumbing through O mag while we were talking) and she happens to be very well read and *almost* (LOL) put me to shame! (now isn't that snobbish...elitist...ohhhh, someone like *her* could not possobly be more well read than *I*...mhmh) What a great Friday at clinical.

*The photo above is of Africans Americans at Spring Grove Hospital Center. When (if) you go the page to read about this place, look in the right hand column of topics and you'll find "African American Patients at Spring Grove." It's probably the first Psych hospital to accept free or enslaved African Americans.

Psych Mid-clinical Evaluation

I have a Pathophysiology exam in a week, then my Pharmacology final, Biomed final, and Psych final all in the span of two days...a hellish Monday and Tuesday.

I've started reading 72 Hour Hold because it's over 300 pages and my paper is due in three weeks, but I want to turn it in in two weeks because there's a lot going on the week it's due...

Thursday I have to present a case report on my chosen psych patient...and do a skills check off to prove I haven't forgotten the skills I learned last semester - eventhough I have.

I never talk about my psych rotation...here's the patient I'm presenting this week...which should give you some clue to what I'm going through:

In a few weeks, the day before my birthday, she will turn 36. She has five children ranging in age from 5 months to 19 years. She has a history of marijuana, alcohol and cocaine cocaine abuse, starting at age 13. She does not have custody of any of her children, they all live with her grandmother. She has been hospitalized twice for post traumatic stress disorder, depression, and substance abuse. Her mother was addicted to cocaine when the patient was born...when she gave birth to the patient, she went outside the hospital on a smoke break and never returned, and later died of AIDS. The patient supports herself via prostitution. The patient has been raped and her perp is serving time in prison. She is on our unit for a "treatment seeking" substance abuse study - a cocaine stress test. Because she is treatment seeking, they are not allowed to inject pharmaceutical grade cocaine into her veins, which makes my heart happy because there are others who are NOT "treatment-seeking" and therefore their version of the stress test is to have pharmaceutical cocaine injected intravenously to study the effects of the drug. But her study is a little different: when she came on the unit, she told (and they recorded) her worst experiences with using cocaine...now (for the study) she listens (via headphones) to these stories and they record her body movements, affect, etc.

This is why I chose her to present on:

When the patients are given a mental exam, they are asked to write a sentence. She wrote, "I am sombody productive in society." Her answer to the question "Why did you come here today?" was "I don't know who I am. I just want to know who I am." One moment in time when she was happy? "Journalism class in high school. I want to be a writer." And guess what? She can write. I also chose her because no one else is interested. Because I have been standing up for her and her experiences since I got there, because no one else will.

I had my psych mid-clinical evaluation last week. My preceptor said (after you are so wonderful, brilliant, yada yada yada) "I always give students something to improve on. I don't know what it is, but you've got it. I want to tell you that you can't take this stuff home with you, that you can't feel it the way you do because it's not healthy for you. I don't know if you can turn it off. Your heart is big. You shouldn't take all of this in. I don't know what makes you do it..." I know how it sounds cheezy, but I promise it's true.

I wanted to ask if it was really that hard to understand. All of these black patients. No black practitioners. No practitioners who come from the very environments that they criticize on a daily basis. No understanding of how much work it takes to coordinate section 8, food stamps, and utility assistance. No idea what is to stand outside in below zero windchills waiting on a public bus to come to get to those appointments. No understanding of what is to be a black girl in room full of entitled professional white people talking trash about black people and their lives...as if I'm invisible...or maybe they just don't give a damn that I'm sitting there...or maybe I've reached that "different kind of black person" status.

She's right, I'm taking it in - isn't that what we're supposed to do? Or was this supposed to be a game? A way to say "I've served the poor, the disadvantaged. See, I care." She's right, I take it home with me and digest it to the best of my ability because until I take it home and digest it - make some sense of it, I can't move on. I can't not feel it. I can't turn it off, believe me I've tried for so long.

"I don't know what makes you do it."

My heart is big. My heart is big. My heart is big.

I had this long post typed out just now and it crashed. Man.

I had this strange experience where I missed my own blog. Meaning, I sat down to read my blog...as in "I haven't read so-n-so's blog in a while, let me see if she has a new post" like it isn't my own blog...it was strange.

Anyway, I guess I am sitting here to write (rewrite) the post I wanted to read...

I didn't make the things to do before I die list yet, but I did visit a new place on campus! I went to a pregnancy photography talk that was about how society has shaped the images of pregnant women we see (or don't see) and about the evolution of the photographing of pregnant bellies. It was great.

Per one of my goals, I took note of some meaningful things I did over the week, including talk to a girl in my class about health disparities until 1am one night, and unofficially submitting a praxis idea to an advisor after waking up at 4 am one morning with it on my mind.

I also took note of watching the superbowl, which turned out to be so much more emotional than I thought it would be...it was the commercial that did it! I realized that when I'm old and some youngins are talking about the year when two black men went to the superbowl as coaches, I would be able to say "I remember that."

The brown people have officially decided to get together *regularly* (finally) for something one of us coined Brown Folks Brown Bag...I guess we're going to be meeting over lunch. I can't wait.

And then there's this:

I’M GOING HOME!

A New Month, A New Outlook

January flew by. One of the things I realize is that I missed it! One of my goals for the year was to be in the moment more often, which for me starts with being in the month, instead of constantly thinking about the 1/5/10 year projection of my life. It is so easy to live lecture to lecture, test to test in nursing school. In a way, that is living day to day, in the moment, but it is also a very narrow view because school is always the focus. Some would say, "but oh that is the life of the student" but what I realize is that my life in general has been a bit heavy on the waiting...when was an undergrad, I couldn't wait to finish and get the hell away from that institution, now I can't wait to be done with this RN-heavy year of my grad program and get on to things I'm actually interested in, and as I looked at my pitiful W2, I can't wait to finish all this education and actually get a job...I am not a career student (contrary to what my family probably thinks!) My point is that I spend a lot of my life "waiting" for it to really start, instead of being grounded in the reality that it has very much started in the here and now, and as I wait for it, it is passing me by. That's so cliche. I've read the million emails that tell you to live each day like it's your last, but I just don't have the guts I guess. But what I can do is write down more than just my work/school/clinical/social schedule in my planner. I can write down a goal for the week and a confirmation that I successfully achieved it. I can write down something out of the ordinary that I did that day before I go to bed. The whole idea is to be able to look back on the month and feel like I did something other than take 3 exams, work 50 hours, log 65+ hours of clinical, or meet a classmate to study. Maybe if I have a written record that I've helped my brother with his math homework, or me and my husband went to dinner, or I read a book in a beautiful library for two hours, or I went to a coffee house and journaled about my life on Maple Street, I would be less likely to feel like my whole life is passing me by while I'm in this program...

My goal for next week is to make a list of 25 things I want to do before I die, and to visit a new place on campus.

Psych Clinical

I realize I haven't said much about my psych rotation. Last night I talked to my friend and I realized that this is because I don't have the language for what is happening on the unit at this facility. In my "Psych Clinical Orientation" post (just look down a few posts) I talked about how glad I was that the unit is a voluntary research unit. I am still glad to be on the unit because 1)I think it's better than the alternative, which would be inpatient involuntary, which isn't really my speed, and 2)Because I think I needed to see what I'm seeing...even though I don't quite know why.

What I am seeing is a disproportionate number of black people involved in clinical trials for drugs that both have and have not been tested before, including pharmaceutical-grade cocaine (which is a drug that "has" been tested, vs drugs that are not yet FDA approved), and patients in experimental treatments that involve brain manipulation and a form of electric shock therapy. YES, there is "informed consent" on the unit - meaning the patients signed that they agree to participate. But repeatedly I am hearing from patients that they really didn't understand what they were signing (and the staff/researchers on the unit consider this to be a delusional moment related to their illness, ie: they understood, but they just don't remember that they understood!) Now, I am questioning exactly what informed consent really means...especially when someone is going through withdrawal or has an 8th grade level of education...according to Wikipedia, "The individual needs to be in possession of all of his faculties, such as not being mentally retarded or mentally ill and without an impairment of judgment at the time of consenting. Such impairments might include illness, intoxication, drunkenness, using drugs, insufficient sleep, and other health problems." A lot of what I see is troubling...

My friend asked me something about processing it all or coping or something (I don't remember what the exact question was) but now I'm thinking about it...

I know what I feel and why I feel it, but I have yet been able to articulate it, meaning I don't have the academic language for the problem that I am seeing. I have put up my reading list for 2007 and includes the book "Medical Apartheid: The Dark History of Medical Experimentation on Black Americans from Colonial Times to the Present." I think this book will help give me the language and a way to process this BS in a way that allows me to recover mentally and spiritually from what I am witnessing, especially in the absence of some much needed ongoing conversation about it.

In the mean time, when talking to my husband about my theory of not having the academic language to express my psych experience, he, with his knack for bringing me back to reality, asked me "why do you have to explain it in academic language, what's wrong with regular ol' language?!" I laughed so hard! But it's true. What's wrong the way I've been explaining it to him? Or the way I (half) explained to it to my friend? Really there's nothing wrong with it...and if I could get away with it - using an unimaginable number expletives (as I do with him) and my animated way of talking fast in half sentences, all breathless and sometimes hopeless (as I do with my friends)- the truth is, I would. But that just doesn't cut it in the classroom. After all, their is that pesky double consciousness to deal with; I rarely speak in class unless I have completely formulated the thought and have the appropriate (ie, acceptable) language to present my comment. Fair? NO. Necessary? ABSOLUTELY.

So, I am going to dive into "Medical Apartheid" slowly, and I hope that the history presented is accurate and that the language of the author gives me a way to voice what I'm feeling and recover from the trauma caused to my psyche from this rotation.

Papaya Uteri, Race & Media Invasion

A great workshop was ruined by the media. It started very slowly, as people introduced themselves (mostly medicine and nursing - all grad level) the occasional undergrad would introduce him or herself and they would be journalism or political science majors. At first we were glad to have the diversity; I think these folks belong at the abortion discussion table. But then their questions and incessant scribbling started the buzz, and when we began to actually do the hands-on portion of the workshop, the cameras came flying out - including video cameras! I did get to practice once, but this pretty much ended the workshop for me. I can't stand to have strangers taking my picture without my permission, and I definitely do not consent to being videotaped by someone with their own video camera.


And, I've reached my limit with the university, in general, trying to sneak pictures of me and my friends for their diversity campaigns! Did I mention this in another post? I can't remember, but at any rate it's happened quite a few times. I really do leave as soon as people bring the cameras out - especially as the number of instances that make me feel like I'm an impostor on this campus increase...Did I mention the case of mistaken identity that happened a few weeks ago? Well, while at the nursing school - in my school sweatshirt - with my school ID hanging around my neck - with my bookbag on my back - leaving the computer lab...I was somehow mistaken for a member of the cleaning crew. Yep, for real. There was some internal struggle as I wanted to correct this person without giving the impression that I don't respect the cleaning crew or other "blue collar" workers, especially since on some days it is their faces, their smiles and laughter, and their speaking to me that makes my day. But at the same time I want people to have to face their issue about me being here to study just like Suzy...

And yet another incident just yesterday: I went to one of many libraries on campus that has like a million very important, one of a kind texts that are under heavy security and for the use of students and faculty only. I walked into this library (for the first time) and asked about the current exhibit (which is open to the public) and also about seeing, touching, admiring the first edition Morrison's The Bluest Eye. This man looked me in my face and said that although I could walk around and look at the exhibit, it would be "impossible" for me to see the text or enter the research basement because that area was for "scholars only." I said to myself, "THAT is what it felt like to hear "Whites Only." I was taken aback, yet again. (It surprises me when I am surprised because one would think I'd get used to it) I said to him "Oh, and I am not a scholar?" He backtracked quickly of course, but "And aren't I a woman?" replayed in my head a million times.

When is it going to end? Or when will I be blind, mute, and deaf to it? Curse you - thou who held my hand and walked me into knowing awakefulness...Geesh, I didn't ask for it! By the way, how do I turn it off? LOL

No Providers, No Choice

I saw a bumper sticker Wednesday that said "No Provider, No Choice." It came right on the heels of a conversation with my good friend N where I said I find conflict with being pro-choice and not willing to be a practitioner who provides abortions. I do not mean that I think every practitioner who is pro choice should have to perform abortions, but that I, personally, find it hard to claim that I am pro choice if I am not willing to be the one to provide/perform the abortion. We also talked about whether I would perform an abortion all the way through the law's determination of how far along a woman can be and still have access, or if I would have my own moral "number line" that I would not be willing to cross. It turns out that I also have a problem with determining what the number should be...meaning that if 16 weeks is what is determined to be the latest an abortion is available, that would probably be my cut off as well. Then we talked about safety of providers and about being stuck doing abortions forever once you start because there will be so few providers.

I will be going to a workshop next week to learn how to perform a Manual Vacuum Aspiration (MVA) The workshop will provide a hands-on learning opportunity using papayas as the uterine model.

Here is a link to statistics about abortion providers in the US.

I also recently watched the movie "The Cider House Rules" which deals with this issue, and it was great! This is an older movie that a lot of people have already seen, but I had somehow missed it.

I never really thought about whether or not I would be an abortion provider because it's not something that CNMs typically do. In most states, 44 to be exact, only physicians can provide abortions. However, if I end up in one of the 6 states where midwives are the providers, or as the law expands or changes, I will be a provider, and I know that scares some people. For a quick history of the role of CNMs in abortion, click here.

New Applicants

New applicants to the nursing program started interviewing yesterday. Wednesday night me, M, and U, took the student M was hosting out to happy hour and gave her the low down because she had to leave the next day right after her interview and so she wasn't going to be able to go to a potluck. Then, Thursday (after my 7:30am - 4 pm clinical) I participated in the diversity session for applicants from 4-5:15 (which only had only one racial minority at it!) and then went to the potluck for new applicants at 5:30 and talked till 8. My voice hurt, my feet hurt, and I was exhausted. But I really do believe that people should know the truth about whatever program they apply to. This school is not a good fit for everybody and, just like every other institution, there are things that they claim they do, that they don't - and those are the things I want people to be aware of.

The diversity session was irritating at first because staff and faculty were present and wanted to (of course) present the school as a diverse and welcoming institution. I have no problem with this, but I do believe that the numbers should be mentioned! And I think "diversity" should be explained further, as in..."we're referring to diversity of sexual orientation rather than race." And think you can say, "our racial diversity this past year was X%, and although that's not necessarily a high percentage, it's more than last year's Y%" Those are the kinds of things I would say if I were from the diversity committee! But anyway, after they left, we had a real conversation about what the school really offers/doesn't offer and how it does or does not affect students. Basically, there is a committee, and so far I have known of one event they hosted (and it was a good event) but not much else. We also talked about the lack of conversation about diversity in the classroom and it's absence from the first-year curriculum all together. I think the student's got much more out of it after the faculty and staff left, and I think it was even more helpful because the three different students had very different experiences at the school.

I made a point of hugging and talking to the 2 black women applicants at the potluck. I don't think it was something many people noticed (I simply hugged them and said "special welcome, nice to see you" in their ear while I did it) and they were grateful. There were two other current students who are black women there, but one did not speak and the other did, but passes so it was lost on them. The first one said "I'm glad you came over" and the other said "it's nice to be seen." One of my friends who did see it all questioned me about it. At the time I just said "because" and smiled. I didn't feel like explaining. But now I do:

I don't think people get how isolated one can feel, even in a room full of people. You're standing there with your gold and tattoos, in urban hip hop wear, with a body frame that takes up a different kind of space than anyone else (woman number 1) or you have a great big afro with hoop earrings and are openly lesbian (woman 2) and you're nervous as hell. You gotta get over so many extra anxieties before the interview even starts! No matter how confident you were before you got off the plane and arrived at the school for your interview, when you step into the room this sea of whiteness blinds you until you see at least one person who looks like you, and when you find her you only hope she's as happy to see you as you are to see her! I recognized it in our new applicants, and I was proud to see that they found each other.

I'm so happy that I decided to go, despite my exhaustion.